What Are The Rules
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 41
What Are The Rules
New topic for me! Alcoholism surrounds me--my 15 year husband has been a binge drinker (Friday and Saturday nights) for years. Since I came on this site I have been practicing the 3 c's and have really been much less stressed about his drinking. In March he got a DUI and has lost his job. He went to intensive outpatient therapy and now goes to AA meeting and has been sober for 40 days. Here's my dilemma--I am mad!! I told him for years that something bad was going to happen and that he needed to slow down and get his drinking under control and he would just say that I was controlling. Now I think he expects that I will change my routine and just be the supportive wife. When he was drinking he would go to happy hour on Friday and come home and pass out so he was never home and then on Saturday nights it was a repeat so my weekends were with the kids and friends (I had given up on him being a part of our family on the weekends). So is the expectation for me to never have a drink/beer/glass of wine? I am not a big drinker but maybe 3 or 4 drinks on the weekend during social situations. I have stayed home every weekends since this started and I am becoming stir crazy. Next week I have to go on a work trip that spouses come along with--it's a celebration trip and there will be drinking going on. What is the deal? Am I an awful person if I want to have a drink? Should he just not go. Today he said I will be fine since WE are not drinking anymore implying that since he was stopping that he automatically assumed that I would quit too. Thoughts??
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I think the rules are probably, you have to do what is best for you.
If you do that, then it will be what is best for everyone. Even if they don't see it that way. You are responsible for you and you only, you can not control anyone else.
If you do that, then it will be what is best for everyone. Even if they don't see it that way. You are responsible for you and you only, you can not control anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Personally if it were me, I would leave him home.
Actually, if he is truly serious about being sober he would decline to even go. It's way to early in his recovery for that type of temptation .
This scenerio has disaster written all over it. You are seriously entertaining taking him to a work related function where booze is served, and he only has 40 days sober ??.....
and from reading your post it sounds like you would like to enjoy a cocktail or two, Nope can't see this having a happy ending.
And just my other two cents worth, I don't understand, a married man with kids trolling the bars alone on weekends. WTH ? Something is real messed up with that.
So his drinking has already got him in trouble with the law, he lost his job, he's acting like a college boy I'd be mad as hell too.
Please take some time to educate yourself about addiction, it will be the best gift you can give you and your kids at this time. Keep posting you are not alone.
Actually, if he is truly serious about being sober he would decline to even go. It's way to early in his recovery for that type of temptation .
This scenerio has disaster written all over it. You are seriously entertaining taking him to a work related function where booze is served, and he only has 40 days sober ??.....
and from reading your post it sounds like you would like to enjoy a cocktail or two, Nope can't see this having a happy ending.
And just my other two cents worth, I don't understand, a married man with kids trolling the bars alone on weekends. WTH ? Something is real messed up with that.
So his drinking has already got him in trouble with the law, he lost his job, he's acting like a college boy I'd be mad as hell too.
Please take some time to educate yourself about addiction, it will be the best gift you can give you and your kids at this time. Keep posting you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
I think you do what works for you and makes you happy.
The other adult in your relationship has not needed your approval for the past 15 years, why does he need it now? If the other adult is going, or is not going to, drink, it will happen regardless of your actions.
Your work is having a celebration trip.....go and have fun. Lord knows you deserve it after all these weekends alone.
The other adult in your relationship has not needed your approval for the past 15 years, why does he need it now? If the other adult is going, or is not going to, drink, it will happen regardless of your actions.
Your work is having a celebration trip.....go and have fun. Lord knows you deserve it after all these weekends alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I have been reading a book called The Dance of Anger. It really helps put some perspective on relating in ways to express your anger but not in dissociative ways that continue arguments but resolve them.
I can see why you'd be angry with him. I am angry with my ABF for not realizing how he has hurt me and our son. I too want to go visit my cousin soon, and I did tell him that if he wasn't sober and working on recovery then he could not go. I told him it was embarrassing for me to always have to go places with a drunk. It is up to you to decide how you want to approach this issue with your husband. In my opinion, and it is only my opinion, you must let him know your expectations and how it will affect you if he does drink. Dig deep and find the answer within, it is in there.
