I am so ashamed.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
inpieces314
Horrible place to be. BOTH of you have ISSUES.. No one is without blame.
Now what? I would call a woman's shelter and ask for help. Get more information. Just ASK. That is possible. ASK a good friend to help you do that or go there. Keep doing what you are doing and you will keep getting what you are getting. Sounds like death isn't far. Do you really want your kids to repeat everything they are seeing? That is how that works. Up to you to TRUST you 'love' feelings or whatever might be 'off' and you need some away time to get a better view.
Up to you. Do or you don't.
I personally get tired of hearing people who say poor me and not take action. Really either you do or don't. Feeling sorry for one who decides NOT to get out of a situation is purely on the person who stays.
Sorry for the honest brutal post. It is with love.
All those people around MJ when he died were YES men. The ones who gave him a hard time about drugs were pushed away. Why is that.. Maybe we just don't like to give up the addiction to drugs, alcohol or others...
AG
Horrible place to be. BOTH of you have ISSUES.. No one is without blame.
Now what? I would call a woman's shelter and ask for help. Get more information. Just ASK. That is possible. ASK a good friend to help you do that or go there. Keep doing what you are doing and you will keep getting what you are getting. Sounds like death isn't far. Do you really want your kids to repeat everything they are seeing? That is how that works. Up to you to TRUST you 'love' feelings or whatever might be 'off' and you need some away time to get a better view.
Up to you. Do or you don't.
I personally get tired of hearing people who say poor me and not take action. Really either you do or don't. Feeling sorry for one who decides NOT to get out of a situation is purely on the person who stays.
Sorry for the honest brutal post. It is with love.
All those people around MJ when he died were YES men. The ones who gave him a hard time about drugs were pushed away. Why is that.. Maybe we just don't like to give up the addiction to drugs, alcohol or others...
AG
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
You both need some serious help. Your children definitely need someone to put them first and get them out of that nightmare. They were not asleep. They may have started out sleeping, but there is no way they could sleep through the yelling, screaming and physical violence that was going on.
Take a trip over to the ACOA forum and read about how all of this garbage affects the children. It isn't pretty. Both you and your boyfriend have choices of whether or not to put up with all the drama, but your children have NO choice! Someone needs to stand up for those kids!
Take a trip over to the ACOA forum and read about how all of this garbage affects the children. It isn't pretty. Both you and your boyfriend have choices of whether or not to put up with all the drama, but your children have NO choice! Someone needs to stand up for those kids!
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
My brother just installed two slider locks on the door. When he finally shows up to get his stuff, I will call someone in the apartment building to be here with me so I will not be alone with him. He will get his stuff and go.
The slider locks were because the 5 year old lets him in, even if I have the doors locked. That is how he got in many times previously, if I was in the shower or whatever, the 5 year old would let him in. Not anymore.
I will not put his stuff outside, his stuff is safe here. I will not be like all the addicts in his life. He can get his clothes and whatever, and go. Simple. After that, I do not know, but I need...probably at least a month to cool off and heal. I will not see or speak to him at all. If his life falls apart between now and then, which it will, I will not help him. I will not allow him to see the kids. AFTER that, we can discuss going to therapy together AND him going alone, since I already have a therapist. And we can also discuss him watching the kids while I go to a couple of Al-Anon meetings.
That is all I have. But it is something. My brother wants me to just cut him out of my life. I did that with the last ex. But in the end, it was worse for me. I am not done with him yet, but I am stepping up my game. And I am serious.
The slider locks were because the 5 year old lets him in, even if I have the doors locked. That is how he got in many times previously, if I was in the shower or whatever, the 5 year old would let him in. Not anymore.
I will not put his stuff outside, his stuff is safe here. I will not be like all the addicts in his life. He can get his clothes and whatever, and go. Simple. After that, I do not know, but I need...probably at least a month to cool off and heal. I will not see or speak to him at all. If his life falls apart between now and then, which it will, I will not help him. I will not allow him to see the kids. AFTER that, we can discuss going to therapy together AND him going alone, since I already have a therapist. And we can also discuss him watching the kids while I go to a couple of Al-Anon meetings.
That is all I have. But it is something. My brother wants me to just cut him out of my life. I did that with the last ex. But in the end, it was worse for me. I am not done with him yet, but I am stepping up my game. And I am serious.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Originally Posted by suki44883 
You both need some serious help. Your children definitely need someone to put them first and get them out of that nightmare. They were not asleep. They may have started out sleeping, but there is no way they could sleep through the yelling, screaming and physical violence that was going on.
Take a trip over to the ACOA forum and read about how all of this garbage affects the children. It isn't pretty. Both you and your boyfriend have choices of whether or not to put up with all the drama, but your children have NO choice! Someone needs to stand up for those kids!
