CeciliaV

I'm not quite sure what to do. Please forgive the very long post, but I have to get this off my chest and I have nowhere else to turn right now.

I've been married to my husband for 9 years, and we've been together for 15. He's always had a substance problem - many different vices in his youth, then we were smoking pot together for many years. He's always used *something* to hide from his problems. He's never been good with controlling his drinking in general, but it got wildly out of control over the course of these past couple of years since we stopped smoking.

Early last year, I discovered he was hiding alcohol around the house and drinking on the sly. And not just drinking a little - I'm talking buying bottles of vodka and chugging them. He's gone through the relapse cycle more times than I'd like to admit, and I can't even count how many times he's lied about his drinking or how many times I've found empty bottles that he insists are "old."

I thought that he was making strides last year when we went to the emergency room - he wanted to stop, but he had been drinking so much that he needed medication to help keep him from going through dangerous withdrawals. I also thought he was making strides when he finally decided to go to long overdue therapy to find a healthier way to deal with his problems. Then he started to go to group substance abuse sessions. Unfortunately, throughout all this therapy, he's had multiple relapses.

Tonight was really, really bad. It's been forever since I've left him in the house alone (since it seems that he is drinking as soon as I am not watching him), but since we've been trying to work things out and since he's been sober (I think) for at least a few weeks, I thought it was safe to go out to run an errand. I knew something was wrong when he didn't pick up the phone when I called - twice. When I got home, he was obviously plowed, but he wouldn't admit that he had been drinking. He was so adamant that he wasn't drinking, I started to almost believe him...and then started to worry what *else* was causing him to act so strangely. This back & forth of "I didn't drink" and "then what is wrong" went on for hours. He blamed it on a "kinda" panic attack, but I'm not stupid. Then I gave up & went about my business.

At one point, he pulled up a chair next to me while I sat at the computer doing bills. He passed out. And he slumped over and started drooling on himself. I didn't notice at first because I was really trying to just BE and not react to him, but when I noticed it was a little too quiet for too long, I looked over and saw him nearly falling off the chair. I tried to wake him. He was barely responsive and non-verbal. I couldn't tell if he had drunk himself into a near coma or if he was having some other sort of a medical emergency. I seriously almost called an ambulance - I couldn't get him to do anything responsive and it was like I was talking to someone who was having a stroke.

I had to use wet towels and slaps to the cheek to rouse him and to get him to at least acknowledge me with semi-verbal responses. I somehow managed to get him off the chair and safely onto the floor so he didn't fall & hurt himself. (He is still suffering from a non-drinking related fall injury last year, and I didn't want him to re-injure himself, and I just don't want him to be injured period.) Since I could barely get him from the chair to the floor, there was no way I would get him down two flights of stairs & to the car & to the emergency room...so I seriously considered calling 911 to get paramedics to come help.

Eventually, he came around and was somewhat responsive with one-word answers - pretty much just a slurred yes or no or what. After a while more, he could start to understand just how serious the situation was by the worried look on my face. I think he got the picture when I asked him if he needed to go to the hospital.

He drank enough that there was no sobering up enough to truly talk to him tonight, but at one point he did say that he tried to drink himself to death today. I don't even know where to begin trying to process that.

I love him dearly, but I can't trust him and I'm not sure how much longer I can watch him do this to himself. It's destroying me. Since I can't trust him to be at home alone for any considerable amount of time, I have absolutely no life other than work. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I could use any advice or guidance on what I should do, or words of encouragement to let me know that I can get through this. I can't make him stop drinking and lying and nearly killing himself, but I need to figure out a way to not let it kill me.

FindingJoy

Please please please read Co Dependent No More....and any other books by the author.

I can't even comprehend being in your shoes clearly you are a very compassionate, loyal, strong woman who is also co dependent. That Codie thing I really understand.

