Katiekate

So, 3 days no attempt at contact. Sadness is turning to raw anger and it does not feel good. Now I know why he drinks, his life is so bad, so hard, he doesn't have the courage to face his own anger, instead he would rather drink and then let it rip on me. Oh , angry isn't the word, every part of me is in emotional , mental and physical pain. It feels too big, and too hard.

Trying to control every aspect of my life, telling me how to dress, how to wear my make up my hair, telling me what to eat, when to eat it, how to drive, how to have relationships with my family and friends. Every single thing I do is in some way related to you, somehow 99 percent of the things I do, in someway slight you. Telling me I dont' respect you, damn right I don't respect you, I DO NOT RESPECT YOU!!!! So what, the only thing you respect is a beer and a shot, the rest in your life is just details.

If I don't say anything, then it's the look on my face, if it's not the look on myh face then it's the way I cry, on and on and on ad nauseum. Ugggggggg

I am powerless, completely over alcohol, the thought that there is any other truth is such a mind game. You told me, you told me I was the coolest person I have ever known, I miss you when you are not around, you are beautiful, I Love you, Damn right I am and damn right you do, too bad that other Love is more important than I am. Enjoy it, I'm busy, looking for Peace, when I find it , you won't know anything about it, you will be sitting there hugging a beer.

suki44883

You go, girl!!

Jennifer124

YES!!! Let them drink themselves to oblivion, and wake up and wonder what happened, where life went, and the good fricken women they lost. We are completely powerless over alcohol, and if that is how they want to live their life, we need to let them. I am going to embrace my single hood, try as many new things as possible, enjoy the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know it will be lonely at times, but that is why I have my cat (he is always first because he lives with me and cuddles when he knows I am sad , my family/friends, this forum, yoga, music, and a zest for life.
The emotions are crazy and all over the place, but just ride it out. Do everything you can not to have contact with him, keep writing, venting, crying, whatever you need, but it does get better each day.
We can't control or change it. We didn't cause it, but we can walk away and choose a better quality of life than this craziness.
Good luck

Katiekate

Thank you thank you thank you.

And thank you xoxooxxoox:ghug3

m1k3

You done well.

Your friend,

NYCDoglvr

I hope you give yourself a great deal of credit for taking this difficult, painful, step. Yes it hurts but it absolutely will pass. It helps to understand that it's not a person speaking, it's the bottle. Alcoholics turn their lives and their will over to booze, it is the most important thing in their life.

I strongly admire your courage and faith!

onajourney

amazing post a real inspiration, shows how i felt alot. l am 7 months out and that peace you talk about, whilst it has been so hard had descended on me gradually. no more looking in middle of night to see are we passed out on the loo, dining table, kitchen floor. no more thinking "oh hes on the sofa, thats good"
someone else posted " no more thinking is he going to pass out whilst smoking a fag and set the house on fire".

now i sleep, eat well, lost that sick churning feeling in my stomach and am finding me, it is hard but gets better, ride it out, put you first girl.

onajourney

needed to add the look on my face, not look on my face, wrong look on my face, head held wrong way, wrong tone of voice, no tone of voice, mentioning the note before, not mentioning it were all triggers for him, or rather excuses.
now we are out excuses continue but involve other people, keep your head held high, treat you with the respect you deserve!
I do now and am learning to love it!!

inpieces314

Sorry I have not been here in a while, so I am kind of in need of my own venting right now.

I don't know about anyone else, but for me, it gets so hard detaching, because I don't understand why my life seems to fall apart while he gets to get away with being irresponsible and a loser and on and on. Not that this is my situation right this second, but things are so precarious, we have been there so many times, and it takes almost nothing to get there again.

Maybe it is because I have kids. I get angry when I feel like I can't handle it anymore, and I break that detachment to lash out at him about how irresponsible and loserish he is being. And I know that is wrong, but someone has to tell him that he is destroying everything. Again-not my situation right this second, although he did storm out of my house a couple of hours ago (drunk) and I doubt I will hear from him for several days.

Anyway, that is what gets the best of me. I get very very angry. So I have been at where you are right now, but for me, that is like a warning bell going off in my head, because I know if I get any angrier, I am going to pick up the phone to scream at him, and he gets what he wants because he wants me to talk to him.

Damn kids

Katiekate

Thanks everyone for your replies and support. I'm really so grateful.

I started reading Getting Them Sober , annndddddddd guess what, I am not crazy lol. The situation is crazy, chaos really.

Still no contact, that feels good, I am already getting some peace, my mind is actually a lot more quiet, when I go to bed I don't have to relive the day, the fight, the accusing, the it's all your fault, I am in charge of what comes in and goes out of my life.

The anger has subsided, I wasn't being good to me, just going around cleaning messes, large and small ones, most of them belonging to someone else. Now just cleanig up my own.

:ghug3

Krys

Good job!! You inspire me, I hope I can get to that point very soon.

mdh0723

I can totally relate!! Peace is a wonderful thing!!

Adventure

Katiekate I absolutely love this post and really needed to read something like this today.

Katiekate

I have been reading GettingThem Sober, over and over and over again, for some reason it comforts me. It's like I can look down over the box I was in and see myself running from corner to corner, ducking, cringing, running, hiding, hurting, to step outside the situation and see the sickness instead of live it is very freeing but also so intensely hurtful. What I let happen to me.

I have had moments when I truly despise all alcoholics, just totally lost all compassion for them and their sickness, felt physically sick over watching the madness I allowed in my life continue for so long. The compassion is returning, but man it hurts, the things that were done and said to me, that I allowed, I bought. Every single thing he said about me, to me, was about him, his feelings about himself, if he could make me believe that I was the one who was causing all the chaos, it somehow made every single sip he took okay.

Stll hurting, but it's getting easier, these wounds are still very raw and open, but they will heal. Just be nice to each other, it makes everything so much easier.

xoxooxoxox

mdh0723

Katiekate, I can TOTALLY relate to everything you just said. A book that I'm reading (suggested in a thread by Tuffgirl) is "Drinking - A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. As one of the book reviews says " ... Knapp dazzles us with her heady description of alcohol's allure and its devastating hold". I need to pick up 'Getting them sober'. Like you, I find reading about the disease comforting in a lot of ways. It's been six weeks since my AH spouse left me and 10 days no contact. I'm starting to feel better day by day too. Seeing things for what they truly were ... not what I wanted them to be, hoped they would be, or dreamed that they would be. Hang in there!!!

Alanonic

Your rock Girl!!!! Those books are the BEST! "Getting them Sober" Hey there is a website, too.

onajourney

katiekatie, your post was amazing, few months away now and sometimes have bad days, your post lifted me alot, thanks!
remembering the chaos helped me refocus,x

Katiekate

I think I still refocus once a day.

I come here and read. I refocus fast lol

xo

Cyranoak

...well done and keep on keeping on.