asimplelife

What a mess my life has turned in to. I will try to give a short version of a complicated situation. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for twenty one years. He is in the military and we have lived all over the States and the last five years we have been overseas.

One year ago, we found out we needed to go to another overseas location. I was prepared to move back to the States and was devastated to have to stay overseas. I was diagnosed with "situational depression" and put on an antidepressent. My husband was also upset and eventually was put on paxil for anxiety. It probably did not help him that I became so depressed.

We have both always had a problem with alcohol. I remember every New Years making a commitment to only drinking during the week-end, but it never lasted past a week. We easily drink a bottle of wine a night each and usually start with one or two beers.

Lately, the problem is out of control. He drank gin last Saturday night and after about a half bottle I realized he didn't have control over what he was doing. He became quite cruel. He didn't become abusive but he said very hurtful things to me. The next day, he apologized all day but darned if it didn't happen again the next night. Another day, another apology. This is new in our relationship.

Our family is already under enough stress without this adding to it. We are contemplating a years separation and waiting for the military to make some decisions about our future. A lot of people have stress, though, and I know that we are not special people.

I guess I just have no idea how to proceed. I have tried to quit drinking myself and lead by example, but I get too tempted when he brings alcohol home anyway. I don't know how to identify if I am the one with the problem or he is or both.

This seemed like a good place for me to start. I want to feel hope for the future. This man and I have had a good marriage for so many years. I don't want to lose it. I want happiness again.

InsertNameHere

I know a thing or two about the military, and it sounds to me like you have two problems one you are sick of being overseas (trust me I feel your pain half of my service has been overseas just look at my location now) and the drinking. For drinking your husband could see the units SACO (Substance Abuse Counseling Officer) and get some additional information that should help both of you. If worst somes to worst the military will pay for rehab and alcohol treatment. It is not supposed to be harmful to your record if you vollenteer for it. It is a whole different story if you are forced to go for diciplinary issues. Yes I know your husband is not going to like that idea the whole macho I don't have a problem and that would make me look weak thing but if he is getting abusive it is a slippery slope to domestic violence which the military take very seriously. So that is my advice, if you need personal face to face advice see your husbands units chaplin and ask him to talk to your husband. Yes you can see the chaplin just like your husband can and yes he is legaly obligated not to say anything to anyone unless you tell him about something straight illegal.

Regarding the orders overseas, if you have been in the military for any lenght of time you should be able to request different orders. 21 years married probably means that you have been in the military for a minute, like almost 20 so I might be preaching to the chior with all of this. I don't even have 10 in yet , but if your husband is enlisted and been in a while i.e. SNCO, I would think that he might have a little bit of say in going back to the states at least especially if being overseas for so long has been effecting his mental health (and yours I know but it is the military and he is going to be the priority)

Of course my experience has been in my own branch and if you have been overseas that much I don't think we are in the same branch. I am kinda an exception to the rule in mine. Also I don't have a family. That was just my thoughts not facts just to maybe get you started on your options.

I hope that helps

asimplelife

You are so right to identify two separate problems. They are getting muddled together in my brain, but in fact they are separate. I have talked to the military regarding an early return of dependents. Basically, my daughter and I can move back at the end of the school year in June. That is probably what we will do and just wait for him on the other side.

He must stay another year due to the job that he accepted. That could also be a portion of the problem. I am "leaving" him. I don't feel like I have a choice. I have a high schooler and the school is just not acceptable. Also, she is not adjusting to being here at all either.

At this time I don't think I can go to the chaplain. I do feel like I need to talk to someone but I don't think I can go to someone in his unit. He is not enlisted and has been in the military for twenty years. Yeah, you can guess his position here.

It just feels a bit sad and hopeless at the moment. Nothing in my life prepared me for this. He has been an incredibly loving and supportive husband and father for twenty plus years.

Magichappens

Welcome asimplelife,
You found a good place for your situation. These forums are full of people who have had problems with drinking or had family members that had problems with drinking. It seems you may have two very distinct things going on. Because you are posting on the Families forum, I will address your relationship with your husband and his drinking first. You can read the posts at the top of the forum called stickies. They have a lot of good information about options that can help you get through this upsetting time in your marriage. I have been married for 23 years to an alcoholic. Personally, I wouldn't have been able to make it that long without Al-anon. If there is a meeting near where you are stationed, I would highly recommend it. It gave me the tools and the emotional serenity to not only get out of the depression and fear, but become a stronger person. I am posting the website for Al-anon. You can check to see where meetings are all over the world, and if you can't find one near you, you can get some material to read. The Forum is a magazine put out by Al-anon that many use for a meeting because they can't get to one face to face.

