I need serious help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 18
This is very hard. He told me he wants treatment for himself b/c he is sick of feeling numb and having no emotions to life. He does not drink when I am in town and I do not think that he will if I move there. As hurt as I am, I cannot detach myself from him. I want to be there. I want to hug and kiss him. I want to move there and move on with our lives. How could this be so difficult? 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: SERENITY
Posts: 58
Quote:
What Addicts Do
My name's _________
I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my using that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
What Addicts Do
My name's _________
I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my using that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
He makes his choice and you make yours. I think you have already!
It will get worse and be unpleasant. He is lucky to have you. You wil need support and mistake or no mistake he has to take responsibility.
John.
It will get worse and be unpleasant. He is lucky to have you. You wil need support and mistake or no mistake he has to take responsibility.
John.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I want to move there and move on with our lives. How could this be so difficult?
I can best describe my life with my alcoholic wife as living hell and it just kept getting worse and worse. I finally managed to leave when I found this site, she went on a 5 day black out binge (lots of fun there) and I found myself laying in bed one night thinking about how great it will be when I'm dead and I don't have to deal with this anymore.
I managed to climb out of that pit with a lot of help from the good people here and at al-anon.
I can't begin to describe the pain and heartache of watching someone you love slowly kill themselves and then cursing you for trying to help them. The lies, the broken promises, the relapses. Even when you think they aren't drinking your always on the look out for hidden bottles, are they really sick or is that drunk, finding out they aren't drinking because they are now taking Xanax or Ambien or who knows what. The announcement of I'm doing better I'd like to start drinking again. Always waiting for the next thing to go wrong.
It is a life I will NEVER go back to. But that is just my experience.
BTW, have you noticed any "Me and my alcoholic are doing great
" threads? I haven't.Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
The fact is, because you have unhealed love programs within yourself going on, you will only instantly attract (and be attracted to) the perfect person to bring you enough pain to make these unhealed parts conscious enough for you to heal… and the chances of him being your life partner are incredibly slim, because that is not his purpose if you chose his as an Instant Relationship.
If you are conscious and healed enough you would not have to go through the healing lesson (pain) of this relationship. And the reason is because you’d apply mindfulness and take your time, see the ‘cracks’ and not get involved regardless of the level of chemical/ physical attraction you feel.
It’s easy to understand (and humbly admit) if we weren’t at a level of healthiness within ourself yet, when we decided to go for and stay in this relationship.
If we are really honest with ourselves, we can admit there were things that weren’t right that showed up early. Early on in the ‘loved up stage’ together, he was arrogant to a waitress, or he stated how angry he was that ex-wife played up on him, or you saw him oogling a woman in the restaurant when you walked back from the toilet…
Yet you ignore the signs because the decision He Is The One was already made.
We wanted to believe that finally The One that we have been waiting for all of our life has come into our world, so we live the illusion, despite any warning signs, or lack of information about this person’s character, past , or values and choices in life, and we steam ahead at full throttle towards the inevitable disaster coming up in the future.
As time progressed things worsen. The relationship suffers problems. All of a sudden, the connection feels missing, he doesn’t seem as attentive, or in love, or he starts being harsh, critical or even abusive. The dream is now under stress, and is not shaping up the way you believed it was meant to be.
The fear of losing The One Who Has Finally Arrived To Make My Life Complete and The Dream of My Incredible Life I Am Destined To Have With Him is triggered powerfully. The shattering of the illusion is not an option when we believe there is no other option than, we have to make it work with ‘The One’.
We think , “I’ll probably never meet anyone I love so much again – look how long it took for this man to enter my life…”
Boy those pulls of pain, intense longing and the fear of loss are powerful…
And of course, when we don’t know better, they feel like ‘love’.
Whereas, in truth these are feelings of addiction, co-dependency, obsession, and incredibly unhealthy love that was never formed on a healthy platform or foundation to start with…
If you believe “love conquers all.” look around you at the real life evidence that exists everywhere (as well as your own painful experiences) and ask yourself How on earth can I believe that myth? And: Is me wanting desperately to believe that myth serving me?
