0112358

All of this is really fresh so I will try to keep myself from rambling...still in the rambling phase I guess... I am 28 and my ex is 27 and we met 9 mos ago. We were high school acquaintances who reconnected and his first question regarding the initial meetup was "what do you drink so I can be sure I have it stocked?" I told him I don't really drink, but maybe wine, and he ran out and bought 2 bottles for me for that night... I then learned over time as we dated that he drank anywhere from 3-5 days a week and would frequently become blackout drunk after several glasses of whiskey. He drinks a handle of whiskey somewhere between a weekend and a week, every single week, and his only recreational activity with friends is "grabbing beers" in bars. He is unemployed and has been unemployed since shortly after we met, due to frequent absences from sleeping in. While drunk he's abandoned me on a dark city street to run off alone, hit me, broken up with me and kicked me out of his apartment in the middle of the night, cheated on me, passed out at inappropriate times, made me late for a surgical biopsy of my cervix... And so on.

It is true that I had expectations of him to change...to go out to bars but only if he had the money, to have a couple glasses of whiskey instead of 5, to not use mean language or yell...but otherwise I cooked for him, cleaned, work several high paying jobs and have good relationships with my family, I recently lost a ton of weight and look amazing and have felt good...meanwhile he gained 40 lbs since we met, lost his job, and has struggled to keep his grades up.

He's told me several things like, he doesn't know if he can be "that guy in 10 years", that he doesn't think he can give me what I want or need, that he just wants me to be happy and content and he doesn't know if he can "be that" for me, etc. After he cheated on me while drunk he begged for me back in tears, desperately, saying he'd do whatever it took to show me every single day that he can be the man I deserve and that he'll even swear off drinking if that's what it takes, which he said he was never willing to do before. He is controlling and possessive at times and said that he would change.

I did have a day where I became angry and just lost it. He had friends in town (who also are unemployed) who were supposed to only be there for the night and ended up crashing for almost an entire week. They lived on his couch and drank every day and went out for lunch and dinner at restaurants, bars, and I was hurt because we were supposed to be working on "us" and he was instead just working on hanging out with his friends. I didn't need to see him every day, or have him all to myself, but I said it's unfair to say every day "they're leaving tomorrow, we'll get together" and then let them stay another night, another night, another night... I said I'm not 21 anymore, I'm 28, you want to live like Peter Pan. He told me that his friends disagree with my attitude and I said because they're your Lost Boys...of course they enable you. They're unemployed drunks too. I felt horrible about what I said and in the subsequent weeks never made another off-color comment and he seemed to agree with my assessment and made a regular effort to show me he wasn't living that way anymore--that he was looking for work, that he was making plans in a more adult way, that he was drinking less and spending better...so I thought I got through to him with my harshness, at least...

A few months later, I think things are going well...he's drinking again but moderating it better, and I'm trying to just let him make his own choices and mature at his own pace while I do my own thing and just focus on bettering myself. He wanted to spend every day with me, kissed and hugged me all the time, planned special dates like we never did before, never fought and felt like we were falling in love with each other all over again every moment. Last Saturday he says he's thinking of going to the beach for a week to visit his best friend and his brother and asks if I mind, and do I want to go...I said go ahead and enjoy yourself, I don't need to chaperon you. Then I texted him Monday morning to say I just found out I got a WONDERFUL internship with a well-known company that I'm excited about. He immediately texts to say, "congratulations babe, I'm so proud of you" and then 2 hours later texts again to say, "I don't think it's a good idea if we talk anymore. I don't think I'm really the guy you think I am, or the guy you want me to be...I don't know who can make you happy but I just don't think I'm him." When I pressed him for more answers he just said, "I don't know, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, I will always love you. I can't talk about this anymore." It literally seemed to happen OVERNIGHT...and when things were going so well.

A friend suggested he is an alcoholic and that his addictive behavior (video games, women, drinking, spending) may have sabotaged his self-esteem, self-control, and our relationship...so I looked online and ended up here. Does any of this story sound familiar to anyone?? He has so many issues but deep down he has such a good heart and has just been through a lot in his life. His brother died of a car accident in HS, his parents split up, his relationship with his mother is always strained, he's had his heart broken in the past... I just can't help but feel like I could've done something different to make him feel more loved, or appreciated, or valuable...

