tryintosmile

This man has caused me terrible stress, called me horrible names, berated me, cheated on me w/other women, made out with one of my sisters and flirts with another. Every other word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. He's told his family things about me (although I have no idea what - but his daughter hinted to that when I revealed something to her about him - and she expressed surprise, saying 'so maybe everything dad has told us isn't true'). He's a smart cookie and already has a smear campaign lined up - probably so no one would ever believe the truth about him. He's pretty much put me through the ringer and turned my life upside down.

I don't feel anything toward him. Not love nor hate, just indifference. I don't want him to touch me, because I feel an aversion toward him. I hate lying and deception more than anything else and he is a master. He lies for the sake of lying. I hear him talking to his family on the phone. One minute he tells his mom that I'm out gardening and the next minute he asks me to answer a question his mom is asking him. So of course I'm not out gardening. He's getting sloppy or he simply doesn't care.

He has no intention of getting help for his severe alcoholism and if a heart attack wasn't his 'bottom' what would be? I know I'm a good little enabler, simply because I'm still here - after all of this. I've put up with almost everything possible and I guess it beat me into some kind of submission that I must have believed I deserved or felt made me stronger - either that or having constant 'companionship' with someone seems to be the most important thing to me and since I'm such damaged goods I will pay any price for it. I'm just trying to understand why I'm still here - going through the motions. He's not horrible all the time anymore (now that my family has moved out of the basement apartment). There's not nearly as much drama anymore and it's actually pretty peaceful for a change. He's just 'nothing', which is fine with me - but somehow I'm not sure that's how it should be either. He just goes off into his TV room and drinks himself into oblivion and I just do my own thing. We never go anywhere or do anything.

I'm on several medications - which are controlled substances and I know I'm addicted, having taken them for so long, but I take them for pain and sleep - due to a medical condition that I sometimes believe may have been caused by stress and now is exacerbated by the drugs, but I don't know anything for sure. All I know is that I don't feel strong enough to leave and deal with my own demons, along with being on disability and feel as though in some ways I'm no better than an alcoholic in that way and need my own support system - and for better or worse - he's all I feel I have.

The reason that I am even writing this is that I just don't feel much anymore - likely because I've shoved everything down and also because medication/drugs help to numb my feelings. But then I have these dreams where he's cheating on me and in them I'm so strong - and I say I'm leaving and have had enough - but then I wake up and I'm glad for what I have because I really have nowhere to go, so I feel that this is where I'll live out my days.

I feel as though I've made this bed and that I will ride out my time in it - and that my 'old life' is over and that this one is just an existence that I'll make the best of until I get some life threatening disease and die. I think I've chosen to be with the devil that I know - rather than the one I don't. I can be myself in this relationship and don't have to put on any airs, makeup - anything - because it doesn't matter. He's drunk half the time anyway and none of it really matters to me anymore. Not much inspires me, but I'm not doing so badly either - when I compare myself to many people suffering in this world.

I know it sounds terrible when I write it here - and it feels terrible when I wake up from those dreams crying - because I rarely cry anymore. I sometimes think we deserve one another, because we're both losers anyway - and mostly for myself - who would want me anyway and I don't want to live my life out alone. I just have absolutely no motivation anymore so I just try to find things I still care about to keep me going, but I'm not sure what kind of living this is. I feel as though I'm just watching other people live 'their' lives.

So I guess I just answered my own question. There's lots wrong with me and I simply don't have what it takes to try to get myself out of it. So just thanks for listening and if for nothing else - I hope this could help out someone new - who thinks things will change ...

marie1960

What a heartfelt post, tryintosmile.

I find myself at a loss for words.

May I ask, what would need to happen for you to be emancipated?

Katiekate

Well you pretty much beat the crap out of yourself there, made me really sad.

I wish you wouldn't do that, because I do it sometimes and it feels awful,

Do you see a counselor???? Would you, you know, you are worth just as much time and energy that you have put into a relationship that doesn't make you happy as you could put into your own individual happiness.