If you are conscious and healed enough you would not have to go through the healing lesson (pain) of this relationship. And the reason is because you’d apply mindfulness and take your time, see the ‘cracks’ and not get involved regardless of the level of chemical/ physical attraction you feel.
It’s easy to understand (and humbly admit) if we weren’t at a level of healthiness within ourself yet, when we decided to go for and stay in this relationship.
If we are really honest with ourselves, we can admit there were things that weren’t right that showed up early. Early on in the ‘loved up stage’ together, he was arrogant to a waitress, or he stated how angry he was that ex-wife played up on him, or you saw him oogling a woman in the restaurant when you walked back from the toilet…
Yet you ignore the signs because the decision He Is The One was already made.
We wanted to believe that finally The One that we have been waiting for all of our life has come into our world, so we live the illusion, despite any warning signs, or lack of information about this person’s character, past , or values and choices in life, and we steam ahead at full throttle towards the inevitable disaster coming up in the future.
As time progressed things worsen. The relationship suffers problems. All of a sudden, the connection feels missing, he doesn’t seem as attentive, or in love, or he starts being harsh, critical or even abusive. The dream is now under stress, and is not shaping up the way you believed it was meant to be.
The fear of losing The One Who Has Finally Arrived To Make My Life Complete and The Dream of My Incredible Life I Am Destined To Have With Him is triggered powerfully. The shattering of the illusion is not an option when we believe there is no other option than, we have to make it work with ‘The One’.
We think , “I’ll probably never meet anyone I love so much again – look how long it took for this man to enter my life…”
Boy those pulls of pain, intense longing and the fear of loss are powerful…
And of course, when we don’t know better, they feel like ‘love’.
Whereas, in truth these are feelings of addiction, co-dependency, obsession, and incredibly unhealthy love that was never formed on a healthy platform or foundation to start with…
If you believe “love conquers all.” look around you at the real life evidence that exists everywhere (as well as your own painful experiences) and ask yourself How on earth can I believe that myth? And: Is me wanting desperately to believe that myth serving me?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
He doesn't drink when you are in town. How do you know? Alcoholics hide their booze everywhere, and vodka is the perfect mixer for sodas, juice, even water. They will hide it on top of kitchen cabinets, in the air conditioning vents, IN the car doors, even in the mouthwash bottle, in the couch cushions, behind the curtains, in a pile of leaves outside.
When you are with him, does he seem to constantly go to one certain area of the house? He is not going to stop drinking just because you are there, he will just hide it better. And it is easier for an addict to "behave" a few days a month than 24/7.Telling you he will go to meetings 3 times a week is just something to appease you, he has no way of knowing right now how often he will need to attend to help him on the path to sober.
Another thought is that there is a good chance he may be an abuser, and I mean to you. Addicts always abuse their partners one way or another. Either emotionally or physically, or both, it will happen. And to me it sounds like he is starting to abuse you already. He is using guilt to get you to move somewhere that you don't have any friends or family. He will get to have you all to yourself. You will have no where to turn if things get ugly. If he is sincere in his love for you, he will not want you to be hurt by him and he, and he alone, will do what is necessary to get his life straightened out. You are very young, don't become old before your time by being used by an alcoholic. It takes a lot out of you and ages you beyond belief. Stay strong and do what is right for YOU, listen to your gut instinct. If you were meant to be together, you will be when HE is ready to be an equal partner in your relationship. Hugs and good thoughts sent your way.
When you are with him, does he seem to constantly go to one certain area of the house? He is not going to stop drinking just because you are there, he will just hide it better. And it is easier for an addict to "behave" a few days a month than 24/7.Telling you he will go to meetings 3 times a week is just something to appease you, he has no way of knowing right now how often he will need to attend to help him on the path to sober.