I am so heartbroken.

changeschoices

I have recently gone through something like this, although I ended it with my A. He too has many problems, financial irresponsibility, low wage jobs, bankruptcy, DUI, etc. etc. And I'm a responsible person without any addictions. I gave him the ultimatum after 2.5 years to quit drinking or I was ending the relationship. He chose drinking. So while I officially ended it, there is the element of him not caring enough about me to get help and keep our relationship.

And I know why he doesn't want to get help: he probably could just never be the kind of person that I really should be with. I don't have all those problems he has with immaturity and irresponsibility and addiction. And I think he knows he will never really get up to speed in his life enough to be a truly equal partner to me.

I think the thought of having to own up to his problems in therapy/AA brings up too much shame and failure for him. I guess I don't blame him. If he had mature coping skills in the first place, he wouldn't be an alcoholic whose life is a mess. Because he has no coping skills, I'm sure it would feel catastrophic for him to have to go to therapy and admit he is a highly irresponsible, abusive alcoholic who let another relationship go down the drain.

My AX and I had many wonderful times, but there is a hole inside of him where healthy self esteem should be. I loved him dearly, but it's not enough. Relatively healthy people can have their lives enriched by a good relationship, but unhealthy people just can't be repaired through relationships, because they hurt their partners and sabotage the relationship. Therefore no growth or healing can occur.

The sad truth is that your BF may never change. We all deserve to be treated well consistently in our intimate relationships, not to be abused, abandoned, cheated on, etc.

I've been through a lot in my life, too, but I've held it together and have not destroyed other people's lives through addiction or abuse. I don't expect sympathy; life is what it is and we all have to figure it out for ourselves.

I hope you find the love you deserve. You will if you are available to receive it.

changeschoices

P.S. When I was much, much younger and still in college, I was dropped by an addict who I casually dated but liked very much. I was hurt but he told me "I'm not good enough for you. You are a much better person than me." And looking back, I can say that was the truth, and I'm glad he let me go.

kudzujean

What are you getting from this relationship?


My guess would be he's hooked up with somebody else at the beach.

Get rid of this guy, he's nothing but bad news.

Argnotthisagain

I'm still on the grief rollercoaster, but I'm understanding more, bit by bit. The r-ship started out intensely, dramatically romantic, and I love his looks (important for me--I am very visual).

He is very rugged and was a decorated elite Marine. Served in Vietnam. Crazy brave. Alcohol has been his identity and his means of coping with trauma. He said (in a non-"buzzed" moment, I guess) that the r-ship problems were caused by him and that because he could not find work, and could not support me, he felt worthless and undeserving of me.

My life history is about desperately accepting anyone.
Maybe I've finally learned to wait a little longer before giving over my heart.


Thank you, changes...I love this and your previous post.

Argnotthisagain

Many similarities to me, changeschoices. And as you say, I've been through a lot in my life, too, but I've held it together and have not destroyed other people's lives through addiction or abuse. Me too. I chose long ago to lead a life of dedication to overcoming the trainwreck I came from. I'm a FOO FIGHTER!!! (Family Of Origin....Haaa, I got that from a SR post. LOVE IT!)

0112358

Argnotthisagain: Wow... My relationship also started out intensely, very romantic, and he's a handsome, rugged Marine... My ex has also said similar things. That just struck me as quite a coincidence, maybe there's a reason there's such a similarity.

kudzujean: You are right that it's hard to see any good in it from the outside. My friends and family have told me for a while to move on, but the highs are just as elevated as the lows are cavernous. He was the most passionate, romantic, gentle, compassionate, loving man I'd met...when he wanted to be. When I felt low in life he'd hold me while I cried and stroke my hair and kiss me, when I fell asleep and would say his name or talk to myself during nightmares he'd come lie down in bed with me and hold me until I was calm again, when I was running out of gas on a road trip in the mountains of Wyoming he called the state police to look out for his "precious cargo," he brought me flowers all the time to braid in my hair, learned my Polish terms of endearment so he could call me them when I needed to smile, surprised me by finding and fixing a childhood memento from my father because he knew it meant a lot to me...all those little things that seem to add up to something big in the moment.

