Selfish and self-Pity
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
Selfish and self-Pity
I was told by my STBXAH that our marriage was "sh*T because of MY selfishness and self-pity". I certainly am not perfect, but I was a very loving and devoted spouse who put up with MUCH MORE than I ever should have! So, you can only imagine that my pants ARE ON FIRE. So friends, let's talk about selfishness!
* Selfish is walking out on your family a third time and not caring about who or what you left behind.
*Selfish is what you said to your step-daughter (who is 8) just a few weeks before you left but clearly not meaning it (that you loved her and cared about her and was there for her).
*Selfish is letting your "wife" take the brunt of the financial responsibility around here while you fed your drinking habit and played golf more than any golfer I know. How many sets of clubs did you have over the two years you played?
*Selfish is ordering movies on cable but not giving a thought as to who would end up paying for them.
*Selfish is looking up escort services and then signing up for an online dating service all the while having a wife at home that you knew loved you (but let's be honest, no matter how crappy you treated me I would always be there and you knew that, right?).
*Selfish is buying me that bracelet at Christmas when it really wasn't a gift from your heart, was it?? ... If I was honest with myself I would guess it was a guilt gift because of what you did in Ohio (looked up Escort services)... HBO special ... That's funny.
*Selfish is leaving two hours earlier than you had to for a business trip while your wife was sick so you could get to Ohio to eat and study ... When in fact all you did was eat and drink and look up dating services.
*Selfish is telling me that you would cut back on your drinking when you really didn't have any intention to (but now that I know a lot more about alcoholism you couldn't because you're what they call addicted).
*Selfish was watching me clean this house, do laundry, food shop, pay bills, etc. every week and barely ever lifting a finger to help.
*Selfish was telling me I didn't need my anti-depressant and then acting like an A-hole to me when I came off of it and treating me like crap because I was depressed.
*Selfish is calling me a stupid f-ing b*tch (and whatever else you could think of) every time you got drunk and angry and then blaming ME the next day. *Selfish is not being honest with yourself and your family about just how sick you are. My guess is you blame me every chance you get and just "forget" to mention that you get drunk EVERYDAY and have been for what ... the past 8 years? But somehow in your sick mind you justify your behavior and many shortcomings, while exaggerating mine to make yourself look and feel better.
*Selfish is making me apologize for my mistakes over and over and over again - then again, now that I look back it was your way of being in control and being abusive.
I could go on and on, but HE'S NOT WORTH IT. He'll keep falling and making a mess of his life because alcoholism is a progressive disease that DOESN'T get better without treatment. It's only a matter of time before he gets a DUI or gets in an accident. If he plays it "safe" and just drinks at home, it's still just as bad ... It will start effecting his job and/or his health, if it hasn't already.
Selfish ... sounds like someone needs to think about what selfish truly means!
Ahhh - I feel better!
* Selfish is walking out on your family a third time and not caring about who or what you left behind.
*Selfish is what you said to your step-daughter (who is 8) just a few weeks before you left but clearly not meaning it (that you loved her and cared about her and was there for her).
*Selfish is letting your "wife" take the brunt of the financial responsibility around here while you fed your drinking habit and played golf more than any golfer I know. How many sets of clubs did you have over the two years you played?
*Selfish is ordering movies on cable but not giving a thought as to who would end up paying for them.
*Selfish is looking up escort services and then signing up for an online dating service all the while having a wife at home that you knew loved you (but let's be honest, no matter how crappy you treated me I would always be there and you knew that, right?).
*Selfish is buying me that bracelet at Christmas when it really wasn't a gift from your heart, was it?? ... If I was honest with myself I would guess it was a guilt gift because of what you did in Ohio (looked up Escort services)... HBO special ... That's funny.
*Selfish is leaving two hours earlier than you had to for a business trip while your wife was sick so you could get to Ohio to eat and study ... When in fact all you did was eat and drink and look up dating services.
*Selfish is telling me that you would cut back on your drinking when you really didn't have any intention to (but now that I know a lot more about alcoholism you couldn't because you're what they call addicted).
*Selfish was watching me clean this house, do laundry, food shop, pay bills, etc. every week and barely ever lifting a finger to help.
*Selfish was telling me I didn't need my anti-depressant and then acting like an A-hole to me when I came off of it and treating me like crap because I was depressed.