Growth is really painful, but maybe if you start seeing a counselor, you can begin to uncover what is really pushing you down into this depression.

What I do sometimes and turn all my anger in on myself and the result is never really pretty, and if I were you , I would be angry.

You are worth a lot, and your happiness is really important, to me anyway, he will just keep doing what he is doing, and he just wants you to do the same. Don't!

It's your time now, be good to yourself, you can learn how, I'm learning.

BigHug to you K

Spes

I don't know what to say. Please accept a hug from someone who believes you are a wonderful and honest person.

Hollyanne

Dear Tryintosmile,
You sound severely depressed.
Please go to your doctor and take this with you and read it to the doctor.
You do not have to make any changes now to your living arrangements.
Just get the ball rolling on some help for yourself.
I am saddened by your post, and believe with the right help, counselling etc, you can be happy again.
Do this for yourself please.
Depression is debilitating. That is why you feel so sad and hopeless.
Start small. One step at a time.
Anne

boldaslove

I don't have any advice other than to get out of the relationship, because I've been where you are and reading your words reminded me just how depressed I was. For me, getting out was the beginning of that depression lifting, and it wasn't easy, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I still struggle with depression from time to time, but it's not like it was when I felt so trapped and, like you said, just numb. For me, that was the sign that something had to change. I still remember driving around by myself, just to escape, and realizing how numb I was, how little I cared, and how I just felt as if my soul was dead. I'm not completely happy now, about a year and a half out, but at least I can feel again.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but please remember, it can get better. You are worth it. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. And also, I love your Dylan lyrics, music always reminds us we aren't alone.

Tuffgirl

Hugs, tryintosmile.

You are much stronger than you think right now.

tryintosmile

Geez - thanks everyone! I didn't realize how severely depressed I am. I expected anyone reading this to just agree that I have become a lost cause. The only way I stay positive is to count my blessings and realize that some people have it way worse than I do and would give anything to have what I do - as bad as it may sound, but why should I have to live this way when there are other and better options?

It's not like I'm imprisoned and someone has thrown away the key. I'm going to go for counseling at the center that he's supposed to make an appointment for - but won't. They offer counseling for the addict's family, so why not?

Even though I don't want to go on any more drugs, I'm going to try to find a half decent antidepressant (although I'm a little afraid of them). Any suggestions on what may be a good one? I'm already preparing for the end of my life and I'm only 55. I mean - I may have a few years left!

Thanks again - I didn't even know how much I needed this support right now

boldaslove

I went on Lexapro my senior year of college when I went from getting straight As without studying to being unable to write a paper or get out of bed for class. It definitely helped, although the support of my advisor and my professors was also invaluable. Unfortunately, antidepressants can have very different effects on different people, there are so many variables. Don't be afraid, sometimes they provide the extra boost you need (at least they did for me). I would also recommend giving about 6 weeks for them to kick in, sometimes longer. Don't forget the importance of exercise, good food, and quality sleep (all of which are easier said than done, of course). You are worth it, and deserve better.

gerryP

Why are you waiting for him to make that appointment? Can you do it?

112408forever

Wow, I am so sorry for everything you are going through. As impossible as it may seem right now, things can get so much better. I am going through something similar and am still with my ABF. he is going to rehab soon, so I will have 45 days alone. I havent been apart from him for more than a few days in 3 years. At first I was so sad because like you, I need that companionship from him (I have lost many good friends throughout our relationship). But I have really tried to be strong and think of this as a good thing not only for him, but for me aswell. As the days go on I am becoming almost excited to concentrate 100% on myself. I have spent so long trying to be a good gf (wife material), and help him through his struggles, that I havent put myself first for years. What has helped me a lot, and might sound cheesy (I know i would have thought that if someone told me this a year ago) is eating healthy and working out. Trust me, I know when your depressed usually the last thing you want to do is be active or eat a salad. I have never worked out regularly or watched what i ate. But About a month ago I started cutting out carbs and eating really healthy and going to the gym or for walks or swimming as much as i can. I'll admit I still have those days where I'm like ughh i just want to sit on the couch and eat (like today- still trying to convince myself to go workout lol) But I find that the darkest days where you feel the least like doing something is often when excercise feels the best after. So my advice would be try to get excercise, it really lifts your spirits, and try to eat right- it will make you feel so good about yourself. Also as others have suggested, get into some councelling or al-anon, which I need to do too. sorry i dont have anymore advice, I am new to dealing with this disease and am going through it too. I hope you know there are people just like me who have felt the exact same way. i wish you all the best in future happiness.

