Zoenob

Forgot to add that he was drunk 2 days later and thanked me so much for sobering him up. He has been drunk non-stop since then for 2 months and I believe he will die but he will kill me no longer.

Hang in there. Time helps.

mayalewiston

Hi Krys,
Hugs to you. I encourage you to read some of my posts through the past few weeks, as I was in a very similar situation to you. Even though I had (thought) I mentally prepared myself for leaving for months, was so done living this way, being lied to, etc... when it came time to do it, I had major second thoughts. The first week that I moved into my new apartment, I wanted me than anything to go home and be with him. I cried and cried to him like a whaling baby. The first week I was gone, I would have done anything to go back. It would have taken something BARELY more than a small "quack" to get me to come back. I felt like I could even possibly be suicidal at first and that I could not live without him. I also thought this would be the wake-up call he needed that that this would make him take this seriously... nope. However, I'm now 3+ weeks out and really feeling great. Please just ride through the storm... I promise it will get better. Feel free to PM me at any time. xoxo

mayalewiston

This sounds VERY familiar to me as well. Every single part of it - including the circle of "It's all your fault that I drink, you're crazy, etc"... but 5 minutes later "but I'm lonely, love you, and want you to come home." Ugh, I'm so glad to be almost off the crazy train...

keepfinding2

I'm sure there is a lot more to this story that I don't know. You have to do what you have to do.

Katiekate

Hey there, honey, it takes sometime for the dust to settle. It has been a bit over 2 months since I have seen my axb, there has been some very minor contact but I will tell you is that everytime there is contact it upsets me, there is some dig or something said to diliberately beat me down.

At one point he wrote me an email telling me I Love you (quack) I miss you (quack), you are the coolest person I have ever met (quack) , I'm lonely (quack) then not 1 day later took it back. Why , because I would not go and see him. blah blah blah bleh

At some point, you will begin to see how crazy making your life was. You will begin to have some peace, you will begin to get into bed a night and not have to sift through all of the madness of the last 24 hours of chaos that you have experienced with this man.

At some point you will become numb, and then you will rise up and realize that life is so much easier without the constant mind chatter and the conversations you have with yourself trying to understand , how, why, when, someone who is suppose to love you can treat you so horribly. He does it because he is sick, he does it because his brain is like swiss cheese, he does it because he feels like crap, over and over and over again.

He is on a hamster's wheel, going around and around and around, and he has been taking you on that ride with him in the name of what??? Love??? No in the name of his addiction. He can't get off, but you can. And you must, because he is getting sicker everyday and he will make you sicker with him, just like my xab has done to me. I am healing now, he isn't, he is stuck in his own self imposed purgatory. You know, I don't even feel bad for him anymore, because feeling bad pulls me right back in. I am done.

CanfixONLYme

Keep reading the answers above while you make a nice big mental list of all the crap he has pulled during your relationship (EVERYTHING)... and it will finally catch up to what your body managed to do first - removing yourself from the relationship.

Me, I made mental lists for a good year or so, fumed at when my AH would feck up yet again, treat me like crap etc., but my body just wouldn't budge... my mouth wouldn't move to say "get the feck out" until last Nov (2011)... when I had enough and finally said the words: "I want to separate"...

You did the opposite and you know, being away from him physically will feel really bad for a bit but I promise it will subside... you're grieving... and you need to get through this - just keep paying attention and learning and coming on here and eventually you will find your way to being happy for you again.

silkspin

I just finished watching some of the HBO Addiction series (someone posted about it here). I thought I knew a lot about addiction but it really opened my eyes. Addiction basically takes over the reward/ pleasure system of a person's brain, takes over its functioning. The researchers suggest that if you try to remove the drug that the brain has now incorporated into itself, it actually becomes a deprivation state and the brain then signals to find more of what it needs to live. This is a powerful state that overrides everything in their brain. And the kicker is that most addicts don't even realize this. In their mind they are normal; their extreme desire to want to drink, their actions and behaviours. But compared to a non-addict they are miles different and that's why many times they think we are the crazy ones.

His brain has been altered and he's deep 'in' the sickness. There is nothing you can do, but it may help to understand addiction to know that he is fundamentally incapable of feeling, empathizing etc, the way most of us can. This is not personal. His reaction to your leaving is the reaction of an addicted brain. Now this may make you even sadder to think this, but in many cases there is simply no other choice but to walk away. You've tried everything, but now you realize you must bail so that you don't sink along with the ship. Take care of yourself first; that's the most important thing, and let yourself grieve. This is a horrible disease and we all understand your pain.

