I don't know what to do
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I don't know what to do
Hello,
My name is Jane and I've been with my partner for 5 years. I believe he has drinking problem.
I don't know where to start. Firstly, I'm not certain he does have one. When I point out signs to him he brushes them off and tells me I'm blowing something small way out of proportion. He makes me feel like a killjoy.
- He drinks every night to every second night. Not so he's off his face drunk, but he always has a bottle of beer or a can of bourbon on the go.
- He's a fan of buying drinks and drinking them while cruising around in his car. More than once he's come home and collapsed into bed after driving around, so drunk that I can't wake him. A few weeks ago he drove home drunk from a party and I told him if he ever did it again it would be the end of our relationship. This is the biggest issue for me because he's endangering his life and the lives of others on the road. I've told him this numerous times. I've even gone to the police station and asked if they can take him in for drunk driving if he's just come home. They said they have to catch him in the act and that I should call them when I know he's out doing it. But I only ever know when he gets home. That might make me sound awful but I'm willing to have him prosecuted for drunk driving if it will be enough to shock him out of doing it.
- He gets himself into a tipsy state nearly every evening and I feel so distant from him when I'm completely sober and he's off in lala land. When he's like that we're not in sync; he just wants to listen to music and zone out.
- He goes through alcohol at an alarmingly fast rate. For example, he bought a 6 pack of ciders home two nights ago and we had one each. Then sometime last night he managed to drink the other 4, I have no idea when because I was with him the whole evening. He said I just didn't notice. I don't get it.
And tonight has been the final straw. When I came home he wasn't home. I txted him and asked where he was and he called me to tell me he was driving around. As soon as I heard his voice (he talks way too loud when he's been drinking, almost shouts) I knew he'd had atleast a few. He came home and it turns out he'd been drinking 8% bourbons. Atleast 3. I suspect more.
I've now told him I want him to show me he can go a month without drinking. I want to know he has atleast some control over it. He's digging his heels in and saying I'm being nuts, unfair, ridiculous etc. He says okay if he has to give up alcohol for a month, I have to give up fruit for a month (I love fruit). I said okay, but he just shook his head.
I've said he goes without for a month or we split up. I love him so much but I can't keep living with this. I don't want that in a husband or partner. What happens if I overlook it now and in 15 years time he ends up killing himself from driving drunk one night. I don't want to lose him like that.
God I hate this. He says I'm being manipulative by crying. He says it's a tiny thing he enjoys and I want to take it away from him. I don't want to be some big meanie that controls him, I don't want to be telling him what he can and can't do. He's an adult for christ's sake, he's his own man.
Please give me some advice. Does it sound like he has a problem? Am I overreacting? Am I being too harsh?
My name is Jane and I've been with my partner for 5 years. I believe he has drinking problem.
I don't know where to start. Firstly, I'm not certain he does have one. When I point out signs to him he brushes them off and tells me I'm blowing something small way out of proportion. He makes me feel like a killjoy.
- He drinks every night to every second night. Not so he's off his face drunk, but he always has a bottle of beer or a can of bourbon on the go.
- He's a fan of buying drinks and drinking them while cruising around in his car. More than once he's come home and collapsed into bed after driving around, so drunk that I can't wake him. A few weeks ago he drove home drunk from a party and I told him if he ever did it again it would be the end of our relationship. This is the biggest issue for me because he's endangering his life and the lives of others on the road. I've told him this numerous times. I've even gone to the police station and asked if they can take him in for drunk driving if he's just come home. They said they have to catch him in the act and that I should call them when I know he's out doing it. But I only ever know when he gets home. That might make me sound awful but I'm willing to have him prosecuted for drunk driving if it will be enough to shock him out of doing it.
- He gets himself into a tipsy state nearly every evening and I feel so distant from him when I'm completely sober and he's off in lala land. When he's like that we're not in sync; he just wants to listen to music and zone out.
