Anon12

i have an alcoholic boyfriend who i am still very much in love with but I can't cope anymore with the relapses. He says he is going to AA but he has had two relapses in a week of eachother, one on the second day of our holiday which was meant to be the chance for us to get our relationship back on track. I have not managed detachment or any of the techniques I promised myself I'd try but when he relapses on holiday (we were abroad) I decided to get an early flight and leave - it felt like the only thing I could do rather than spend all either watching him drink or watching him worrying he was drinking. I have thought long and hard and think I need to ask him to move out (i pay the majority of bills at the moment so he cannot afford to live in our flat on his own). I feel bereft at the idea but I don't think he's hit his rock bottom and I am just propping him up. I think me leaving our holiday may have shocked him but not enough. Am I kidding myself that us breaking up might help him get sober and maybe save our relationship? I would really appreciate some advice as to what boundaries I should set.

Pelican

Yes.

If you are breaking up to get him sober and maybe save your relationship - that is a control issue. You are trying to control his behavior with your actions - that is also co-dependency.

Break up because you won't accept alcoholism in your relationship. Period.

Anon12

I understand that - I am breaking up with him because I don't want this anymore and can't cope with the stress, anxiety and destructiveness. I realise all our dreams are never going to happen while he drinks. But I'd be lying if I didn't hope that this is the kick he needs - i've been there on the control and can see how doing this with the wrong motives is just another version of controlling his behaviour but I am struggling with what boundaries to set for contact after the break.

Pelican

How about NC - no contact.

Give him a year to work on his addictions, give yourself a year to work on recovery - and see where you are after a year of focusing on your personal recoveries.

Anon12

Thank you for your advice - i know I need to work on me too.

Pelican

I admire how you walked away from a trip abroad to protect yourself from His relapse!

Good on you!

brownhorse

I am proud of you for leaving your vacation early. That was a hard step.. As you go to Al-anon and he doesn't change, it will get easier to realize this is a permanent situation....or he will work on himself and then in a year you will be in a better place to be in a relationship with him. Best wishes. It sounds like you are ready to do what is best for you. Don't second guess it now.

m1k3

Anon12, I'm sorry for the way I handled that, I should have told you that there was a friends and family section and where to find it.

I apologize for the insensitive and unskillful way I handled that.

I can say I understand what you are going through. I left my AW of 36 years just last year. I can tell you that things do get better.

One of the things that really helped me was going to Al-Anon. It is a great place for me to learn how to work on myself, to let go of the past and to begin to take care of myself.

As for your ABF. There isn't really anything you can do to help him. His recovery is totally up to him. He will get better when he is ready to and not one second sooner. Doesn't really matter what you do or don't do.

As for boundaries I agree with Pelican. Once I went no contact my life and recovery began to improve greatly. I was no longer being dragged into the manipulation and the lies and the chaos. I really began to see that life without my AW was not an end but a new beginning.

Please read and post here often as we are here for you and we know what it is like to be going through what you are going through.

Your friend,

Anon12

Thank you for everyone's posts. I have been going to a group for affected others which has helped but we don't always get a chance to talk in depth and I have been wondering whether to try Al Anon as I understood you get a sponsor. I am finding it hard not to wonder if I could have done something different, even though the rational me knows I didn't cause it. I am conscious he doesn't have a supportive family (his parents made it clear it was 'our' problem) and not many friends so I feel a responsibility that I know isn't mine. I am going to try and work on me and stick to my resolve in the hope that I feel better and if as a result, he gets better too, then that I guess is a bonus.

m1k3

It is his life and his choices. You have no control over what he chooses to do. Without control there can be no responsibility. The best I could do with my wife was back off and let her live her life and make her choices.

And I could finally put down that load and start taking responsibility for my life and my choices.

Your friend,

SoaringSpirits

Anon, you can just go to Al Anon meetings and sit and listen, there is no pressure to do anything more. I have been attending Al Anon for a year and I still don't have a sponsor, haven't been ready for it until recently.

Work on yourself, and let him go. Whether he sobers up and changes his life, or not, is entirely his affair. You have no control over anything except yourself.

When I was able to finally let this sink in, I found it sort of scary and exciting to think about ME and what did *I* want in my life. In doing so I realized that so much of my energy had been wrapped up in anger and worry about things over which I had absolutely zero control. Each day is a challenge, but it's pretty exciting to pay attention to myself again and I'm starting to blossom.

Anon12

I just feel do sad - I've been with him 5 years and it wasn't always like this. It's just got worse especially the last year. I'm not even angry anymore, although I think that may change when I see him. We are meeting tomorrow to talk but I haven't worked out what I'm going to say and I don't know how he will react, especially as I know he has nowhere to go and no money to get a place. That makes it even more difficult. I keep telling myself it isn't my problem but I haven't stopped caring about him and worry he will end up homeless.

dollydo

If he works he can find himself another place to live. I am sure that there are rooms to rent in your area.