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

As for not being able to quit drinking, I would say to check out the other forums. I personally don't believe that there is one right way to recover from a drinking problem, and this site offers many avenues for help with that. I used to drink a lot with the alcoholics that I was around. Whenever I wasn't around them, I didn't find that I wanted to drink much. I eventually quit entirely for about 16 years because I was around AA. That is just my experience. My husband is an alcoholic who couldn't quit without the help of AA. He is still active in AA. I don't know how much help you might need to quit, but find a starting point, and don't be afraid to talk to people who have successfully quit. If you seek, you will find what works for you. Good luck, and I hope you come back and be with us. Hugs! Magic

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR. And thank you for your service. I'm sure you miss your roots very much. Many in my family are military and I was born on an Army base myself.

At the top of the Forum page are items labeled "Sticky". Click on each of those and you will see links to articles about addiction and codependency.

As well the Forum for Alcoholism will support you if you post there. In your situation, an online forum may be a good beginning until you and your daughter are settled.

I just want to encourage you to have hope. There are solutions to these problems you describe, solutions to every one of them. Many alcoholics have found recovery. Many marriages have survived and become stronger in recovery. Many wives of alcoholics have found peace and self-acceptance in Al-Anon. And there are many excellent doctors and counselors to help you with medical and psychological challenges.

You are in a period of uncertainty and some fear of the future. But if you want to be sober, if your husband wants it, then there are rock solid people in recovery in every place who are ready to help you. In the12 -Step program they recommend we replace fear with faith, and that has helped me.

I hope your move brings some wonderful friends to your daughter, some safe, recovering friends for you, and a feeling of belonging.

While you and your husband are involved in independent projects for a year apart (that year will pass very quickly probably), you can build a solid foundation of good health, sobriety, spiritual support, and a return of confidence in yourself.

You have faced many challenges in your life and I believe you will do well. Just choose the right people to associate with and avoid those who are not good for you. You'll know which ones.

Wishing you trust in your Higher Power and new doors opening for you and your family.

Welcome!

InsertNameHere

Hm, well I am enlisted so try to tread carefully on the officer side of the house but yes I know about where he would be minimum rank wise. If you all are going to head out early, the only thing I would sugest it to make it ridiculiously clear to him that you are not leaving because of him, I assume at this point you have been through a couple of deployments before so being seperated would be nothing new. You know the good ways to stay in touch and all that. Now on to the drinking, hmmm that is going to be a biggie as really they keep the officer side of the house kinda hidden from us lowly enlisted and I don't know if it is "okay" for an officer to come forward with a drinking problem but I find it really hard to belive that it wouldn't be. Have you brought your concerns up to him directly? If this drinking more and more is a recent development (and it sounds like it) you may want to talk about it now before it becomes a really big problem (and it will if the stories on this site are to be belived). If you haven't sat down and voiced you concerns then I sugest you do that and see if you can convince him that the both of you need to at least slow down if not stop for a while. Remember one key in conversation where you are proposing something to someone that they may not like, try to avoid using "you" as in "I think you need to quit drinking." You don't mean it to but it comes off as agressive and immedioutly can send someone into defense mode. Instead say something like, "I was thinking that we, might need to cut back on drinking because it seems to be causing us problems what do you think?". Once again I am single and never married so I don't really know what I am talking about when it comes to relationships I just answered because I thought you could use some advice about your military options, and didn't know that you have been around the military longer than me.

asimplelife

Thanks for respond to my post. You have given me a lot to think about. I still feel lost and confused. I suspect that won't go away for awhile. I feel like I have several problems that are all interrelated. I wish I could just solve one of them to start.

Thanks for the tips about the stickies. I will check those out.

I have talked to my husband about this in the past. I find if I tell him I will quit drinking, he will pick that night to have a drink at the bar with friends and come home late. He will say, wait up for me and we'll have a glass of whatever when I get home. If I say no, he stays out really late. Sometimes he will quit for two or three nights but always caves around that time. At one point we last two weeks, but went right back. I wish I had been stronger then.

