How do you get Alcoholics to leave you alone??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 63
How do you get Alcoholics to leave you alone??
So I came onto SR this evening and was looking at the Friends and Family posts about dealing with alcoholics in close relationships. I have family members that are alcoholics. I too am an alcoholic who has not had a drink in almost 8 years. I was reading the posts and thought, nah, I don't need to be on this site. I can handle whatever goes around in the family, it's not that bad.
It's not that bad that my brother, who almost died in the Intensive Care Unit in 2004 when he was detoxing, is secretly drinking Jameson and beer every night. He was clean for several years, I think. Now, I am not sure. He has no relationship with his beautiful 16 year old daughter, my only niece. Right now, she is in a Children's Hospital for an autoimmune disease, getting intense physical therapy and psychiatric treatment. Even though I know better because my brother is a trouble maker, I texted him one sentence tonight and told him to send a card to his daughter who is in the hospital getting physical therapy and that I had the address. His daughter and I are trying hard to create a relationship and I had been texting her today about how we would run a 5k together when she gets home. A while later I get a text from my niece telling me nicely not to tell her father about her illness or her whereabouts. I was really sorry and upset. She said he texted her an excerpt from Wikipedia about Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy! I was mortified. She was upset and said in their psych meetings they were told to avoid all stress like this.
It's not that bad that my sister called me this morning from the lobby of her apartment building crying. I am pretty sure she wasn't sober. She told me about her boyfriend being a heavy alcoholic and how he verbally abuses her. She got her haircut yesterday and he told her it was ugly. He told her to get out and go live in a shelter. She said he had her arrested a couple of months ago. I have no idea why and couldn't get the whole story from her. She is totally dependent on him financially. I told her that nothing will get better until both of them got off the alcohol. She said she is in an outpatient program but I am pretty sure it isn't working. This conversation went on and on. Her bf is a Financial Advisor with quite a bit of my mother's money. I have already removed a Trust account from him because I knew of his problems. I also confronted him about his drinking in December. He said he knew he had a problem!
It's not that bad!! I am the only caregiver to my 91 year old mother who has dementia and my 92 year old aunt who is homebound. I pay all of their bills, make sure they get to their doctor's appointments, make sure they have home visitors who help them through the day.
So I am trying to make sure my Aunt and mother are safe. I am trying to work on a relationship with my niece. I have a wonderful husband and two grown children whom I am very close to but then I have the alcoholics who lie and cause trouble every time I turn around.
So what do you do? Do you completely ignore them? Ignore their phone calls, texts? Do you let them into your lives and let them screw with your mind every single day for like 50 years???? I am extremely sensitive and take to heart everything that they say and everything that they go through! I have talked to them about their feelings and have tried to help. But they aren't helping themselves so I am moving forward. How do I let go???
It's not that bad that my brother, who almost died in the Intensive Care Unit in 2004 when he was detoxing, is secretly drinking Jameson and beer every night. He was clean for several years, I think. Now, I am not sure. He has no relationship with his beautiful 16 year old daughter, my only niece. Right now, she is in a Children's Hospital for an autoimmune disease, getting intense physical therapy and psychiatric treatment. Even though I know better because my brother is a trouble maker, I texted him one sentence tonight and told him to send a card to his daughter who is in the hospital getting physical therapy and that I had the address. His daughter and I are trying hard to create a relationship and I had been texting her today about how we would run a 5k together when she gets home. A while later I get a text from my niece telling me nicely not to tell her father about her illness or her whereabouts. I was really sorry and upset. She said he texted her an excerpt from Wikipedia about Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy! I was mortified. She was upset and said in their psych meetings they were told to avoid all stress like this.
It's not that bad that my sister called me this morning from the lobby of her apartment building crying. I am pretty sure she wasn't sober. She told me about her boyfriend being a heavy alcoholic and how he verbally abuses her. She got her haircut yesterday and he told her it was ugly. He told her to get out and go live in a shelter. She said he had her arrested a couple of months ago. I have no idea why and couldn't get the whole story from her. She is totally dependent on him financially. I told her that nothing will get better until both of them got off the alcohol. She said she is in an outpatient program but I am pretty sure it isn't working. This conversation went on and on. Her bf is a Financial Advisor with quite a bit of my mother's money. I have already removed a Trust account from him because I knew of his problems. I also confronted him about his drinking in December. He said he knew he had a problem!
It's not that bad!! I am the only caregiver to my 91 year old mother who has dementia and my 92 year old aunt who is homebound. I pay all of their bills, make sure they get to their doctor's appointments, make sure they have home visitors who help them through the day.
So I am trying to make sure my Aunt and mother are safe. I am trying to work on a relationship with my niece. I have a wonderful husband and two grown children whom I am very close to but then I have the alcoholics who lie and cause trouble every time I turn around.
