ugh...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
ugh...
i don't know what to say. it's been awhile since i've been on here, and my mind is currently a jumbled mess of frustration.
i recently got back together with my ab (who absolutely denies having ANY sort of problem) and have found that we tend to go through a two week cycle of greatness, followed by two days of pure hell. i am desperately trying to detach from his drinking, and have been making a concerted effort to NOT mention it and NOT act as if i loathe the smell of rum on his breath and just when i thought i was starting to get the hang of it, it began to crumble.
last night i became upset when he came home and mentioned that he turned down tickets to a st. patrick's day festival because he *knew* i wouldn't like it because he would be drinking. in all honesty, i wanted to attend to work on my detachment and prove to him that i wasn't going to meddle or say anything about his drinking. i was upset that he completely took away any part of my decision-making and tried to tell me how i felt about it. that, in turn, led to him insisting that i will NEVER be okay with him drinking and that he will NEVER be able to drink in front of me or have his friends over for shots and such.
we spent the next few hours in a heated battle where i kept trying to defend myself and insist that i'm okay with him living his life as he chooses, and he kept insisting that i won't ever really be okay with it. in many ways, it seems to me that he is projecting his own deeply-buried concerns and thoughts onto me, and once more turning me into his enemy. no matter what i said, i couldn't get across to him that i was not upset about the prospect of him drinking, but merely the fact that he keeps taking away my choices and telling me how i feel about things.
he has made it very clear that he wants me to trust that he has his drinking under control right now, and all i'm asking in return is that he trusts my detachment. i feel like, in order for us both to move forward, we need to test situations out so that we can *prove* to each other our points. i feel like he is giving me absolutely NO credit whatsoever, and putting zero trust into me. it's making me feel like a crazy woman because i keep trying to give him what he wants (the detachment -- which, really, i want more than him) and he keeps beating me down and insisting that i'm making an issue of his drinking. funny enough, i am not usually the one that brings drinking into our arguments. nor am i the one that ever uses the label "alcoholic."
could it be that he is feeling guilty and simply lashing out at me? i'm the one who stood beside him as he spiraled downward and landed in the hospital last april. and i'm the one who stood beside him through four months of aa. i saw him the lowest he's ever been and now am standing beside as he "controls his drinking." he always insists that he *can't* drink in front of me because i don't like it (true, i don't, but i have never told him not to), and that he *can't* hang out with his friends because he wants to avoid an argument (again...never told him he can't hang out with his friends).
am i just the easiest target? why am i always the enemy? also...he is VERY negative and condescending about the fact that i don't drink, which i find confusing. i view it as a positive aspect about me, but he belittles it and makes me out to be a freak.
ugh. thanks for letting me vent. i could say more, but this is already disjointed enough.
i recently got back together with my ab (who absolutely denies having ANY sort of problem) and have found that we tend to go through a two week cycle of greatness, followed by two days of pure hell. i am desperately trying to detach from his drinking, and have been making a concerted effort to NOT mention it and NOT act as if i loathe the smell of rum on his breath and just when i thought i was starting to get the hang of it, it began to crumble.
last night i became upset when he came home and mentioned that he turned down tickets to a st. patrick's day festival because he *knew* i wouldn't like it because he would be drinking. in all honesty, i wanted to attend to work on my detachment and prove to him that i wasn't going to meddle or say anything about his drinking. i was upset that he completely took away any part of my decision-making and tried to tell me how i felt about it. that, in turn, led to him insisting that i will NEVER be okay with him drinking and that he will NEVER be able to drink in front of me or have his friends over for shots and such.
we spent the next few hours in a heated battle where i kept trying to defend myself and insist that i'm okay with him living his life as he chooses, and he kept insisting that i won't ever really be okay with it. in many ways, it seems to me that he is projecting his own deeply-buried concerns and thoughts onto me, and once more turning me into his enemy. no matter what i said, i couldn't get across to him that i was not upset about the prospect of him drinking, but merely the fact that he keeps taking away my choices and telling me how i feel about things.