...then he'd get drunk again with his friends and miss an important appointment, or date, or phone call and it was like the good things never happened at all.

changeschoices: I love everything you said and what you shared. I think it's true about the lack of healthy coping mechanisms being a contributing factor to both his addictive personality and his self-sabotage...and it also helps answer why he disappeared so suddenly. I would never have begged him or tried to change his mind and he knows it, he just couldn't handle telling me such a thing to my face or with the truth. He said it himself--"it's easier" for him in the moment and that's all he cares about. Thank you so much for your words, you are very kind.

Tuffgirl

I cut out the middle stuff - here's what you first wrote, and what you ended the post with. Can you see the dissonance in your words here?

What has he done to make you feel loved, appreciated, or valuable?

You didn't break this guy - you can't fix him. And I'd go as far to say you have dodged a bullet on this one - run away and thank your lucky stars that you didn't marry this one and have kids with him. There is a man out there who is waiting for a woman like you, willing to love, appreciate, and value him. Go find him instead!

Welcome to SR, by the way. I hope you find my words come from a place of care and concern, and a little bit of envy as I go through a divorce from my alcoholic. Wish I had known earlier what I know now. When someone tells you that they "can't be that person" , believe them.

~T

0112358

Tuffgirl: Thank you so much. Somehow in the 9 mos I never saw any of this as if he had a real substance abuse problem. He's still in college (was delayed a few years because of military service in the Marines) and I kind of excused a lot of the behavior as him being in "college" but not only is he 27 and not 21...but even when I was in college I wouldn't have found it to be acceptable.

I guess my post and reading people's comments has washed away a lot of my anger over the breakup and now I just feel sad and sorry for both of us. It's just a very sad situation. Your post means a lot to me...your post and the others have made me cry a little bit. When I look at the situation from beyond the relationship and just from a broader perspective on his life it just seems really tragic, especially when I envision what his future might be. Just so sad all around.

EnglishGarden

I didn't need to read any further than the end of your first paragraph. (Though I did).

Women who stay with men like this....these women usually have trauma histories. And need deep counseling for a long time.

As drinking is referred to as "but a symptom" of deeper issues for the alcoholic, an abuser like your partner is "but a symptom" of deeper issues for you.

So, my hope for you is that you seek the professional support you need and deserve, to help you heal a deep wound in you which led you to this relationship.

We are glad you are here. Many here understand your story.

webber1

I found my ex AH partner possibly the most selfish, self centered human being I have ever known.

Some good advice here... a healthy relationship is 50/50. Even after coming out of rehab my partner seemed incapable of applying any adult emotional maturity to anything. It was always about her.

For me leaving after 5 years was the greatest thing I ever did..

dollydo

This guy is a must miss...he has nothing to offer you and IMO physical abuse is a drop dead deal breaker.

He did you a favor, mentally thank him and move forward with your life.

Katiekate

Honey, you are so precious, there are much more wonderful things out there for you.

Take care of you, get some counseling, you sound like a smart, wonderful, compassionate woman with a huge heart. Someone out there is going to snap you up and love you the way you deserved to be loved, how lucky for them.

xo

Clcharlie

I'm so glad I found this forum because it is helping to make sense of what has just happened to me. My partner over over a year suddenly walked out when I was suffering from depression following an intense period of bullying at work and when he knew I really needed his support.

Before Christmas he was averaging a bottle of vodka a night, missing work through hangovers etc etc and blaming me. I found emails to other women and evidence he had been on dates with other women so I kicked him out and he begged to come back... Foolishly I let him. He lasted a week off the alcohol and it gradually built up again, and I kicked him out again and he begged to come back.

Then, on the third anniversary of my mother's death, which I am still not over, he was going to come to the crematorium with me but announced it was over. He was hungover. By the evening he said he was sorry. I was on anti depressants by then and needing him as much as he needed alcohol so I forgave him.

We were a family, his daughter came to stay over often, my boys adored him, and I started to feel that we were getting closer. Because of what was happening at work I started drinking with him and I said stuff I didn't mean on a few occassions... I think the alcohol not mixing well with the medication.

The week I had a hearing at work and I was all over the place, shaking physically and in a real state, he announced just as I left for work in the morning that he was moving out. He even made a bet with my son for £100 that he wouldn't be back. He just packed his stuff and went and I took an overdose. Released from hospital last Wed and now on stronger medication.

I'm still distraught but know that anyone who can down a bottle of vodka and a couple of bottles of wine in an evening three to four times a week, convincing themselves that they are not an alcoholic because they only have a couple (which means four) beers on the other days has a serious problem.