Another thought is that there is a good chance he may be an abuser, and I mean to you. Addicts always abuse their partners one way or another. Either emotionally or physically, or both, it will happen. And to me it sounds like he is starting to abuse you already. He is using guilt to get you to move somewhere that you don't have any friends or family. He will get to have you all to yourself. You will have no where to turn if things get ugly. If he is sincere in his love for you, he will not want you to be hurt by him and he, and he alone, will do what is necessary to get his life straightened out. You are very young, don't become old before your time by being used by an alcoholic. It takes a lot out of you and ages you beyond belief. Stay strong and do what is right for YOU, listen to your gut instinct. If you were meant to be together, you will be when HE is ready to be an equal partner in your relationship. Hugs and good thoughts sent your way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Asking it sounds like you made up your mind already. Well, fasten you seatbelt and get ready for a ride of a lifetime. There will be so many ups and downs that soon you won't know if you're coming or going. You will get to a point you won't know who you are or how you even ended up where you're at, you'll soon become a detective, spying on his every move because trust won't be there at all. You'll always be reaching for something that just isn't there.
Please give yourself time to really think this through, you deserve it.
Please give yourself time to really think this through, you deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Alcohol is a depressant, if he's actively drinking, or has been drinking for a very long time, of course he's going to be depressed.
His cheating...: I believe that alcohol simply removes inhibitions and gives a person a convenient excuse to do what they want to do - it doesn't make them do something they don't want (at least on some level) to do. A (personal) theory on the subject: An alcoholic changes, just like all people do, as they move through life. However, their fall-back coping mechanism when things don't go as they like is alcohol. They continue to grow and learn, but it's through the filter of alcoholism. It doesn't make them people they're not, but alcohol magnifies certain traits and lets those traits grow (and not necessarily nice traits because Alcoholism is a selfish b-tch).
With XAH, it's still easier for me to see it all in connection with his GF than when I was the focus of his attention. If I'd listened to my instincts, I would have called BS; but I was in love and my favorite quote was "Le coeur a ses raisons, que la raison non connait point" - by Blaise Pascal. It's easier to see his lies when I'm hearing about them being told to his current GF. "Pfft. That's a load. Why does she believe it?" LOL, I have to admit, well..... I did, too, once upon a time.
Alcoholics drink. It doesn't matter who gets hurt as long as they get that drink. It changes as the disease progresses: XAH was a master at hiding that he drank. Then at how much he'd had to drink. Finally or somewhere in the mix of the other 2, where he'd hide his bottles.
If an alcoholic could stop drinking because some one they love (even though they admit to feeling numb) is around, this forum probably wouldn't be needed. They can't stop drinking for some one else; they have to stop for themselves.
No matter how much XAH professed to love me - or how much he professes to love this GF or the next.... - he COULDN'T stop drinking just because I was around.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
Hang in there, keep reading and posting.
His cheating...: I believe that alcohol simply removes inhibitions and gives a person a convenient excuse to do what they want to do - it doesn't make them do something they don't want (at least on some level) to do. A (personal) theory on the subject: An alcoholic changes, just like all people do, as they move through life. However, their fall-back coping mechanism when things don't go as they like is alcohol. They continue to grow and learn, but it's through the filter of alcoholism. It doesn't make them people they're not, but alcohol magnifies certain traits and lets those traits grow (and not necessarily nice traits because Alcoholism is a selfish b-tch).
With XAH, it's still easier for me to see it all in connection with his GF than when I was the focus of his attention. If I'd listened to my instincts, I would have called BS; but I was in love and my favorite quote was "Le coeur a ses raisons, que la raison non connait point" - by Blaise Pascal. It's easier to see his lies when I'm hearing about them being told to his current GF. "Pfft. That's a load. Why does she believe it?" LOL, I have to admit, well..... I did, too, once upon a time.
He told me he wants treatment for himself b/c he is sick of feeling numb and having no emotions to life. He does not drink when I am in town and I do not think that he will if I move there.
If an alcoholic could stop drinking because some one they love (even though they admit to feeling numb) is around, this forum probably wouldn't be needed. They can't stop drinking for some one else; they have to stop for themselves.
