Krys

I went home after staying at my moms house to finally have the talk. I told him what I needed and he said he wouldn't do it. His exact words were "You need me to change...I don't need me to change, I like me." 7 years and he didn't fight for me, he just let me walk out. I am in peices and I fell to peices on him. I apologized (in the middle of our last hug) for my part in things and he said "You have nothing to be sorry about, you are the best person I know and you didn't do anything wrong." I feel like I am making a huge mistake, this why I chose to live in silence for so long...this pain is unbearable. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I just want it to stop.

Pelican

Big (((hugs)))

I know you are hurting.

inpieces314

I know it is hard right now, but at least you said what you needed to say. He respects you for that, and eventually you will come to respect yourself for it.

Also, at least he was honest with you as well. It is a shame (I can't think of anything else) that he took 7 years to admit it to you, but at least he didn't waste your time by lying to you and saying that he knows he needs to change and he will, or something to that effect. It may have been 7 years, but at least it wasn't 17.

It will get better. Maybe he does need to lose you to realize what he is doing. You definitely deserve better.

Krys

The fact that I bawled like a baby all over his shirt while he held me and didn't shed a tear is killing me. Maybe he had enough just like I did, but to just let me walk out...I feel like my heart is literally in a thousand peices. Thank you for listening, I knew it would hurt I just didn't know it would feel this bad.

Marytherboo

If you play your cards right, you never, ever have to feel this awful again. Big hugs to you...theres nothing fun about it, but you're doing the right thing anyway. That courage will take you far.

wicked

Krys, I understand your pain, you will be fine...because you are feeling your feelings.
Crying, talking, meetings you will get thru.
But, you have to give up any expectations about him.
Grieve your loss, and leave him to your Higher Power.

Beth

Impurrfect

(((Krys))) - it does hurt when someone you love just lets you walk, rather than do anything different. It doesn't hurt forever, though, sweetie. I've been through it a couple of times (didn't learn my lesson the first time).

Big hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

You loved him to the point of obessive unhealthy love...he loves alcohol to the point of obsessive unhealthy love.

You cannot ever be #1 when addiction is in the picture, without total soberity and a strong recovery program...for life...there is no future with him.

I know how difficult your decision has been...yet, you hold the key to your future happiness in the palm of your hand...put the key in the lock of the new door and move forward...for a a life of peace and fullfillment.

justrae83

Trust me, I know what u are going through!! I am on month 3 when I walked out and I balled and cried Anf cried! You know what he said after 6 years of living together and love and sacrifice? " Rae, you are bringing this pain on yourself, if you would of fought harder i would of loved you more and not had to find another women." I cried Anf told him I hated him but loved him cuz he broke me heart "he said once avian remember this is all your fault and now you can never have me back"

Sigh... Unfourtunatky addicts are sooooo cold and selfish, there minds are mush Anf incapable of real love. I still cry everyday but it will get easier! Don't for one second think ur making a mistake. The fact he had no emotion should tell you either he is selfish or thinks your bluffing.

EnglishGarden

I'm sorry you are in so much pain, Krys. I took a look at some of your old posts. Your addict boyfriend has kept you in pain for a long time. Your posts started in 2010.

He has controlled your mind by blaming you for the problems in the relationship and for the misery his addiction is causing. He has had a flirtation with an old girlfriend as a distraction. He is a poly-drug addict--opiates and alcohol--with no recovery. He operates entirely with an addict brain.

The addict brain thinks constantly of only one thing: the drug . Addicts do not have relationships, they do not connect emotionally, they are unwilling to sacrifice for another person, they do not tell the truth to their partners, and they blame everyone and everything but they refuse to take personal responsibility for any aspect of their lives or for their behaviors. They brainwash their loved ones into believing that
if only the loved one were a different person, if only the loved one "got" the addict, if only the loved would accept the addict unconditionally and not be so "controlling" or "needy"....then the addict would be happy and things would be great.

The truth is that the addict does not want you killing his high. And unless you are willing to nail yourself to a cross to do everything his way and be whatever kind of woman he wants you to be, the addict will either leave you or coerce you to leave him.

He will leave you in a way that puffs him up. Addicts always want to look good. So--inwardly relieved that he will no longer have to step around and over you on his way to the needle or the bottle--he will either tell you what a great person you are and sorry you just aren't a match--or he will tell you you are a controlling bi*** and he's tired of all your complaining and he's going to get himself a real woman who loves him for who he is. His sentences will often begin with, "If only you were....."

Either way, you will be cut to the core emotionally.

After he leaves, he will often loop back later, when his narcissistic need to be coddled and admired is calling. He will still be slamming heroin or smoking crack or chugging three liters of jack daniels a day. But he will ask you if you'd like to get back together because, baby, he misses you. You're the only woman for him. It might be three days later or three years later.

If you want him back at that time, then keep your mouth shut about his drugs, his disappearances, his verbal abuse, his flirtations, his cell log, and his constant disappointment in who you are.

Krys, you are living an authentic life. You have had the the courage to face reality and to make healthy, painfully hard choices.

Please know you have character and depth.

