Thumper

Another thread got me to thinking about this.

I feel like I meet my own needs fairly well. My life is super busy and I like living alone and always have. Well I have four kids so I'm not really ever alone but no relationship. For me, there are so many ways life is easier on my own. Less complicated, less emotionally draining, more secure, more peaceful etc. I get everything my own way, lol. Relationships are hard for me. I am mentally not comfortable in that space so this works on a number of levels.

I do however feel alone. All alone in a big world where others have people to share with, laugh with, be intimate with. Like there is the world and then there is me. Two circles that will never overlap.

Anyone relate? What do I do with that feeling? Where do I go with it?

How do I not feel so 'apart' because I am alone.

Jazzman

I'm right there with ya. Been single since 2004, been on dozens of first dates and recently a few that went for several dates. I don't need a relationship, not even sure if I want a relationship. The only time I'm even the least bit lonely is on Saturday nights.

I wish I had a sure dinner date every Saturday night and a romantic partner for a couple dive trips a year to the Caribbean. That's about all I want.... LOL!! I sure don't want to share the remote or put up with any drama... pretty clear on what I want and don't want.

Tuffgirl

Sometimes I wish I could have it both ways - intimacy in a committed healthy marriage AND my freedom and independence (ie have everything my way!)

I think meeting our own needs is one thing, but what I read is just the basic human need for companionship. I think its normal to feel this way. But I would caution you, Thumper, about thinking relationships are hard for you. It might be causing a vibe to others to stay away, and if that's what you want right now, that's cool. But if you are hoping to develop relationships, having the right attitude is crucial!

It helped a lot to define what a healthy intimate relationship looks like before I could comfortably pursue one. Maybe do a little research and introspection on what it all means to you, so when the opportunity presents itself, you'll be ready and willing!?

stella27

I really appreciate TG's comments because I am just like you, Thumper - single mom, three children, would love to know that someone has my back and I have theirs. I believe that God made us for community and that being content and comfortable in your own skin but that doesn't mean giving up on wanting to be in relationship with another adult. A healthy one this time, right?

I'm glad to see this discussion because it is exactly where I am in my thinking and feeling these days.

tabatha

Yes I can relate to this. Our society seems to put such emphasis on marriage and relationships and not much attention is given to singles and the single life. Sometimes I'm not sure if I've been brainwashed by what society thinks I should feel or if my feelings about being single are really my own. I do very well on my own now but need to remind myself that there are different kinds of sharing and connection. It doesn't necessarily have to be within an intimate relationship. I stopped explaining to people why I'm single (it's really none of their business), stopped idealizing marriages that other people have (my last A put an end to that fantasy), and stopped thinking of myself as a separate part of society because I am single. I do miss the intimate sharing that comes with having a partner, but now I consider it a luxury and not a necessity for my happiness. Like a Lexus- it would be nice to have but I'll be ok without it.

kudzujean

Yes, I can totally relate to this. I have lived alone for years, most of my adult life. I am happy alone, and used to having everything my way.

In recent years, since my mother and stepfather died, I have at times felt lonely. I have two sisters but they aren't in the same city.

Sometimes I kind of wish I had a partner.

My Al Anon friends are a great help. My 12 step groups have been a godsend to me.

fourmaggie

i asked this question awhile back....being in AL ANON and getting into recovery makes me realize alot of my friendships are toxic for me...and drift apart....

i remember in councelling asking this and she said...it is a lonely life...a healthy life style..but too can get lonely....

i am asking my HP to send some new friends in my life....(like here...)

theuncertainty

I can relate to this feeling, Thumper. Completely. There are times I am so envious of my friends and their marital (or significant other) relationships and the closeness and support they lend each other. OK, there are a LOT of times. Most of those times, I also feel that it was never meant for me or will never be meant for me. It's a toss up on my response to those thoughts: either sadness for that loss or 'Thank HP! I can do what ever I want. Heck, maybe I'll find a guy who travels a lot. See him for a couple days while he's in town and then kick him out onto another trip so I can do what ever I want again.' LOL

Anvil, I love the Lego analogy, maybe it's because DS is 7 and I'm constantly 'finding' Legos with bare feet, but it makes sense.

I've had an acquaintance tell me something similar to what TuffGirl said about putting out a vibe. "TU, I bet you have all kinds of guys hanging around: you're smart, pretty, sweet." Umm, no, why would any one want to see a girl who is, not only a 40 year old divorcee with a young child, but a divorcee from an abusive marriage. "OK. That. That right there is why you're not seeing that there're men around who like you. They're there. Just stop thinking THAT. You're amazing and just because AXH is an a--hat who treated you like sh-t doesn't mean that's what you deserve."

LaTeeDa

Not really all that far-fetched. In fact, that's kind of what I have. I have a relationship with a man who lives 35 miles away. We see each other on weekends and we go on vacations together, but during the week, we each live our own lives in our own places. It's perfect for where we both are in life right now. I have to admit, though, that it took me a while to get comfortable with a "non-conformist" relationship. It seems well-meaning friends and family just can't seem to resist asking questions like when are you two going to get engaged/married/move in together? And for a bit I started asking myself "what's the next step?" Then I realized that it's just fine the way it is, so why change it just because "that's what people are supposed to do?" If it isn't broke, don't fix it, lol. I also know that whatever the future holds, with or without him, I will be just fine. And I'm amazed that I have gotten to that point after what a mess I was just five short years ago.

L

LifeRecovery

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. Nietzsche

For me right now this quote sums it up.