No matter how much XAH professed to love me - or how much he professes to love this GF or the next.... - he COULDN'T stop drinking just because I was around.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
Hang in there, keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did, and what I I'd have done if I'd known.
What I Did:
The first 18 months of our relationship was long distance (as much as that is possible in Ireland!!). We saw each other at weekends, and as we both had fairly active social lives this regularly meant nights out drinking. At the time that was what I did too, so it never bothered me. When I moved to where he is from, I got my own place initially. After we were engaged I wanted him to move in, but he said he preferred not to as it would be nicer for us to have something to look forward to after we got married. I believed him 100% that his motivation was purely romantic - what a fool! Only after we got married, and we began living together did the truth begin to reveal itself. I have now spent five years living with a very active alcoholic, which I can tell you is soul destroying, heart breaking, infuriating, lonely, isolating, and a million other things.
What I'd have done if I'd known what I know now:
I would have run for the hills, faster than my short legs could carry me.
If I had been warned up front, my life would be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. It's like the movie Sliding Doors and is utterly depressing to think about.
I think you probably know the "right" thing to do - you probably wouldn't be here if not. You have taken a big step by coming on here and reaching out for advice. You will not go crazy not having him around. You will be sad and miss him for a while but this too shall pass. On the other hand, you may well and probably will go crazy if you do have him around.
Please don't make the mistake so many of us made and drag yourself through hell. You are so young and can have a wonderful, happy life if you just make this one difficult decision for yourself.
Sorry for the long post, but as you can tell I truly wish I could have been lucky enough to have been warned when so much less was at stake.
Good luck with whichever path you choose - as others have said you will need it if you decide to give him the chance he sounds like he doesn't deserve. And finally, please consider going to Al Anon, and at the very least make sure you continue to read here - this website is new to my life and is incredible!
Adventure
What I Did:
The first 18 months of our relationship was long distance (as much as that is possible in Ireland!!). We saw each other at weekends, and as we both had fairly active social lives this regularly meant nights out drinking. At the time that was what I did too, so it never bothered me. When I moved to where he is from, I got my own place initially. After we were engaged I wanted him to move in, but he said he preferred not to as it would be nicer for us to have something to look forward to after we got married. I believed him 100% that his motivation was purely romantic - what a fool! Only after we got married, and we began living together did the truth begin to reveal itself. I have now spent five years living with a very active alcoholic, which I can tell you is soul destroying, heart breaking, infuriating, lonely, isolating, and a million other things.
What I'd have done if I'd known what I know now:
I would have run for the hills, faster than my short legs could carry me.
- I would have saved myself the sadness of moving away from friends and family.
- I would have saved myself the effort of looking for a new job, and leaving a job that I loved.
- I would have saved myself a lot of money on a wedding/marriage that now is meaningless.
- I would not have established a life for myself, with new friends and colleagues who I will someday probably be separated from again when I have the strength and courage to pack my bags and go.
- I would have saved myself the incredible loneliness and sadness I have felt for almost 5 years now.
- I would not have a mortgage, on land his family sold us (therefore major legal implications if I move on).
- I could go on and on but I hope you're seeing where I'm coming from.
If I had been warned up front, my life would be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. It's like the movie Sliding Doors and is utterly depressing to think about.
I think you probably know the "right" thing to do - you probably wouldn't be here if not. You have taken a big step by coming on here and reaching out for advice. You will not go crazy not having him around. You will be sad and miss him for a while but this too shall pass. On the other hand, you may well and probably will go crazy if you do have him around.
Please don't make the mistake so many of us made and drag yourself through hell. You are so young and can have a wonderful, happy life if you just make this one difficult decision for yourself.
Sorry for the long post, but as you can tell I truly wish I could have been lucky enough to have been warned when so much less was at stake.
Good luck with whichever path you choose - as others have said you will need it if you decide to give him the chance he sounds like he doesn't deserve. And finally, please consider going to Al Anon, and at the very least make sure you continue to read here - this website is new to my life and is incredible!