This man has wrecked my life because ultimately he values alcohol more than me, his daughter, his job, his health or anything else.

kiki5711

Listen to what he said, and watch what he does. That is "who" he is. If he says he don't know if he can be that guy 10 yrs down the road, I have a feeling he means it.

And second, he's sorry blah, blah, blah, will be a merry go round repeat after repeat.

You can take your new offer and move on, or stay with him for the next 10 yrs and find out if he meant what he said.

Hopeworks

Great posts and insights from others and I will only add one other thing that is important that you understand about untreated alcoholics...

You mention that he is in college due to his military background at a later age and attribute that to what is immature and irresponsible behaviors.

Addicts emotional maturity and development of relationship skills stops or is extremely delayed at the age they begin "checking out" of their feelings by using alcohol or drugs.

Prospects for recovery physically and emotionally worsen the earlier addiction begins and the longer it goes on and of course... true recovery is impossible unless the addict truly wants it and is willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to stop using and pursue an authentic program of recovery.

Your guy isn't even on the same planet with that kind of thinking and he has truly, truly... TRULY done you a huge favor. Your relationship with him is teaching you some valuable life lessons... thinking back do you see red flags you missed in the early days of dating???

It took me 30 years to learn that RED FLAGS are not party favors... and trust me... I am all about that visual thing. My XA was an X body builder 12 years my junior and had an incredible personality ... the life of the party of course...the electricity between us could light up a small house.

But good looks are not what makes a person a suitable life partner and no matter how hot the chemistry between you the physical is relatively small part of the entire relationship. TRUE LOVE is about character... the heart of what and who a person is ... are they someone you admire greatly? Is your man trustworthy? Kind? Loving? Honest? If World War III hit tomorrow and life became a struggle would you choose him to be at your back? Would he swim the deepest ocean? Would he take a bullet for you or your children?

Looks and sex are what our culture sells us... keep looking for Mr. Right who is you can trust with your life... your heart... and trust will be there for you and your children for a lifetime!

Learn2Live

Sounds about right to me.

He IS his behavior.

Yes. Very. I am so glad I got away from men who hit me.

A man who hits you does NOT have a good heart. Stop making excuses for him. I have also been through a lot in my life but I don't go around abandoning, dumping, or hitting people.

1. Yes, you CAN help it. 2. It is not YOUR job to make him feel anything. It is HIS job to feel these things. You cannot give anyone self-esteem. Everyone has to earn it.

I am sorry you are heartbroken. I am also heartbroken right now. But this too shall pass.

This guy is bad news. Let him go.

Trilogy

I am trying to get off that elevator to hell now- I have been with my husband for 30 years and have just started the painful process of detachment. It is so hard because people are not good or bad- it is easy to remember the positive qualities of someone who has hurt you and keep hope they will dominate again. I think it is important to remember you need to do what is healthiest for you right now.

Learn2Live

ClCharlie, I am glad you are here. I hope you continue to post. Maybe you want to create a new thread

LOVINGRA

The answer to your first question is yes: He is an alcoholic. Anyone who blacks out is an alcoholic. People can get abusive when they drink. However, my experience is that you are who you are. My BF (recovering) is a loner but big-hearted guy when sober and when drinking. When drunk, he would get obnoxiously affectionate and was all over you, drunk dialing his sister, his Mom -- and then would pass out and remember nothing. I think you made way too many excuses for your friend. The research also shows that the average alcoholic has no more mental illness than a Normie. It's just the way they process alcohol. So -- bottom line -- if you think you love someone who is abusive -- then you really need to be analyzing yourself, not him. And for heaven's sake, you are so young -- you have so many years ahead of you. I am not denigrating an alcoholic bc I love one (recovered! and I respect him so much for his courage), but there is no excuse for you to give one more minute to an abuser or anyone who does not accept he is an alcoholic -- who cares how he got that way. That's his problem to solve, not yours. Oh and from an older woman to a younger --> no man ever appreciates a woman who sacrifices herself for him. It will always come back to bite you in the A@@. Ever hear "No good deed goes unpunished"?

Please get some good help so you will let yourself be treated as the special person you are. You can always start with Alanon or other support group. They are free. Healthy people attract healthy people.