In any case, where he lives is his problem, he is an adult, allow him the dignity to become a responsible one.

Addicts are very resourseful, most of them quickly find another enabler to latch onto. I swear they have Codiedar and can spot a copendent, needy person a mile away. So don't worry about him, he'll be fine.

Anon12

Thank you for those comments. They ring true and even though I know I'm not the cause of it, I have come to realise i am stopping him becoming responsible by supporting him and being there every time he drinks. He's in some debt so a lot of his salary goes on paying off loans so I wonder if his addiction to drinking is just one elemnet of a lack of control and maturity. Is it possible for someone to grow up and sort themselves out or will he always be that way? I know deep down if he isn't going to get better, I'm better off out of it and if he is going to get better, I'm better off out of it to give us both a chance to get our lives into perspective.

I've found it difficult, and still do, as I never recognised the behaviour other people have told me about - he's never been verbally abusive, never violent, he doesn't put me down or blame me for his drinking. He certainly had excuses that I dont' think were valid but more often that not recently if he had a relapse, he would just say how sorry he was he'd let me down adn that he wasn't able to be the person I wanted him to be. I know deep down he isn't facing up to his problems and he can be the person he wants to be if he tried. He just isn't trying.

It doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic, i know he is now, but it made me stay with him longer as I thought, he's not as bad as those people so maybe there is hope. I feel stupid now. We've been together five and a half years and I'm now 39. I wish I'd left sooner so I could have given us both a chance. I'm finding it really hard - at the beginning of our holiday, everything was so good, he was the normal him, confident, loving, switched on and ready for a break for us to get on track. I don't know what went wrong but I wish I hadn't seen him like that, I wish I hadn't seen the glimpse of what could be so I woudln't be thinking of that and wishing for it so much.

I'm going to be strong and stick to my resolve but I am beginning to worry about what his reaction will be. Not towards me but what I should do if I tell him to move out tomorrow and he reacts by going on a bender? I am staying with a friend on Saturday night so I have somewhere to go but I don't know what i'll do if I come back on Sunday and he's drunk and I feel stuck with him in that state. I'm not able to get to an Al Anon meeting before then or my group and probably won't get to see a counsellor til next week. Sorry for such a long ramble - I am finding the commments here very helpful and supportive.

m1k3

If he decides to drink, or not, is totally his decision. You are no more responsible for his drinking than you are mine.

What I have come to learn is that recovery is a selfish process, theirs and our. For me to get better, to become healthier, to regain my center and to achieve serenity I needed to be selfish. Not in a bad, greedy, clingy way but in a good healthy I have the right to take care of myself first way.

It is ok for me to take care of me, it is ok for me to love me and it is ok if I do that before I think of anyone else.

I spent most of my life trying to fix other people and putting them first and me second. It sounds like a noble and saintly lifestyle but it wasn't. It was hell. I was lost to the point that I didn't even think of myself in the first person. Instead of Mike it was always us or AW and Mike. In my head I didn't even exist as an individual.

So, now I am an individual, I like me, I love me and I will take care of myself first without guilt. And by doing so I have found that I can be more helpful and supportive of others in a way that is not destructive to myself.

So, this big long ramble is saying it's ok to take care of yourself first.

Your friend,

changeschoices

I'm 41 and just ended my relationship with my A after over two years. Oddly enough, I broke up with him the night we were leaving for a weekend trip to work on our relationship after his last horrible binge. He got drunk at an event before the trip and that was that for me.

He is living with his brother since I made him leave. He has serious financial problems because of his drinking and the many consequences, including legal problems. He is going to have to file bankruptcy for the second time.

It's been almost a month and the only communication we've had is via email, about the money he owes me. He wanted to call me to discuss our relationship, but I told him no, there is nothing to discuss--I can't live with his drinking, and he has chosen not to get help in order to stay with me. I will not meet with him or talk to him on the phone. He's been okay about it, except that he called me last Friday night and I wouldn't answer.

He came to get his stuff from my house, but I made sure it was directly after work so I knew he'd be sober, because I would not deal with him drunk. If he should ever show up on my doorstep drunk in the future, I will call the police and have them deal with it. It would be very unhealthy for me to talk to him at all at this point, but particulary if he's drunk.

I know that he has been going on benders since I ended it and that he is in serious financial trouble. To be frank, I don't care. His alcoholism wasted over two years of my life and put me through the wringer. My A is different than yours, because he eventually became abusive and miserable to me. It's a progressive disease and he's at least 7 to 10 years into it, so if you stay with an A, things can get really ugly down the line.

