EnglishGarden

AskingforHelp,

I know you are longing to be with him again and there is a strong likelihood you will move there and give it a chance. I say that because most people don't make choices based on other people's relationship histories and other people's life experiences. We usually make choices based on what we have learned ourselves in our own lives with our own experiences.

So, just pack a recovery suitcase if you do decide to move there and give it a go. The Al-Anon meeting you attend today should be the first of 52 (one meeting per week for at least a year). You should find a counselor the minute you land in the new town and go faithfully once a week for at least 6 months. You should find your own trustworthy friends and be with a friend at least once a week. SR is here every day.

Live separately from him. Never rescue him in any way. Stay connected to the people you leave behind in the old town in case you want to move back.

It is a nightmare for a codependent to move with an alcoholic to a place where she has no support and no friends. He has then complete control of her and believe me, he runs the show. It may be subtle, but it is what happens with alcoholic relationships.

Many of us here, myself included, became very isolated--always emotionally and sometimes physically--because of our intense involvement with an alcoholic. As a result we were at the mercy of the disease. We lost our minds.

Do not be ashamed if you want to give this a go, to try and to see for yourself if you can have a loving, healthy, safe relationship with this man.

And if it does not manifest that way, do not be ashamed to ask for help. Anytime.

Krys

I don't want to sound harsh, but if you were my friend/sister I would tell you to stay where you are. Don't move a muscle. If he is going to get better and needs your support he can get your support on the phone. He needs to do this for himself and since treatment can be intensive, (if he is serious about it) he won't have much free time. Leaving your home, friends and family to be with him leaves YOU without support, and that scares me. You can be there for him, you can love him, but you don't need to put yourself in the middle of the war.

Adventure

I am bowled over by this statement, literally gobsmacked at its accuracy. I never thought of it this way, and it is so true. Thanks silkspin....

celticgenes

Run!

lovemybaby

I would stay put and work on the issues seperatly. I have been with a abf for 3 years and we now have a baby girl and trust me it is tough to deal with all the issues together. The abf seems to go through alot and in the 4 months i have been on here he is only 30 days sober. Not saying give up the relationship but you have a chance to keep the distance as a added security for yourself. I wish i could of protected myself form it but as i have been packing to move to a bigger place i have come across bottles stashed everywhere and when i tell him he cant even remember putting them there. That is how terrible the addiction is cuz he was so busy hiding his drinking from me but he was a walking vodka bottle reaking of booze he would stash them between the matttress and box spring in the back of the couch behind the tampons box in the bathroom cabniet. it has been a long year for me when where supposably not drinking after i got prego. Well after losing his very good job for what oh drinking at work he finally went back to AA and is working the program. And i am seeing a bit of the man i started dating 3 years ago but when he gets sleepy i atomatically assume to ask have you been drinking until recently. i cant stand the smell of breathe mints, any alcohol and so on. So i suggest to think and figure things out seperately and if he continues on his road your protected but if he seems genuine then your are able to move and be with him when it is a nice time for both of you. Dont go through the things that others have had to indure

SoaringSpirits

Askingforhelp, you are as addicted to him and his drama as he is to booze.