justrae83

I have posting here ALOT lately, mainly because i feel this is the only thing helping me get through this breakup with my ex 3 months ago. I have this problem, i cant stop crying and obsessing over my ex. Maybe it was the drama, or maybe it was the fact that I LOVED HIM SO MUCH I would of done anything for him. He always told me he loved me and would die for me and would be there for me, I believed him because i would of done the same.

I never saw myself with another man I would marry, since I meet him. We were together 6 years, GOD I LOVE HIM….i wish I could get over him but I cant. Last April I moved out so he could work on himself and get clean after going to Rehab for pills and alcohol, he was sober for almost a year. He told me he changed and he loves me and wants to move back in, I FEEL IN LOVE WITH HIM more in this past year then I did before cuz the old love of my life came back and he was sober and happy. Then…I found out back in nov he was drinking again but he had it under control he said, I believed him cuz I wanted to. I never saw the drinking out of control but by Jan 1 he told me I AM A CHANGED MAN, NOT THE SAME…if you loved me non of the stuff would matter. I was hesitant and said I don’t know if I can cuz I love you but I am scared your gonna go out of control again..so he left me telling me that all I do is live in the past and if I loved him as much as i said i did, i would take him back.

Then 2 days after we broke up he told me he meet someone that was his soul mate, he loved her. I didn’t want to believe Him, I cried and said I AM SO SORRY…THEN 1 month after that he texted me after I called him saying how sorry I was that he is getting married to the new girl and God put this women in his life to show what true love looks like and she loves everything about him and dosnt judge him. Not only that, but he texted how they meet, how they feel in love and he cant wait to raise her 4 beautiful children. Then sends me a picture of the two of them over the cell phone. I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER been so heartbroken in all my life. I have been crying at least 3 times a day for almost 3 months, I have so much hurt and anger and love and resentment toward myself that maybe I gave up on him. I love this man so much.

The tears flow and flow and flow and I cry out to God everyday to save me from my broken heart and for me to be happy again. All i can do is think about our love, our good memories becuase he was and amazing man and treated me like gold. Never abusive, never mean, always loving but just addicted. What do I do…how do I get through this?

painterman

Sorry you are going through all this. Remember, it wasn't your fault that the relationship went wrong-he was the one with the issues (and he probably still is)
This man that you care so much about is not going out of his way to spare your feelings, sending you texts about his blissful life since you split. We all do it at some point, waste our love and energy on someone who either can't or won't reciprocate.
I can feel your pain, but maybe it's time to convince yourself that you can move on, that you, yourself are a good and worthy person and you deserve better.
The best time to start working on that, and stop crying...TODAY!!!!!

ChrisT

Hope you find peace soon, everyday should get easier, be strong and keep yourself busy to keep your mind off things

nodaybut2day

You make a list of the "not so nice" things about your ex:
* put you on a rollercoaster ride with his addiction
* tried to get back with you after coming out of rehab, claiming to be CHANGED
* when you held back, the man who supposedly loved you went and found himself a new enabler
* instead of keeping away from you after breaking up, he kept torturing you with details of his supposed love life with his new enabler.

These are not the actions of a man who deserves your love. You deserve to be in an equal partnership, where there is respect and consideration. This is not the case.

I know how torturous this is. I have been bawling myself for days now, but I know that eventually, the tears will pass. They'll give way to numbness, to anger, and then to a desire to FINALLY be done with all the b.s. It's part of grieving.

Tuffgirl

The tears stop when you decide its time to stop. Obsessing stops when you decide to stop.

Believe it or not...we are actually completely in control of our emotions and thoughts. For example, you can accept that you are grieving for the loss of this relationship and give yourself a little time each day to experience that grief, but put a time limit on it. Then focus your thoughts doing something else. Pick up a new hobby, read some good books, watch a movie, go out with friends, volunteer, take a class at your local college, etc.

