Argnotthisagain

or other pathological person.

Hello everyone.......I googled on "Alcoholics and love", and found you guys.

I'll just give a short explanation of where I'm at and why I'm here--I guess you could call it MY addiction to another Alcoholic......(who was also wonderful, in turns, with being awful. This one was better --more loving and supportive than some I've fallen for. Every time though, I think I've learned the important lessons so that I won't do this again, but.......)

So, here I am again, single again at 54. Better off that he is out of my life, but....I CAN'T FINISH LETTING GO! He's in my mind ALL the time--anything and everything triggers images of him, past times with him that just *filled* me emotionally. I thought I had truly found my soul mate--- Of course, I ignored red flags too--I fell in love, WE fell in love so quick, how could I have thought about what those red flags really meant? I have a long history of this stuff, and an abusive childhood, with mental illness, alcoholism and etc. My desperation for a feeling of belonging, of being loved responds powerfully to the initial LOVE-BOMBING that messed up people do.

He spent a lot of time hiding out drinking, and going out of town to his brother's or other old friends who would give him some work. I guess I'm realllllly good at being neglected a lot and fantasizing that there is a r-ship.

So he was buzzed every night, said straight out that he would NOT stop drinking, and he had a hair trigger temper, and would suddenly burst into awful awful rages over nothing.....lovely evenings would turn to hell because I laughed at David Letterman, or something equally trivial.

The pain finally got bad enough for me.

That's about it, basically. No need to get myself all sobbing again over the whole thing or the long drawn out ending, how when he was sober, neither of us wanted to end it, but the lack of work and his increasing misery (he hated not being able to contribute financially--he really did do his best, a big improvement from my last r-ship who just used me gladly. The stress of being broke did not help--pretty crazy, immature and impulsive of him to move to another state, with no money, to be with me)..........Well, so I understand a lot of the dynamics, intellectually but.....

the problem now and the reason I'm here is: My feelings go up and down between realizing I deserve better, It's over and it's the best thing for me, to feeling like I can't go on without him.

it's been a year since he left (we met online; it was HUGHH!!1! and passionate immediately.)

Well, to make a long story short---4 years after meeting and living together, the stress of his drinking and verbal abuse and his misery, inability to find work (hmmm, wonder if the smell of alcohol may have put off possible employers?)---everything piled up and he left to go back to family, where he could at least get work with his brother...
We emailed for quite a while, but after awhile, I started seeing he was talking but taking no ACTION to allow us to be together.

Then, early May, I got the "I have a new friend, nothing serious, she's a college sophomore" email. He's almost 58. Cute.

And STILL, I want to hear from him, miss him, am jealous of this little 20 year old who he apparently wants to rescue from an abusive family situation. Among other things... (yes, after he mentioned it, I web-stalked him on the dating/discussion board where WE met, 5 years ago, and there it was.....I can't tell if they're actually seeing each other or if it was just him swooning over her online, but, it doesn't matter. I read him doing some serious swooning.)

There were wonderful times too...argghh....they're (alcoholics and other screwed up people) so dang seductive and I fall so deeply in lurrrrrrrv....

I'm sure many of you know the feelings I'm talking about.....I know I just have to keep going, one foot in front of the other. But...sometimes...feels like my heart will never stop breaking. Thank god I'm not in the kind of shape I was last year at this time, though.

I just wish the yearning memories would stop.


Well, thank you for lettimg me get this out, and I'm glad I found this board!

--Cindy

changeschoices

Sorry, but I find it very hard to believe a 20 year old would go for him!! Do you think he's really telling you the truth? That seems so farfetched.

Argnotthisagain

I know, right? Well, she has several similar age "admirers" showing up on her friends list, so apparently she likes that. Also, he has a 7 year old pic up, and he's very rugged and handsome. Though the hard drinking over many years and tough guy life shows....he's looking rather haggard, last I saw him. I don't know if they've gotten together in real life or not. If she's looking for a knight in shining armor, he likes that role.

But yeah, I don't see that she'd be interested for long.....
and, I guess I'd be better off to avoid wondering

changeschoices

My ex has an old pic up on his social media accounts too. My kids said, Gee, why does he have that old picture up? He doesn't look like that anymore! Out of the mouths of babes...

Shadydeal

I just wanted to say you are so not alone! I feel and deal with the same feelings. Hang in there. In time it should get better.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, notthisagain. Glad you found us and I hope you find support and friendship here.

Be sure to browse the site, and read the stickies at the top of our main page.

We've talked a lot this week about obsessing and our own addictions as codies. It seems to be top of mind for a lot of new folks. As as someone who is moving into "old-timer" status...I can assure you it still haunts me as well. But through my own recovery journey, I am learning to control my obsessive thoughts.

One of the things I do is talk it over with someone. Usually saying out loud helps acknowledge the feelings and then I can move on to something else much more productive. Also journaling has helped. Especially when I read back over the last two years of the same old BS. I can say today that my marriage was doomed from the start. I can thank alcoholism for that.

It's ok to feel the emotions of grief. You can feel them and let them pass, without having to react to and act upon every single one.

And P.S. stop following him around. He knows you do and he will continue to control your thoughts from a distance if you let him. Turn off the computer and go take a nice long walk outside. Sign up for a class, take up a new hobby. Do something, anything that takes you away from the temptation to check up on him. Consider it like any other addiction - we have to change our behaviors to end the addiction.

NYCDoglvr

There was one alcoholic in my life but that is enough for ten lifetimes. Anyone who drinks a bit much or uses drugs I run in the other direction. I've also spent a lot of time in therapy and doing 12 Steps.

Argnotthisagain

Hi, thank you everyone...

How odd, I replied to Sassydog yesterday. Looks like it didn't post! It was long..to long to try and remember now. Plus I just got home after a long busy day...so I'm too tired to say much of anything, really. :P

Thanks so much for your replies! My post sank into oblivion at first, and I was kind of sad about that.

Thank you so much, again. I've been reading the posts about obsession and being addicted to the alcoholic. Really REALLY helpful to me---thank you thank you