My head is spinning....help me make it stop!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by lizatola 
He was like this on and off for the 15 years of our marriage when he was dry. I don't know if they are related to the alcohol abuse or what. I used to think he had a personality disorder and I have called him a master manipulator over the years. He has to win at all costs and be right all the time. My therapist says he's a narcissist, I guess that's as fitting as anything. I always knew there were LOTS of problems, LOL. When he decided to start drinking 2 years ago, that's what scared me the most. His personality and character issues combined with alcohol??? NOT a great idea. And, he admitted he had started drinking because of his depression and anxiety. Then he tells me the drinking got out of control because of the Paxil, yet he's not getting off the Paxil. Well, if the Paxil contributed to the alcohol abuse, shouldn't you think about getting on a new medication. Nah, why bother right? That would just take effort, he can handle the cravings all by himself. And, so, he has been drinking again. It's only a matter of time until it all comes crashing down.
It won't make sense to you, as a rational person. That was one of the hardest things to wrap my thick head around.
But we didn't break them; we can't fix them.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
My husband did this very same thing for several years. He hid from our family. Hid and drank. Every once in a while he would do something nice, participate at a superficial level, and then go right back to the hiding and drinking. And amazingly he would complain he was left out of the family activities and goings-on. Then he'd go back to hiding and drinking.
Now that he is sober - he still hides. Hides and watches movies or plays video games. Hides from life. I have come to the conclusion this guy is a complete and total loner and it probably had nothing to do with alcohol. Funny how we start out thinking the alcohol is the problem, only to remove the alcohol and find there are many, many problems underneath that spew out sideways regardless.
Whats even more amazing when I look at it objectively is how CLASSIC these behaviors are to alcoholics. And all throughout the AA Big Book are passages on alcoholics thinking they are unique.
Now that he is sober - he still hides. Hides and watches movies or plays video games. Hides from life. I have come to the conclusion this guy is a complete and total loner and it probably had nothing to do with alcohol. Funny how we start out thinking the alcohol is the problem, only to remove the alcohol and find there are many, many problems underneath that spew out sideways regardless.
Whats even more amazing when I look at it objectively is how CLASSIC these behaviors are to alcoholics. And all throughout the AA Big Book are passages on alcoholics thinking they are unique.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Me too! Its ironic, though. I remember my AH actually warned me a few times that there was more to him than I realized - like he was hiding some deep dark secrets. I thought he was just being overly dramatic. I guess not! It's hard for me to tell now, but I think there was more to him than even he realized as well.
I'm sure glad I'm not that complicated!
Fathom
I'm sure glad I'm not that complicated!
Fathom
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 33
Hi my advice to you is found out about alanon for familys of alcoholics It will help you understand your mans behavour cause what you are describing when he is not drinking is the classic dry drunk sometimes this person can be worse than the person when they are drinking at least then you know what you are getting when they have a drink in them. Take the alcohol out of them and when there is nothing replacing the alcohol you get irrationality, blame game towards you, the poor me's the list goes on. For your own sanity alanon will help you get peace of mind and understanding that no matter how manipulative he can get that none of this is your fault. By the way my ex kicked me out 4 years ago and ive now been sober for 3 and a half years with the help of AA take care pal and the best of luck with the your life. p.s wish I was going to Florida all it does is rain here in scotland
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Fathom
I'm sure glad I'm not that complicated!
Fathom
Fathom
Liza - hope today is a better day for you and your son...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
My husband did this very same thing for several years. He hid from our family. Hid and drank. Every once in a while he would do something nice, participate at a superficial level, and then go right back to the hiding and drinking. And amazingly he would complain he was left out of the family activities and goings-on. Then he'd go back to hiding and drinking.
Now that he is sober - he still hides. Hides and watches movies or plays video games. Hides from life. I have come to the conclusion this guy is a complete and total loner and it probably had nothing to do with alcohol. Funny how we start out thinking the alcohol is the problem, only to remove the alcohol and find there are many, many problems underneath that spew out sideways regardless.
Whats even more amazing when I look at it objectively is how CLASSIC these behaviors are to alcoholics. And all throughout the AA Big Book are passages on alcoholics thinking they are unique.
Now that he is sober - he still hides. Hides and watches movies or plays video games. Hides from life. I have come to the conclusion this guy is a complete and total loner and it probably had nothing to do with alcohol. Funny how we start out thinking the alcohol is the problem, only to remove the alcohol and find there are many, many problems underneath that spew out sideways regardless.
Whats even more amazing when I look at it objectively is how CLASSIC these behaviors are to alcoholics. And all throughout the AA Big Book are passages on alcoholics thinking they are unique.
Hundreds of times, one of us would look around for AH, and say "Where's Dad?" only to have a kid say sadly "He's in the shed." The shed became almost like a code word for "drinking and hiding."
I'm so done with it all. Yesterday my attorney asked me if I'd consider reconciliation if my AH got sober, got into full recovery, all that. And I said "Absolutely not!" I've come to realize that the booze is just the tip of the iceburg. Sober or drunk, he's still going to be heartless.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
My ABF does the same thing...if I pretend it didn't happen we don't have to talk about it and I don't have to face the consequences or feel guilty. That's how I see it anyway. You deserve a break, a week in Florida sounds fantastic to me! Can I stow away in your suitcase? lol! If it were me, I think I would give him the letter and go by myself. You need a break and he needs to focus on himself and figure out what his next move will be...if any.
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