he has made it very clear that he wants me to trust that he has his drinking under control right now, and all i'm asking in return is that he trusts my detachment. i feel like, in order for us both to move forward, we need to test situations out so that we can *prove* to each other our points. i feel like he is giving me absolutely NO credit whatsoever, and putting zero trust into me. it's making me feel like a crazy woman because i keep trying to give him what he wants (the detachment -- which, really, i want more than him) and he keeps beating me down and insisting that i'm making an issue of his drinking. funny enough, i am not usually the one that brings drinking into our arguments. nor am i the one that ever uses the label "alcoholic."
could it be that he is feeling guilty and simply lashing out at me? i'm the one who stood beside him as he spiraled downward and landed in the hospital last april. and i'm the one who stood beside him through four months of aa. i saw him the lowest he's ever been and now am standing beside as he "controls his drinking." he always insists that he *can't* drink in front of me because i don't like it (true, i don't, but i have never told him not to), and that he *can't* hang out with his friends because he wants to avoid an argument (again...never told him he can't hang out with his friends).
am i just the easiest target? why am i always the enemy? also...he is VERY negative and condescending about the fact that i don't drink, which i find confusing. i view it as a positive aspect about me, but he belittles it and makes me out to be a freak.
ugh. thanks for letting me vent. i could say more, but this is already disjointed enough.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Shawty,
I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time right now.
As a rhetorical question, what sort of joy does this kind of relationship bring into your life? You deserve joy, peace, laughter....it doesn't sound as though the two of you have those things.
If most of my conversations with someone centered on whether or not we trusted one another, it would be a clear sign to me that we don't.
Yes, I'm sorry to say you are the easiest target because you have placed yourself in his path. He may be criticizing you because you don't drink, and the mere fact that you don't is a buzz-kill for his addiction.
You are not, however, a freak and you do deserve to be very happy. It certainly does not sound as though you are, and I'm sorry to hear that. You deserve peace and joy. We all do.
I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time right now.
As a rhetorical question, what sort of joy does this kind of relationship bring into your life? You deserve joy, peace, laughter....it doesn't sound as though the two of you have those things.
Originally Posted by shawty80
it's making me feel like a crazy woman because i keep trying to give him what he wants (the detachment -- which, really, i want more than him) and he keeps beating me down and insisting that i'm making an issue of his drinking. funny enough, i am not usually the one that brings drinking into our arguments. nor am i the one that ever uses the label "alcoholic."
Originally Posted by shawty80
am i just the easiest target? why am i always the enemy? also...he is VERY negative and condescending about the fact that i don't drink, which i find confusing. i view it as a positive aspect about me, but he belittles it and makes me out to be a freak.
You are not, however, a freak and you do deserve to be very happy. It certainly does not sound as though you are, and I'm sorry to hear that. You deserve peace and joy. We all do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
gee, it really bugs me when people tell me what i am feeling.
wouldn't it be nice to have a man who actually listened to what you were expressing?
personally, i'm done with all that projection. i'll make my own decisions. i'll feel my own feelings. it's my human right!
wouldn't it be nice to have a man who actually listened to what you were expressing?
personally, i'm done with all that projection. i'll make my own decisions. i'll feel my own feelings. it's my human right!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I had similar interactions with an alkie bf - 3 years now he keeps drinking-
There ARE great men out there who care and who love themselves enough to respect you.
Have you gone to Alanon? I never went to Alanon but an AA was nearby, I went, I listened and the feedback I got from recovered Alcoholics was priceless.
There ARE great men out there who care and who love themselves enough to respect you.
