Is she an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1
Is she an alcoholic?
Hi
I'm a newbie, go easy on me! And apologies if this is a long post...
I've been with my partner almost a year and known her for three years. We started our friendship drinking socially after work, perhaps 2 pints of beer a night every few days, which seemed healthy at the time.
She then broke up with her partner and lost her job in the same week - became unemployed and stayed at home drinking all day, perhaps 5 pints of beer and a few G&Ts - excessive. I knew nothing of this at the time. She doesn't deal well with stress or worry, and turns to alcohol to cope.
I then broke up with my partner, we ended up spending a lot of time together and started seeing each other. We're now living together.
When we got together, our alcohol consumption went down. She has health anxiety and was worried about her alcohol intake, so stopped drinking for a few months. We slowly started drinking more, perhaps a couple of pints twice a week.
But she got a new job (the only one offered to her) which created a huge amount of stress and she started drinking a wine or two on her lunch break once or twice a week. They found out, they gave her a disciplinary and she went to AA. They said if she was caught drinking again, or was seen drinking outside work, they would sack her.
We no longer drank at home either, and I reduced my intake to zero to help her. But being controlled and told she couldn't drink at all, along with the stress from work, and of being sacked, made her obsess about alcohol on a daily basis, so she started secretly drinking - tiny amounts (buying a bottle of gin, swigging once and throwing the bottle away) perhaps once a week on her way home from work.
I had no idea - until I found a gin bottle in her bag, we had a huge row- she said the reason she did it was because she'd completely cut out her coping mechanism to her job (alcohol) and while the stress remained, she couldn't deal with it without her "crutch", plus she works with colleagues who binge drink a few times a week - and she couldn't see why she shouldn't be allowed to, too.
But the amounts were miniscule - one swig at a time. We decided perhaps that being told she *couldn't* drink was the worst thing that could happen - as the main cause of stress in her life, her job, was causing her to obsess about it when, in fact, she didn't need to. So we introduced it in small amounts and she started to have a beer perhaps once, twice a week after work.
I thought we were fine. She was no longer attending AA meetings, but reading an Alan Carr book on controlling alcohol. I asked her a couple of times if she was ok not having her little 'hits' but she said she was fine and that she needed me to trust her. So I stopped asking.
But last week. We were going to sign a contract for a new flat and I arrived early - to walk past her on the street drinking a gin miniature. She got angry, defensive, etc but admitted she'd bought a miniature a couple of times over the last few months. Again, tiny amounts, very infrequently, but using it as a coping mechanism. She'd had a stressful day at work and needed the 'hit' to deal with the stress.
We're now at the point where I'm fed up of the lying and secret drinking. She needs to find a way of dealing with her stress and anxiety and realise that alcohol isn't the answer she's looking for. She swears she won't buy any more but she's said that before. It's a habit, albeit a once-a-month (or whenever a stressful situation arises) miniature habit - does that make her an alcoholic?
I don't know what to do. Should she cut out alcohol completely, even though she still has her nightmare job (she's trying to find a new one but unemployment rates are high and there are very, very few) and the associated stress and worry. She obviously needs help - but should we focus first on the psychological, stress issues, or the alcohol problem that arises from that?
So sorry for the long post. I cannot talk to family or friends, as she is worried they will judge her. I have spoken to no-one except her about the issue for 6 months and I am tired and exhausted.
Thanks
H
I'm a newbie, go easy on me! And apologies if this is a long post...
I've been with my partner almost a year and known her for three years. We started our friendship drinking socially after work, perhaps 2 pints of beer a night every few days, which seemed healthy at the time.
She then broke up with her partner and lost her job in the same week - became unemployed and stayed at home drinking all day, perhaps 5 pints of beer and a few G&Ts - excessive. I knew nothing of this at the time. She doesn't deal well with stress or worry, and turns to alcohol to cope.
I then broke up with my partner, we ended up spending a lot of time together and started seeing each other. We're now living together.
When we got together, our alcohol consumption went down. She has health anxiety and was worried about her alcohol intake, so stopped drinking for a few months. We slowly started drinking more, perhaps a couple of pints twice a week.
But she got a new job (the only one offered to her) which created a huge amount of stress and she started drinking a wine or two on her lunch break once or twice a week. They found out, they gave her a disciplinary and she went to AA. They said if she was caught drinking again, or was seen drinking outside work, they would sack her.
