Sad but hopeful.
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Sad but hopeful.
I'm sorry for all of the posts. I just really have no one else to talk to who understands what this is like. Writing it down is really helping.
My AH called me tonight, sobered up. He said that he thinks the best thing he can do for me is let me go, because he's a vile, horrible person, and he's done so much to me that I would be better off without him. He said I know he's right. An I do. He said he has always hated himself, and he is thinking about getting some help. I told him that I would like for him to be happy, and that our boys need him. He said he agrees.
I am sad but it's true. This is a toxic situation. And I am actually so much more relaxed at my parents' than I am at home. Last night when I left, I left my rings on our wedding photo on the bed. We both looked younger and happy. It's so sad. We have two babies now. It's sad that he's been through what he's been through in his life, but maybe we can still be happy, just not together.
My AH called me tonight, sobered up. He said that he thinks the best thing he can do for me is let me go, because he's a vile, horrible person, and he's done so much to me that I would be better off without him. He said I know he's right. An I do. He said he has always hated himself, and he is thinking about getting some help. I told him that I would like for him to be happy, and that our boys need him. He said he agrees.
I am sad but it's true. This is a toxic situation. And I am actually so much more relaxed at my parents' than I am at home. Last night when I left, I left my rings on our wedding photo on the bed. We both looked younger and happy. It's so sad. We have two babies now. It's sad that he's been through what he's been through in his life, but maybe we can still be happy, just not together.
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Oh it was this kind of talk that was hardest for me.
It felt like he was finally getting it, the drinking, the lack of confidence (that I could not figure out why he had) etc.
I got into trouble though because I thought talking the talk, was walking the walk, and would go back thinking all was going to be okay.
You have had so much change in a short period of time. I hope you are taking good care of yourself and your kiddos right now, eating, sleeping, being gentle with yourself etc.
It felt like he was finally getting it, the drinking, the lack of confidence (that I could not figure out why he had) etc.
I got into trouble though because I thought talking the talk, was walking the walk, and would go back thinking all was going to be okay.
You have had so much change in a short period of time. I hope you are taking good care of yourself and your kiddos right now, eating, sleeping, being gentle with yourself etc.
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He called me awhile ago to say he's done, he doesn't trust me and he wants a divorce, because I lied one night five years ago. Even though the reason I lies goes back to his drinking. He said I'm not a trustworthy person. But I've been with this person five years and never once done anything remotely disloyal.
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Classic deflected and quacking on his part. I think we have all heard that ridiculous line about not trusting us because of some minute thing from our past. They are reaching for excuses when they say these kinds of things to make us feel guilty and take the blame so they don't feel bad. It made me crazy until I learned what he was doing.
Turn the phone off, take a hot bath, eat something yummy and horrible for you, watch something silly on tv, breathe deep, and do something selfish just for you.
Turn the phone off, take a hot bath, eat something yummy and horrible for you, watch something silly on tv, breathe deep, and do something selfish just for you.
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Originally Posted by EmmyG 
He called me awhile ago to say he's done, he doesn't trust me and he wants a divorce, because I lied one night five years ago. Even though the reason I lies goes back to his drinking. He said I'm not a trustworthy person. But I've been with this person five years and never once done anything remotely disloyal.
I also look at our wedding photo and remember the good times. It's sooo sad to remember it and then let him go. I grieve for my husband, the good guy who was my partner and friend, who is now going through life under the influence, so lost and sad.
While I grieve for him and our lost marriage, I also have to be smart, to remove myself from a toxic life. It will be hard, but you'll move on without him. You and your kids deserve a life of peace.
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I am just so confused. He is saying I'm a sl*t and that I've been disloyal because one night before we got married I went out to a certain bar and lied about it. I lied because he had accused me of sleeping with someone from there and I didn't want to upset him. So he says I've ruined our marriage because of that lie, and he says the fact that I went out a lot tells him what kind of girl I am. Mind you I've slept with one other person besides him and I'm 30 years old. He's really making me feel guilt about that lie like I'm the reason for his drinking. He says it eats way at him and he resents and hates me.
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Do not be confused. He is lying! It's a lie! Don't listen to the crazy psycho rambling made-up accusations. Do not fall for this mind game. You feel guilty for 1 lie? How many times has he lied? Does he even feel guilty about 1? You are not a ****, he knows it and you know you it.
