Meeting our own needs
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
After I divorced my second husband, the sober alcoholic and very active gambler in July of 1987, both my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor strongly suggested that I take a year, or however long it took, and LIVE with just me. Get to know ME. Learn to love me.
So I took them up on their suggestion. Only it took me FOUR YEARS, rofl. By the end of my isolation I was feeling really good about me. I have because of that come to believe that we attract others to us by what is going on on our insides, not our outside.
I found I LIKED living alone. I found out I LIKED being identified as just me, not by some fellow I had on my arm, or a ring on my finger. When I re-emerged, in a very short time, at a party at a neighbors house, I was introduced to a very lovely gentleman that was a professor at the University. He had lost his wife to cancer about 5 or 6 years prior to our meeting.
We slowly created a relationship. A relationship, where we both kept our OWN HOMES, but spent time with each other at each home. He too liked living alone. It was really good for both of us I believe and we both grew from this. We were together for a bit over 12 years when he had a massive heart attack.
I went back to living alone, but not lonely. I still like living alone with my fur kids. My dear dear long time friend, moved down here in '06 and she and I lived together for two years until she moved back north to be closer to her kids. Now she is coming back, lol When she and I live together, I guess because we are so much alike and our health issues are almost identical, that we get along great. Each has her own space, and we do great, sometimes eating meals together, sometimes not. Both watching the same program on TV and on our laptops at the same time, rofl Anyway, I have never found it a problem when we have shared a home. I do find it a problem to this day to share a home, day in and day out with a member of the opposite sex.
In January of '10 I got a phone call from someone I hadn't seen or spoken with in 44 years. My first love. We had some very long phone calls, long distance, and finally in February I went to his home to visit. It was great, really seemed like this just might go somewhere. Stayed 10 days the first time.
He came to visit for about 5 days and then I went back. This continued throughout the year of '10. However, as time went on, there were some RED FLAGS that I could no longer ignore, avoid, pretend they were not there, etc He had a problem with alcohol ........................................ a BIG PROBLEM. And he constantly lived in the past, always talking about those that 'had done him wrong.' Nothing was ever his fault. Every body was out to get him, etc and he was 66 years old!
In October of '10 as I was getting ready to get on a plane to come back HOME, I told him that I had to say good bye for good. He was too toxic for me. However, if some day he found sobriety and cleared the wreckage of his past, I would then love to hear from him.
I was bombarded with phone calls and then they slowly slowed down. I thought they were done by the end of last year, but NO they started again the end of January. The last one to day was the middle of March.
Needless to say when I got HOME in October of '10 I DOVE back into Alanon, one more time, roflmao I had to see within me why I had not seen the RED FLAGS. Had to make sure that I was truly and sincerely alright with living alone.
I was and am!!!! I share all this, because I have come to see that my recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction has been a lot easier than recovering from my codependent enabling ways. And yes I was enabling Eric, I was making excuses for him, I was playing down his episodes of falling, spilling food and drinks, etc It still amazes me how quickly it was for me to JUMP right back on that NIGHTMARE ROLLER COASTER RIDE! Sheeeeessssshhhhhh
Even through that whole MESS I really had no though or desire to drink. That is partly why I said recovery from alcohol and drugs was easier.
I used to feel this way, however, not much anymore. See, I can change that feeling anytime I want. Call a friend, take my fur kids for a walk, etc What I seem to do though when I get that feeling once in a while is call over to my daughter's house and invite my grand kid(s) over. Tell them to bring a movie if they want. Usually at least 2 will show up and sometimes all four, lol
There is nothing better to get me out of a funk or feeling sorry for myself, than my grand children or my fur kids. Maybe because I have the fur kids, I don't get into 'funks' or sit on the pitty pot much any longer.
I also found that when I give myself PERMISSION to feel like that, alone, on the pitty pot, deep funk, it doesn't last as long. I will literally say out lous:
"Okay Laurie, you have 1 hour, 60 minutes, to sit on the pitty pot. Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, cry if you have to, you have exactly 60 minutes."