The guy who "threw you away" today: he operates with a reptile brain. The brain of an addict. It is not an emotional or spiritual brain. It is purely self-serving.

This is our codependency: when we let an addict with an addict mind, who is living a failed life and violating every principle we hold dear, convince us we just don't measure up to his standards.

For what it's worth, you held the line and that is the best thing you could ever have done for him. You drew a line against the disease that's destroying him. If he ever gets into serious 12 Step recovery, when he hits the amends part, he will be grateful you did not co-sign his destruction.

Krys

Thank you all, I really appreciate your support at this time. I hope you are right, I hope it ends, right now it feels like I am walking around missing a limb. He was my best friend for years...the first person I would call with news, we knew all of each others jokes, failures and achievemnets. Until very recently I never thought I would have to live without him. I can't stop questioning what I have done and thinking I made a huge mistake. Everyone has flaws and what if I just made the biggest mistake of my life. He was the love of my life and my best friend and I know I am contradicting myself...I know I said I couldn't live with his problem anymore, but this is so much more painful than putting up with it. I have literally never felt so sad before, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to leave the house, and tomorrow I have to work a ten hour day feeling like my whole being is an exposed wound. What was wrong with me that I didn't deserve to be fought for, am I that unloveable, that awful to be with that it is so easy to say goodbye??

dollydo

Hon, there is NOTHING wrong with you...you were and will continue to be #2 as his priorty and first love is alcoholic...his addiction has NOTHING to do with you, it is all about him.

If love could stop addiction in its tracks...none of us would be here...you are in a one sided "Love" relationship you love him first and foremost...he loves alcohol...first and foremost..you cannot win this battle, you will never be #1, unless he gets healthy, embraces recovery...for life...no booze forever..and then there are no guarantees, as he might end up being a dry drunk...same behavior as an actice A.

Let him go, you deserve so much more out of life...he is not Mr. Right.

AlcoholicLove

You left an active addict-that is never a mistake.

He is doing what they do best-thinking of him and only him.
It's not YOU, it's HIM.
He might have been the love of YOUR life and YOUR best friend, but you weren't his-ALCOHOL is, and will continue to be-until he gets help or dies....

Trust me I know the pain you're feeling, and I'm so sorry, but you did the RIGHT thing for you. It will get better.....

Krys

Thank you EnglishGarden. Your reply really hit home. I needed to hear that, living through the pain is excrutiating, maybe this is why they become addicts. I know it took courage to do this, and that it could be great for me down the line, but I don't feel courageous in this moment, I feel like a failure. I really hope that starts to get better soon. It doesn't help that I have to go back to our apartment two more times this week. Once to pack up and one more time with my brother and brother in law to move the heavy stuff. I don't want to go back, I don't want to see the place where we built a life for 6 years it is too sad. Seeing him there will be torture, I am going to try to do it when he is not home but either way it is going to rip me to shreds to go back. And his son...how do I handle saying goodbye? I can't just leave him, but I won't be seeing him again. I asked Dave if it would be ok if I wrote him a letter and he said yes, but I don't even know where to start.

Krys

In the time it took me to finish my last reply there were two new ones waiting for me. I am so glad I found this place and amazed at how much support I am getting. I don't think you all will ever know how much it means, but I hope one day when I am feeling better I can pay it forward to someone who is feeling this way.

Impurrfect

(((Krys))) - I let the pain of loving an A drive me to addiction. Now, MOST people don't go that far, but I was one sick puppy.

Addiction isn't a "flaw". It's huge. It sucks the life out of the A and can suck the life out of those who love them. I've been on both sides of that fence, and I am grateful for everyone here with their ES&H.

I tried, half-heartedly, to kill myself 3 times over my FIRST ABF when he told me "don't like it? Leave". Now? I can't see what I even saw in him, recently heard he married, hasn't changed, and I pity his wife but then she was sicker than I was.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

RedCandle

Krys,

When I left, I was weeping and heaving into his shirt...I was shaking violently. And he was ALSO tear-less, stoic, unresponsive.

He just said "I love you." I never thought hearing that phrase would ever HURT.

I've been there. I know how horrible you feel.

Please keep posting! Look how much energy we've gotten out in just one thread....

I still bawl like a baby some times...but I know in my gut there was no future the way things were...

24Years

Good for you that you didn't let this go on any longer. I left my stbxah a year ago after (now) 26 years of marriage. One thing is for certain, the number of years has no bearing on the outcome; he likes his life just the way it is as well.

Be gentle on yourself, and fill your surroundings with positive and good things. After all, that is what you deserve

24Years

Sorry, double post.

Zoenob

The same thing happened with me. Mine could barely stomach touching me because he thought I was psycho when I broke down and wailed. This just solidified how crazy and unstable I was in his eyes. Didn't occur to him that he was the one that made me crazy. The fact that mine was repulsed when I was crying hysterically showed how this disease robbed him of feelings, empathy, compassion, and humanity. By the way, he had been sober for 5 weeks. A week later he was texting me how wonderful I was and what a wonderful girlfriend I was. Huh?