You didn't cause his addction or self hatred
You can't control his addiction or self hatred
You can't cure his addiction or self hatred

Clearly he is a very sick man..but so are you as a result.
We are all here to support your recovery.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Often that is when we make are mst amazing changes.

tbeit

Are you sure he was drinking and not taking drugs either way this is no way to live. I dont really have any advice as I am the addict in my relationship. Just wanted to respond to you and say its way early and more people will be here today with good advice. You could try alanon in my opinion face to face meetings are more powerful than online. Good luck to both of you

rexesmum

Im new here also and I just want to let you know that you've come to the right place for support and reassurance. This forum is truly a blessing. Ive been in a similar situation to yours where my now ex-husband would be passed out and unable to move or communicate and its a scarey situation to be in. He also used to hide alcohol around the house and in the end he didn't even bother to do that. I used to put a secret mark on the bottle each morning and after he discovered what I was doing he started refilling it from another hidden bottle! Please don't let it scar you mentally or drag your health down. It can be a very daunting situation. My thoughts go out to you. Stay strong.

HitRockBottom70

Cecilia,
Your post really hit home.

My partner was at a class and I was home, off from work. I thought, well, I'll have a margarita before he comes home and we take the dog for a walk on the beach. I spoke to him at 1pm and we had plans made for the evening. After the first margarita I don't know what happened...I went to the store to buy a bottle of tequila and went on a binge like never before. I have no idea why... By the time he got home at 6pm, I was beyond drunk. I do not remember anything until 5am. I put him through hell. I guess like your husband I had slurred that I did not drink. I was so good, I filled up the partly gone tequila bottle and got rid of the bottle I bought. He knew I drank tough due to the smell on me. He just did not know how much. Actually I don't even know how much...

He thought I was going to die. I put him in a horrible position. He also knew that I would likely loose my job and become worse if I woke up in the ER. All he could do was worry about me dying and how to explain to my parents that he did not call 911 because this is what I would have wanted. This was a horrible position to be in, I cannot imagine the anguish I put him through. he did not sleep all night making sure I was breathing. Later when I was breathing better, he had to stay awake to keep my fingers out of my mouth because I was chewing my nails to the point of bleeding.

The next day he had class again. He left in the morning with a look on his face I will never forget. The sadness, the hurt... We have been together for 20 years. Later that day I had to call into work sick because I was still feeling intoxicated.
He came home from class that night and we did not talk too much. It was a good thing because I was so depressed and he was so hurt and tired.

It took a two days for him to be able to talk about it with me and tell me what really happened. He said he does not trust my word when I say I will not drink. How can he after I have gone back on it so many times.

This binge was my lowest point ever and I was thinking that life was not worth living anymore the day after when I had to call in sick. I had been to this site before so I decided to join that day. Since then I have been becoming stronger and have gotten support from the greatest group of people from around the world. I am now on day 9 sober!

It is I who made this choice though, not my partner. Maybe you can have him read my post and see if it helps. He is welcome to send me a private message. Also if he joins, he will find much support.

Cecilia,
This is no way to live and if he does not change after this incident, there is a worse one coming. I wish you some comfort knowing there can be change. If he does not get help you must think about yourself. Get your life raft ready because the boat is sinking. Make sure you are on the raft. As the boat goes down you can throw a buoy to him, it is his choice whether he grabs it or goes down with the ship.

Good luck

dollydo

Are you sure that he is not mixing alcohol with some pills? Sounds like there is more than one substance going down the hatch.

All you can do is work on you, read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and the F&F
of Substance Abusers, get your hands on Codependent No More and start atttending
Alanon Meetings, it will help.

CeciliaV

Thank you for the replies. Once my husband sobered up, we talked. He didn't remember any of it, which makes sense since he drank two pints of vodka in less than two hours. I had to tell him what happened, and all I can do is hope that this scared him enough that this really is his rock bottom. Turns out he's been drinking for a couple weeks now. I told him that I'm not going to do this anymore. If he wants to drink, that's his choice. If he wants to isolate himself, he can. But I can't do that to myself anymore and I have to start living a life that's something other than taking care of him.

@HitRockBottom70, my heart goes out to you, too - being on either side of a situation like this is difficult beyond words. Congrats on the 9+ days sobriety, and thank you for your kind words.