- He goes through alcohol at an alarmingly fast rate. For example, he bought a 6 pack of ciders home two nights ago and we had one each. Then sometime last night he managed to drink the other 4, I have no idea when because I was with him the whole evening. He said I just didn't notice. I don't get it.
And tonight has been the final straw. When I came home he wasn't home. I txted him and asked where he was and he called me to tell me he was driving around. As soon as I heard his voice (he talks way too loud when he's been drinking, almost shouts) I knew he'd had atleast a few. He came home and it turns out he'd been drinking 8% bourbons. Atleast 3. I suspect more.
I've now told him I want him to show me he can go a month without drinking. I want to know he has atleast some control over it. He's digging his heels in and saying I'm being nuts, unfair, ridiculous etc. He says okay if he has to give up alcohol for a month, I have to give up fruit for a month (I love fruit). I said okay, but he just shook his head.
I've said he goes without for a month or we split up. I love him so much but I can't keep living with this. I don't want that in a husband or partner. What happens if I overlook it now and in 15 years time he ends up killing himself from driving drunk one night. I don't want to lose him like that.
God I hate this. He says I'm being manipulative by crying. He says it's a tiny thing he enjoys and I want to take it away from him. I don't want to be some big meanie that controls him, I don't want to be telling him what he can and can't do. He's an adult for christ's sake, he's his own man.
Please give me some advice. Does it sound like he has a problem? Am I overreacting? Am I being too harsh?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Once a few years ago his drinking problem came to a head in a really bad way and he admitted that he did have a problem. He toned his drinking way down and arranged to go to an AA meeting, which he didn't end up going to for one reason or another. Things were good for awhile but over the years it's crept back. "Normal" people don't drink most nights during the week, right? Or is it just me being a killjoy like he says? I drink socially when we go out but I don't see the point in drinking at home by yourself on a Wednesday night. You have work the next day. A glass of wine at dinner perhaps, but not bourbon and beer? He just took a phone call for work and he was not up to his usual eloquent standard. I just stared at him while he stumbled his way through the phone call. No client wants to hear that.
Ugh.
********!
Ugh.
********!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I know quite a few people who have a glass of wine or two in the evening at home and stop at that. They don't plan on drinking and riding around in the car. They don't put themselves and other people in jeopardy. They have common sense when it comes to having a drink. Alcoholics have no common sense concerning anything related to their drinking. I would say it's a good chance he is an A or on his way. Even if he isn't an A that fact that his drinking is effecting you and the relationship is cause for concern and you have every right to be concerned about it. The conflict arises when he denies it is a problem. It is for you but not for him. You will need to figure out what you will do from here if when he refuses to stop.
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Location: Saltburn UK
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Hello Jane, no you are not overreacting, or being too harsh-you are just being sensible.
All your concerns are well founded, crazy to be driving around drunk and you'll find plenty of us on this site who have felt so distant from our partners when they are drinking-it's a lonely experience and can be hard to deal with.
I think you should try Al Anon, it's an excellent support network and it will give you a lot more insight into the problem and where you might take it-for your own wellbeing.
Best wishes.
All your concerns are well founded, crazy to be driving around drunk and you'll find plenty of us on this site who have felt so distant from our partners when they are drinking-it's a lonely experience and can be hard to deal with.
I think you should try Al Anon, it's an excellent support network and it will give you a lot more insight into the problem and where you might take it-for your own wellbeing.
Best wishes.
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Fruit does not cause insane thinking and behavior. Alcohol does. And no one ever got behind the wheel after eating an orange and killed someone's child.
He will not last the month.
And nothing you do or say will change that fact. You cannot control nor will you ever be able to cure his alcoholism.
He's defending his right to drink with all his heart, and if you ask him to choose between you and alcohol, he is going to choose alcohol.
He is an alcoholic and he cannot drink just a little. He cannot moderate. Alcoholics are controlled by alcohol, they do not control it.
It is very hard for a codependent to walk away from an alcoholic because (a)she has false hope that he will sober up or (b) he manipulates her into believing she is the one who is nuts or (c) he guilts her into believing he can't make it without her.