What happens is that I have a hard time, staying in that mood for the full 60 minutes, lol
(((((Thumper))))) You have come so far in so short a time, please don't be too hard on yourself. You will continue to grow and change and the way you 'feel' right now will also become a part of your ES&H to share with others as you continue to grow.
Thank you for starting this thread!!!
Love and hugs,
So I took them up on their suggestion. Only it took me FOUR YEARS, rofl. By the end of my isolation I was feeling really good about me. I have because of that come to believe that we attract others to us by what is going on on our insides, not our outside.
I found I LIKED living alone. I found out I LIKED being identified as just me, not by some fellow I had on my arm, or a ring on my finger. When I re-emerged, in a very short time, at a party at a neighbors house, I was introduced to a very lovely gentleman that was a professor at the University. He had lost his wife to cancer about 5 or 6 years prior to our meeting.
We slowly created a relationship. A relationship, where we both kept our OWN HOMES, but spent time with each other at each home. He too liked living alone. It was really good for both of us I believe and we both grew from this. We were together for a bit over 12 years when he had a massive heart attack.
I went back to living alone, but not lonely. I still like living alone with my fur kids. My dear dear long time friend, moved down here in '06 and she and I lived together for two years until she moved back north to be closer to her kids. Now she is coming back, lol When she and I live together, I guess because we are so much alike and our health issues are almost identical, that we get along great. Each has her own space, and we do great, sometimes eating meals together, sometimes not. Both watching the same program on TV and on our laptops at the same time, rofl Anyway, I have never found it a problem when we have shared a home. I do find it a problem to this day to share a home, day in and day out with a member of the opposite sex.
In January of '10 I got a phone call from someone I hadn't seen or spoken with in 44 years. My first love. We had some very long phone calls, long distance, and finally in February I went to his home to visit. It was great, really seemed like this just might go somewhere. Stayed 10 days the first time.
He came to visit for about 5 days and then I went back. This continued throughout the year of '10. However, as time went on, there were some RED FLAGS that I could no longer ignore, avoid, pretend they were not there, etc He had a problem with alcohol ........................................ a BIG PROBLEM. And he constantly lived in the past, always talking about those that 'had done him wrong.' Nothing was ever his fault. Every body was out to get him, etc and he was 66 years old!
In October of '10 as I was getting ready to get on a plane to come back HOME, I told him that I had to say good bye for good. He was too toxic for me. However, if some day he found sobriety and cleared the wreckage of his past, I would then love to hear from him.
I was bombarded with phone calls and then they slowly slowed down. I thought they were done by the end of last year, but NO they started again the end of January. The last one to day was the middle of March.
Needless to say when I got HOME in October of '10 I DOVE back into Alanon, one more time, roflmao I had to see within me why I had not seen the RED FLAGS. Had to make sure that I was truly and sincerely alright with living alone.
I was and am!!!! I share all this, because I have come to see that my recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction has been a lot easier than recovering from my codependent enabling ways. And yes I was enabling Eric, I was making excuses for him, I was playing down his episodes of falling, spilling food and drinks, etc It still amazes me how quickly it was for me to JUMP right back on that NIGHTMARE ROLLER COASTER RIDE! Sheeeeessssshhhhhh
Even through that whole MESS I really had no though or desire to drink. That is partly why I said recovery from alcohol and drugs was easier.
I do however feel alone. All alone in a big world where others have people to share with, laugh with, be intimate with. Like there is the world and then there is me. Two circles that will never overlap.
There is nothing better to get me out of a funk or feeling sorry for myself, than my grand children or my fur kids. Maybe because I have the fur kids, I don't get into 'funks' or sit on the pitty pot much any longer.
I also found that when I give myself PERMISSION to feel like that, alone, on the pitty pot, deep funk, it doesn't last as long. I will literally say out lous:
"Okay Laurie, you have 1 hour, 60 minutes, to sit on the pitty pot. Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself, cry if you have to, you have exactly 60 minutes."