Sosquare

CeceliaV, I don't think he's hit rock bottom. As his wife, you naturally want to hold on to any slightest glimmer of hope there could be. That is beautiful. However, know that addicts are liars, especially to themselves. His desire to want to get better may be real, but the hold his addiction has on him is greater. I'm not trying to bring you down, just want to encourage you to keep your eyes open and trust your instincts, not what you want reality to be.

Bluebonnet1

Cecilia, I'm also new here, and finding very much that I'm not alone. You will find a lot of encouragement and good advice. I still haven't posted my own story, but that mostly due to the fact that s many of us are on the same boat, that the answers become a recurring theme...yes, we're likely codependent, no, we can't make them change, but YES, you will survive and come out stronger on the other side if you decide to leave.

What scares me is that you said twice that you "almost" called an ambulance but didn't. Sounds like this was a pretty serious situation, and I can understand that there may have been fear and embarrassment involved if you had, but maybe that would have been more eye opening for him? Being afraid to leave him alone in the house has got to be wearing you down. I know I'm feeling like a very broken spirit, and I've been dealing with this for a lot less time than you have. I wish you much love and support, and hope you find the strength to put yourself first. Now if I can only practice what I preach....

DefofLov

Dear CecliaV,

Welcome to SoberRecovery!

Your story is so sad. And while I was reading it I was reminded of a quote from Grey's Anatomy that stuck with me forever:

"You don't know this yet, but life does not have to be this hard." Meredith Gray

And its true. Recovery is a struggle and it is a long journey. But it eventually leads to peace of mind, especially when you let go of HIS problems and embrace YOU. I wish you peace and freedom from the emotional prison his severe alcoholism has held you captive in.

Please stick around and read, read, read. You are not alone.

Love,

~Lily

chronsweet

I love finding empty bottles and then being told they are 'old'

I ALWAYS think old as opposed to 'new'??

I mean new bottles would have alcohol in them, right?

The minute they are emptied they become 'old'.

CeciliaV

@Sosquare, I really do hope this was the rock bottom, but you are right and I am keeping my eyes open. There's been multiple times before when I thought he'd hit bottom, but none nearly as bad as this. He's lied to me and himself so many times. I think one of his biggest problems is the fear of the next steps - before this lapse he was told that he was almost ready to move into group after-care. I think it scared the bejebus out of him and he used the excuse of work commitments to cut out of his group sessions and began drinking again after (I think) a couple months sober. He's back on schedule with is therapy (individual and group) and so far, so good. One day at a time. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

In our initial conversations after this last incident this past weekend, I told him that he has to give up his debit card & be on a strict cash diet so he can't buy liquor on the sly like he has been doing - I even told him I'd literally lock up his debit card in our fire safe and take the key - but I backed off on that...it's his choice whether he gives it up. I'm hoping that he does voluntarily surrender it - that would be a huge step in building trust and knowing that he wants to remove that temptation. I can't make him do it. I'm not supposed to be his parent, I'm supposed to be his partner. Part of that is on me though - I've been acting like the adult in the relationship since we first started living together, and with some parent/family issues from his childhood & teenage years, it complicates matters. I recognize my role in that dynamic, but I also realize his role and that me being the responsible one didn't cause the drinking. I'm just going to do my best to not feed into it.

CeciliaV

@Bluebonnet1 - while I don't wish anyone to be in the same situation, it is comforting to know I'm not alone. There have been so many times when I've thought about leaving - in some of the worst times, I've priced out apartments & made budgets to be sure I could do it if I needed/wanted to. Thankfully, I'm not in any physical danger; he's never been abusive, but the mental stress and isolation is getting to me. Part of me is too frightened to even think of leaving him to his own devices, but at some point, if he can't or won't make a change, then I have to make a change.

And yes, I was very close to calling an ambulance, and part of me really wishes I had. He was in such a state that I don't think I would have had an issue with speaking on his behalf and getting him checked in.