Please continue to reach out for help, here or at Al-Anon or with a counselor. You have some painful times ahead. Alcoholic relationships are always painful.
He will not last the month.
And nothing you do or say will change that fact. You cannot control nor will you ever be able to cure his alcoholism.
He's defending his right to drink with all his heart, and if you ask him to choose between you and alcohol, he is going to choose alcohol.
He is an alcoholic and he cannot drink just a little. He cannot moderate. Alcoholics are controlled by alcohol, they do not control it.
It is very hard for a codependent to walk away from an alcoholic because (a)she has false hope that he will sober up or (b) he manipulates her into believing she is the one who is nuts or (c) he guilts her into believing he can't make it without her.
Please continue to reach out for help, here or at Al-Anon or with a counselor. You have some painful times ahead. Alcoholic relationships are always painful.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Jane. First, believe what you already know-- he is an alcoholic. There is no question of this and you know it. Second, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Third, please consider trying some Alanon meetings-- they are for people who love alcoholics and whose lives are becoming unmanageable.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Take care,
Cyranoak
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Hi Jane,
I've been where you are. People even told me my husband was an alcoholic and I got mad at them. He wasn't an alcoholic, I said. He just drank (every night, until he passed out) because he had had such a difficult and traumatic life.
I'm nodding my head in agreement with both SoaringSpirits and Cyrano here. It's a problem for YOU -- that makes it a problem, regardless of what your partner thinks.
You've heard that you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I'm going to add that you are also not responsible -- either for his drinking or whether he stops.
I know I felt like since I had my head squarely on my shoulders and my AH didn't, I was responsible for making sure he stopped drinking.
It sounds like your life pretty much centers on his drinking right now. So you could ask yourself if that's how you want your life to be? If it's not, what can you do to change it? Keeping in mind that you can't change his drinking.
I went to desperate measures to get my AH to stop drinking. Nothing helped, because that's not how it works. You might as well tell a diabetic that you'll have sex with them four times a day and make their favorite dinner every night as long as they stop being diabetic.
There's always hope, and there's always a way out. It may be with him or without him, but for you, it starts with you. And I really, really second Cyrano's suggestion of finding an Al-Anon meeting. And go at least six-seven times before you decide whether it's helpful or not.
I've been where you are. People even told me my husband was an alcoholic and I got mad at them. He wasn't an alcoholic, I said. He just drank (every night, until he passed out) because he had had such a difficult and traumatic life.
I'm nodding my head in agreement with both SoaringSpirits and Cyrano here. It's a problem for YOU -- that makes it a problem, regardless of what your partner thinks.
You've heard that you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I'm going to add that you are also not responsible -- either for his drinking or whether he stops.
I know I felt like since I had my head squarely on my shoulders and my AH didn't, I was responsible for making sure he stopped drinking.
It sounds like your life pretty much centers on his drinking right now. So you could ask yourself if that's how you want your life to be? If it's not, what can you do to change it? Keeping in mind that you can't change his drinking.
I went to desperate measures to get my AH to stop drinking. Nothing helped, because that's not how it works. You might as well tell a diabetic that you'll have sex with them four times a day and make their favorite dinner every night as long as they stop being diabetic.
There's always hope, and there's always a way out. It may be with him or without him, but for you, it starts with you. And I really, really second Cyrano's suggestion of finding an Al-Anon meeting. And go at least six-seven times before you decide whether it's helpful or not.
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Thankyou everybody for your replies, I didn't expect so much feedback and I'm grateful. It sounds like my suspicions were correct - he does have a problem, or in well on his way to having one.
Some of you have said he can't be cured; he will never stop. But surely there are alcoholics out there that have kicked the problem? Isn't saying that he is incapable of stopping like saying it's out of his control? That can't be right. I mean he makes the choice to drink, with enough will power he must be able to choose not to.