You can stop from being confused because you have the control to stop engaging him. Stop listening to him because will make you hostage to his disease. Turn off your phone.
You can stop from being confused because you have the control to stop engaging him. Stop listening to him because will make you hostage to his disease. Turn off your phone.
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Originally Posted by EmmyG
I am just so confused.
You know the truth, he is trying to twist the truth, so there is nothing to be confused about. If he is anything like my AH, he lies all day every day. If bringing up one white lie 5 years ago from you makes him feel better about himself, then leave him off. His head is buried so deeply in the sand he'll be hitting oil soon. Their ability to zone in on one teensy-weensy irrelvant thing that we may have done in the past always amazes me. They can't remember our birthdays or our anniversaries or all the s**t they've put us through, but they can sure as hell remember the one time we lied or the one time we lashed out or whatever else.
Be strong - you are doing so great and are so brave to have left.
Adventure
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This is typical manipulation tactic that addicts use, they attempt to turn the tables to deflect, to take the spotlight off of themselves and put it on someone else.
So what if you lied 5 years ago, he's been lieing to you all along.
There is no reason to feel guilty, go no contact as much as possible, stop listening to his childish babble.
So what if you lied 5 years ago, he's been lieing to you all along.
There is no reason to feel guilty, go no contact as much as possible, stop listening to his childish babble.
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I believed what he said about me, and in the last couple of years I am starting to understand that what he said was not the truth.
Reality can be really painful, and when my ex spoke words like this to me it hooked me in because I got a glimpse of how incredibly painful his world is.
I did not cause it, could not control it and could not cure it though....regardless of how much he and I wanted to make the problem mine. If I took it on I thought I could fix it.
I hear in his words to you pain, but a continued unwillingness to look at his own stuff. I started to make big gains in recovery when I realized that it was just words...similar to the words he was using to say he was going to try recovery. I did not have to take those words on.
Reality can be really painful, and when my ex spoke words like this to me it hooked me in because I got a glimpse of how incredibly painful his world is.
I did not cause it, could not control it and could not cure it though....regardless of how much he and I wanted to make the problem mine. If I took it on I thought I could fix it.
I hear in his words to you pain, but a continued unwillingness to look at his own stuff. I started to make big gains in recovery when I realized that it was just words...similar to the words he was using to say he was going to try recovery. I did not have to take those words on.
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This is from a site a that has some very good articles on alcoholism:
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior. (Excuses Alcoholics Make)
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior. (Excuses Alcoholics Make)
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Originally Posted by changeschoices
This is from a site a that has some very good articles on alcoholism:
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior. (Excuses Alcoholics Make)
The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior. (Excuses Alcoholics Make)
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He's convincing himself, and it sounds like you a bit, that you are responsible for the problems HIS alcoholism has caused. Lying about going somewhere once 5 yrs ago (bc you didn't want to deal with his accusations) is not a marriage breaker. He's abused you, scared your kids and lied throughout your marriage.
I am not one to preach this bc I suck at it myself, but do not give his accusations the time of day-- no matter how much they bother you, do not engage and respond. He wants a response and no matter how rational your points and how sane you try to make the conversation he will make it spiral further into craziness.
He needs to believe you are to blame and he will try to make you believe it.
My AH, when he knew I was done, turned it around and said horrid things about how he'd never loved me, he married me out of pity etc... He cut me down and I felt like I was being left and like you felt like I wasted so much time trying to make something work with someone who so callously was ditching me bc I finally was done with his abuse?
It's a tactic. He wants to make you feel so low that you go back. He's being emotionally abusive and if you can, just delete his texts and emails and voicemails and talk about nothing but the kids.
He's going to get meaner when he doesn't get his way (that being you returning and accepting his abusive drunk behavior). Brace yourself for it.
I am not one to preach this bc I suck at it myself, but do not give his accusations the time of day-- no matter how much they bother you, do not engage and respond. He wants a response and no matter how rational your points and how sane you try to make the conversation he will make it spiral further into craziness.
He needs to believe you are to blame and he will try to make you believe it.