Adventure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 18
It's very hard to read these stories. My naive self keeps saying he's not like everyone else. He doesn't hide his drinking from me, I don't find him laying around blacked out, he doesn't lie to me about where he's going. I hate, like someone else said, that I love when he's not drinking but I hate when he does drink. And he knows this. A part of me wants to believe that there is hope as he is so young--why can't treatment help someone this young? Is drinking really what his life is going to be and that's it? I have this sad hope that treatment will work as he said he wants it and he is so young. I am attending my first Al-Anon meeting in a few hours I will let you all know how it goes. Thank you for your words of advice, even though I can admit I am not ready to accept what everyone is telling me and I know I am in denial I am still reading and still hoping the answer will eventually come to me and I will know what the best thing for me will be.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you must be feeling. Treatment can absolutely help anyone, of any age, at any time......
....if they are really ready to do the life-long work involved in obtaining and maintaining sobriety.
Will this be true for your boyfriend? None of us can tell you that. Only time will tell. Perhaps time is what he needs to prove that he is truly committed to sobriety.
....if they are really ready to do the life-long work involved in obtaining and maintaining sobriety.
Will this be true for your boyfriend? None of us can tell you that. Only time will tell. Perhaps time is what he needs to prove that he is truly committed to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I can't help thinking that your urgency to move there is because you feel since he doesn't drink when you are visiting that if you're there all the time he won't drink at all. That just by you being there it will stop him from drinking.
Believe me nothing will stop him from drinking if we wants to and no amount of love and attention from you will cure him. I'm glad you're going to a meeting tonight. Let us know how it goes.
Believe me nothing will stop him from drinking if we wants to and no amount of love and attention from you will cure him. I'm glad you're going to a meeting tonight. Let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by AskingForHelp 
He doesn't hide his drinking from me, I don't find him laying around blacked out, he doesn't lie to me about where he's going. ...........
..............A part of me wants to believe that there is hope as he is so young--why can't treatment help someone this young?
..............A part of me wants to believe that there is hope as he is so young--why can't treatment help someone this young?
I'm sure treatment can help plenty of people, and I guess the fact he's even talking about wanting help is something. But you being there or not being there is not going to make any difference to his recovery. Anvilhead previously suggested holding out a year to see if he is serious about getting better which is really worth thinking about.
Hope the Al Anon meeting went well. The meetings are a life-saver for me, and while I'm still only at the start of my recovery journey, I can feel what I learn at my meetings and on here seeping into my life more every day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by AskingForHelp
I hate waking up. When I sleep I don't think about anything. When I wake up, I realize this **** isn't a dream.
Adventure
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by AskingForHelp
It's very hard to read these stories. My naive self keeps saying he's not like everyone else. He doesn't hide his drinking from me, I don't find him laying around blacked out, he doesn't lie to me about where he's going. I hate, like someone else said, that I love when he's not drinking but I hate when he does drink. And he knows this. A part of me wants to believe that there is hope as he is so young--why can't treatment help someone this young? Is drinking really what his life is going to be and that's it? I have this sad hope that treatment will work as he said he wants it and he is so young. I am attending my first Al-Anon meeting in a few hours I will let you all know how it goes. Thank you for your words of advice, even though I can admit I am not ready to accept what everyone is telling me and I know I am in denial I am still reading and still hoping the answer will eventually come to me and I will know what the best thing for me will be.
I have a degree in Psychology and learned about addiction in school. Who better to help cure it than me? Boy, I tried everything. Loving him. Tough loving him. Not loving him. I'd give him a 'talk' to let him know about the anxiety and destruction drinking causes. I got him into different treatments through anger and threats, none of which actually got through because he didn't initiate. I thought I had all the answers - if one method failed I'd try another, until I started Al Anon I realized it was all the wrong approach.
We tend to get into this God complex - this guy I love so much is struggling and hurting - we're ok, so we have the presence of mind to step in and help them along. Only we don't realize it's an illusion. BELIEVE me, it's an illusion. Although the hardest thing to do is to take everyone else's word - when I came here and to Al Anon I still thought I knew better and that his issue wasn't like the others on here. We were different. Until I started to see the pattern of how his behaviours were just about IDENTICAL to hundreds of others. Huge eye-opener.
