mayalewiston

Hi All -
To those of you that know my story, you know I have moved out of home with AH a few weeks ago... went through a really dark period, and have really been happy and turned it around for the last 2-3 weeks. Anyhow, I'm disappointed in myself that I have let AH get to me once again.

Long story short, we have had minimal contact (we can't go NC as we still share finances / own a business / etc - I'm working on separating this out but it won't be overnight), but I allowed him to get to me over the weekend.

I received an email and phone message from him yesterday about him "being done not doing anything to save our marriage for fear it will be the wrong thing... wants to talk... to call him anytime today (this was yesterday), etc" So, I called him back a couple of hours later - not expecting or even wanting anything, but out of courtesy as I know how much it used to irritate me when he wouldn't call me back. Of course he doesn't answer... which honestly shouldn't have annoyed me but did. After going on his soapbox about wanting to save the marriage, etc... I don't know... one might think you would actually answer the phone when your wife calls? Four hours later he calls me back... but couldn't talk then... was meeting a friend to look at apartments (and drink). Just wanted to give me a "courtesy call" basically to let me know that "today = not good to chat, but maybe tomorrow?" I got really upset with him (I know... EXPECT NOTHING... I'm getting there) and said that if something more important had come up than the monologue about saving the marriage he had given hours before, to forget it, speak now or forever hold his peace. He then went nuts on me about he can't be "on call 24/7 for me, will share his Outlook calendar with me going forward (sarcastically) so I can know when he is avail every second, etc" I told him I didn't need his calendar... he had told me earlier he wanted to chat anytime today. It did not end well. I then had to speak to him this morning as we are having an open house at our house (where he is living) to ensure he got there to get it unlocked by 12p, etc... and he went crazy on me stating that he "hates me for marrying him since I don't love the person that he is, and I only loved the person I wanted him to be, I treated him like crap for 6 years, He is doing just fine now socially drinking having a GREAT time, was so miserable in this relationship because he kept trying to fit into this "little box" I wanted him to be in, my crazy high expectations, etc"

As I've gotten some clarity from being out of this relationship for a few weeks, I've realized not only were my expectations not "high" for him... they were pathetically low! This "little box" really just consisted of being an honest, responsible, member of society - NOTHING else! Do most A's see the world that way? They think it is just so crazy / suffocating to be a decent human being?

Also, did anyone else go through the A's crazy anger stage after the A realized it may be over? I'd gotten a lot of quacking about change (rehab, etc) with no real action of course, and I feel like now that he thinks that isn's working, it's time to be an angry, bitter, a-hole and blame me once again! (All of this of course days after he "realized he ruined everything, etc"

Ugh... need to get off the merry-go-round, I know...

Thanks for reading...

Marytherboo

Sounds like he has no interest in changing anything on his end, but lots of interest in having you back in your old role of enabler, sacrificing yourself on the altar of his addiction.

Good for you for recognizing what's going on! I think it's okay to slip up and make mistakes along the way--those are our learning opportunities, the experiences that teach us how out of balance we really are and how profound the work is that we need to do.

You just got a great reminder of why you're so much happier on your own!

Hugs,
Mary

fourmaggie

i agree with above^^..seems to be that HE does not want to change..but everything around HIM is changing and he now knows he cant stop it....this would be normal for him to be in a typical temper tantrum...i am surprised that he has not done any shift blaming..or maybe already done that?...

just remember the booze is still #1 in his books....

mayalewiston

Oh yes, we are back to that part of the cycle. He started with that when I left a few weeks ago, and then went through a period of quacking about changing, but now that the quacking is not working, today I was told:

-I have treated him like crap for past 6 years and that's why we are here
-I make him feel like he is "not a good person"
-He is FINE socially drinking now and doesn't have a problem. The stress of ME is what caused his overindulgence... all is well now. (apparently this is his way of "working on his drinking")
-I tried to put him in a "little box" that he just couldn't live in anymore

Katiekate

Quackity quack quack.

:

celticgenes

As I read the beginning of your post, I was thinking QUACK, QUACK, QUACK. Made me smile when you refered to the quacking yourself. Let it go, let him go. You are acting sanely. I must also contact the AXF re: property issues, but I will no longer communicate with him verbally, and exceedingly minimally by typed means. I really think before contacting him-is it absolutely necessary for me to contact him now, or is it my part of the illness keeping the connection alive?

Got a call from a friend, and email from my accountant. They both heard the same quackfest from the XAF. I love her so much, if we just got married everything would smooth out. My accountant stated he was roaring drunk when he called. Living on the river DENIAL.

Go as low contact as you can manage, you sound like you have good instincts. Good luck!

mayalewiston

So funny you mention that, as in the few weeks before I left, AH (actually let's start referring to him as STBXAH!) actually told me that he thought if we had kids that would be what he needed to really clean his act up and be responsible.... OOOMMMGGGG!!! I actually think I laughed in his face. :rotfxko

Oh, and yes I heard the marriage thing too after calling our engagement off more than once... as you can see, that worked out really well for me

Adventure

They are all the flippin same, it's unbelievable. My AH swears that this will solve everything. He's obviously forgotten that certain "activities" need to happen for this - he's not capable, and I couldn't think of anything worse! Not only that but his mother (also a long-time alcoholic) and sister (who has her own issues) regularly say the same thing to me. Well, when I say regularly, I mean whenever I see them, which thanks to my avoidance techniques is almost never!

tabatha

Yes we all have such 'crazy' high expectations that we actually have the nerve to expect someone not to be a drunk. How dare we??? Crazy talk from the alcoholic for sure. I swear some of them should wear a sign around their neck that says "Don't ever expect me to change because I won't-not for you or anyone. Take me the way I am or don't take me at all because I will not compromise and I will not give up anything."

nodaybut2day

Oh poor little boy. What a victim he is. Sounds like he needs a really TINY violin to play his sad sad tune.

fourmaggie

^^^OMG! that is too much to bare!!! LMAO...

SoaringSpirits

Our poor alcoholics, now that we are not there to be the center of their blaming universe, they actually have to figure out something/someone else to blame. And they are MAD because we are not there to be their whipping boy.

I'm glad you are getting clear of him. You are young and have so much to look forward to without this craziness. I know it's really painful and tough. Keep caring for yourself, and know you are not alone in all this.