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After a year, Let's see how strong I really am...

Old 04-03-2012, 08:58 PM
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After a year, Let's see how strong I really am...

I have been on here hop, skipping & jumping thru post over the past couple of months. Life has been keeping me busy.

For those of you that know my story, it's almost that time...

The x lost his job last year and has been in a 90/120 day rehab. This month he is out and going to come back here to get his stuff.
I feel like the little train, Who say's over and over..I think I can...I think I can

When he left over a year ago, he wasnt sober, he flunked out on his first rehab visit. He left me with hope, hope of becoming sober. That soon passed.

Over the past year, learning to live alone after 15 years of marriage has been a challenge. Financially it's been beyond belief. The trails and errors of my recovery has been definitely a rocky road.

Just when I think I have it, I fall. But I get the courage to stand back up and do it all over again.

Havent dated in the past year. Thought I was ready at one point in time. Just fooling myself and trying to run from my problems. Having someone else distract me from recovery and getting healed inside, is not what I needed. For once in my life, I have stood my grounds and took care of me, wheter it sucked hindtit or not, I did it..

I can now see, how so many people "HAVE" to have someone. Wheter they are good or bad. I just want to shake them to their senses. It's like they are desperate vulcars, waiting for their prey.

I can now see, how many of my friends put up with verbal/physical abuse because they think it's normal.

I can now see, the affect that alcoholism/drugs have over so many peoples lives. I can see the damage, the denial, the hurt, the devastation. I have helped so many people with alanon, advice, books and this site, I have lost count.

I wont lie, the past year, has been very hard on me. I have the wrinkles to prove it. But it's been peaceful. I don't miss the yelling/screaming and all of the other chaos that comes with it.

But now, it's almost time, I face him...After a year of being gone.

Kind of weird to think, I have never known him to be sober
Then panic sets in..What if he drinks from the airport to the house
What is he going to look like...
Is my anger undercontrol or am I going to smack him?

Uggg..So many thought's racing thru my head. Hoping Im strong
enough, to get closure, and to let go of my anger.

A year later, Im still working on "forgiving". I just cant seem to get a grip
on that one yet. It keeps me chained down.

I have a list:
1. Seeing him, hoping for mental closure
2. Selling this house, and not having everyday visual memories
*Is this what I need to really move on? - A question I ask myself daily...

So, as my time nears, I pray and work hard for my recovery
Hoping that my work on me, pay's off at the end of the month
And I can stand tall and honestly believe, he will always be an alcoholic
and that is not for me...

One of my gf's asked me, "Why wouldnt you get back with him, if he is sober?" - I have finally learned to ask the question back, "What do you know about alcoholism"
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Old 04-03-2012, 09:20 PM
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May G-d help you remember how much strength you already have.
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:24 AM
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Hey BobbyJ, I was just thinking about you and hoping all was well.

It has been quite a year, eh?

You are going to handle this situation just fine! Having gone through this year with you, I have the utmost faith in your new perspectives and strength.

Playing devil's advocate here for a minute, I agree that he will always be an alcoholic, but it doesn't necessarily mean he will always be a drunk. If he does come completely sober and committed to it this time, are you prepared for that?

I know he has hurt you repeatedly and violated your most fundamental values, but is there a point where you could accept him, not as your spouse or lover, but as a person you have a long history with?

Just curious! ; )
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:47 AM
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Stay in the now ... this is the only moment we have

Many things can happen, trust you will be able to manage, to gather the data then take your time to make your decisions. And if you decide something then change your mind its OK. You can take new decisions...


I have seen XABF again after a long time (having to go to the office)

First time I was super strong and handled it very well emotionally
Yesterday I was a mess and it felt like BREAKUP DAY NO.1 ALL OVER AGAIN

Its fine... remember you are a human being..


PS I feel sometimes when I am too anxious about others it means I am not trusting myself enough nor focusing on my own goals & boundaries. Once boundaries are clear it is very easy to know where I stand.

PPS We finally sold the house with all my dad's memories on it and it has been very healing to my mom.


Hugs.
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Old 04-04-2012, 09:55 AM
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Sorry for my rambling post ... didn't sleep much...

But I have faith in you
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Old 04-04-2012, 10:31 AM
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In similar situations I prepare myself with some positive internal chatter. Phrases, thoughts, sometimes even just slogans help me stay centered. My internal chatter can be quite detrimental if I don't pay attention - and for me that leads to increased self doubt and confusion. I also have some canned responses that I can just spit out. I used to actually practice them.

I plan escapes. If I feel weird, iffy, unsure, confused, angry, or any tiny bit out of control - I just get away Perhaps not the best coping mechanism but since I don't actually want him in my life, need him in my life, etc. getting away from him seems to be a pretty solid coping mechanism so far so I go with it. I justify it by making sure I do not play any games. I do not lead him on in anyway, say or do anything that would give him the idea that I am willing to engage in anything besides co-parenting. I never used to give myself permission to leave or even ignore. At an emotional level I was not really a separate person. I am now and I leave.

Hope some of this helpful. You have the strength and recovery to manage this next step - just stay focused on that and not him!
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