wicked

Write down your fears of taking an antidepressant and take it to your doctor. Maybe you should consider seeing a psychiatrist instead of a GP? Your GP can give you a referral, and they do not have the latest knowledge on the AD's out there like a psych doctor would.
Yes, you sound extremely depressed, like all you deserve is this life. You deserve everything this life has to offer you, and you are only 55!
I cannot recommend anything, because we are all so different.
What I can tell you is when I started to feel better, it was like the sun came out for the first time in my life. I was able to go to meetings and contribute. I got great feedback on that, how helpful, compassionate and understanding I was.
I was able to take a good look at the disaster that was my marriage and begin the work to end it. I had strength and a feeling of self-sufficiency that became a self fulfilling prophecy.
I began to enjoy my children, what a pleasure that was!
If anyone offers therapy, yeah, go for it.
You have so much to offer and so many gifts to receive, go out there and do it.
One small step at a time.
Get thee to a doctor, and start your life!

:ghug3

Beth

tryintosmile

Thanks - did you stay on this long or just temporarily? I'd like to think that I could use something to get out of this depression but not indefinitely and to be able to come off without any major withdrawal.

@Forever - I eat amazingly well. I eat almost all organic and no processed food. The problem is that because of the pain, it is impossible to exercise. I've tried everything. A walk around the block can cause me to be in bed for several days in pain. I WISH I could do it! I know it would help so much. I used to be very athletic.

@ Gerry - Thanks - yes - I'm going to call and make that appointment

@ Thanks wicked - I will check this out. I sure would love to see that sun shine again!

Tuffgirl

I take mild anti depressants...they are non-habit forming according to the manufacturer. And its that little boost that my otherwise overstressed out system was unable to provide.

The hardest thing was making the appointment. But once I did I was sure glad I did and now, a year later, am feeling as normal as I can! ; )

inpieces314

Antidepressants are also not needed forever, you may find that you just need them for the little serotonin boost for a couple of months or so. I am on Effexor right now, I absolutely love it, I have been on everything else, and this is the only thing that works for me without making me feel like a zombie.

I am not going to lie to you though, I do get withdrawal symptoms if I go a couple of days without it. So...I make sure I take it every day. Because without it, every single little thing goes wrong in my life and it becomes unbearable.

I also recommend therapy. No one else can make you feel the way you feel. It is a very hard lesson to learn, but you are in control of your emotions. A therapist would be able to teach you this, so you can see that even though all these things are happening to you, you are able to live life and enjoy it.

Oh, and you aren't damaged goods, you do deserve better.

fedup3

tryintosmile, I've been where you are at right now and though you may feel like there is no hope I just want you to know there is HOPE. Boy, I wish I could give you a hug right now. My relationship with my XAH at one time made me so physically ill from all the stress it came to a point where it was going to be him or me that died first and that saying "let go, or be dragged" kept going off in my head and I determined it wasn't going to be me. I've been seeing a therapist for awhile now which was the best thing I could have done for myself. I was married to him for 39 yrs. and it took everything in me to muster up the strength to divorce him. It's going on year since then and I can tell you there is hope for you as well. Looking outside your window may look black, but there really is a sun shining out there. Reach out to those who know you, open up to where you're at, reach out for help. Praying for you and we're here for you.

boldaslove

I was on Lexapro just for the rest of the school year, and then weaned off of it. I also recommend therapy, I went recently until my insurance ran out (about a year), and it helped give me the tools I needed and helped me recognize that the situation I was in was crazy, not me.