fairness??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
fairness??
I messed up and had a meltdown/temper tantrum a week ago. When talking to our counselor about it, my RAH said I made a fool out of myself and what was he to say to our kids. The fool part hit me hard and I think I could have cried all weekend over that. I am finally feeling better. Our counselor is saying I have a fairness issue with reasons (he acts like a A** for months on end and I mess up for about 2 hours and get called on it by him) After thinking about it all weekend, I think he said the fool thing to hurt me and succeeded. I really have not said a whole lot to him all weekend unless it was necessary so now I feel like the immature one.
Just venting.
Just venting.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Once I really started learning about the disease, and going to counseling + Al Anon, I had few big AHA moments. Often my ExAH would take any situation and turn it around so that the focus was on something about me (something I did or said, or something I forgot to do etc ) and not about his bad behavior. He'd start to rage about my words etc.
A big AHA for me was when I really started to understand that HE didn't get to define me. Just because he said I was mean or unfair or stupid or whatever it was .... I finally figured out that just because he said it did NOT mean it was true about me.
I get to define myself. And you, cricket, get to define yourself. My counselor and my loving Al anon group helped me to do some daily affirmations. I learned that I am worthy, I am funny, I am smart. And I deserve a healthy partner. And I started telling myself that every day.
So can you. Don't wait for someone else to build you up, to hold you up. You can do it for yourself.
It helped me to think of his angry and accusing words as just noise. Around here they call it "quacking". No matter what he says, replace it with the words "quack quack quack".
He doesn't get to define you.
A big AHA for me was when I really started to understand that HE didn't get to define me. Just because he said I was mean or unfair or stupid or whatever it was .... I finally figured out that just because he said it did NOT mean it was true about me.
I get to define myself. And you, cricket, get to define yourself. My counselor and my loving Al anon group helped me to do some daily affirmations. I learned that I am worthy, I am funny, I am smart. And I deserve a healthy partner. And I started telling myself that every day.
So can you. Don't wait for someone else to build you up, to hold you up. You can do it for yourself.
It helped me to think of his angry and accusing words as just noise. Around here they call it "quacking". No matter what he says, replace it with the words "quack quack quack".
He doesn't get to define you.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Hi Cricket!
I don't understand what your counselor means by you have a "fairness" issue. I totally don't get it. I'm sorry he hurt you by calling you a fool. I think that was awfully harsh. You unleashed a lot of emotions and maybe you could have found a better way, but the bottomline is that you are hurting. I feel so bad for the pain you are feeling.
What I am getting from your post is an overwhelming sense of "how could he call me out like when he has done SO MUCH!!". It must hurt that much more when the counselor goes along with it. (I'm guessing by saying you have a "fairness issue" the counselor was agreeing with him??? Still confused about that.) Anyhow, I hate being called out by people I deem to be jerks. It sucks!
Don't forget to work your program, if you are actively doing the steps or just reading daily words of encouragement. I love the fact that we have these tools to help us sort trough our messy lives and emotions.
Here is a
from me. You'll be alright sweetie. I promise.
Love,
Lily
I don't understand what your counselor means by you have a "fairness" issue. I totally don't get it. I'm sorry he hurt you by calling you a fool. I think that was awfully harsh. You unleashed a lot of emotions and maybe you could have found a better way, but the bottomline is that you are hurting. I feel so bad for the pain you are feeling.
What I am getting from your post is an overwhelming sense of "how could he call me out like when he has done SO MUCH!!". It must hurt that much more when the counselor goes along with it. (I'm guessing by saying you have a "fairness issue" the counselor was agreeing with him??? Still confused about that.) Anyhow, I hate being called out by people I deem to be jerks. It sucks!
Don't forget to work your program, if you are actively doing the steps or just reading daily words of encouragement. I love the fact that we have these tools to help us sort trough our messy lives and emotions.
Here is a
from me. You'll be alright sweetie. I promise. Love,
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
My counselor was trying to explaine to RAH that I did have a lot of unfair things happen to me in the last couple of years and I have a right to these feelings. I have been thinking about this concept and will agree to a certain extent I have some unfair issues that are justified.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Oh! That's a relief. I thought the counselor was saying you have issues with being fair. I totally agree that you most likely have had a lot of unfair things happen to you. I really like what Catspajamas said about not letting him define you. And I also feel you are totally entitled to feel the way you feel.
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