MTSlideAddict

I wish I were writing something different, but I can't. My RAH is no longer recovering and hasn't been for a few months now. I felt my Codie self giving in and continuing on with the ride. I warned him that I cant go through this anymore. Last night, he was drunk and posting all sorts of stuff on Facebook about how a marriage is through thick and thin, and how Love is Insanity by definition. As I was reading his drunken posts spilling all of our problems over the web, I was thinking how dare he. How can he say that I didn't love him enough. I was thinking of going into his account and deleting all the garbage, but I stopped myself because that's Codie. Instead I waited until he passed out, and I packed my stuff, took the dog, and went to a motel. Now I'm at my parents. My support system knows the truth. His soon will too especially if they have him on Facebook. Lol! I just think that is hilarious. I have been moving money into my account for a little while now, but last night I took half of our joint savings and checking and moved them to my account. I changed my passwords on everything, and now I am trying to locate an apartment. Any advice for this difficult time?

supersoap

You've done the hardest part which was moving out, next is the grieving process. Go treat yourself to some good old fashioned fun. Pamper yourself and spend lots of time on you. I read a lot during my breakup and spent extra time with friends getting out and being social. The golden rule which I am still learning is that you have to keep your boundaries. Big hugs for your emotional struggle, I hope peace and happiness and no drama go your way.

MyBetterWorld

WOW. good for you! Way to not give in and get back on the crazy train!
Just keep doing what you are doing, find a little apartment that's all yours and ENJOY YOUR LIFE!

ODAT63

good for you, peace and serenity be with you.

EnglishGarden

Sometimes we relax our guard with the alcoholic and give him our new address or even let him come by for a cup of coffee to talk.

I think it's much safer for us when we don't do that, as we need to count on having a sanctuary he cannot at any time invade. If you need to meet with him, Starbucks is a better choice.

I'm glad you left. I hope you find a place where you can feel at peace.

marie1960

"I am trying to locate an apartment. Any advice for this difficult time? "

Find a place you can truly call home.
Wishing you all good things in your new journey.
__________________

lillamy

Trust the journey.
That is my advice.
When I was where you were, and did the thing that Codie's have such a hard time doing - asked for help - people came out of the woodwork to help. I found a landlord who sees his building as an outreach ministry for his faith - I told him my story and he signed a lease on the spot. Friends cleaned out their garages and sheds to furnish my house. My gang of girlfriends sent me a gift card so I could stock up my pantry. I've never felt so secure and taken care of.

Ask for help. Trust your gut. Stay nc.

MTSlideAddict

I definitely think no contact would be the best bet. I'm over my parents for the moment and he continues to call my phone and theirs. I need to find a place soon that he wont know about so he can leave them alone. He left some stupid long voicemail on my parents phone saying that I dog napped and his attorney adviced him that he can file on that one but he has to give me 24 hour notice and he went on saying that the voicemail is the notice. Blah blah blah, quack quack. This is ridiculous.

I'm going to check into a landlord such as the one you described lillamy. That would really help. I kind of feel that I want to move to another state. It has always been a dream of mine. I know he would never relocate.

suki44883

Dog napped?? LOLOLOL!!! If you were living together, the dog is as much yours as his. You have every right to take the dog with you if you leave. He's blowing smoke.

Can your parents block his number? Can you? The best thing to do is not respond at all to his frantic phone calls. Leave him hanging on a nail and take care of yourself.

MTSlideAddict

Yeah get this- I just had a call from the police department. He called them regarding the "dog napping." The officer said that my husband sounded intoxicated when I told him that he is an alcoholic and had been drinking on a binge for the last three days. I wonder if they'll give him a surprise visit, because of his past suicidal tendencies? He said that he was going to advise my husband to seek an attorney to pursue the dog, but she is community property. Advise I'm pretty confident my husband will not remember.

I don't know if you can block numbers from a landline. I guess you should be able to. My phone I can. It's on silent right now, so I won't know if he's calling.

Anappleaday

Totally agree with EnglishGarden, it is best not to let him know where you live or even leave open a possibilty that he would come across your new address. Be very careful of mutual friends that you share you new address or even apartment name with.

It's much easier to hang up the phone on pleading, begging and even threats and know that your new place of peace will remain just that. You can silence your phone or turn it off and have a peaceful day and/or night.

Go get a post office box that is close to work or somewhere will it will be convenient to pick up your mail. When I did this there was a waiting list and they called people on the list after the 10th when final notice was up for the current box holders.