Take a trip over to the ACOA forum and read about how all of this garbage affects the children. It isn't pretty. Both you and your boyfriend have choices of whether or not to put up with all the drama, but your children have NO choice! Someone needs to stand up for those kids!
By the way, I am an ACOA, I know all about it.
If you have such a problem with me as a parent, call CPS and take them away from me. I am so tired of people telling me what a bad parent I am! I hear it from his alcoholic deadbeat nonsupportive wannabe babydaddy self all the time!
EDIT: Also, if I wasn't looking out for my kids, I would have the 5 year old's father in his life. Don't get it twisted, I am the SOLE provider for my children, financially, physically, emotionally. AND, if it wasn't for the attachment my 5 year old has for him, he would have been out the door long ago. Because he has no right to see him, EVER, unless I say so. He is not his legal father. I have been raising my kids ON MY OWN since they were both born, no help from EITHER father. Trust me, my kids have a lot of stigma to deal with anyway, I am not trying to add any stress to their lives.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Not acting is just as bad as acting in many ways. YES the kids are being HURT. I have 2 and been there. They are smarter than you think.
Accept it for what is was and ACT and make it right.
We all make mistakes! It's the same ones over and over that have you in the position you are in.
Keep an OPEN gate as we learn and truly grasp a better picture when we do.
AG
Accept it for what is was and ACT and make it right.
We all make mistakes! It's the same ones over and over that have you in the position you are in.
Keep an OPEN gate as we learn and truly grasp a better picture when we do.
AG
Originally Posted by inpieces314
How do you know where my kids were or what they were doing? I do EVERYTHING for them, I LIVE for them, and you think I don't think about them when something like this happens?!
By the way, I am an ACOA, I know all about it.
If you have such a problem with me as a parent, call CPS and take them away from me. I am so tired of people telling me what a bad parent I am! I hear it from his alcoholic deadbeat nonsupportive wannabe babydaddy self all the time!
By the way, I am an ACOA, I know all about it.
If you have such a problem with me as a parent, call CPS and take them away from me. I am so tired of people telling me what a bad parent I am! I hear it from his alcoholic deadbeat nonsupportive wannabe babydaddy self all the time!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Effexor and Alcohol Combined
People who choose to drink alcohol while taking Effexor may feel on onslaught of depression or anxiety. This is because alcohol essentially counteracts Effexor's ability to stifle the depression or anxiety that caused the person to take Effexor in the first place......
perhaps the biggest concern of drinking alcohol while taking Effexor is the fact that it may trigger suicidal thoughts or actions, particularly in teenagers, according to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
You posted this two days ago:
It's time to take care of yourself.
People who choose to drink alcohol while taking Effexor may feel on onslaught of depression or anxiety. This is because alcohol essentially counteracts Effexor's ability to stifle the depression or anxiety that caused the person to take Effexor in the first place......
perhaps the biggest concern of drinking alcohol while taking Effexor is the fact that it may trigger suicidal thoughts or actions, particularly in teenagers, according to the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
You posted this two days ago:
Originally Posted by inpieces314
Antidepressants are also not needed forever, you may find that you just need them for the little serotonin boost for a couple of months or so. I am on Effexor right now, I absolutely love it, I have been on everything else, and this is the only thing that works for me without making me feel like a zombie.
I am not going to lie to you though, I do get withdrawal symptoms if I go a couple of days without it. So...I make sure I take it every day. Because without it, every single little thing goes wrong in my life and it becomes unbearable.
I also recommend therapy. No one else can make you feel the way you feel. It is a very hard lesson to learn, but you are in control of your emotions. A therapist would be able to teach you this, so you can see that even though all these things are happening to you, you are able to live life and enjoy it.
Oh, and you aren't damaged goods, you do deserve better.
I am not going to lie to you though, I do get withdrawal symptoms if I go a couple of days without it. So...I make sure I take it every day. Because without it, every single little thing goes wrong in my life and it becomes unbearable.
I also recommend therapy. No one else can make you feel the way you feel. It is a very hard lesson to learn, but you are in control of your emotions. A therapist would be able to teach you this, so you can see that even though all these things are happening to you, you are able to live life and enjoy it.
Oh, and you aren't damaged goods, you do deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
This is one of the most alarming posts I've seen here and I truly pray that there is a resolution in the near future.
Of the many worrisome remarks, the one that jumped out at me was: "The kids were sleeping."
I can almost GUARANTEE this was not the case.
I can't even begin to list how many nights I heard my parents screaming as a little girl. My toddler brother and I would either lay paralyzed with fear in our beds...then pretend to sleep when one parent would come up to check on us...OR...we would crawl to the edge of the staircase to listen. If someone downstairs came near...we'd rush back to our beds and pretend to sleep.
