choublak

Forgive me, but I fail to understand seeing another person as a drug complete with cravings and withdrawals. Especially not in real life (as opposed to, say, writing an allegory).

I don't get it. Am I supposed to see the person as a drug that I'm addicted to? If I don't, does it mean I'm still deeply in denial?

akrasia

Even specialists have differing opinions of what an addiction actually is. And people extend the "addiction" metaphor into all sorts of areas, for humorous or dramatic effect. Chocoholic, workaholic, rage-aholic.

No, it's impossible to actually diagnose a relationship as an addiction, according to what I've read. But if the metaphor of being "addicted" to a person helps you understand or cope with a certain relationship, then I suppose you could look at it that way. Why not?

Seren

Can't say that I do. However, it's possible to have obsessive thoughts about a loved one just as it is possible to have obsessive thoughts about one's DOC.

Some people get an adrenalin rush out of the drama of living with an alcoholic or addict, and that rush is a biochemical response--like taking a drug.

ODAT63

Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance.
In my case is "behavior", the alcoholic's behavior.

cece1960

When my last relationship of over 8 years ended abruptly I was left with feelings of acute anxiety, obsession ( and I mean 24/7 obsessing), I became physically ill ( couldn't eat, lost weight, would go through episodes of shaking uncontrollably) and ALL that I could think of was contacting him, or accessing info anyway I could.

I would say that's pretty close to cravings and withdrawals.

LifeRecovery

I am working on recovery from an eating disorder.

I am working on my recovery from codependency and wanting to "help" other people.

I loved the definition above, but for me my "addictions" are something I do, think, etc to NOT FEEL. I use food to do that, and in many instances I use other people, their drama, their issues etc to do the same thing.

When the focus is external (on food, another person) I do not have to deal with what is happening for me internally.

That is just me, but kind of how I define addiction for myself personally right now.

dollydo

Honestly, once I figured out that he was an addict, all I could think about was to get rid of him, so, I guess one could say that my addiction was to figure out how to get him out of my life...forever.

IMHO, there is no love in the world worth losing yourself to the mindset of addiction.

NewbieJ

There is a book I have somewhere titled "Is it Love or is it Addiction?" Really insightful. I can see how some people would become "addicted" to their loved one's or their behavior. There is science I have read on this, the adrenaline that's created, the stopping of adrenaline production, withdrawals etc.

CeciliaV

I hear you. I'm obsessive compulsive (self-diagnosed, of course, in true OCD style) and riddled with anxiety and low self-esteem, and I'm a "fixer" - I focus my efforts on fixing others and helping others, rather than focusing on myself. Great googly moogly, if I were to spend too much time focusing on me, I'm sure I'd find a laundry list of flaws & issues! I'm working to be better about doing things for me rather than always for others. With time, it gets better, but I still have my weaknesses. My RAH is a HUGE weakness of mine. I'm not technically addicted to him, but I think a part of me is terrified that his recovery will stick...then we have to focus on the other flaws in our relationship.

mcconnell922

DITTO

Looking at this quote I feel exactly the same even though my AH hasnt started his recovery yet!

Tuffgirl

I don't. I just thought I could influence him. I was terribly mislead on that idea.

I think some of us have this "addiction" to the drama and chaos that comes with addiction-fueled intimacy, and some of us are truly baffled at a situation we have never been in before and it truly crazy-making. I miss some things about the STBXRAH. But most of it was just plain old craziness and I don't miss that at all.

m1k3

A drug, no, but it is a good metaphor. I remember what we had for the 1st 15 or so years of our marriage and I miss that. I want that back but I know it isn't going to happen. For a long time I thought there was some way I could make it right and I was wrong. I had a best friend and partner. Now I don't. The transition was gradual and I can't put my finger on when the change happened, just that it did. I think grief and withdrawal come from the same place in my soul so maybe it is more than a metaphor.

Your friend,

Cyranoak

We don't all have to agree about things here, but the way I see it, and the way I see a huge percentage of posts here, many people are enmeshed with their loved ones EXACTLY as their loved ones are enmeshed with their drugs of choice.

I don't say this as a value judgement, I say it as an observation. Frankly, I can't understand how it isn't obvious that many people are addicted to addicts and the drama that comes with them.

My two cents.

Cyranoak

SoaringSpirits

As a fixer and manager and "can do" girl, I think my AH was just another thing I tried to fix, but couldn't. I was enmeshed with him in an unhealthy way. Now I'm working to disentangle. Having physical separation has helped a great deal with that, but it's a process, and it's sure tough to walk away from 20 years with someone. I don't feel like I was 'addicted' per se, but I was definitely entangled with him in an unhealthy way. It's sooo good to step back from all this and see it for myself.

grayduchess

I definitely see my loved one as my DOC. No matter how bad I know it is for me I still want it. I feel high when I'm with him. I have withdrawals (read anxiety attacks, shakes, heart palpitations, depression, obsession, etc) when I'm without my DOC. I keep trying to go back thinking it will be different this time. At this point, I hate myself when I get a fix and I KNOW I shouldn't have went there.

Will I go there again? I don't know... Probably not but not because I'm healing. Only because he doesn't need me anymore and therefore doesn't want me. Thanks to his wonderful VA rehab his apartment is paid for, it was fully furnished with free stuff after I moved out and took my stuff. They set him up with a good job. He even wrangled food stamps and free bus passes too.

I too, am a fixer and self-diagnosed OCD for what's it's worth. I definitely tried to fix him and I was in total denial...

grayduchess

Here's some interesting reading on toxic relationships which refers to the "other person" as a drug of choice. The article is written by Robert Burner, author of Codepedence: The Dance of the Wounded Souls.

WendyOWilliams

People get addicted to the adrenaline, I think. I've been struggling with my obsession with my ex for 7 months now.

Jazzman

I didn't. I saw Mel as a good person who was fighting a loosing battle against herself and an insidious addiction. I had enough compassion to give her two chances at long term sobriety. I placed too much value on my own emotional health and especially that of my two sons from a previous marriage to give her a third chance. Her presence here in my home turned too toxic, she had to go.

WritingFromLife

Pia Mellody, FACING LOVE ADDICTION addresses this nicely. In my opionion, it mimics and addiction to alcohol in many, many ways.

NYCDoglvr

Obsessed may be a better word than addicted. But when the focus of your life is someone who brings pain and no joy, when you spend years thinking he'll change, addiction works fine, for me at least. Denial is at the forefront in both codependency and alcoholism. Both diseases are a way of escaping our own problems and fears.