We no longer drank at home either, and I reduced my intake to zero to help her. But being controlled and told she couldn't drink at all, along with the stress from work, and of being sacked, made her obsess about alcohol on a daily basis, so she started secretly drinking - tiny amounts (buying a bottle of gin, swigging once and throwing the bottle away) perhaps once a week on her way home from work.
I had no idea - until I found a gin bottle in her bag, we had a huge row- she said the reason she did it was because she'd completely cut out her coping mechanism to her job (alcohol) and while the stress remained, she couldn't deal with it without her "crutch", plus she works with colleagues who binge drink a few times a week - and she couldn't see why she shouldn't be allowed to, too.
But the amounts were miniscule - one swig at a time. We decided perhaps that being told she *couldn't* drink was the worst thing that could happen - as the main cause of stress in her life, her job, was causing her to obsess about it when, in fact, she didn't need to. So we introduced it in small amounts and she started to have a beer perhaps once, twice a week after work.
I thought we were fine. She was no longer attending AA meetings, but reading an Alan Carr book on controlling alcohol. I asked her a couple of times if she was ok not having her little 'hits' but she said she was fine and that she needed me to trust her. So I stopped asking.
But last week. We were going to sign a contract for a new flat and I arrived early - to walk past her on the street drinking a gin miniature. She got angry, defensive, etc but admitted she'd bought a miniature a couple of times over the last few months. Again, tiny amounts, very infrequently, but using it as a coping mechanism. She'd had a stressful day at work and needed the 'hit' to deal with the stress.
We're now at the point where I'm fed up of the lying and secret drinking. She needs to find a way of dealing with her stress and anxiety and realise that alcohol isn't the answer she's looking for. She swears she won't buy any more but she's said that before. It's a habit, albeit a once-a-month (or whenever a stressful situation arises) miniature habit - does that make her an alcoholic?
I don't know what to do. Should she cut out alcohol completely, even though she still has her nightmare job (she's trying to find a new one but unemployment rates are high and there are very, very few) and the associated stress and worry. She obviously needs help - but should we focus first on the psychological, stress issues, or the alcohol problem that arises from that?
So sorry for the long post. I cannot talk to family or friends, as she is worried they will judge her. I have spoken to no-one except her about the issue for 6 months and I am tired and exhausted.
Thanks
H
So it goes
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,620
Thanks for a brave post
Here are the thoughts of an alcoholic
In my experience the stress is caused by the drink, and not a relief for the drink. I dont think you will find anyone on here who will say you can drink occasionally - the alcholic has to come to terms with the fact (it takes longer to accept and enjoy the fact) that they cannot drink ever again.
I went down the , "well I can have the odd drink" path. It doesnt work. One drink makes you want a second then a third, and so on, and why would anyone drink out of a miniature on the street. I like spaghetti bolognaise, but I dont eat it on the street
She will find that once she has got the booze out of her system she will be able to cope better with the job (again , been there got the tshirt)
Tell her to have a look at this site (there are others, if you dont want this post to be seen, but posts disappear quite quickly and having tried others, I like SR)
There is also AA, perhaps a meeting , there are plenty in UK, she doesnt need to go somewhere local she worries about meeting someone she knows (and anyway if she does, they are there because they have a problem anyway). You can go in with her, or wait outside. People are really friendly to newcomers , they know how scarey it is to make that first step
Stick around, ask questions. You will get answers.
Here are the thoughts of an alcoholic
In my experience the stress is caused by the drink, and not a relief for the drink. I dont think you will find anyone on here who will say you can drink occasionally - the alcholic has to come to terms with the fact (it takes longer to accept and enjoy the fact) that they cannot drink ever again.
I went down the , "well I can have the odd drink" path. It doesnt work. One drink makes you want a second then a third, and so on, and why would anyone drink out of a miniature on the street. I like spaghetti bolognaise, but I dont eat it on the street
She will find that once she has got the booze out of her system she will be able to cope better with the job (again , been there got the tshirt)
Tell her to have a look at this site (there are others, if you dont want this post to be seen, but posts disappear quite quickly and having tried others, I like SR)
There is also AA, perhaps a meeting , there are plenty in UK, she doesnt need to go somewhere local she worries about meeting someone she knows (and anyway if she does, they are there because they have a problem anyway). You can go in with her, or wait outside. People are really friendly to newcomers , they know how scarey it is to make that first step
Stick around, ask questions. You will get answers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi H and welcome to SR. I encourage you to read the stickies at teh top of this forum. There is a lot of good info/support up there.