So what do you do? Do you completely ignore them? Ignore their phone calls, texts? Do you let them into your lives and let them screw with your mind every single day for like 50 years???? I am extremely sensitive and take to heart everything that they say and everything that they go through! I have talked to them about their feelings and have tried to help. But they aren't helping themselves so I am moving forward. How do I let go???
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Block their numbers, change your number if needed. It really is that simple.
You have enough to worry about taking care of your mother, and an aunt.
Sounds like you are a great aunt, and you have a good relationship with the girl. She is lucky to have you. I hope she is on the road to recovery.
Sorry to hear the outcome of you contacting your brother, but now you know, and I am certain you can scratch him right off the list. Not to mention, his relationship with his daughter is his business. Often there are underlying reasons why people are estranged. If he is actively drinking again, he cannot be of any real support to his daughter.
My mother had dementia, I know what a demanding role you are living at this time. Remember to take care of yourself too.
Peace.
You have enough to worry about taking care of your mother, and an aunt.
Sounds like you are a great aunt, and you have a good relationship with the girl. She is lucky to have you. I hope she is on the road to recovery.
Sorry to hear the outcome of you contacting your brother, but now you know, and I am certain you can scratch him right off the list. Not to mention, his relationship with his daughter is his business. Often there are underlying reasons why people are estranged. If he is actively drinking again, he cannot be of any real support to his daughter.
My mother had dementia, I know what a demanding role you are living at this time. Remember to take care of yourself too.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 63
Thanks Marie. I have been working out at the gym with a personal trainer. She has been wonderful and she knows that "workout time" is my time to take care of myself. I also own a business so that is stressful too. But I am working hard to take care of myself and that is why I am training to run a 5k and my niece is going to join me! We are both very excited about it.
And you are right about my brother's and his daughter's relationship is none of anyone's business but theirs. However just before I texted him about sending a card to his daughter he had sent me a text about how awful his ex-wife is and how sad it is for his daughter. It really pissed me off because I know the entire situation and have stayed out of it but the mother is trying hard to help my niece and my brother has done nothing. That's when I suggested he send a card to his daughter. But of course he couldn't do that could he? He had to send some crazy text to his daughter in the hospital!!
And about 13 years ago, I finally had to stop taking my sister's drunken phone calls. I sparingly over the years have talked to her on the phone but I make sure she is sober or the phone call ends. This morning, when I got the call from her, I felt like I had fallen back into the 1990s!!!
So I should block their text and their instant messages? Just cut them out of my life?
And you are right about my brother's and his daughter's relationship is none of anyone's business but theirs. However just before I texted him about sending a card to his daughter he had sent me a text about how awful his ex-wife is and how sad it is for his daughter. It really pissed me off because I know the entire situation and have stayed out of it but the mother is trying hard to help my niece and my brother has done nothing. That's when I suggested he send a card to his daughter. But of course he couldn't do that could he? He had to send some crazy text to his daughter in the hospital!!
And about 13 years ago, I finally had to stop taking my sister's drunken phone calls. I sparingly over the years have talked to her on the phone but I make sure she is sober or the phone call ends. This morning, when I got the call from her, I felt like I had fallen back into the 1990s!!!
So I should block their text and their instant messages? Just cut them out of my life?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Only you can decide what is best for you.
I can assure you that they will continue to manipulate,
and cause additional chaos for as long as you allow them too.
We all have our limits, sounds like you are arriving at yours.
For me personally, I had to go no contact, as the active alkie was sucking the life right out of me.
I can assure you that they will continue to manipulate,
and cause additional chaos for as long as you allow them too.
We all have our limits, sounds like you are arriving at yours.
For me personally, I had to go no contact, as the active alkie was sucking the life right out of me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Living with love.
Posts: 45
Hi NancyEllen, I estranged from a gambling addict mother and an addict sister a few years ago, and I am lucky that my father lives OS. I believe that my parents were always sick- even before they found their addictions. They had truly awful coping skills for life! and my sister and I were victims of their own special type of crazy. During childhood I prayed and used my imagination to cope, during my teens I found that drugs and alcohol blocked out the unsettling feelings I had inside me, during my twenties I still believed that 'íf only' - if only I loved them more, if only I didn't rock the boat, if only I did exactly what they asked.,
In my early thirties I decided to estrange from my mother and sister. It was difficult, but not as difficult as 3 decades of co- dependence and feeling like I was being pulled in 5 different directions from unrealistic expectations and people who were unable to show love- healthy or otherwise. In fact, probably the most difficult thing for me was to challenge and question the only thing I had known- the illusion of what a family is. And start finding a new definition of what Me is. Not daughter, not sister, not caretaker, not enabler, not victim- just me.
I have been doing a lot of work since I got out of jail ( some co dependant relationships are like that I reckon, even though I was never in jail) and am really really pleased with myself these days. I no longer have to equate hurt with reward, feeling as weakness or love as manipulation. I never need worry that I will lose my self and be defined by others' opinions or feelings. If I was to sit in a bare room with just my thoughts I would be able to do it in the absence of the feeling that my family are a constant shadow. Unlearning a lot of my thinking and learning how to feel again is a big deal in that it's so freeing!