Step out of the land of what-ifs and into reality. Stop letting your mind play tricks on your emotions and take charge.

At any given moment, you have the power to say this is not how your story is going to end.

Pelican

I agree with Tuffgirl, you are in control of the thoughts going through your head.

I also agree that you can continue to grieve as long as needed, but you can also control how much of your day you are going to give to grieving the past. I gave myself a time limit of 20 minutes on a day off, or 5 minutes on a day when I had a full schedule.

To help with the switching off, I would start with a gratitude list. I start listing things I am thankful for: good health, a job, car that runs, bills are paid, and if it is a really bad day - I can just muster up some thanks for waking up on this side of the dirt!

To help me stop the fantasy of how wonderful he was, I kept a list in my wallet for over a year. I referred to the list often, as a reminder of what I was not longer willing to accept in my life. The list was bullet points of the reality of my relationship with my AH. It went something like this:

_________'s love comes with:
Financial Disasters
Lies
Denial
Manipulations
Minimizing my feelings
Drunkeness
Legal problems

I kept that list in the coin compartment of my wallet. I saw it everytime I opened that part of my wallet. It was an instant reality check.

But I also recommend keeping a journal of how you feel each day. Document if you are unable to find any joy for more than a few days (my funk can usually clear after 3 bad days), document any dark thoughts or feelings of hopelessness.
Then take this information to your health care professional and ask for help. Sometimes we need a chemical correction to help us cope with loss and grief. It's okay to ask for help. It's another positive step in loving yourself!

painterman

Yep, Tuffgirl has it spot on, as usual.

choublak

You say he treated you like gold?

I'm confused.

Marytherboo

I feel for you so much, justrae. Losing someone who has hurt you robs you of all hope that he will magically turn the tables and heal the wounds he made. And when that hope is all that has carried you through, the pain is devastating.

A phrase I go to when it hurts that much is "No one can hurt you without your permission." you can choose to accept his behavior like you would accept a bad storm...scary, damaging and unpredictable but not about you. The behavior of an alcoholic does terrible damage to those of us who love them, but it is only incidentally designed to hurt. It's main purpose is to facilitate access to more drinking. We're just collateral damage.

Would you weep daily over a bad storm? If not, what is it in your heart that needs to cling to a hope he has specifically told you is groundless? Do you really need a false hope to be happy? Or could you pin your hopes on the only person you can trust to know what you need--you?

Hurting alongside you, but today it's not too bad...

justrae83

The problem that was in our relationship was, my happiness depended on him I was happy making him happy, I was lite up when i made him light up. i felt needed becuase he needed me, I felt complete becuase he told me i completed him, I felt wonderful seeing him smile becuase I made him smile. The last 6 years of my happiness were always wrapped up in him, when he left me...MY WORLD ENDED.

Tuffgirl

Ahhh shucks painterman - thanks! My lessons were hard learned, just like everyone else. But I have lived long enough to look back and realize situations like these have led to bigger and better things for me. ; )

wicked

No, I am going to ask you to get out of the drama aspect of this.
Your world did not end. You are still breathing. You are still above ground.
you felt, you felt, you felt, you felt, only when you did something for him?

how do you feel when he tells you how he has found the only love of his life a few weeks after breaking up. You had a lot of feelings, and none of them are the love I would want.

I want someone who wants me back.

(he told you you complete him) you know that is just a line from a movie right?

Beth

Jennifer124

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which as been opened for us."
Helen Keller

It gets me by Look towards the open door! Your happiness is there!!!

aliveforme

Sounds like you need to be there for yourself first and not others. I know the roller coaster of being there for someone else...Its almost like that sustains you...that it is your purpose in life and that fufills you....but then when you don't get it directed back at you, you start to question your self worth......
Keep telling yourself you are enough. You need to find a few things that keep your interest that you really enjoy...look at meetup.com.....there are a ton of groups doing all kinds of things......also...sometimes I find that "fake it til you make it" being happy works......