You'll make yourself nuts trying to solve her problems. There is no 'we' when it comes to working on ourselves. You are asking her questions. It is so easy to get all caught up in our partner's questions and answers and forget that we have our own.
What would your answers be if you re-framed the above - to look like this.
"We're now at the point where I'm fed up of the lying and secret drinking. How am I going to deal with this situation I am in? What can I personally do to improve my own life" You are not allowed to insert her or her behavior or ideas for her changing into your answer
Do you have boundaries in your life? Things that you will or will not accept? How do you protect and honor those boundaries?
The thing about someone else's drinking is - You did not cause it, you can not cure it, and you can not control it.
Your partner is dishonest with you. How does that fit in with your boundaries and what you find acceptable in a relationship? You can't change her and her lying - you can only decide what your actions will be. My experience tells me that the lying and secret drinking will continue and get worse (it is probably already worse then you think). Everything will go downhill as it infiltrates all the nooks and crannies of her life - and yours. That is reality so stay out of fantasy land where she magically comes to a reasonable conclusion and quits drinking. I lived in fantasy land for a long time and it nearly destroyed me. My ex's words fueled that fantasy but his actions were always the reality - watch the actions.
By the way - not expecting you to answer those questions - just food for thought. Wiser people then me will be along soon
Originally Posted by aitchtee 
We're now at the point where I'm fed up of the lying and secret drinking. She needs to find a way of dealing with her stress and anxiety and realise that alcohol isn't the answer she's looking for. She swears she won't buy any more but she's said that before. It's a habit, albeit a once-a-month (or whenever a stressful situation arises) miniature habit - does that make her an alcoholic?
I don't know what to do. Should she cut out alcohol completely, even though she still has her nightmare job (she's trying to find a new one but unemployment rates are high and there are very, very few) and the associated stress and worry. She obviously needs help - but should we focus first on the psychological, stress issues, or the alcohol problem that arises from that?
I don't know what to do. Should she cut out alcohol completely, even though she still has her nightmare job (she's trying to find a new one but unemployment rates are high and there are very, very few) and the associated stress and worry. She obviously needs help - but should we focus first on the psychological, stress issues, or the alcohol problem that arises from that?
What would your answers be if you re-framed the above - to look like this.
"We're now at the point where I'm fed up of the lying and secret drinking. How am I going to deal with this situation I am in? What can I personally do to improve my own life" You are not allowed to insert her or her behavior or ideas for her changing into your answer
Do you have boundaries in your life? Things that you will or will not accept? How do you protect and honor those boundaries?
The thing about someone else's drinking is - You did not cause it, you can not cure it, and you can not control it.
Your partner is dishonest with you. How does that fit in with your boundaries and what you find acceptable in a relationship? You can't change her and her lying - you can only decide what your actions will be. My experience tells me that the lying and secret drinking will continue and get worse (it is probably already worse then you think). Everything will go downhill as it infiltrates all the nooks and crannies of her life - and yours. That is reality so stay out of fantasy land where she magically comes to a reasonable conclusion and quits drinking. I lived in fantasy land for a long time and it nearly destroyed me. My ex's words fueled that fantasy but his actions were always the reality - watch the actions.
By the way - not expecting you to answer those questions - just food for thought. Wiser people then me will be along soon
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East
Posts: 27
The fact that you're asking this question should give you the answer. If she's hiding it, drinking at lunch. She's attending A.A. most people don't go just to visit. So the answer is yes, she's an alcoholic my friend.
The next move is yours, best of luck to you.
The next move is yours, best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
You CAN talk to others. A huge step for me was not being afraid to tell others, talk to them, regardless of how XAH felt about it. Hiding her addiction from others will only perpetuate it.
Welcome to SR! Keep reading and posting. Lots of wisdom around here!
Welcome to SR! Keep reading and posting. Lots of wisdom around here!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 6
Hello, aitchtee. I'm new here too, and I have a fiancee who is an alcoholic. She vacillates on whether she admits she is one, however. Two weeks ago, when I was helping her through an at-home detox, she told me that she realized she could never drink again. Then, this past weekend--one week to the day after her last drink--she said, "I'd really like to have a beer."
