keepingmyjoy1

We had that big conversation last week discussing separation, then the good boy routine, so I planned on asking on Sunday (only day we would have quiet time) what date we should separate. I got home from church with our son and he was not home. When he got home, I could tell that he had been drinking...tells me he stopped to see 3 of his old girlfriends, but they weren't home and so he just drove around for a while thinking. (Great, drinking and driving. Ugh.) Not the best time to discuss anything. So, he tells me all the stuff that is wrong with me and what he is pissed at me for. I just can't believe some of the stuff he said. He says he is last on the totem pole...what?????? Sheesh....like a two year old, he makes sure that he tries to get more attention than anybody else....I reminded him that his son is a child and his needs and taking care of him are a priority and that I will not neglect our son because he feels that HE (AH) needs more attention than any parent I know! I reminded him that he is an adult and we adapt to the needs of our children--NOT the other way around. I was trying up until this point not to go into too much since he had been drinking, but I just could not stop myself when he brought this one up!

I then tell him we need to separate. He did finally say he will get a place because our son loves our house/neighborhood etc. The he proceeds to fall asleep all afternoon until dinner.

We shall see...I think this will be one of those situations where he may just hang out and not leave to see if it will blow over. So, I am planning on talking to him tonight when his might be more sober about him finding a place by a certain date.

I just am amazed that he went to see 3 of his old girlfriends. He lives in the past in his head, so I guess he thought that would be a good place to start. In our last conversation, he said he "needed to be with somebody"...does he really think they would take him in???? I would have to believe they have not been pining for him since they broke up over 13-15 years ago! Why would anybody do that...I would not go look for my old boyfriend. I don't get that.

Thanks for listening...

transformyself

Hi Joy, love your name.

I'm glad to see you here and hope you read some of the sticky thingies at the top. They always help me.

I'd love to see Naive do some drunk translating for you. Although this behavior is cunning, baffling and powerful, it's also very very common. Predictable.

Glad you're here!

posiesperson

Hi, keepingmyjoy1~

Welcome to SR! I nodded my head when I read your comment about "why would anyone do that"--visit 3 girlfriends from the past? Well, because alcoholism doesn't make sense. If it did make sense, none of us would be here.

But like transform said, it's predictable. Alcoholics (addicts) never really go away. Mine resurfaces now and again, and I wouldn't put it past them to drive past my place "to see if I'm home" well into the future, especially if my exA doesn't find recovery (which is none of my business anymore).

Keep coming back and I strongly encourage you to go to Alanon, if you're not already doing that.

posie

dollydo

I agree they just keep popping up, mine just sent me a letter (again) and we've been over for almost 4 years...did I open it? No..just tossed it.

Their minds just don't work properly, you'll never figure them out.

LoveAllGone

He's throwing things at you to see how you will react. All he simply wanted to do was see if you would get 'fired up' over him going to see his 3 ex's (and that's even if he really did) My XAH would always try to see if I was 'really' done with him by trying to have sex with me because he knew that was a very intimate attachment that we shared. Even went to the extreme to tell me 'I know it's not over if you will still have sex with me' in one of his drunk spells. It was kinda funny actually because I used to be so blind to his manipulation and many times he would S-P-E-L-L it out for me and I still wouldn't see it...until the light bulb came on!

He's going to lash out, your taking his security blanket away from him & he's grasping for straws. He may just hit them ex girlfriends up but he's only looking for someone to 'enable' him to drink more. If they do it-oh well-I pity them. It took years but when mine finally realized that I was done and at the end of my rope with him...he cut out and has yet to return or even try to make contact. I won't pick him up and wipe him off anymore so he has no use for me...and I thank God every night!

Thumper

Those conversations are going to get you no where but frustrated and upset. He will probably be all over the map with how he behaves in general and with you. From very nice and reasonable to very manipulative and crazy. Be prepared and try to detach. IME the discussions will only fuel the fire. I would suggest having a plan for what you might do if he just does not leave. My situation was kind of similar to yours and xah's behavior got worse then it ever was. Agreeing to leave was just like all the other agreements we made. He agreed with his words and then just failed to act. I regret very much allowing him to remain in that house because it was very traumatic for my children. Where I am I could file for divorce and ask for temporary custody of the children and of the home. He'd have been forced to leave at that time, even if he had to be escorted out. As a matter of fact that was the only reason I filed for divorce - just to get him out. I started down that path and then back pedaled and wanted to be 'kinder' and more 'compassionate' and didn't want to 'upset the kids' with a scene. The reality was that I was afraid, unsure, confused, and kept listening to him - which was nothing but emotional manipulation and abuse being spewed. The kids had lived with their alcoholic father their entire lives and suffered waaaaay more emotional trauma in those 4-6 weeks then the sum total of all the years prior.

It made the first year of our divorce horrendous because they blamed me and were so mad at me. It felt like they hated me - and they probably did in a kid way, but not for real. They raged and raged and were so unhappy and confused. Our home was more chaotic after the divorce then before because their own behavior went haywire. I should have kept them away from him and denied visitation that first year after the divorce too.

tabatha

My XABF consistently went back to ex's every time we separated. His explanation was he was feeling bad about himself and needed to talk to someone who he thought 'used' to care about him. Mine couldn't face the current conflict so instead of trying to work it out like a normal healthy adult with me he would run to someone else to make himself feel better. Ego boost, sympathy, boo hoo poor me syndrome, - I never could figure it out either. I found out later he had a habit of doing this with every single person he had been with.

Tuffgirl

This above - this is a big part of what we spend a lot of time trying to rationalize when in fact, we are dealing with irrational people.

I would try not to spend too much time reasoning with him, especially when he is drunk. Just say what you need to say and be done with it.

Good luck - and prayers for you today. No matter what, this is a terribly hard thing to do and I hope it goes as well as it can.

changeschoices

Three old girlfriends? Wow! That is some serious desperation.

XXXXXXXXXX

You know, maybe he was telling the truth, but I don't buy it. I think he just told you that for your reaction, a manipulation game?

keepingmyjoy1

Thanks all...I know that extended discussion is not worth anything, but I did have to tell him we need to separate. I am bracing myself...last time we split up it was very UGLY. I do have a contingency plan if he will not move out though. We shall see...

Whether he really went to talk to them or not, I am sure he is looking for the next thing to enable him to live=drink the way he wants. It surely won't be me!