I still think about the normal guy in there, behind the alcoholism, and the wonderful connection we had in many ways. But it is holding me back; I need to accept that he is not capable of a healthy relationship unless he gets help and is sober for at least a year. And no one can help an alcholic but themselves. I loaned my A money and enabled him to keep drinking and be irresponsible. I broke up with him not because I don't love him, but because it was clear that I was enabling him.

My therapist said to view my A as standing on a wooden platform. The platform is the hopes and dreams of a life with me that he built, based on his love for me. And also his hopes for improving his life, finances, career, etc. The platform is real; his dreams are real. But everytime he drinks, it's like he's pouring acid on the platform, and it's dissolving. Alcoholism is incompatible with hopes and dreams and growth. It just doesn't work.

I know you feel guilty, but you've got to give your A a chance to get better. And the only way to do it, unfortunately, is by cutting off your support in all ways if he continues to choose to drink.

Did you get your key back? Has he moved out?

Anon12

He hasn't moved out as he is getting a flight back today and I am staying at my mother's to try and work out what to do. I am going back tomorrow morning to talk it over and will ask him to leave at the weekend. He can come and get his stuff another time but I've already looked at room costs and see there are things he could afford. I am about to write a letter with all I want to say so if I'm too upset tomorrow or I don't feel I phrase it right. AT the very least it will get it clear in my head what I want to say.

I know he will tell me he will stop drinking and really try but I think I am enabling him by letting him stay - with me there always when he apologises, to help financially, to help emotionally, he doens't have to stand on his own two feet.

I need to get the keys from him when he's back and we have a joint account that I need to close. He's on our lease so I'll need to check how that works but our landlord is a solicitor so hopefully he can give me advice...

Thanks too Mike for your words - ultimately I've neglected myself and my needs to help him and enabled him to rely on me too much.

Spes

Anon12,

I wasn't going to write in this thread till you wrote that paragraph. You have described my life and relationship with my wife perfectly.

I decided to stay and whatever decision you make will be the one that works for you. Everyone who replied to you in this thread has given great advice and experiences that I immensely respect. I sometimes wonder how different my life would have been, and could have been, if I made a different decision.

I will tell you that the emotional turmoil you feel now will continue to get worse till the point that it sucks the very life from you. It will absolutely tear you apart to see the one you love destroy himself, both physically and mentally. I suffer daily as I watch my wife destroy her health and her mind. I was desperate when I came here to SR and these wonderful people helped pull me from my despair and show me the idea of loving detachment.

I hope with all my heart you find the peace you are searching for. I have learned in my short time here that peace resides within me....not from another person.

Anon12

I kept my resolve and I told my ABF today that I couldn't continue like this and I wanted him to move out. I wasn't sure what to expect as I know when someone's back is against the wall, they can be unpredictable but it was made slightly less painful by the fact he didn't argue with me and he accepted it and told me he understood that he had screwed things up and needed to leave and sort himself out. He's speaking to his parents but I don't hold out much hope as they made it clear last time he couldn't stay so he has said he will look for a place as soon as possible.

I just feel so sad that it's come to this. I don't feel angry at him, we are just both crying and very sad. It's also difficult to move on with him still here, although in a twisted way, I'm not ready for him to leave yet. Also, I feel like everything is conspiring against me to do this - our car has developed an engine fault and the garage can't look at it til Monday. He needs the car for work as he works a 1.5 hour drive away and makes sense for him to look for a place near work to save on fuel and enable him to afford something. It means that can't really happen til early next week which isn't great.

I am going to stay at a friend's tomorrow until Sunday to give us both space and then he is hopefully going to go to his paretns on Sunday night even if just for one night as his parents live near his work so he can hopefully stay there and get to work and then sort out finding a place next week. I just hope it doesn't drag on as I can cope with tonight but it will be difficult next week.

Anon12

I'm starting to worry he is not going to leave ... he has said it might take up to a month for him to move out and it depends on finding the right place. He is going to his parent's on Sunday but they won't supposedly let him stay and say it's up to us to sort out between us. What do I do? I can't stay with him here - we clearly still have feelings and its causing confusion for us both but I think he thinks I will change my mind, although I have told him I won't, just in case he thought by staying, we'd slip into old routines. I'm also worried if he drinks, I'm still going to have to deal with the crap but while feeling worse than ever!! I have next week off (was meant to be to relax before work) but I can't relax if he is here and then I have to go back to work while living still with him. I think I need to tell him tomorrow to pack enough things for the week and take it to his parents so he can look for places nearby rather than driving back and forth to ours. What if he doesn't and he comes back on Monday??!