He was quite shocked when I told him the story of how the evening progressed - he had no recollection at all of events shortly after I left on my errand. He barely remembered going to the liquor store (twice, no less) and I gave him a very detailed play by play, including explaining how he got the bruise on his arm from me throwing his arms over my neck & shoulders when I had to move him from the chair to the floor. (What can I say, I have bony shoulders...and a bruise on his arm is better than a concussion from falling head-first off the chair!)

I wish you much love and support, too - it's not easy to go through this and come out the other side in one piece, but it's going to be less hard with good support. In your own time, I hope you can find the courage to share your story as well, as I know it's been helpful for me to be able to talk to others about it and to hear the support and feedback and encouragement.

CeciliaV

Thank you for the welcome, DefofLove. You're so right - it doesn't have to be this hard. Reading other stories and replies has told me that I'm not alone, and I'm really glad that I came here. I've lost a lot of me over the years in playing the parent role - I spent many years doing what I was supposed to do, and now I have to do what I want to do. Now to just figure out what I *want* to do - that's the hard part!!

Adventure

Hi Cecelia

I see so many similarities between our stories

SNAP! AH had never lived out of home before we got married. I had for quite some time so was used to doing normal adult things like paying bills etc. I think this is part of why I have struggled to leave, because I’m “worried” that he won’t be able to cope with doing these things himself. I have also realised the obvious recently – all I am doing by doing all this is enabling him. Things like taking your AH’s debit card etc. I’m afraid to say also fit under the umbrella of enabling because it is stopping him having to take responsibility for his own actions.

More stuff I’ve realised recently – mental stress and isolation are forms of abuse, whether we realise it or not. Lying is a form of abuse. Secrecy is a form of abuse. Causing us to worry is a form of abuse. I could go on and on but you get the picture. Please also remember the disease is progressive. My AH for the first time approx. 2 months ago absolutely freaked out, threatened to kill me, etc. etc. This had enver happened before and hasn’t happened since, but I am not fooled – if it happened once it can happen again.

My AH had an accident 18 months ago and I called an ambulance. I was convinced that the shock/shame of this would be the “rock bottom” I had hoped would someday come. They didn’t bring him to A&E which was unfortunate, just treated him then and there. He had zero recollection of it the next day – in fact didn’t believe me initially. And because of this, and because there were no further repercussions, it had absolutely zero impact on him. So much so that he told me I overreacted and it was totally unnecessary to ring them. Eh, you don’t even remember sunshine, so how do you know I overreacted.

I hope you don’t think I’m being too negative here, I’m really just sharing my experiences to give you my side of the story. I hope that your AH has a more successful outcome than mine. Mine is still living with his head in sand and very much in active addiction. He has no idea that I am putting plans in place to move on with my life, despite the fact that I have told him – I think he thinks I just won’t follow through on it. I am devastated for him as his life is a mess, he has no family support, and he can’t seem to see this. But I am hopeful for me, and I know I am strong enough to eventually come out the other side of this and to have a good life again. I have a clear conscience – I have done everything I could possibly have done to try to help him (mostly enabling of course). And I am finally facing reality that I have lost this love triangle battle. My Adventure has begun.....

CeciliaV

Hi Adventure - no, I don't think you're being too negative at all. I appreciate you sharing your story. I'm not sure my husband has his head too far out of the sand, but it seems that he does at least occasionally pull his head out of there for a breath of fresh air & see a bit of reality.

I hear you on the enabling by being the adult. I know I've done this, and not just with his drinking. We've had so many discussions about this relationship dynamic and how unhealthy it is on so many levels, and my hope is that there will be more action to change it rather than just more talking about it.

I, too, am hopeful for you - you sound like you're on the right path to putting yourself first and making *you* happy and healthy, and I wish you much luck!

CeciliaV

Well, it's almost a full week later now, and I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions these past few days. It's been a mixture of numbness and disbelief, then feeling stupid for believing him when he said he wasn't drinking for the previous weeks, and then just feeling flat and depressed. Thinking I want to go, thinking I want to stay, and just not really sure what I should do.