The next morning, we both agreed to act like nothing happened. And this went on for 20 years.
During these rocky times, I hope you can give both yourself AND your children a break from the chaos. Some of the BEST times were packing our little suitcases to spend some time at grandmas. We got away from the yelling and got to be carefree kids.
Please don't assume that they are asleep or don't notice.
Please do whatever you can to give them that break...to be carefree kids during this time.
You have said that you have given the "EVERYTHING"...but truthfully, NOTHING matters if you don't feel safe. Having been in their shoes...that's probably all they really want right now.
Of the many worrisome remarks, the one that jumped out at me was: "The kids were sleeping."
I can almost GUARANTEE this was not the case.
I can't even begin to list how many nights I heard my parents screaming as a little girl. My toddler brother and I would either lay paralyzed with fear in our beds...then pretend to sleep when one parent would come up to check on us...OR...we would crawl to the edge of the staircase to listen. If someone downstairs came near...we'd rush back to our beds and pretend to sleep.
The next morning, we both agreed to act like nothing happened. And this went on for 20 years.
During these rocky times, I hope you can give both yourself AND your children a break from the chaos. Some of the BEST times were packing our little suitcases to spend some time at grandmas. We got away from the yelling and got to be carefree kids.
Please don't assume that they are asleep or don't notice.
Please do whatever you can to give them that break...to be carefree kids during this time.
You have said that you have given the "EVERYTHING"...but truthfully, NOTHING matters if you don't feel safe. Having been in their shoes...that's probably all they really want right now.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: South Seas
Posts: 55
Just get the peice of mind and rest YOU need right now to gain strength.
Get the professional support sweetie to give you the space and time needed.
You need to do something positive for YOU girl.
Stay connected with us k? ...if that helps
Get the professional support sweetie to give you the space and time needed.
You need to do something positive for YOU girl.
Stay connected with us k? ...if that helps
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: South Seas
Posts: 55
I know this post is in the Family & Friends of Alcoholics, but let's look at this from HER perspective vs the children or anyone else-- especially given the situation at the moment.
Guilt tripping or shaming people further as a motivator doesn't help. IMHO its not great timing to say these things. And, this is totally MY response reading this! Do I have any amens on this?
I thought I'd share because I know people often think its helpful for people to bring out to alkies how their behaviour impacts everyone and that will somehow motivate them to change. Perhaps at a different stage in their support, but never a 'guilt' approach. Change has to be internally driven and align with their own goals and values. Only they can decide it. And when people are in crisis/emotionally distraught its not great timing.
My thoughts only... but felt strong enough about it to share.
Guilt tripping or shaming people further as a motivator doesn't help. IMHO its not great timing to say these things. And, this is totally MY response reading this! Do I have any amens on this?
I thought I'd share because I know people often think its helpful for people to bring out to alkies how their behaviour impacts everyone and that will somehow motivate them to change. Perhaps at a different stage in their support, but never a 'guilt' approach. Change has to be internally driven and align with their own goals and values. Only they can decide it. And when people are in crisis/emotionally distraught its not great timing.
My thoughts only... but felt strong enough about it to share.
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
Wow...I could be reading all this wrong...but, I hear anger...almost hate- like anger. I hear loads of control...and needing to control...others. I hear you wanting to be appreciated for doing what became your new role when you gave birth to all your children...regardless of who the fathers are. And, I hear your parents being expected to fill in the parental blanks for your children. Wow....good luck...mags
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Anything you put in front of recovery you will lose in the end. Treatment is where you go to find out AA/ Alanon are FREE. Some have childcare. After a divorce from an alkie/addict I realized I was a codependent. He was my drug. I had to get sober from him- along with substances also. I have a daily reprieve from all addictions because I surrendered to win. I go to meetings. I follow directions. I talk to people. I listened the first year. It is a simple program for complicated people. I carefully watch my playgrounds and playmates. I am teachable and PRAY to remain that way. Surrender to WIN. You and your kids deserve a good/serene life. Happy- joyous and free......I didn't make good decisions until my mind was clear of all substances and I had no contact with unhealthy people.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Dear Inpieces,
I am also an ACA. I grew up in a crazy environment, had my share of dysfunctional relationships, and am also a mother of two.
First I want to let you know that I do think you are an incredibly strong woman. You have to be strong to survive growing up with an alcoholic/addict. Although I don't know your exact circumstances, I do understand what it means to be a proud survivor.
I have also been in many situations were I was later ashamed at how I behaved.