I was floored! I asked her, "How could you want that after all the pain you went through detoxing?" She said, "I'm just talking about one beer. I want to be a normal person, and normal people drink a beer after a hard day."
This part of your post really spoke to me:
During a fight that we had this weekend, she said (in effect) that the fact that I told her that I wouldn't buy her beer or be around her if she drank was making her want the beer even more. She's very stubborn about this issue, and she insists that she knows her body better than anyone else, including the doctors who tell her that a relapse in the absence of some treatment program is almost assured.
As far as finding bottles, I can relate to that too. Several weeks ago, I decided to look through her purse without permission (a bad move, BTW) and I found a wine bottle. I wanted to confront her, but I had lost any high ground I could have had by snooping. In the end, she told me a story that I now know is probably a lie: that she simply had not cleaned out her purse since she last stopped drinking.
For the longest time after that, I had to fight the urge to search through her personal items looking for stray bottles. I finally realized that I didn't want to be her parent, checking up on her constantly, making sure she behaves herself. I told myself that I wanted a partner. Thus, I don't check up on her anymore. I don't search through her purse or smell her breath. In my and my therapist's minds, that kind of behavior on my part is counterproductive and frequently becomes an issue in arguments ("you can't tell me what to do because I'm an adult" syndrome). I have to fight the urge to snoop, but I realize that even if I did catch her on one occasion, as long as she denies she has a real problem, she will just replace any alcohol that I find
I was floored! I asked her, "How could you want that after all the pain you went through detoxing?" She said, "I'm just talking about one beer. I want to be a normal person, and normal people drink a beer after a hard day."This part of your post really spoke to me:
We no longer drank at home either, and I reduced my intake to zero to help her. But being controlled and told she couldn't drink at all, along with the stress from work, and of being sacked, made her obsess about alcohol on a daily basis, so she started secretly drinking - tiny amounts (buying a bottle of gin, swigging once and throwing the bottle away) perhaps once a week on her way home from work.
As far as finding bottles, I can relate to that too. Several weeks ago, I decided to look through her purse without permission (a bad move, BTW) and I found a wine bottle. I wanted to confront her, but I had lost any high ground I could have had by snooping. In the end, she told me a story that I now know is probably a lie: that she simply had not cleaned out her purse since she last stopped drinking.
For the longest time after that, I had to fight the urge to search through her personal items looking for stray bottles. I finally realized that I didn't want to be her parent, checking up on her constantly, making sure she behaves herself. I told myself that I wanted a partner. Thus, I don't check up on her anymore. I don't search through her purse or smell her breath. In my and my therapist's minds, that kind of behavior on my part is counterproductive and frequently becomes an issue in arguments ("you can't tell me what to do because I'm an adult" syndrome). I have to fight the urge to snoop, but I realize that even if I did catch her on one occasion, as long as she denies she has a real problem, she will just replace any alcohol that I find
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 260
I think your partner maybe has a problem in the post, and all this attention is exacerbating or fast-tracking it.
If she really was drinking 'a wine or two on her lunch break once or twice a week', well, it's not ideal but equally it's nothing to really worry about. But what right do her employers have to tell her she can't drink out of office hours? Yet her co-workers are allowed to? Huh? No wonder she's started getting obsessed about it, poor woman. Sounds discriminatory to me. (Caveat: do you know it really was 'a wine or two' or was she being disciplined for rolling in blind drunk?)
So as a result of being told she can't do something she's resorted to doing it in secret, which is more than understandable.
To me, it sounds like this lady has issues with drink but certainly not at the AA level -- not yet anyway -- but that this constant focus on her drinking habits will certainly speed her progress to the door. Good luck both of you. You'll need it I think!
If she really was drinking 'a wine or two on her lunch break once or twice a week', well, it's not ideal but equally it's nothing to really worry about. But what right do her employers have to tell her she can't drink out of office hours? Yet her co-workers are allowed to? Huh? No wonder she's started getting obsessed about it, poor woman. Sounds discriminatory to me. (Caveat: do you know it really was 'a wine or two' or was she being disciplined for rolling in blind drunk?)
So as a result of being told she can't do something she's resorted to doing it in secret, which is more than understandable.
To me, it sounds like this lady has issues with drink but certainly not at the AA level -- not yet anyway -- but that this constant focus on her drinking habits will certainly speed her progress to the door. Good luck both of you. You'll need it I think!
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