Yesterday morning and this morning, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed so I could go to work. Actually, I've been falling asleep on the couch the last few nights, and only sometimes actually going to bed somewhere around 3-4am. I'm feeling even more anxious and tired than usual (I've got some general anxiety & social anxiety & OCD & insomnia issues of my own), and the combination of the stress and lack of good sleep has me feeling like a mess. I had to go to a condo board meeting tonight (stupid me volunteered to be an officer when no one else would) - it was so hard to face people and not show my emotions. Work's been hard also - I work in a support capacity, so I'm working with people all day long...and I can't express how hard it is to keep up that happy, helpful front and keep my focus so I can be effective, instead of surly and unhappy and antisocial! Add to that stress and extra work because my manager brilliantly allowed for multiple people to be out of the office this week on vacation at the same time, and it's a miracle I haven't cracked!

I'm trying to take things day by day. I really am. I'm trying to not freak out on my AH. I'm trying to not grill him with questions and to be supportive rather than enabling. But I'm kinda freaking out as the holiday weekend approaches. I'll be glad to be away from the stress of work for a couple of days, but I'm terrified about what the weekend may bring at home. I know he hasn't taken out cash since last weekend, and I keep a close eye on our credit cards (always have, not just since the drinking got out of control), so I know that there's been no sneaky alcohol purchases. He went to his individual therapy session and to his two group sessions this week, so it does seem like he's making an effort again.

But I still dread the weekend, since that seems to be when the shiznit hits the fan. That's when I question why he wants to volunteer to go out to the store to get this or that. That's when I don't want to leave him alone in the house for fear of what I'll come home to. As every weekend approaches, we always say we're going to go DO something positive, start having dates like I've been asking for us to do for forever so we can try to improve our relationship. Last weekend we were supposed to have our first real date night in months, but that didn't exactly turn out well, and I think that's another reason why I'm angry and hurt. And it may sound stupid, but I'm also angry that when I get to work on Mondays, I can never answer the question "So how was your weekend?" truthfully.

I don't know. I feel like I'm just babbling now. I'm feeling depressed, irritated, tired, and hurt. I'm not ready to forgive, and I won't (and can't) forget, but I think I want to try to make things work, assuming he's trying to stay sober, of course. How do I begin to let go of what has happened and stop getting so upset about things that haven't even happened yet? Are there any success stories where the A got sober and the marriage didn't end? I could use some inspiration and hope right about now.

Adventure

Oh Cecilia, I went through all of this so, so, so many times. And no matter how many times, I still set myself up for the fall again and again. Each time we would plan something, I would believe it was going to happen. Friday would come, I'd be SO EXCITED that this was the weekend where things would be different. Without fail, my hopes were dashed every time, usually by the time I would come home from work and he'd already be a mess.

This only changed when I decided to stop setting myself up for disappointments and started organising my own stuff for weekends. AH continued to do what he was always going to do, but I stopped waiting for things to change and changed them myself. I now fill my weekends with nice/fun things for ME and while they are still difficult sometimes with him hanging around, they are getting easier.

A very wise man who attends one of my Al Anon meetings recently said - "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome each time". I have learned so much through Al Anon and SR, but I think this is the most important lesson for me. Think about it - it is very powerful.

I hope you find some way of looking after yourself this weekend - remember it has to come from you.

Adventure

CeciliaV

Thanks, Adventure. I have told my AH that I can't continue to keep doing the same thing over and over...and that in order for things to have a different outcome, something needs to actually change. I'm not sure it sunk in, but we'll see.

Depending on how brave I feel about what I may come home to, I may need to get out of the house on my own this weekend just so I can have some peace. Our dog is in for a teeth cleaning today, so if he's up to it (he's pretty old - 13! - and I'm worried about the after-effects of the cleaning/anesthesia), I may "dognap" him for a couple hours and just go find a shady, grassy knoll somewhere for some dog snuggle therapy.

I am feeling so so flat. All this anxiety is exhausting. I'm at work right now, and it's honestly all I can do to not cry or curl up in a ball under my desk & go to sleep.