LoveAllGone

I think the worst part of it all is thinking of how much we sacrificed to be with them to get absolutely "nothing" in return. All he gave me over and over was lies and broken promises and sometimes I wish he had simply let me go and never said a word because trying to believe in a lie is much worse than simply saying "I don't care enough about this marriage to even attempt to give up my alcohol" and that's basically what it came down to. I had to realize that I was fighting a losing battle and I would never prevail. I simply couldn't compete with it and although it hurts terribly...I know the pain won't last forever. I look at it like I can be in pain the rest of my life trying to make things work with him or suffer for awhile and finally be happy and have some "peace" in my life because that's what I deserve. Congratulations on your big step--and I feel like it's also the hardest step!

nodaybut2day

Hi Krys,

I wanted to post for you today the one thing that kept me going through leaving my XAH, and recently through a painful breakup: the serenity prayer. Modify it as you need to:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people!)
the courage to change the things that I can (myself!)
and the wisdom to know the difference.

You're in that prayer Krys! You realized that you could not change your partner and took that big brave leap to save yourself before you got eaten alive. Now you're in HP's net; you're on the right path. Rely on friends and family to support you (maybe someone can come help you pack so that you're not alone?); be super patient and kind with yourself (remember HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). Come here to post as much as you need/want. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Time marches on whether you like it or not, whether you're in pain or not.

Try to see this as a detox, only you're not detoxing from a substance, you're detoxing from a person. Yes, there will be painful memories held in objects, sights, sounds, smells, but every day that you distance yoursel from him, you will also be rebuilding new memories for yourself.

And when you have doubts about what you're doing, try to mentally "play the tape all the way through". What if you had stayed? Would it really be viable? I'd venture to say NO. Therein lies the impasse. You simply cannot change him or MAKE him want to change. The only option left for you is exactly what you're doing now.

***BIG HUGS TO YOU***

fourmaggie

i totally got that comment...funny, i had one relationship like this...i was scared for myself to even DO IT....i vowed rite then and there after the relationship was over...NEVER to get to that point again...its awful...i was like "what the heck am i doing?" thanks for the reminder!

mdh0723

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know all too well the pain you are feeling. I read this today and for some reason it hit home ... "Let him go. You're in the way and there is One who is greater than all of us who has him now. Let God do what you cannot do". **HUGS TO YOU**

theuncertainty

I remember this feeling. From this side, I can say: it may feel like it's more painful now than putting up with life with an alcoholic, but it's just a different kind of pain.

One scenario that comes to mind when I read the part of your post that I quoted above is when I broke my leg and dislocated my ankle. It kind of hurt when happened, but, all things considered, not too bad. Not noticing that my leg had a major zig in it above the ankle or that my foot was no longer facing forward, I tried to stand up. When that didn't work too well, I looked down at my leg. OMG, THEN it started to hurt. Even that, though was nothing compared to when the doctor and staff straightened everything out and set the bones. After everything was set, the subsequent surgeries done, and everything was on the mend, it ached for a rather long time. Eventually, though, the day came when I realized, "Hey.... it doesn't hurt now. When did that happen?"

Setting the bones was, by far, the most painful part in that whole experience. But if I hadn't let the doctor do that, I would have been in constant pain for the rest of my life, and not just the ache of mending bone and tendons, but ongoing, debilitating pain.

The decision to leave AXH was a little painful. When I DID leave, it hurt a little more. When it finally sunk in for me that I left and he wasn't changing, it hurt a lot. I still find surprise in days of: Oh, my. Today was a good day.

As far as your A not responding, Krys, maybe it's the same as it was with AXH. IDK. With AXH, he pretty much did not believe that I truly meant to leave; then he thought he could eventually find a way to make me take him back. It's when it finally sunk in for him that I was gone and had no intention of coming back, that I started to see some emotional backlash from him.

Hang in there.

onajourney

Uncertainty, relate to your anology, time has healed the pain in ways and i can walk again in my journey, the days of "oh this is a good day" are increasing and last week my sis asked "why dont you still talk to us about him". i honestly realised i had thought about him and his needs less and me and me DD needs more. i have lived minute to minute, then hour to hour etc, time helps and look after you, you deserve it.
when i left it hurt he didnt fight for me, had a one line email. I love you, he loves his bottle more and still does. i am learning to love me, hope you do too(((((hugs))))