Will I see them in the future? Probably. (Wills/ funerals) Do they get to spiritually suffocate me? No . Do I worry about them? Of course! Though, I remind myself that my worrying for 30 years certainly didn't help them OR me one iota so my contribution is a heartfelt prayer that they are ok and that's it.
If I had stuck around I know that the underlying issues would still be there and only the nature of the dramas would have changed.
From someone who's been there, l can tell you that family is not defined by biology and I hope you get peace of mind.
Love.
In my early thirties I decided to estrange from my mother and sister. It was difficult, but not as difficult as 3 decades of co- dependence and feeling like I was being pulled in 5 different directions from unrealistic expectations and people who were unable to show love- healthy or otherwise. In fact, probably the most difficult thing for me was to challenge and question the only thing I had known- the illusion of what a family is. And start finding a new definition of what Me is. Not daughter, not sister, not caretaker, not enabler, not victim- just me.
I have been doing a lot of work since I got out of jail ( some co dependant relationships are like that I reckon, even though I was never in jail) and am really really pleased with myself these days. I no longer have to equate hurt with reward, feeling as weakness or love as manipulation. I never need worry that I will lose my self and be defined by others' opinions or feelings. If I was to sit in a bare room with just my thoughts I would be able to do it in the absence of the feeling that my family are a constant shadow. Unlearning a lot of my thinking and learning how to feel again is a big deal in that it's so freeing!
Will I see them in the future? Probably. (Wills/ funerals) Do they get to spiritually suffocate me? No . Do I worry about them? Of course! Though, I remind myself that my worrying for 30 years certainly didn't help them OR me one iota so my contribution is a heartfelt prayer that they are ok and that's it.
If I had stuck around I know that the underlying issues would still be there and only the nature of the dramas would have changed.
From someone who's been there, l can tell you that family is not defined by biology and I hope you get peace of mind.
Love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by LovePrayLive 
Though, I remind myself that my worrying for 30 years certainly didn't help them OR me one iota so my contribution is a heartfelt prayer that they are ok and that's it.
If I had stuck around I know that the underlying issues would still be there and only the nature of the dramas would have changed.
From someone who's been there, l can tell you that family is not defined by biology and I hope you get peace of mind.
Love.
If I had stuck around I know that the underlying issues would still be there and only the nature of the dramas would have changed.
From someone who's been there, l can tell you that family is not defined by biology and I hope you get peace of mind.
Love.
Nancy
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My mother is the main alchie in my life, she has been drinking non stop for 65+ years. I am presently no contact...yet again...this is the third time in my adult life, once for 10 years another time for 4 years. The most peaceful productive years of my adult life.
How long will this last? Who knows, all I know is that she is toxic to my well being and that I have to get away from her, for my sanity.
Do what is in your best interest...a rubber band can only stretch so far... before it breaks.
How long will this last? Who knows, all I know is that she is toxic to my well being and that I have to get away from her, for my sanity.
Do what is in your best interest...a rubber band can only stretch so far... before it breaks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 63
Of course, I got the BS email from my sister this morning about how she and her bf made up and how wonderful he is and how he is depressed about his elderly father in the nursing home. Blah blah blah blah!! Been there, done that, got the T shirt!!
Through email, I told her she has to do what she has to do but until they both get sober, it's not going to get better. I also told her to never call me again when she has had a drink. I said, if you have had one glass of wine, remember in the back of your head, you are NOT to call me. At least give me that respect.
Dolly, I am sorry about your Mom. Mine was an alcoholic too but she stopped drinking in her 70s.
And you are so right about the rubber band!! I have to watch that it doesn't snap!!
Through email, I told her she has to do what she has to do but until they both get sober, it's not going to get better. I also told her to never call me again when she has had a drink. I said, if you have had one glass of wine, remember in the back of your head, you are NOT to call me. At least give me that respect.
Dolly, I am sorry about your Mom. Mine was an alcoholic too but she stopped drinking in her 70s.
And you are so right about the rubber band!! I have to watch that it doesn't snap!! Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
How to get someone to leave you alone? Stop responding. Go "radio silent" as I like to call it. After a while, people get the message. It seems harsh, but after words fail and boundaries are repeatedly ignored, its time for the heavy tactical maneuvers.
Remember the three C's and the Serenity Prayer, too. That always helps me when I am dealing with irrational people!
~T
Remember the three C's and the Serenity Prayer, too. That always helps me when I am dealing with irrational people!
~T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I have no contact with my alcoholic (recovering, supposedly) brother. I have not had contact with him for 5 years. He is a toxic person. It's a big relief to know he will not call, and I don't miss him one little bit. How could I? He took and never, ever gave anything to anyone. Even my parents have gone NC with him. Try it!
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