This morning when he had sobered up he said he's really sorry and he admits he has a problem. He said he would never knowingly compromise our relationship and he will go the month without any alcohol, and will look online for ways to help deal with his problem in the meantime. But I heard this exact speech from him 3 years ago and here we are again.
When he's not drinking he's the perfect man, there is nobody I'd rather be with. He has promised to sort himself out and I will support him to help him do it. However if it happens again then we are definitely finished, and I've told him that.
Should I organize an AA meeting for him or let him do it himself?
Also, is it possible for him to deal with his problem and still be able to drink socially with our friends in the future, or will he have to give up all alcohol forever? I guess there's no answer to that one; it depends on the person and the situation. Or maybe he never will deal with his problem and this is all a waste of time.
Thank you again for your replies. Last night I felt completely alone in the world and now I know there is support out there for what I'm going through.
Some of you have said he can't be cured; he will never stop. But surely there are alcoholics out there that have kicked the problem? Isn't saying that he is incapable of stopping like saying it's out of his control? That can't be right. I mean he makes the choice to drink, with enough will power he must be able to choose not to.
This morning when he had sobered up he said he's really sorry and he admits he has a problem. He said he would never knowingly compromise our relationship and he will go the month without any alcohol, and will look online for ways to help deal with his problem in the meantime. But I heard this exact speech from him 3 years ago and here we are again.
When he's not drinking he's the perfect man, there is nobody I'd rather be with. He has promised to sort himself out and I will support him to help him do it. However if it happens again then we are definitely finished, and I've told him that.
Should I organize an AA meeting for him or let him do it himself?
Also, is it possible for him to deal with his problem and still be able to drink socially with our friends in the future, or will he have to give up all alcohol forever? I guess there's no answer to that one; it depends on the person and the situation. Or maybe he never will deal with his problem and this is all a waste of time.
Thank you again for your replies. Last night I felt completely alone in the world and now I know there is support out there for what I'm going through.
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I have grappled with being the one to find meetings/therapists myself. I did it the first time and it went nowhere because he wasn't ready. According to him he doesn't believe it therapy so maybe he never will be ready. All I know is that this time around if he agrees to get help I am not lifting a finger. I think if someone truly admits to having a problem and wants to get help they will do it. I dunno, I am fairly new to this and I am just going with my gut...it's just my opinion.
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Originally Posted by Jane86 
Am I overreacting? Am I being too harsh?
Originally Posted by Jane86
Some of you have said he can't be cured; he will never stop. But surely there are alcoholics out there that have kicked the problem? Isn't saying that he is incapable of stopping like saying it's out of his control? That can't be right. I mean he makes the choice to drink, with enough will power he must be able to choose not to.
— From a PhD (Phormer Drunk)
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Originally Posted by Jane86
Should I organize an AA meeting for him or let him do it himself?
Also, is it possible for him to deal with his problem and still be able to drink socially with our friends in the future, or will he have to give up all alcohol forever? I guess there's no answer to that one; it depends on the person and the situation. Or maybe he never will deal with his problem and this is all a waste of time.
Thank you again for your replies. Last night I felt completely alone in the world and now I know there is support out there for what I'm going through.
Alcoholics are not able to drink socially!
Sounds like you have to make some tough choices.
Do you have some place you can go?
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Spawn, do you mean a place I can stay? I have friends and family I could stay with, but I'm hoping we can deal with it together at home without having to resort to something so dramatic.
In regards to social drinking, there are times when we go to bars with friends and he only has a couple because he's the sober driver. So he CAN control his drinking in some situations.
It's when he's at home that he seems to get the urge to drink and he takes off to the bottle store for that nasty cheap bourbon that he drinks. Each can is 8% and after a few of them he loses his grip on what's an appropriate amount to have and just goes for it. He used to slur his words when drunk which was a dead giveaway but in recent years he's learned to speak clearly while drunk... I can still tell when he's been drinking though because he shouts instead of talking normally and says the stupidest things which don't make sense. Last night when I was trying to get through to him he was firing back at me nonsense about how my eating fruit is a habit too and why should I give up something I love, how ridiculous I'm being etc. and being awfully rude to me. Ruder than he's ever been actually, which made me wonder exactly where he'd been and who he'd been with. He was acting like a right jerk.
