aitchtee

Hi

I'm a newbie, go easy on me! And apologies if this is a long post...

I've been with my partner almost a year and known her for three years. We started our friendship drinking socially after work, perhaps 2 pints of beer a night every few days, which seemed healthy at the time.

She then broke up with her partner and lost her job in the same week - became unemployed and stayed at home drinking all day, perhaps 5 pints of beer and a few G&Ts - excessive. I knew nothing of this at the time. She doesn't deal well with stress or worry, and turns to alcohol to cope.

I then broke up with my partner, we ended up spending a lot of time together and started seeing each other. We're now living together.

When we got together, our alcohol consumption went down. She has health anxiety and was worried about her alcohol intake, so stopped drinking for a few months. We slowly started drinking more, perhaps a couple of pints twice a week.

But she got a new job (the only one offered to her) which created a huge amount of stress and she started drinking a wine or two on her lunch break once or twice a week. They found out, they gave her a disciplinary and she went to AA. They said if she was caught drinking again, or was seen drinking outside work, they would sack her.

We no longer drank at home either, and I reduced my intake to zero to help her. But being controlled and told she couldn't drink at all, along with the stress from work, and of being sacked, made her obsess about alcohol on a daily basis, so she started secretly drinking - tiny amounts (buying a bottle of gin, swigging once and throwing the bottle away) perhaps once a week on her way home from work.

I had no idea - until I found a gin bottle in her bag, we had a huge row- she said the reason she did it was because she'd completely cut out her coping mechanism to her job (alcohol) and while the stress remained, she couldn't deal with it without her "crutch", plus she works with colleagues who binge drink a few times a week - and she couldn't see why she shouldn't be allowed to, too.

But the amounts were miniscule - one swig at a time. We decided perhaps that being told she *couldn't* drink was the worst thing that could happen - as the main cause of stress in her life, her job, was causing her to obsess about it when, in fact, she didn't need to. So we introduced it in small amounts and she started to have a beer perhaps once, twice a week after work.

I thought we were fine. She was no longer attending AA meetings, but reading an Alan Carr book on controlling alcohol. I asked her a couple of times if she was ok not having her little 'hits' but she said she was fine and that she needed me to trust her. So I stopped asking.

But last week. We were going to sign a contract for a new flat and I arrived early - to walk past her on the street drinking a gin miniature. She got angry, defensive, etc but admitted she'd bought a miniature a couple of times over the last few months. Again, tiny amounts, very infrequently, but using it as a coping mechanism. She'd had a stressful day at work and needed the 'hit' to deal with the stress.

We're now at the point where I'm fed up of the lying and secret drinking. She needs to find a way of dealing with her stress and anxiety and realise that alcohol isn't the answer she's looking for. She swears she won't buy any more but she's said that before. It's a habit, albeit a once-a-month (or whenever a stressful situation arises) miniature habit - does that make her an alcoholic?

I don't know what to do. Should she cut out alcohol completely, even though she still has her nightmare job (she's trying to find a new one but unemployment rates are high and there are very, very few) and the associated stress and worry. She obviously needs help - but should we focus first on the psychological, stress issues, or the alcohol problem that arises from that?

So sorry for the long post. I cannot talk to family or friends, as she is worried they will judge her. I have spoken to no-one except her about the issue for 6 months and I am tired and exhausted.

Thanks

H