What happens is that I have a hard time, staying in that mood for the full 60 minutes, lol
(((((Thumper))))) You have come so far in so short a time, please don't be too hard on yourself. You will continue to grow and change and the way you 'feel' right now will also become a part of your ES&H to share with others as you continue to grow.
Thank you for starting this thread!!!
Love and hugs,
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I'm a relatively logical thinker, even when it comes to relationships. My feeling is that there is, basically, a hierarchy of relationship states. Here they are from best to worst:
1. In a good relationship/marriage.
2. Single and happy.
3. Single and unhappy.
4. In a crappy relationship/marriage.
Note that while the best thing is to be in a good relationship, BOTH single states, including single and unhappy, are BETTER than being in a bad relationship.
(For those of you who wonder how I came up with this hierarchy: personal experience!)
1. In a good relationship/marriage.
2. Single and happy.
3. Single and unhappy.
4. In a crappy relationship/marriage.
Note that while the best thing is to be in a good relationship, BOTH single states, including single and unhappy, are BETTER than being in a bad relationship.
(For those of you who wonder how I came up with this hierarchy: personal experience!)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I keep coming back to these thoughts from my own posts on more than a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
I am struggling in this with all relationships. While the internal landscape is starting to settle down I am unclear how to keep that calmness and care for myself with others (all others).
It feels good to realize that this is progress, but it is still really disorienting.
I am struggling in this with all relationships. While the internal landscape is starting to settle down I am unclear how to keep that calmness and care for myself with others (all others).
It feels good to realize that this is progress, but it is still really disorienting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I keep coming back to these thoughts from my own posts on more than a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
I am struggling in this with all relationships. While the internal landscape is starting to settle down I am unclear how to keep that calmness and care for myself with others (all others).
It feels good to realize that this is progress, but it is still really disorienting.
I am struggling in this with all relationships. While the internal landscape is starting to settle down I am unclear how to keep that calmness and care for myself with others (all others).
It feels good to realize that this is progress, but it is still really disorienting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Like LTD, I have a relationship that allows me all the space I need. Heck, sometimes, it's a little more space than I would like. But it's the only way I could have a relationship right now.
I could not be part of an all-consuming twosomeness. I think losing boundaries in my alcoholic marriage, taking on AXH's twisted view of reality and stinking thinking, losing track of my own feelings and taking his own as my own... was frightening enough that I'm frankly scared of falling into that again, even with a sane and sober man.
So I've built my independent life. There is a good man in it, a long-time friend, who respects my boundaries and who is patient with what I need. He travels for work, so sometimes a month or more goes by without us actually seeing each other. And that works for us, for now. We're both sort of "recycled" out of bad relationships, we're both a little beat up and scruffy-looking, inside and outside, and we're moving ahead slowly. I have a lot of love for him, and he for me, but it's sane love with boundaries. It's not "we are soulmates and will be together forever" -- it's "we love and respect each other as individuals, and we will be together as long as it is healthy for both of us." I know I'm damn lucky to have that. Today, I have that. And that's good enough.
I could not be part of an all-consuming twosomeness. I think losing boundaries in my alcoholic marriage, taking on AXH's twisted view of reality and stinking thinking, losing track of my own feelings and taking his own as my own... was frightening enough that I'm frankly scared of falling into that again, even with a sane and sober man.
So I've built my independent life. There is a good man in it, a long-time friend, who respects my boundaries and who is patient with what I need. He travels for work, so sometimes a month or more goes by without us actually seeing each other. And that works for us, for now. We're both sort of "recycled" out of bad relationships, we're both a little beat up and scruffy-looking, inside and outside, and we're moving ahead slowly. I have a lot of love for him, and he for me, but it's sane love with boundaries. It's not "we are soulmates and will be together forever" -- it's "we love and respect each other as individuals, and we will be together as long as it is healthy for both of us." I know I'm damn lucky to have that. Today, I have that. And that's good enough.
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