The reality is that you may have to go through this yourself to first hand see what happens. I don't fault you for it - the feelings of being able to fix it are powerful and intoxicating. What if you never do go and you could have 'made' him better? I'm sure you will drive yourself crazy with that thought. Like the gambler who thinks the next hand will do it. We become addicted to them.
Good luck whatever you do. If you do decide to move ahead, prepare yourself by finding Al Anon and reading all you can about addiction. And keep being here too. At the very least have support as you go down the rabbit hole.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by silkspin
My AH and I met in university, and everyone was drinking so he didn't stand out. Fast forward several years, other's drinking curbed, his didn't. I went through everything you did. He is a great, fun, sociable guy, well educated, interested in learning (educated as a chemical engineer and switched careers into computer programming). Plays sports competitively. And he binge drinks, like the student we used to be and never grew out of. I hoped and hoped, it snuck up on my so subtly. We moved in together. We got married. We had a daughter. Booze was with us every step of the way. He was drunk when he proposed. He was drunk at our wedding. He had a few as my water broke and was barely ok to drive to get me to the hospital. Even though 'daily life' was fairly normal and he didn't drink, the weekend would come and all bets off. Not mean or abusive, usually didn't look so happy that he went down the road, but NOTHING I did stopped it. Maybe curbed it for awhile, but almost 15 years later (and he's only 38 now) it's still with us. 3 years ago I told him to leave and he sought help, and although it's no longer weekly drinking, he's having periodic relapses that are sneaking up again. He hasn't gotten rid of it, he's just clamped it down for the sake of not losing his family, and it's bursting out in places like an overfilled bucket.
I have a degree in Psychology and learned about addiction in school. Who better to help cure it than me? Boy, I tried everything. Loving him. Tough loving him. Not loving him. I'd give him a 'talk' to let him know about the anxiety and destruction drinking causes. I got him into different treatments through anger and threats, none of which actually got through because he didn't initiate. I thought I had all the answers - if one method failed I'd try another, until I started Al Anon I realized it was all the wrong approach.
We tend to get into this God complex - this guy I love so much is struggling and hurting - we're ok, so we have the presence of mind to step in and help them along. Only we don't realize it's an illusion. BELIEVE me, it's an illusion. Although the hardest thing to do is to take everyone else's word - when I came here and to Al Anon I still thought I knew better and that his issue wasn't like the others on here. We were different. Until I started to see the pattern of how his behaviours were just about IDENTICAL to hundreds of others. Huge eye-opener.
The reality is that you may have to go through this yourself to first hand see what happens. I don't fault you for it - the feelings of being able to fix it are powerful and intoxicating. What if you never do go and you could have 'made' him better? I'm sure you will drive yourself crazy with that thought. Like the gambler who thinks the next hand will do it. We become addicted to them.
Good luck whatever you do. If you do decide to move ahead, prepare yourself by finding Al Anon and reading all you can about addiction. And keep being here too. At the very least have support as you go down the rabbit hole.
I have a degree in Psychology and learned about addiction in school. Who better to help cure it than me? Boy, I tried everything. Loving him. Tough loving him. Not loving him. I'd give him a 'talk' to let him know about the anxiety and destruction drinking causes. I got him into different treatments through anger and threats, none of which actually got through because he didn't initiate. I thought I had all the answers - if one method failed I'd try another, until I started Al Anon I realized it was all the wrong approach.
We tend to get into this God complex - this guy I love so much is struggling and hurting - we're ok, so we have the presence of mind to step in and help them along. Only we don't realize it's an illusion. BELIEVE me, it's an illusion. Although the hardest thing to do is to take everyone else's word - when I came here and to Al Anon I still thought I knew better and that his issue wasn't like the others on here. We were different. Until I started to see the pattern of how his behaviours were just about IDENTICAL to hundreds of others. Huge eye-opener.