I've gone off track and am ranting now, sorry about that. It's easy to get caught up in all the angry feelings and take it out on the keyboard, haha.
I will let him contact AA himself then. As Krys suggested, he needs to be the one to take the first step and I agree.
On a side note, my sister's mother in law is an alcoholic also, though that fact is very well-known among family and friends. She was admitted to hospital the other day with a head wound and a punctured lung after falling down the stairs and landing on some artwork sculpture thing she owns. Apparently her house looks like a murder scene from all the blood. That's just the latest in a string of horrific accidents she's had and stunts she's pulled due to her drinking. I can't imagine how her son must feel, the constant worry of what she's going to do next, how long can she survive like this etc. and he takes sick day after sick day off work to go over and clean her up and take her back to his place.
Again I'm rambling.
Terminally Unique it's interesting to hear it from a "phormer drunk's" perspective. It gives me insight into how he views alcohol. Not just as a past-time but as a lifeline. While I'm angry at him, it also breaks my heart to think that he's so dependent on it and that he feels he has to drink to "enjoy" life, as he puts it.
In regards to social drinking, there are times when we go to bars with friends and he only has a couple because he's the sober driver. So he CAN control his drinking in some situations.
It's when he's at home that he seems to get the urge to drink and he takes off to the bottle store for that nasty cheap bourbon that he drinks. Each can is 8% and after a few of them he loses his grip on what's an appropriate amount to have and just goes for it. He used to slur his words when drunk which was a dead giveaway but in recent years he's learned to speak clearly while drunk... I can still tell when he's been drinking though because he shouts instead of talking normally and says the stupidest things which don't make sense. Last night when I was trying to get through to him he was firing back at me nonsense about how my eating fruit is a habit too and why should I give up something I love, how ridiculous I'm being etc. and being awfully rude to me. Ruder than he's ever been actually, which made me wonder exactly where he'd been and who he'd been with. He was acting like a right jerk.
I've gone off track and am ranting now, sorry about that. It's easy to get caught up in all the angry feelings and take it out on the keyboard, haha.
I will let him contact AA himself then. As Krys suggested, he needs to be the one to take the first step and I agree.
On a side note, my sister's mother in law is an alcoholic also, though that fact is very well-known among family and friends. She was admitted to hospital the other day with a head wound and a punctured lung after falling down the stairs and landing on some artwork sculpture thing she owns. Apparently her house looks like a murder scene from all the blood. That's just the latest in a string of horrific accidents she's had and stunts she's pulled due to her drinking. I can't imagine how her son must feel, the constant worry of what she's going to do next, how long can she survive like this etc. and he takes sick day after sick day off work to go over and clean her up and take her back to his place.
Again I'm rambling.
Terminally Unique it's interesting to hear it from a "phormer drunk's" perspective. It gives me insight into how he views alcohol. Not just as a past-time but as a lifeline. While I'm angry at him, it also breaks my heart to think that he's so dependent on it and that he feels he has to drink to "enjoy" life, as he puts it.
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Jane, No I do not think you should set up AA for him. It's pointless. The point of AA and Al Anon (which I highly recommend) is for the participant to admit that they are powerless over alcohol. It has to be a first-person experience.
I am sorry, but alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease. No lie. Yes, there are alcoholics who recover. They never drink again. No, alcoholics cannot drink socially. My AXF has tried the "social drinking" thing for over 40 years. With each relapse he loses more of his family, friends, respect, health, mind. Active addiction takes you 3 places-jail, the mental institution, or the grave.
I hate to sound harsh, but you will save yourself grief by separating your needs from his. That doesn't mean you must leave, lots of people choose to continue with active alcoholics (not me), but they have learned how to disentangle themselves from the alcoholic's drinking.