Good luck.
I can see why you'd be angry with him. I am angry with my ABF for not realizing how he has hurt me and our son. I too want to go visit my cousin soon, and I did tell him that if he wasn't sober and working on recovery then he could not go. I told him it was embarrassing for me to always have to go places with a drunk. It is up to you to decide how you want to approach this issue with your husband. In my opinion, and it is only my opinion, you must let him know your expectations and how it will affect you if he does drink. Dig deep and find the answer within, it is in there.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
Next month my company will be having our annual summer social event where alcohol is served. After my AH first went to treatment I didn't go because I didn't feel it would be a good place for him.
Facts are facts - If they choose to, they will drink, nothing we can do about it. He has relapsed several times and I had nothing to do with it.
His problem is not mine, I can drink responsibly. I still would feel uncomfortable so I never drink around hiim, but I choose to go to our event whether I have a drink or not and I let him find something else to do,
Facts are facts - If they choose to, they will drink, nothing we can do about it. He has relapsed several times and I had nothing to do with it.
His problem is not mine, I can drink responsibly. I still would feel uncomfortable so I never drink around hiim, but I choose to go to our event whether I have a drink or not and I let him find something else to do,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
In my experience don't take him. E en if he doesn't drink he's so early in his recovery he will have a huge chip on his shoulder and there will be a tense energy that will negatively affec YOUR celebration. Hasn't he ruined enough good times?
You deserve to enjoy this trip for you and stress free.
BTW super impressed with your success at work despite having the weight of an addict on your back. Imagine what you could achieve with someone who supports you. Just a thought....
You deserve to enjoy this trip for you and stress free.
BTW super impressed with your success at work despite having the weight of an addict on your back. Imagine what you could achieve with someone who supports you. Just a thought....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi DS
I gave up bringing my AH to anything a long time ago, even long before I had decided we were over. I never, ever enjoyed myself when he was there, the dread used to build up for days beforehand, by the time the day/night/weekend would come around I would be so wound up and ready for war! I am going to a wedding tomorrow of someone who I work with. It was never an option for me to bring my AH – it didn’t even cross my mind. I am so excited about the day and night away. If he was coming with me I would be feeling sick about it. I deserve to enjoy myself with friends/colleagues and to be able to relax.
As far as me not drinking goes, I remember a time where I told him I was willing to stop drinking forever if it would help him. At the time I really thought this would make a difference to him. How wrong I was (again). I like my glass of wine or cider or beer when I feel like it, and whether I was drinking or not had no impact on my AH – all he could think about was alcohol either way.
Think what a great weekend you will have if you go without him. You will be able to unwind, have fun, and only worry about yourself – it will be an eye opener for you I bet!
Adventure
I gave up bringing my AH to anything a long time ago, even long before I had decided we were over. I never, ever enjoyed myself when he was there, the dread used to build up for days beforehand, by the time the day/night/weekend would come around I would be so wound up and ready for war! I am going to a wedding tomorrow of someone who I work with. It was never an option for me to bring my AH – it didn’t even cross my mind. I am so excited about the day and night away. If he was coming with me I would be feeling sick about it. I deserve to enjoy myself with friends/colleagues and to be able to relax.
As far as me not drinking goes, I remember a time where I told him I was willing to stop drinking forever if it would help him. At the time I really thought this would make a difference to him. How wrong I was (again). I like my glass of wine or cider or beer when I feel like it, and whether I was drinking or not had no impact on my AH – all he could think about was alcohol either way.
Think what a great weekend you will have if you go without him. You will be able to unwind, have fun, and only worry about yourself – it will be an eye opener for you I bet!
Adventure
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 100
It was funny how mine didn't want "anybody to dare try to control his drinking" yet he would be the first one to do that very thing to others (even proclaiming that others or I were the alcoholics).
Social functions were awful if he was drinking and, because of his moody black heart attitude and being jealous of others having fun, awful if he wasn't drinking. Who needs to invite that, or adapt even one more iota to their sickness?
Social functions were awful if he was drinking and, because of his moody black heart attitude and being jealous of others having fun, awful if he wasn't drinking. Who needs to invite that, or adapt even one more iota to their sickness?
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