mmd

I'm new to this site and looking for some reassurance and support from people we've been here before.

I've been with my husband for 4 years and we got married in January. We have two kids, dd 2, and ds 1. We met as friends drinking at our local pub and fell in love very hard and very fast. For the most part he is lovely, supportive, affectionate and a fantastic father.

But he has a problem with binge drinking. Every now and then he will start drinking and refuses to stop until the alcohol is gone or he blacks out. About a year ago he started getting verbally abusive during these bouts. About six months ago, he started punching doors and throwing and breaking my things. Last night he progessed to intimidating and threatening to hit me. I called the police to get him to leave and am in the process of applying for a dvo. He is now staying at his parents home.

After these bouts in the past he has always been apologetic and promises not to drink anymore, but that rarely lasts more than a couple of weeks. The town we live in revolves around it's pub and his friends and father are all problem drinkers. Prior to when I met him he had had a serious drug history, but had been clean for four years.

This morning I know that something has to be done. I honestly believe he has a serious problem with alcohol and I'm scared that it's only a matter of time until he gets physical with me. I also know it's not healthy for my kids to wake up to their father drunk, ranting and abusive in the middle of the night.

I think I am doing the right thing by drawing the line in the sand, but I love him and part of me feels horribly guilty about putting it on him, so I guess it would be nice to have some reassurance from people who have been there and understand the conflicted feelings I'm feeling

Thanks for reading my life story and thanks in advance for any insist you can offer
Mmd

suki44883

Welcome to SR, mmd. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but you are definitely right to have boundaries. Violence is never justified and it sounds like his violence is escalating. I agree that it will only be a matter of time until he shoves you, hits you, or does something else physically violent to you.

You will find a lot of support here from people who have dealt with the same things you are dealing with now. I hope you will stick around and read and post often. It will help. Again, welcome to SR.

EnglishGarden

Welcome, mmd.

It takes only one traumatic incident to alter the course of a child's life. It is traumatic for a child to witness a violent parent, the child cannot cope with this, and the child will dissociate and that can affect every other aspect of the child's life. As well, children always blame themselves when their parents are out of control. And this false guilt also stays with the child and impacts his or her emotional development. Every time your husband creates chaos in your home, he is inflicting incalculable damage on your children.

Keep him out and do not let him back in until he has at minimum one continuous year of sobriety and consistent responsible behavior.

If it were you alone, then it would be you alone who could take the risk of further violent behavior and deal with it.

But we simply cannot allow our children to be damaged. We cannot.

Please hold the boundary you have set.

Bluebonnet1

Mmd, I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm here for the same type of support, and I know it's hard. It's such a vicious cycle of anger and then forgiveness. It's no way to live, and you have to think of your children. I had to pick my friend up on the side of the freeway last night because she'd run out of gas trying to escape her husband who was in an alcoholic rage. I begged her to stay with us, but of course she went home. He's back at the house, and I know it's just a matter of time before she forgives him, and then the cycle starts all over again. We allow so much hurt and pain when we deserve so much better. Please stick to your guns. If he gets help on his own, maybe you can figure out a way to let him back in, but don't sacrifice your self-worth in the meantime.
Hugs to you.

akrasia

Welcome.

As you know, being abused, being in fear, messes with your head. A medical fact! So it's dead impressive that you had the clarity to set this boundary.

I hope you reach out for support. I recommend not having contact with husband for at least several months (apart from brief chats arranging visits with kids, etc.) If he's serious about changing he'll respect your wish in this.

Remember, there are a ton of resources out there for people in your situation. They get funded to provide practical help, counselling, all kinds of support. Reach out to them!

Tuffgirl

Welcome, mmd. Please read the stickies at the top of the F&F home page. Lots of great information there, as well as in our threads.

I am sorry you are experiencing this, and I agree with the other posters that its time for firm boundaries.

I also agree with the idea of consistent actions over time. I am very grateful this was drilled into me early on. After an 18 month separation, recovery for both of us, I am able to see our relationship was built on alcoholism and will not survive. And that's ok.

Take it all one day at a time, and good for you for being such a great Mom and standing up for you and your kiddos.

Keep coming back!
~T