I have spent so many years with more energy going out to those outside of me, with little effort directed back in. It is so strange to be in a place, living alone, with the focus on me.

It is exhilirating, but scary; freeing but at times constraining and lonely; safe, but is it too safe?

The other part I am not clear on is is if a phase for me, or something that will have a more lasting impact. The latter really is kind of frightening for me right now.

I do know this. I don't want to lose myself in a relationship again like I did with my last one (even with a significant amount of work and support prior and during it).

Thanks for all your recent posts Thumper, you have really given me a lot to think and feel.

akalacha

Oh, I can totally relate. Except I'm still with my A-kinda. I asked him to leave last year but he refused. We do have separate rooms now and that's a good thing. But even though he is still here, I am pretty much alone. Well, me and the animals. Besides the missed intimacy (but that's been gone for a long time anyway) I miss having someone to talk to, someone to hug, someone to help make decisions, help with the work around here, someone to go places and do things with. I miss HIM! But I've come to the realization that HE is gone. Instead there's this drunk who does nothing but drink and sleep. And make messes in the kitchen, and wake me up at 6:00 am throwing up in the yard outside my window. So even though it's hard, be thankful that although you don't have the company and intimacy, you also don't have the BS anymore. I do have friends that I spend time with, and my animals are great company. SOmetimes I do get lonely. I wish I had some good advice for you. I can only say what works for me-spend time with friends, spend time with my pets, do things that I enjoy, and try not to think about what should/would/could have been if not for his addiction.

fhl41

Funny but I have had this very topic on my mind the last couple of days.

I have wondered if I am even cut out for relationships. To me they seem like so much hard work, mainly because when I’m in a relationship it consumes me, and not in a good way.

Since I broke up with my XABF 2 weeks ago with the realization that the relationship was hopeless I feel like I have my life back. I have to say I have really enjoyed myself, I am living my life the way I want to live. I’m a little worried that the reality of being alone hasn’t sunk in yet and loneliness and sadness are just around the corner but for now I feel good.

I have had lots of time to reflect and it has become painfully obvious to me that when I am in a relationship I don’t think of my needs or wants I only think of my partners and that leads to resentment and the loss of “me”. It is ridiculous. I am also realizing that the reason I do this is basically my fear of abandonment. If i don’t oblige them then they will get mad at me, reject me, or leave me.

At least on my own I don’t need to worry about being abandoned. It’s not realistic but it works for now. I'm not in a rush to get out there dating anytime soon. One day at a time. For now I am enjoying my own company. It feels right (for now anyway).

lillamy

I think it is completely and utterly fine to be single and love it. That was my idea of the perfect life when I was married to AXH: Being single, having lots of friends, and maybe a friend-with-benefits. I don't for a second think that anybody needs to be in a two-some relationship in order to have a full, valuable, wonderful life.

I do think, however, that it's really easy when you come out of a sh*tty or downright abusive relationship to isolate yourself because you have control over your little universe, and venturing out is ultra-uber-hyper-scary. Letting someone into your life? Is even scarier.

I think babysteps? Don't start out internet dating looking for Mr. Right -- start out by taking rollerskating or photography classes and just feel out how you are and who you are among other people. What you're comfortable with. How you handle acquaintances and friendships in the world post-A-marriage. And take a step at the time, when you're comfortable.

Thumper

Thank you so much, each one of you, for your responses. I'm really mulling this over. I'm not sure how to follow up because I am still thinking about it all. This thread has been really helpful.

I have no angst at all being single or not married. That doesn't bother me at all. Still thinking on the rest of it.

itsmylifenow

This is how I am feeling as well. I've been wondering why it's become so important for me to live my own life and do what I want to do and you have hit the nail on the head. I always figured I was just flexible and easy going, but now I see that I am quick to drop my plans for someone else's. It's not so much flexibility as fear of what will happen if they don't get to do what they want to do. I fear they will get mad and not love me anymore.

Because I spent the last 2 1/2 years with my XABF who pretty much controlled everything I did and totally discouraged me from doing things I loved, it's absolutely no wonder why I don't want to be in a relationship.

MyBetterWorld

I am beginning to think there is no one out there for me! I am totally fine on my own,with my kids, but I do miss having that "someone"
It mostly hits me in the evening, after the kids are in bed and I am alone in the quiet. For now I just go for a run on the treadmill. When I am done with that I am too tired to care. Until the next night!

MyBetterWorld

Oh, and I also think that I don't want to have to answer to anyone either. I want to have my cake and eat it too, I suppose.

TakingCharge999

I would love that relationship as well, once when we meet for Saturday then BYE!! see you in .. 3 months lol

I have been reading about community vs. alienation, alienation is a common theme these modern times.

I don't have kids its only myself and 2 cats... I have seen my friends get married, then divorced.... I like to think I have saved money but I get the feeling and I offer no solution nor advice just a "I know what you mean" ...

fourmaggie

i guess, in a sense, we are grieving the old ME....and i admit...it is hard...

oooh, i so like that idea with friends with benefits!!!...LMAO...where do i get me one of these? in paper?.....LOL

onajourney

very timely thread and have considered all of the above at times, but so new to being on my own, well with DD am just learning to like it. i don`t know who me was for too many years and they include twenties and thirties so for now am finding me.
wonder sometimes who i would be had life been different but then the saying what doesnt kill you makes you stronger comes to mind.
dont know what a normal relationship is, hope to find it one day,
thinking of all here, such an amazing site, def for me!
you all inspire me and give me so much each day, such a resource.