jpooch

My sister started drinking approx. 10 years ago. She drank in her 20's...stopped while raising her first son, divorced...remarried...started drinking and never stopped. I guess a "functional" alcoholic. Worked during day...started drinking after work. During this time she was for our father with Alzheimers who lived next door to her. As time went by, her husband was doing most of the care of our Dad (meds, food, and such)..also handled the check book. They ended up taking what added up to $30,000 from my Dad over time. Long story short, another family member reported suspicion and she ended up being convicted of a felony (exploitation of vulnerable adult). On probation has to pay restitution.

Father died...husband left. Three months later she went to rehab, first time. Two months after she got out...her house she had lived in for 20 years was forclosed on (husband didn't pay it...said her alcohol cost too much). She was aware, but in denial.

One month after losing house, lost job. Which, of course is a major problem since she is on probation. Can't find another job. Relapsed, cashed in her retirement (which was only $10,000) and moved to an apartment spending down the money and drinking.

Money gone...moved in with 27 year old son. Two weeks later, she gets a great job opportunity in another state. She moves in with other son, 20 years old. She lasts 2 months. He throws her out for drinking.

Has applied for disability...waiting for appeal. Recently spent 8 weeks in psychiatric admission. Homeless when she came out, lived with a friend for 2 months. While with that friend was not drinking (she has started and stopped several times, detoxed 3 times). That situation went bad (too much to write in one post), moved in with acquaintance, but landlord found out and said they are not permitted to have someone live there.

So, today, she went back to the hospital (I think she thinks it is a hotel at this point). Her son and I making several phone calls trying to find a place for her to live until her disability is approved. Also, because she has no income, her friends are having a benefit for her (that I will monitor and pay her bills directly, so it is not misused).

Then her son finds out she relapsed while at this last stay. Supposed to be a "secret".

Today she is in the hospital, no income, homeless, waiting for disability, and needs to make restitution payments starting in July or she will go to jail.

Because she has so many issues, we do not know how much is enabling. We will not give her money....but in her case, what is help and what is enabling. How do we let her be homeless without seeking help?

Would really appreciate some guidance.

Pelican

If you were hearing this from one of your girlfriends, what would your advice be?

She is an alcoholic that needs to face the consequences for her choices.

If jail is an option, what is your fear? She will be provided meals, shelter, medical attention and a place to sleep. And you and your family won't have to wonder if she is sober or not. She will be sober too.

The three C's:

You did not Cause her addiction
You can not Control her addiction
You will not Cure her addiction

The addiction belongs to the adult with the problem. She knows where to find help when she is ready. (salvation army, AA, etc.)

I have a friend that was disabled in an accident. He has made his third application for disability benefits in three years. It is my understanding, that applicants are routinely denied benefits at least twice and that the process can take years.

LoneStar2x

Almost anything you do to help her get a drink is considered enabeling. It dosen't matter if it's intentional or not. One thing to keep in mind, and this got me through my wife's addiction.

There's nothing you can do to help/save them. They must be willing to crawl out of the gutter on their own merrit. Some people make it, some don't, it's a hard pill to swallow I know.

Sometimes you just have to cut them loose in order to maintain sanity/peace in your life.

Katiekate

Let her fall, she did it, she needs to pay the consequences.

My brother went to jail for 7 years, he was a drug dealer among other issues.

To this day he will tell you it saved his life.

dollydo

You cannot save her, you do not have the power to do so. She chose her path in life, now she must face the consequenses of her behavior. Turn her over to the HP and let the chips fall where they may. Truthfully, she is already in the HP's hands, it is just a matter of you accepting it and going forward with your life.

fourmaggie

she needs to be willing to change HERSELF...

the son did a great thing...he kicked her out! now that is BACK BONE at work...keep reading...

hope you have AL ANON...
read the stickies...and read some more...learning is the best tool to have...

fourmaggie

Carol Star said once
4M's
TRY NOT TOO:
1..mother
2..marytr
3..manipulate
4.. manage...

Poetry

You're getting some really good responses here.

My dad is a drug addict. He has been using since I was seven. I enabled him for years and years. I cleaned up his messes. I told myself it was my duty as his daughter. I tried to practice a form of tough love when he ended up homeless by not taking him in, but I was still weak and not ready to let go and let God. He developed a form of kidney disease while homeless and living on the streets, and afraid he would die, I caved and took him in while he received treatment.

I found him a clinic, a specialist, and drove him around to doctors and to the social services office. (I enabled, enabled, and enabled.) I declared no drugs would be allowed in my home. I don't think he used drugs while staying here, but most of his old behaviors were the same. He did nothing and I did everything. He slept, watched TV, and made a big mess. He wouldn't bathe. He wouldn't walk his dog enough. He ignored my boundaries. He manipulated, used guilt, and coercion to have his way. He fought with my husband. Meanwhile, I researched halfway houses, sober living, treatment facilities, blah blah blah. (More enabling and enmeshing.)

In short, his life took over my life absolutely and completely. I would break down and cry. All my childhood disappointments and sorrows due to his addiction came rushing back. I trembled, wept, yelled, and screamed. I begged God to save me. I said horribly mean things to him. I fought with my husband about him all the time, not blaming him a bit for being furious at this point. Yep, the whole situation was so totally dysfunctional.

Finally, I told him enough was enough. As soon as his doctor said his kidneys were functioning at 100%, I gave him the date he had to leave. I told him to make arrangements, but he didn't bother. So as of today, he lives in a van and is receiving $900.00 a month for disability, and I attend Al-Anon meetings instead of obsessing about his life. I tell him I love him, and give him the dignity to make his own choices. He has turned to alcohol now, so I pretty much know what those choices will be, but it's none of my concern anymore. I have my life and serenity back, and I will not be giving it up again. I am so thankful.

I hope my share will help you to decide what is best for you.