LifeRecovery

I learned that my only responsibility in life is to take care of myself.

I also learned that I needed the relationship with a problem drinker. My problems and what attracted me to that relationship were there before he was. I am in charge of my own healing and well being.

The lessons were HARD (and often continue to be). I don't always like the lessons (or the teacher), but I am grateful for the capability to learn. I am hoping to not repeat these lessons.

BuffaloGal

Things are what they are. People are who they are. The sooner you get used to it, the less suffering you'll have to go through.

AlcoholicLove

1. Alcoholics are only 1 drink away from a relapse.
2. Alcoholics lie about everything, in order to get what they want.
3. No one matters to them, but themselves.
4. The Serenity Prayer is my friend.
5. I needed to learn to worry more about me, less about him.
5. I will NEVER be in another relationship with one-not even as friends.
6. NOTHING CHANGES UNLESS SOMETHING CHANGES.

fhl41

I learned to love myself enough to walk away.

FindingJoy

I learned that I'm still learning every day.

dollydo

Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Keep my bounderies in place, don't back down.
Don't love someone who is incapable of loving you back.
When the fat lady sings...it's really over.

feelingalone43

I now know that peace comes not from the absence of conflict in life, but from the ability to cope with it. I have set my boundaries, work on my own health and happiness, and let the rest take care of itself.

I am not his mother, nor do I want to be. I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

TD252

Just because an addict quits using, doesn't mean their actions will change.

Tuffgirl

Great responses so far, thanks all!

The first thing that came to my mind was this above. How much time I spent wishing and hoping he would just.quit.drinking.

That didn't change much.

justrae83

I have only been broken up from my EXAB for 3 months and I have already learned soooo much even though i still struggle everyday with the broken heart he left me with.

1. If they tell you they will "change", remember that past behaviour determins future behaviour.
2. Expect addicts to always lie and blame you for everything wrong in there lives
3. Addicts are self seeking people who will do whatever it takes to get what they want, even take from you
4. They are incapable of the type of love that I need and dont settle for anything less then I deserve.
5. I learned all the red flags that i missed in the beginning so that this will never happen again I WILL NOT GET INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER ADDICT!
6. Never put more into the relationship then your willing to lose becuase ALL PEOPLE are flawed and in broken in some sense, addicts are more likly to brake your heart.
7. The addict will always choose there addictions over you when there using
8. I know know the true meaning of "enabler" and "co-dependent"
9. Just becuase I let him go due to addictions DOES NOT MEAN I ABANDONED HIM, it just means I loved myself more.
10. Last but not least, you can love an addict enough to help them but they can only want to help themselves.

StarCat

I am a whole person, by myself, if I accept myself as such.

fedup3

I realized I have choices and that it belonged to me and no one else.

djayr

Don't think that "if only they stopped drinking, then everything will be fixed". Relapse will always be at the doorstep, and things can go from zero to sixty and straight back to zero again -- as quickly as they can say "pass the vodka".

That first drink after a period of sobriety, be it months or years, HAS ALWAYS been the start of an extended period of daily drinking lasting months or years. One drink, and it's back, and no amount of begging, pleading, convincing, threatening, will get them to stop.

Maybe that's the main lesson: don't expect them to stop drinking. They can't, or they won't, in the end it doesn't matter.

It is possible to love an alcoholic by looking at the "real" person they are, but they will drive you INSANE by killing themselves anyway, right before your eyes, one drink at a time.

Never think that something you do will get them to stop drinking -- getting sober yourself, moving out, getting legally separated, separate bedroom -- they just won't stop. Ever. And if they do, one drink, and they'll be heading straight down the toilet all over again.

Words like merry go round, roller coaster, 3 ring circus -- that is life with an alcoholic.

It is very hard to escape an alcoholic. I am jealous of people who just cut it off and walked away. My AW is too nice and sweet "underneath" and she continually draws me in, because I care.

Lord help us all.

m1k3

It's not really a broken heart, it just feels different now without that big ole nasty cyst attached to it anymore.

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

Sometimes that is the best way of looking at it all! ; )

Tuffgirl

Sometimes that is the best way of looking at it all! ; )

Terminally Unique

I'll offer a bit of insight, because I know people can spend years in couples counseling or family therapy, and they will never tell you this. When an addicted person quits drinking, their addiction is still alive and kicking to a large extent. It will still see anyone who 'got in the way' of drinking, or 'forced' them to quit as the enemy for a while. To use myself as an example, my family thought about me quitting drinking long before I did, and they even told me to quit, and tried various ways to slow me down.

Eventually, I decided I had to quit, and I did. Interestingly, even though it was, by then, my own idea, part of me still resented the family. It was more of a feeling than any conscious thought on my part. I would look at them, and it was almost like the hairs on my neck stood up. If I disappeared for a while, they would (naturally) assume I was out drinking, and that really made me fume. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, but I eventually realized that my addiction was trying to get me to see them as insufferable nags.

Once I realized this, I was able to shift back and forth between how my addiction saw the family (bad) versus how I saw them (good). This awareness more or less took care of the problem for me, as I was able to recognize it on the spot and ignore it. The next time they were suspicious, I simply said "I know I made you all suspicious, and it is unreasonable for me to expect that to change overnight. Frankly, you are correct to be suspicious at this point, and to not believe that I won't drink again. It is, however, my responsibility to try and correct this, and I don't want you to live with uncertainty."

To that end, I had an attorney draft up an agreement stating that if I ever drink again, or otherwise use some other non-prescribed drug, I forfeit any and all claims to the house, car, bank accounts, pets, retirement plans, and a few other things, and will move out within the week. I had it signed and notarized, and told my family to keep a copy should they ever need to use it, with assurances that such a day will never come. I suspect that they still doubted me for quite a while to some extent, but they never brought it up again.

lillamy

Addiction is a disease.
I was incredulous when the last DSM included "alcoholism" as a mental illness.
I had the hardest time accepting addiction as disease.
But that quote above sort of speaks to me. That's what I see in my AXH. Very similar to what I see in people with eating disorders. It's like they get devoured by the disease.

I thought if I accepted that addiction was a disease, I had to stay with my alcoholic.
I learned that I had an absolute right to protect myself and my children from the symptoms of a person with this disease.

Terminally Unique

Absolutely!

Jazzman

Get a prenup.