*Selfish is calling me a stupid f-ing b*tch (and whatever else you could think of) every time you got drunk and angry and then blaming ME the next day. *Selfish is not being honest with yourself and your family about just how sick you are. My guess is you blame me every chance you get and just "forget" to mention that you get drunk EVERYDAY and have been for what ... the past 8 years? But somehow in your sick mind you justify your behavior and many shortcomings, while exaggerating mine to make yourself look and feel better.
*Selfish is making me apologize for my mistakes over and over and over again - then again, now that I look back it was your way of being in control and being abusive.
I could go on and on, but HE'S NOT WORTH IT. He'll keep falling and making a mess of his life because alcoholism is a progressive disease that DOESN'T get better without treatment. It's only a matter of time before he gets a DUI or gets in an accident. If he plays it "safe" and just drinks at home, it's still just as bad ... It will start effecting his job and/or his health, if it hasn't already.
Selfish ... sounds like someone needs to think about what selfish truly means!
Ahhh - I feel better!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
love, this is called SHIFT BLAMING...he does this to make him feel better...don't by into it...
you have a back bone, you know how to use it...did let him talk DOWN to you, because thats all it is...
dont apologize unless YOU MEAN IT...he wont(right?) nope, just another sick diseased man who is NOT working a program and getting well...
remember: this is your life ...:ghug3
you have a back bone, you know how to use it...did let him talk DOWN to you, because thats all it is...
dont apologize unless YOU MEAN IT...he wont(right?) nope, just another sick diseased man who is NOT working a program and getting well...
remember: this is your life ...:ghug3
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
Wow...do they all do this shift blaming? I've been listening to how great he is and how selfish/cold I am for weeks. I actually find myself buying it a lot of the time. You go girl, I hope I can find the strength to leave soon.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
yes they do ALOT of SHIFT BLAMING...because they want to keep drinking, thats all...
we have the problem of the drink, we hate how they act, behave, etc..so its OUR PROBLEM not theirs...step 1 is the best place to start...
the disease is very simple...its all about when the next drink/high is...and how do i get it?..its a selfish disease....
AL ANON stops the enabling and us to get a back bone to say NO! (and that i am not taking this anymore!)
please read and read and read some more...but our HONEST program puts us 1st, and our well being...
we have the problem of the drink, we hate how they act, behave, etc..so its OUR PROBLEM not theirs...step 1 is the best place to start...
the disease is very simple...its all about when the next drink/high is...and how do i get it?..its a selfish disease....
AL ANON stops the enabling and us to get a back bone to say NO! (and that i am not taking this anymore!)
please read and read and read some more...but our HONEST program puts us 1st, and our well being...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
This is the alcoholic marriage. Very tough to read as I am reminded of how failed and rejected I felt by the A's resentment of me.
It is the detail in your post that is so helpful to everyone. Thank you for that. We read generalities in recovery literature usually: the alcoholic is "selfish," "grandiose," "a tin god", and so forth.
But your post is so heart-wrenching because it reminds me of what it felt like to be the victim of that selfishness, grandiosity, and domination.
Our minds may know addiction creates the King Baby.
But our hearts get ripped out anyway.
Hope you are on the road to loving who you are.
It is the detail in your post that is so helpful to everyone. Thank you for that. We read generalities in recovery literature usually: the alcoholic is "selfish," "grandiose," "a tin god", and so forth.
But your post is so heart-wrenching because it reminds me of what it felt like to be the victim of that selfishness, grandiosity, and domination.
Our minds may know addiction creates the King Baby.
But our hearts get ripped out anyway.
Hope you are on the road to loving who you are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
It's been 6 weeks since my AH moved out (my AH left me, not the other way around). The first four weeks were the hardest. But then the sadness started to slowly move aside (don't get me wrong, it still comes and goes) and I was able to sit back and realize how peaceful things were for once. I was able to see things for what they actually were, not what I wanted them to be, not what I hoped they would be, not what I imagined they were. I have a LONG way to go in my own recovery, but I'll make it. My faith, my daughter, my family, my dogs, my friends, my neighbors, the SR forum and even complete strangers have helped me in ways I can't even begin to describe.
There are two things I know for sure right now ... I may still be grieving, but I'm dealing. He's not dealing, he's just numbing -- like he always have.
There are two things I know for sure right now ... I may still be grieving, but I'm dealing. He's not dealing, he's just numbing -- like he always have.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
