NikNox

Hi all,

Gosh I'm so mad right now, with SD's mother. I really really want to text her and say horrible things, but I wont. She let SD down again at the weekend, failing to turn up for a promised visit (she was 'ill' apparently, but not too ill to have SD's half sibling over). She actually spoke to my husband on Friday evening, to say she wouldn't be over cos she had no money. He approached SD's difficulties with her and told her SD was having counselling. She said 'what on earth is she having counselling for?' and my husband told her it was because of her and her 'disease', and how it's affected SD. She tried to deny there were any issues, until he pointed out that SD wouldn't have left her if there weren't. Then she admitted to having 'had' problems in the past, but now she was getting her life together. He said 'so you're teetotal then are you?' which she declined to answer, one way or the other. He told her she had a lot to answer for, that their daughter's difficulties were down to her and SD's life with her. She told him he was talking 'rubbish', but she's not gonna admit anything is she?

SD has had a very innocent boyfriend since Christmas. Lovely boy, very sweet. Anyway, today he dumped her and she's been in bits bless her. She said it's because he finds her too intense sometimes, that he can't understand her emotions. She said she does cry in front of him sometimes, because of what her mum's done to her over the years, and because of how her mum treats her now (not visiting or phoning her regularly) and she said he finds it difficult to understand her, but that she cannot help how she is. She blames her mum, and I have to say so do I. I know she's only 13, but are relationships going to be difficult for her in the future because she has so many issues? She won't be seeing her school counsellor for 2 weeks because of the Easter holidays either, which probably doesn't help. I just am so worried that her mother's alcoholism will affect her life always, and will affect her relationships, and that is SO not fair

Tuffgirl

I do think her childhood will effect her throughout her life, if she lets it. I know the stuff I dealt with in my childhood, and it was a pretty idyllic childhood, have been things I've needed to work on as I get older. I think that's pretty normal.

But she's only 13 now, and growing up in the world today is hard. Add to that a sense of abandonment by her Mom, a broken heart, and being generally hormonal...well...I can only say to give her lots of love and consistency. She may not have a strong Mom in the picture, but she has a strong Step Mom who is looking out for her. Keep it up! ; )

Pelican

Go punch some pillows and curse. Just get the anger out in healthy ways that will not bring harm to others.

After a few deep breaths, re-evaluate this situation.

A 13 yo girl gets dumped by a 13 yo boy.
They are both young and immature, which is normal.
He is no longer into her - for whatever reason. He tells her it is because she is emotional and intense. STOP THE TRAIN!

An emotionally immature boy just told your SD that he is ending the relationship because she is intense and emotional? Did anyone really expect him to be able to handle, fix or cure her intensity/emotions at the age of 13? I don't want to call this blame shifting - because he really isn't expected to be mature enough to handle a partner that has strong emotions, but the boy did blame her issues for causing the breakup AND SHE ACCEPTED THE BLAME.

She is 13. She is emotional and she may be intense. These are not problems, they are part of who she is while she develops and matures. She does not deserve to think she isn't relationship material because of the immaturity of one lovely, sweet boy.

Please continue to make counseling an option for her. I hope the counselor has addiction experience as well. Just because she was exposed to a toxic parental relationship - does not mean it has to define her future and her entire life. She can overcome and equip herself with the right tools and guidance.

I have a book that helped me understand the dynamics of growing up in an alcoholic environment and how it manifests itself into future relationship of the child into adulthood. The book is "It Will Never Happen to Me, Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, Adults"

NikNox

Thanks. For putting it into perspective. You're right, just being 13 and female is enough, without having an alcoholic mother adding to the mix. This is all a learning curve for me too, as the mum of 2 boys who didn't seem to suffer outwardly from any teenage angst or emotional heartache! She does recognize that she's too intense, and said she wishes she wasn't, but that's probably something a lot of teenage girls are. Unfortunately, her only positive influence of relationships is the one her dad and I have, which fortunately she is now living within. When she lived with mum, she was subjected to 3 concurrent very dysfunctional relationships, with mums live-in boyfriends, who were physically abusive towards mum, which she witnessed many times, so mums 'role modelling' as far as relationships are concerned hasn't exactly been normal or healthy.

I'm not sure if her counsellor has had any addiction training as she's the school counsellor. I think we will look into more specific counselling for her, and I will check out that book too.

Chocolate has helped today, as well as lots of cuddles.

laurie6781

I know that Alateen is in the UK, so you might want to check with the local AA office or just call the number for AA in your phone book.

If there is an Alateen meeting or two a week in your area, it might be an idea to allow SD to go. There she would find 'peers' that will fully understand what is going on with her and will have either been where she is or be where she is now.

Alateen has helped many many teenagers with alcoholic family members.

It sounds, however, like you and hubby are giving SD a GREAT STABLE home and lots of love which is so important at this age!

Love and hugs,

NikNox

Thank you. Unfortunately there is no Alateen local to us. The nearest is 80 miles away. We did take her to Al-Anon, which was good, but the average age was 50!

She actually wants to set up a group at school for kids of addicted parents, which we are so proud of her for.

SearchSerenity

I'm really glad that you are there for her. Growing up during this messy time can be quite emotional for anyone. I would def keep her in counseling and look into alateen. I wish I would have known about alateen when I was growing up. thoughts and prayers to you both.