chessa

My husband of 5 years is an alcoholic. I didnt know this until our first week living together after the wedding. He is very functioning as his full & part time jobs are adrenalin filled. It gives him that high he gets from liquor. He used to drink every night he didnt work (4-5 nights/wk) now he drinks 1 to 2 nights a week. My problem? The lies, escuses and sneaking has taken a toll on our marriage. He's a good man and I try so hard to trust him but I just cant. I feel sad for him because I know he doesnt want this but he never follows through with any treatment. AA and in patient treatment is completely out of the question to him. I feel angry, hurt, cheated and even resentful at times. This wasnt the life I said "I do" to. When the truth came out he abandoned all his friends. We have no social life and he completely depends on me to be with him as much as possible to help keep him from wanting to drink. Most of the time I feel more like his babysitter and roommate than a wife. I've thought about divorce a lot lately. His family and I worry that divorce would be devastating for him and make his drinking much worse. I'm just so sad. I love his family, I love him in a best friend sort of way. I stand to loose everything if I leave but i seem to gain nothing but hurt and frustration if I stay. Can you get that love'n feeling back once its gone? Can you ever trust again? How long do I wait for him to really be in recovery or is he already?

amy55

chessa, hi and welcome, sorry you needed to come here, but glad you did, this forum is open 24/7, and there are many people here more experienced than I.

My ex was and is a good man also, what you have to do is think about you and your happiness. Can you ever get that loving feeling back, well, I don't know. Trust, it takes a lot of time to get that back once it is gone.

This is your life, how do you want to live it? It seems to me that this is going on for awhile now, or else you would not be here. Don't worry bout him, (is he worrying about what this is doing to you and your future together, or any possible children you may have), his family, well, it's his family, they will always stick by him.

Do what is best for you. You are the one that counts

chessa

Thanks. He is a good guy and everyone loves him. How do you leave a good guy? If you dont mind me asking, what was your breaking point? We are both pretty much alone here since our families live quite a distance away. That makes it even harder. Morally I feel like its my duty to stick with it and help him through this - "till death do us part". Inside I feel that he betrayed me even if it wasnt intentional and I should feel bad to think of leaving. 5 years, is that a long time to still be where we are at?

chessa

I knew him for 2 years but I had 2 children so we werent together much in the evenings when he would drink. I was very naive and hadnt a clue.

dollydo

The bottom line is how do you want to live your life...being a babysitter or being in a rewarding/equal relationship?

His disease is a progressive one, unless he embraces a strong recovery program for life his drinking will get worse...and...this disease has no cure, he will be an alcoholic for the rest of his life and relaspes are common even after years.

Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and all of those in the Family & Friends area. If you are not going to meetings I would suggest that you start attending Alanon meetings and read Codependent No More.

Keep posting, it will help.

chessa

I guess that since he admitted he was an alcoholic and cut it down he was kind of in recovery. Now he thinks taking Welbutrin will be the answer since he is now depressed. I know its not going to help. He seems so truly desperate to change but just doesnt do it.

dollydo

"I guess that since he admitted he was an alcoholic and cut it down he was kind of in recovery"

No, that's not how it works...it's like either being pregnant or not, there is no kinda.

Sober is sober, recovery is working a life long program.

Knowledge is power, learn about this disease.

chessa

Wow, I'm speachless and a little teary. What an eye opener. So many people have blown off my concerns because he functions so well. I really felt like I was in the wrong. I have been so scared to deal with my feelings, thoughts and to join a site like this. Its a bit overwhelming but comforting to validate the things spinning through my mind. Several things I've thought all along but have been too scared to admit. Thank you all so much. Looks like I will be doing a ton of reading.

tomsteve

recovering alcoholic here. i had admitted i was an alcoholic for many years,but just couoldnt understand why i couldnt stop drinking. welp, turns out i didnt know what it meant to be an alcoholic nor did i know anything about the disease.
by the grace of God, when i woke up in the morning after my last drunk, my fiance told me everything i had done and said, then told me," get out!1 get the **** out!!" i didnt argue. packed some clothes and left. THAT was when i got it from my head to my heart that alcohol was the problem in my life and i had to do somethig about it.
i got into AA, didnt drink again and got sober. we didnt get back together, but it was the greatest move she ever made.

chessa

How is it possible to resist drinking and still be social? Alcohol is everywhere. Sometimes thats part of why I feel so much for him. Its legal and its everywhere. I know in my head I need to do whats best for me but I feel in my heart like if I leave im sending him out to the wolves.

EnglishGarden

He will never live in a world where he does not experience loss, disappointment, emotional pain, humiliation, regret. He will always face, in one form or another, the death of some things. We all do. Addicts try to escape this. But it is absolutely inevitable for every one of us, and it continues until we die.

If you stay with him so he does not have to live through the universal human experience of the ending of a relationship, you will have accomplished nothing, for you will not have cured him of his inability to cope with life without alcohol. Staying married to you will not touch that.

webber1

I think it helps to ask yourself.. Would I let anyone else treat me like my AH partner does ?

It took my years before I said no. Its a horrible soul sapping feeling to always have that doubt in the back of your mind that they could be drinking again at anytime.

Mines only friends were her fellow rehabers.

Even with strong recovery theres every chance your partner could still be a empty vessel. This is something that will not ever go away.

Strickrhonda

Chessa....(((hugs))). We can only do the best we can from where we are...you are looking for answers....hooray for you!

OhBoy

Sorry you have to deal with this. I am going through the same issues with my AW. I got to the point where I could cope with the drinking, but the lying & sneaking DRIVE ME UP A FREAKING WALL! She has shattered all the trust we used to have in our marriage. She doesn't seem to care either. I think they have a hard time really caring about anything when they're actively drinking. She has told me as much. They certainly don't care about themselves so caring about anything else is next to impossible. I also know that feeling of resentment, that is a tough one. Wish I had a good answer but all I can offer is that you're not alone.

Can love & trust return? I don't know, I'm sure it is possible, but in my case, unless there is a commitment to her recovery, I don't see how it could return. Hopefully someone will come along with some experience & shine a light for you & me! In the past she has declared any type of program as the enemy. Now she is softening A LITTLE. She took the phone number of a recovering alcoholic if she wants to talk about recovery. I'm not holding my breath. All this has me seriously thinking of divorce too. I hate the thought of leaving her when I know she is sick, but I can't cure her disease, I can only treat mine (codependency). Alanon has helped me a lot, might be worth checking out. It has helped clear my thoughts instead of having it be one giant ball of yarn in my brain.

The 3 C's are a good thing to remember. I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it & I can't CURE it. That has got me through some pretty tough moments.

webber1

its such a paradox..

you so want them to go to rehab/recovery, do the steps and " get better"

Im not sure what that better is. Mine was a shadow of the girl i loved after rehab..

The wounds run deep .. there will come a time when you have to step away for you.. Because no one deserves the pain a true AH will put you through

onlythetruth

I'm not a big fan of Dr. Phil but I do like one of the things he says, which is that there are three true dealbreakers for relationships:

1. Adultery
2. Abuse
3. Addiction.

You've got a dealbreaker.

You're young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Think this through: there is an answer. It may not be the answer you want, but there is an answer.

NYCDoglvr

He has to earn love and trust if that's possible. Talk is real cheap, actions are what matters.