My AH, when he knew I was done, turned it around and said horrid things about how he'd never loved me, he married me out of pity etc... He cut me down and I felt like I was being left and like you felt like I wasted so much time trying to make something work with someone who so callously was ditching me bc I finally was done with his abuse?
It's a tactic. He wants to make you feel so low that you go back. He's being emotionally abusive and if you can, just delete his texts and emails and voicemails and talk about nothing but the kids.
He's going to get meaner when he doesn't get his way (that being you returning and accepting his abusive drunk behavior). Brace yourself for it.
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Originally Posted by Adventure
Hi EmmyG
They can't remember our birthdays or our anniversaries or all the s**t they've put us through, but they can sure as hell remember the one time we lied or the one time we lashed out or whatever else.
Adventure
They can't remember our birthdays or our anniversaries or all the s**t they've put us through, but they can sure as hell remember the one time we lied or the one time we lashed out or whatever else.
Adventure
Nevermind he spends ALL his money on alcohol and eats ALL the food I buy for our family. I am a greedy, selfish B#*ch for worrying about money and I shouldn't complain that he spends $150 or so a week on beer while I spend that money on food and can't even afford to buy myself anything because I have to buy all of our necessities.
My mom is watching my son overnight tonight and I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting and taking myself out to the movies. I don't care if he thinks I am out cheating on him. LOL. I wish I could go out and cheat on him but I hate men at this point and feel non-sexual to the point where I am not sure I can ever have a relationship again.
is what I think about sex at this point.
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Me too, girl. AH said I "better" make good decisions when it comes to guys and bringing men home. I laughed out loud and told him the LAST thing on my mind is men. I have NO desire for sex. The only concern I have is supporting myself and making my kids happy.
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Emmy. You aren't weak, you aren't dumb, and you aren't what he says you are. What you are is suffering from the fact that you've been in a toxic relationship with an alcoholic for a long time. You are also way too focused on him.
You are strong, you know the truth about yourself, so believe you, not him. I see posts from you where you show understanding and strength, then you turn around and say something bad about yourself, or something stereo-typically "weak female victim." Stop. You, and your boys, can't afford you indulging in this, not to mention you modeling this type of behavior for them. I remember as a small boy watching my dad lecture my mom like she was a child and she just took it, and it's no surprise at all that I grew into a man who thought that was what a relationship with a woman was-- needless to say I became exactly the type of man I didn't want to be, and it took me 30 years and an alcoholic wife before I figured out women and I are equals in a relationship and, more so, that I deserve a woman who is my equal. Or even better. Don't do this to your boys.
I don't think you are confused at all. I think you are sometimes indulging denial and not being honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself, continue doing what you know is right regardless of what your AH says, and continue with your Alanan meetings.
Take care,
Cyranoak
You are strong, you know the truth about yourself, so believe you, not him. I see posts from you where you show understanding and strength, then you turn around and say something bad about yourself, or something stereo-typically "weak female victim." Stop. You, and your boys, can't afford you indulging in this, not to mention you modeling this type of behavior for them. I remember as a small boy watching my dad lecture my mom like she was a child and she just took it, and it's no surprise at all that I grew into a man who thought that was what a relationship with a woman was-- needless to say I became exactly the type of man I didn't want to be, and it took me 30 years and an alcoholic wife before I figured out women and I are equals in a relationship and, more so, that I deserve a woman who is my equal. Or even better. Don't do this to your boys.
I don't think you are confused at all. I think you are sometimes indulging denial and not being honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself, continue doing what you know is right regardless of what your AH says, and continue with your Alanan meetings.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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Originally Posted by EmmyG
Me too, girl. AH said I "better" make good decisions when it comes to guys and bringing men home. I laughed out loud and told him the LAST thing on my mind is men. I have NO desire for sex. The only concern I have is supporting myself and making my kids happy.
"I am going to find someone just like you sweetheart. There must be some perfect man out there who just needs my love to make him complete. He will not lie to me, cheat on me and smoke crack until his paycheck is gone. I know that is what you want for the children. Someone just like you."
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Cyranoak,
Very well said.
If there were one thing I could change it would be this, getting the kids away from the show. The circus. The merry go round. And that ever lovin rollercoaster!
Beth
Very well said.
You, and your boys, can't afford you indulging in this, not to mention you modeling this type of behavior for them.
Beth
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