There is a WEALTH of information here, and AWESOME support. Good luck, keep coming back.
I am sorry, but alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease. No lie. Yes, there are alcoholics who recover. They never drink again. No, alcoholics cannot drink socially. My AXF has tried the "social drinking" thing for over 40 years. With each relapse he loses more of his family, friends, respect, health, mind. Active addiction takes you 3 places-jail, the mental institution, or the grave.
I hate to sound harsh, but you will save yourself grief by separating your needs from his. That doesn't mean you must leave, lots of people choose to continue with active alcoholics (not me), but they have learned how to disentangle themselves from the alcoholic's drinking.
There is a WEALTH of information here, and AWESOME support. Good luck, keep coming back.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
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I think everyone has made some really valid points so I don't have much to add. But, my exAB constantly would tell me he could control it. He stopped for a month...it drove him absolutely crazy. And, instead of drinking he just smoked more pot. Then when the 30 days was up he wanted to celebrate by opening a bottle of champagne. From there he started limiting himself to only 3 beers a night. Now, 4 months later he's back to pitchers of beer and having to take a dozen beers with him to head out for a kayak ride in the afternoon. Point? Empty promises...btdt.
They have to do this themselves, but they really have to take the initiative and make the effort to do what's necessary. And, going on-line and looking for self help..well I think it's just a way to pacify us...another one of those ways to make it look like they are doing something about it without doing anything.
Oh, and the fruit thing...that's kind of funny. My exAB told me he didn't see me willing to make any changes in my life, which for him meant that I get rid of the 3 cats I have. We don't live together (thank God) and they are more important to me than he is...so not happening...but the concept is the same. My cats don't do anyone any harm, where his drinking is bad for everyone involved.
They have to do this themselves, but they really have to take the initiative and make the effort to do what's necessary. And, going on-line and looking for self help..well I think it's just a way to pacify us...another one of those ways to make it look like they are doing something about it without doing anything.
Oh, and the fruit thing...that's kind of funny. My exAB told me he didn't see me willing to make any changes in my life, which for him meant that I get rid of the 3 cats I have. We don't live together (thank God) and they are more important to me than he is...so not happening...but the concept is the same. My cats don't do anyone any harm, where his drinking is bad for everyone involved.
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
...going on-line and looking for self help..well I think it's just a way to pacify us...another one of those ways to make it look like they are doing something about it without doing anything.
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
My exAB told me he didn't see me willing to make any changes in my life, which for him meant that I get rid of the 3 cats I have.
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I thought AA was the same as Al Anon, are they actually two different things?
Yes the fruit thing is kinda funny. I found myself in a kind of "what am I doing here, having this discussion" state when he was going on about it, it felt almost unreal. I did point out that eating fruit isn't a problem for anybody, it's not harmful and doesn't have an impact on our relationship. So then he moved on to the habit I have of biting my bottom lip, saying that's self-destructive. Which it is in a small way, but it's not on the same scale as abusing alcohol. Anything to dig his heels in and hold on to it. And I did agree to stop that for a month also. So now I'm not sure which I'm supposed to be giving up, fruit or lip-biting, hmm...
"I hate to sound harsh, but you will save yourself grief by separating your needs from his. That doesn't mean you must leave, lots of people choose to continue with active alcoholics (not me), but they have learned how to disentangle themselves from the alcoholic's drinking."
I won't allow that to happen any longer. No more making excuses about his drinking so we can be together, either he deals with it once and for all or he struggles with it alone.
Yes the fruit thing is kinda funny. I found myself in a kind of "what am I doing here, having this discussion" state when he was going on about it, it felt almost unreal. I did point out that eating fruit isn't a problem for anybody, it's not harmful and doesn't have an impact on our relationship. So then he moved on to the habit I have of biting my bottom lip, saying that's self-destructive. Which it is in a small way, but it's not on the same scale as abusing alcohol. Anything to dig his heels in and hold on to it. And I did agree to stop that for a month also. So now I'm not sure which I'm supposed to be giving up, fruit or lip-biting, hmm...