I don't think he has any desire to quit anymore. I don't think he will talk to anyone about this. I am afraid that he will one day drive this way or have an affair. I don't know how to stop it. I don't think that I can do anything. It is really hard to live with someone like this that I do love so much.

asimplelife

He got home last night after a two week trip. I have been able to quit drinking myself for five days and I was feeling pretty good and happy to see him. He was gone on a business trip and showed us lots of pictures. It was a very exotic places so lots to see but in so many photos he was drinking and/ or smoking. Yes, at 43 years of age he has started a cigarette habit. Who does that? He never ever smoked before.

He was pretty snappy last night. I can't say downright mean but snappy. I am just sick of it. I can't stand to look at him. He told me last night he will not ever quit and he doesn't want to hear it anymore. I told him I wanted to go stay at a hotel. He said he really didn't care. I don't think he does. I don't think he has the ability to feel for me anymore. I am sad about that, but to be honest at the moment I don't much like him either.

My dilemma. I am on a freaking military base in a foreign country. I HAVE no where to go. Do I take the big step and leave him? What about my daughter? She is 16. She wants to go with me and move to FL NOW. Do I take this man's child away from him? Would he ever forgive me for this?

Right now, I am supposed to leave for a ten day trip back to the States to visit family. She is not part of the plan to come and would have to miss school. After his grumpiness towards her last night and his lack of caring, I am tempted to pull her out of school and bring her. Then what? Move on to FL and start living out lives again? I am just so scared and confused. We don't have the money for me to move to a hotel for awhile here. Should I take this trip and see how things are after they have had this time together without me?

SoaringSpirits

My AH did the same thing. Started smoking at age 44 after years of hating smoking and smokers.

As for your daughter, maybe take her back to Florida for your 10 day trip and have some time just the two of you. Then see how you both feel about going home permanently. You have so little time left with her. She will be out of your home in a few short years. Make the most of it.

Magichappens

Asimplelife,
I often drank with active alcoholics. I wanted to have a connection. I wanted to understand. When I wasn't around them, I had little desire to drink more than once in a while.

Alcoholics want that connection with us too. When we take a stand and decide this isn't good for us, they feel threatened. They try to manipulate in order to keep something in the relationship that they think is important. If you want to quit, and you want to help them lessen their fears, reassure them that you love them and want to be with them. You just want to do the healthy thing for yourself.

I smoked when I met my husband. We would sit around and drink coffee or tea and smoke and talk. I decided to quit about 5 yrs ago. It was uncomfortable at first, letting him go smoke while I continued whatever I was doing at the time. I did lose that connection we had with this, but it really wasn't very serious. I made it a much bigger deal than it really was. The same with drinking. He will realize that it is not going to rip you away from him. No, you won't have that one thing in common, but your reassurance that the relationship and love is still there might help him to feel more secure about your decision. It can't hurt to try, since it sounds like he is going to try to undermine your successfully carrying out your decision anyway. Good luck, Magic

Hopeworks

simple,

When I made the decision that MY life would be alcohol free it simplified my decision making immensely. I could not control my A but I could define my own boundaries and communicate those boundaries in a fair and loving way.

If the alcohol use is not acceptable for you any longer than you communicate that to your partner and they have the option of choosing their path in light of our needs. It sounds like you did and he told you it was not something he was willing to consider changing or giving up.

What I wish I had understood years ago is that I SHOULD have viewed and accepted my A as he was THEN at that moment (drunk, irresponsible, selfish etc) instead of always romanticizing and putting faith in his promises that he was going to be the man I wanted him to be (sober, responsible, loving, hard working, deep integrity etc...).

Because I wanted to HOPE and DREAM of the man I wanted my husband to be I stayed in denial for years blocking the signals that down deep he didn't want to be that man! He also admired that man but he didn't want to do the hard work of recovery and spiritual growth to be that man in his core.

The roller coaster (sober, binge, rehabs, recovery... rinse and repeat) for years is wearing even when you are in recovery yourself.

If your husband does not even want to consider change or sobriety then your choices are clear... hard but clear.... things will NOT change unless he wants to change and he doesn't...so they will stay the same and sadly will get progressivly worse.

Are you better off and can you be happy with him now at his worst? That is most likely the best you can hope for or would you be happier in Florida raising your daughter alone?

Try to find a great counselor ... maybe in the states if not available where you are stationed?

What part of Florida are you coming to? I live in Florida...