If you put in a forwarding address, the post office mails a forwarding confirmation to the old address (not sure but it might show the forwarding address). But with a PO box all that it would show is your mail is being forwarded to a PO Box. Then you can update your addresses at the mail begins to arrive in your new box and if there is something you have forgotten about it won't end up in his hands. A forwarding address only last for six months so you may have to renew it down the road.

Also when you get a new apartment, utilites, cable etc., your credit file gets updated with the new address and attorney's sometimes exchange documents that have your address and attorney's give copies of documents to their clients.

Go into your security settings and block him on facebook and if you have the locate family ap on your phone - change it.

If you are on the same medical plan, contact your insurance, you will have to write them a letter but you can request that all of your explanation of benefits be mailed to your PO Box.

Make a list of all accounts that are in both your names and get your name off those accounts as soon as possible. In my state you can not just request your name be removed from a bank account but you can ask that the account be closed forcing him to open a new account in his own name.

When I split up with my 1st husband (not an alchohol problem) I failed to take my name off the utilities. We didn't file for a divorce for two years but in the meantime he lost his job and got behind on the utilities, because I never took my name off the bill and we were still legally married, when he got behind, they came after me for the bill.

Hope these ideas help. Good luck to you.

suki44883

I must apologize because I really don't mean to make fun of your situation. I know how how scary it can be while you are in it. I have the luxury of looking back 20 years, so I might tend to sound a bit dismissive. I learned that the courts don't really care about the details, they have to dispense a whole lot of cases in a short period of time. They don't really have time to get into the minutiae of every case.

My advice is to get an attorney and let him/her deal with all the details. Once you hire an attorney, just refuse to talk to your husband and consistently refer him to your attorney. After all, that's what you pay an attorney for.

oneday66

You SAVED that dog... I wished I had done that.. my AH also told me that if I took the dog he would call the cops on me... so I left the dog there... AH then 'loses' the dog (out partying and left the dog at somebody's apartment, dog got out).. this added to a mountain of heartache

Believe it or not... something that helped me get my mind off of things was getting the apartment itself... I really wanted a safe home and something that was MINE.. so I spent a lot of time picking out the apt.. furniture, painting it, and just making it a safe, peaceful place for me... It's so pretty now.. I had a judgement lapse and let him come over one day and couldn't stop thinking how he was ruining the place with his bad energy.. he almost seemed like a big pile of manure in this feminine space...he didn't belong there or in my new life.. I just wanted him to leave...

Carol Star

He isn't responsible enough to take care of the dog. When I was going through this stuff with my XAH my therapist said just consider the phone rants as "just a voice." I prayed to be willing to go totally" no contact" and my serenity got alot better. You sound real good. He is just trying to manipulate you. To thine own self be true.

Seren

((MT)) I'm glad that you and your dog are safely out of there. I see no reason not to move to another state if that is what you have wanted to do for a while. Stay safe and let us know how things are going with the move when you can.

If he follows the script that I have read here so many times, next will be the pleading for you to return and the renewed promises of change.

Fandy

If your landline phone is connected through the cable company, it's easy to block certain numbers, you can do it on line.

dollydo

Oh boy, what a ding dong...I am glad that you took the dog, he is not capable of taking care of himself, let alone a pet.

Keep us posted on your apartment hunt, know that you are doing the right thing.

MTSlideAddict

I did get the dog out of there, but we also have two cats. I can't take them right now. I'm going to talk to the attorney to see what he recommends for them since they both were aquired pre-marriatal. Right now I have to hope that HP will take care of them.

I reserved a PO Box today. I just have to go to the post office on Monday to finalize everything on that. I changed the address and ordered checks and a debit card for my account. I also paid all the bills for the month of May, so that will buy me some time to separate the utilities. He was due to have a home closing this coming Monday. My parents said that I can stay there as long as I need, but I really would like to get settled in a place of my own. I think then I can begin to heal. Besides that, AH knows where my parents live, thus knows where to find me. I dont't want him to have that ability. I think I will continue looking for an apartment here and hopefully save up to move in the next coming years.

Spes

Since you intend to talk to an attorney and you are feeling the need to keep your address and phone number from him, you may want to ask your attorney about a protection order from the court. If you feel that your safety is jeopardized and this whole thing will blow up and you believe your AH will act irrationally during a drunken binge, this may be something you want to talk to your attorney about.

I say this because my daughter went through something very similar to you. It did blow up and thankfully she got a protection order and he is now in jail for felony stalking.

I wish you and your pets well.

wanttobehealthy

You're inspirational! Great job leaving and sticking to it. Do not talk to him bc he'll just try to suck you in. I can't imagine what an idiot the cops thought he was, calling to complain about a "dog napping". Dear lord!