"I hate to sound harsh, but you will save yourself grief by separating your needs from his. That doesn't mean you must leave, lots of people choose to continue with active alcoholics (not me), but they have learned how to disentangle themselves from the alcoholic's drinking."
I won't allow that to happen any longer. No more making excuses about his drinking so we can be together, either he deals with it once and for all or he struggles with it alone.
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Jane86, I've often been baffled by my AH's ability to 'control' the alcohol sometimes, and then, home alone, he keeps going until he finishes the job.
Please read about addiction; it will illuminate much of what you're not sure about. You sound like I did many years ago - I mourned and still mourn the inability for us to go out and have a good time, having a few drinks, laughing with friends, they way we used to before I realized his drinking was a problem. Many of us hang onto the possibility of that, and likely it's why we try for so long to 'help them'. I arranged and took him to an AA meeting. I forced him to see a therapist by threatening to leave. "I" did a lot; he went along to keep me happy, but the drinking didn't stop. And note that when you are doing these things, they are not. They are continuing to drink. It only got better when I finally did the opposite - went to get help for myself through Al Anon, stopped doing anything and everything for him and left him to his own devices. And even then, it ain't perfect. He doesn't have a perfect sobriety record and continues to struggle with relapses over the years. I've accepted that he is addicted to this substance; still a guy I fell in love with, lots of good traits but all tarnished by the addiction. What helps me is my own recovery and having no illusion that I can ever change this. It must come from him. And it may never, something I must accept also in determining how my future will play out.
Coming to terms with addiction is very painful for many reasons. Arming yourself with knowledge and support will help a lot.
Please read about addiction; it will illuminate much of what you're not sure about. You sound like I did many years ago - I mourned and still mourn the inability for us to go out and have a good time, having a few drinks, laughing with friends, they way we used to before I realized his drinking was a problem. Many of us hang onto the possibility of that, and likely it's why we try for so long to 'help them'. I arranged and took him to an AA meeting. I forced him to see a therapist by threatening to leave. "I" did a lot; he went along to keep me happy, but the drinking didn't stop. And note that when you are doing these things, they are not. They are continuing to drink. It only got better when I finally did the opposite - went to get help for myself through Al Anon, stopped doing anything and everything for him and left him to his own devices. And even then, it ain't perfect. He doesn't have a perfect sobriety record and continues to struggle with relapses over the years. I've accepted that he is addicted to this substance; still a guy I fell in love with, lots of good traits but all tarnished by the addiction. What helps me is my own recovery and having no illusion that I can ever change this. It must come from him. And it may never, something I must accept also in determining how my future will play out.
Coming to terms with addiction is very painful for many reasons. Arming yourself with knowledge and support will help a lot.
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Thank you for your post Silkspin, after reading it I googled al-anon and have found a list of meetings in my area especially for friends and family of alcoholics who are looking for support. I don't know what to expect, I don't have any horrific stories or anything to share, his drinking problem is more subtle (apart from the drunk driving). I'm worried people won't really think he has a problem because I don't have much to tell, and I won't be taken seriously.
This is off-topic a bit but he just sent me a txt saying he's been on the phone today with his sister, who lives in Australia, and for me to decide what theme parks etc. I want to go to because we are going there for a holiday. What is that about? Is he trying to distract me? We had a major blow up last night and apart from a few txts sent this morning have not had a chance to talk about it now that he's sober. This holiday thing is out of the blue and bizarre.
This is off-topic a bit but he just sent me a txt saying he's been on the phone today with his sister, who lives in Australia, and for me to decide what theme parks etc. I want to go to because we are going there for a holiday. What is that about? Is he trying to distract me? We had a major blow up last night and apart from a few txts sent this morning have not had a chance to talk about it now that he's sober. This holiday thing is out of the blue and bizarre.
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