The reality is that you may have to go through this yourself to first hand see what happens. I don't fault you for it - the feelings of being able to fix it are powerful and intoxicating. What if you never do go and you could have 'made' him better? I'm sure you will drive yourself crazy with that thought. Like the gambler who thinks the next hand will do it. We become addicted to them.
Good luck whatever you do. If you do decide to move ahead, prepare yourself by finding Al Anon and reading all you can about addiction. And keep being here too. At the very least have support as you go down the rabbit hole.
I so related to your post! I also studied psychology as a minor in school and had years of counseling and a bit of messiah complex mixed in with being ACOA... perfect storm for Mr. Wonderful who was in real recovery at the time we met.
My subconscious was drawn to the alcoholic within and I jumped in the crazy train for four years and put every ounce of energy into "fixing him".
A chronic relapser I went no contact 6 weeks ago and he jumped a plane for Vegas... he is still there doing what an alcoholic does... drink 24/7.
4 years of my life devoted to his sobriety... how smart was that? He didn't value it... not a bit. He never did... just did what alcoholics do... manipulate and use those around them for his own selfish purposes.
I chose to be blind... over and over again. I wish I had magic pixie dust to sprinkle over all the newcomers so they could see the future clearly early in the game... how much pain they could avoid.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
I agree Hope, it really is an exercise in futility and yet we are as blind to our efforts to help them as they are in their drinking. Blindness all around and we all get sucked down into the vortex.
Asking, I just wanted to add that the guy cheats on you and you find yourself searching the Internet and forums to find some reassurance over your desire to stay with him and move to be even closer. Please consider what this reflects about your own sense of self-worth.
Equally, you are searching for hopeful answers that will also reassure you that the cheating was due to the drinking and he can be absolved. First, ask yourself what you would think about the cheating if he had done it and he didn't have a drinking problem. How would your reaction be different than now? Also ask yourself what you would think about the cheating if he didn't have a problem with booze but was a normal guy who got a bit too drunk one night an cheated. How would you see the situation then? Differently?
You seem to be willing enough to 'justify' the cheating due to him being an alcoholic and willing to move past it and still move to him, and yet unwilling to accept the things we are telling you about other alcoholic traits and tendencies. He cheated because of the booze, but otherwise all the other stuff you can help fix. Please consider this food for thought. You still have hope and that's making you be selective about hearing what you want to hear. There is always a possibility that they will get help, and an equal possibility that they won't. The key to this is that you, essentially, have nothing to do with that decision, and some of the things you feel will work to push the needle in the 'not drinking' direction will actually do the opposite. There's the rub. That's why learning about addiction and codependence is so important; it can help you see through the veil of emotion that is so hard to see through at this point.
Asking, I just wanted to add that the guy cheats on you and you find yourself searching the Internet and forums to find some reassurance over your desire to stay with him and move to be even closer. Please consider what this reflects about your own sense of self-worth.
Equally, you are searching for hopeful answers that will also reassure you that the cheating was due to the drinking and he can be absolved. First, ask yourself what you would think about the cheating if he had done it and he didn't have a drinking problem. How would your reaction be different than now? Also ask yourself what you would think about the cheating if he didn't have a problem with booze but was a normal guy who got a bit too drunk one night an cheated. How would you see the situation then? Differently?
You seem to be willing enough to 'justify' the cheating due to him being an alcoholic and willing to move past it and still move to him, and yet unwilling to accept the things we are telling you about other alcoholic traits and tendencies. He cheated because of the booze, but otherwise all the other stuff you can help fix. Please consider this food for thought. You still have hope and that's making you be selective about hearing what you want to hear. There is always a possibility that they will get help, and an equal possibility that they won't. The key to this is that you, essentially, have nothing to do with that decision, and some of the things you feel will work to push the needle in the 'not drinking' direction will actually do the opposite. There's the rub. That's why learning about addiction and codependence is so important; it can help you see through the veil of emotion that is so hard to see through at this point.
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