When I was hitting my bottom, I had a professor recommend that I seek professional help. I told him that I was too busy to go to a therapist. He said that my response was like a drowning person saying that they were too busy drowning to hold onto a life preserver. I think step one is similar to admitting that you NEED a life preserver.
There have been so many times where I told my husband that I think my children would be better off without me. There have been times when I have felt so broken I didn't think anything was going to be able to "fix" me. However, the truth is that we are the best and only mothers that our children will ever have. We owe it to them and to ourselves to get help to be the healthiest people we can.
It is so hard raising children. When mine were young, I would often get support from other mothers. Support is out there, you just have to look in the right places.
I grew up in a crazy home and I continued to drag that craziness into my adult life.
Therapy, recovery, and time have gotten me to a place of peace.
EVERYONE deserves peace in their life.
Protect yourself and protect your children!
Sending strength, hope, and prayers to you this morning.
db
I am also an ACA. I grew up in a crazy environment, had my share of dysfunctional relationships, and am also a mother of two.
First I want to let you know that I do think you are an incredibly strong woman. You have to be strong to survive growing up with an alcoholic/addict. Although I don't know your exact circumstances, I do understand what it means to be a proud survivor.
I have also been in many situations were I was later ashamed at how I behaved.
When I was hitting my bottom, I had a professor recommend that I seek professional help. I told him that I was too busy to go to a therapist. He said that my response was like a drowning person saying that they were too busy drowning to hold onto a life preserver. I think step one is similar to admitting that you NEED a life preserver.
There have been so many times where I told my husband that I think my children would be better off without me. There have been times when I have felt so broken I didn't think anything was going to be able to "fix" me. However, the truth is that we are the best and only mothers that our children will ever have. We owe it to them and to ourselves to get help to be the healthiest people we can.
It is so hard raising children. When mine were young, I would often get support from other mothers. Support is out there, you just have to look in the right places.
I grew up in a crazy home and I continued to drag that craziness into my adult life.
Therapy, recovery, and time have gotten me to a place of peace.
EVERYONE deserves peace in their life.
Protect yourself and protect your children!
Sending strength, hope, and prayers to you this morning.
db
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
I hope that you get the help you need, for you and for your kids. You have a choice, you do not need to live like this anymore. You matter, your kids matter and if being with him makes you feel otherwise then he needs to go. You have given advice to many members of SR before, very wise advise I might add. You have told them their addicts would lie, manipulate, and tear them down...you told them they deserve better. If they deserve better why don't you? I know it's hard to see when you are in the middle of it, our crappy self esteem gets in the way sometimes so I try to look at it from a different perspective. If this weren't me, if this were a friend what would I think of her situation, what would I tell her to do? When my ABF told me that everything was my fault, that I was a cold bitch, and that the fact that I am so cold is why my last boyfriend left me I was hurt. Then I thought about what I would tell a friend if her boyfriend said that to her. I would tell her she could do better and to tell him to **** off. So that's what I said to him...and then I left a week later. lol. What would you tell a friend if her boyfriend left her bruised and in pain? YOU deserve better, your kids deserve better, I hope when you get a chance to clear your head you will see that. Oh and as for the 5 year old being attached to him...kids get attached, it happens. It's sad for them when people leave just like it is for us, but he will get through it. He will probably love life without him eventually because the fighting and tension will be gone, just like YOU will love life without him eventually. And at some point, when you are ready you can give him and yourself the chance to get attached to someone healthy. Hang in there and check back soon!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Hi InPieces,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't post a lot but I wanted to share something I recently learned about my daughter.
I NEVER thought my daughter heard my AH and I arguing (he could be very verbally abusive when drinking). I always thought she was sleeping soundly and figured if she heard us she would have said something to me (she's 9).
One time when my AH left for an extended period of time I sat down with her and had a very open conversation -- out of curiosity I asked her if she ever heard my AH and I argue ... her exact words, as I will never forget them were, "Yes ... sometimes I would lay in bed in my room and just cry when he would yell at you - I was too scared to come out". IT BROKE MY HEART to hear her say that and to realize that she heard things no child should have heard. And every time I thought she was asleep ...
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't post a lot but I wanted to share something I recently learned about my daughter.
I NEVER thought my daughter heard my AH and I arguing (he could be very verbally abusive when drinking). I always thought she was sleeping soundly and figured if she heard us she would have said something to me (she's 9).
One time when my AH left for an extended period of time I sat down with her and had a very open conversation -- out of curiosity I asked her if she ever heard my AH and I argue ... her exact words, as I will never forget them were, "Yes ... sometimes I would lay in bed in my room and just cry when he would yell at you - I was too scared to come out". IT BROKE MY HEART to hear her say that and to realize that she heard things no child should have heard. And every time I thought she was asleep ...
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