Have you gone to Alanon? I never went to Alanon but an AA was nearby, I went, I listened and the feedback I got from recovered Alcoholics was priceless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
thanks all. 
takingcharge, i went to several al-anon meetings last summer, but felt a bit uncomfortable as they were so small (including me, there were only four attendees). i felt almost forced to participate, and while i did, it just didn't settle well. however, i did pore over a few of the books, cozied up to soberrecovery, and have spent countless hours talking with two of my counselor friends (one at school, and another a resident at a community mental health clinic) who have offered up TONS of resources and advice on how to focus on me. it's definitely slow-going, but obviously necessary. oh...i also went to a couple of aa meetings, but they were with my ab who, ya know...isn't an alcoholic.
takingcharge, i went to several al-anon meetings last summer, but felt a bit uncomfortable as they were so small (including me, there were only four attendees). i felt almost forced to participate, and while i did, it just didn't settle well. however, i did pore over a few of the books, cozied up to soberrecovery, and have spent countless hours talking with two of my counselor friends (one at school, and another a resident at a community mental health clinic) who have offered up TONS of resources and advice on how to focus on me. it's definitely slow-going, but obviously necessary. oh...i also went to a couple of aa meetings, but they were with my ab who, ya know...isn't an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by shawty80 
i'm the one who stood beside him as he spiraled downward and landed in the hospital last april. and i'm the one who stood beside him through four months of aa. i saw him the lowest he's ever been and now am standing beside as he "controls his drinking."
I once believed that the more I sacrificed for him, the more he owed me. That line of thinking caused me nothing but suffering. I continued to martyr myself on the altar of "the relationship" because I just knew that someday he would "see the light" and appreciate "all I had done for him." And when he failed to come around, I was angry. It was not him that was making me miserable, it was my own beliefs and expectations.
L
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
watch those 4 m's- mothering, manipulating, managing, and martyring.......when he tries to draw you into a fight say either 1. "I am sorry you feel that way." or 2. "Oh?!" and keep detaching with love and if Alanon taught me anything it is to- not react......and do not engage with someone activily using.....and to run whatever feeling or character defect I am having through the steps......step one is the problem but we have 11 more for the solution !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I hope you take my comments in the spirit they are intended. There are many things I couldn't (or wouldn't) see about my own behavior when I was consumed by codependence. There are a couple of things in the quote above that remind me of beliefs I carried from my childhood that turned out to be harmful to me.
I once believed that the more I sacrificed for him, the more he owed me. That line of thinking caused me nothing but suffering. I continued to martyr myself on the altar of "the relationship" because I just knew that someday he would "see the light" and appreciate "all I had done for him." And when he failed to come around, I was angry. It was not him that was making me miserable, it was my own beliefs and expectations.
L
I once believed that the more I sacrificed for him, the more he owed me. That line of thinking caused me nothing but suffering. I continued to martyr myself on the altar of "the relationship" because I just knew that someday he would "see the light" and appreciate "all I had done for him." And when he failed to come around, I was angry. It was not him that was making me miserable, it was my own beliefs and expectations.
L
Boy howdy, LTD! And when I let go of those crazy notions and walked away, my husband actually got sober all on his own! Weird! ; )
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 9
Shawty,
I can remember being so wrapped up in the drinking, and the arguing about the drinking, and arguing about arguing about the drinking... that I had no idea about detachment, I wasn't even close to that concept.
last night i became upset when he came home and mentioned that he turned down tickets to a st. patrick's day festival because he *knew* i wouldn't like it because he would be drinking. in all honesty, i wanted to attend to work on my detachment and prove to him that i wasn't going to meddle or say anything about his drinking.
Sure he baited you... but being mad because he couldn't let you practice your detachment... that is not really detaching.
I hear the question asked here alot "What are you getting out of this relationship?"
For me there were two insights related to that question:
1) That I deserved better
2) That there was something keeping me coming back to relationship ... I was addicted to the drama.
It wasn't until I took a hard look at myself (and not the addict) that things began to change for me. That vehicle was Alanon, and I sat through many meetings where after the other 3 people shared, we sat in silence for 20 minutes and I didn't say anything. Those were sometimes the most peaceful 20 min of my week. Starting slowly with the slogans, going to a step study meeting, getting a sponsor, actually doing the steps - I am seeing changes in my life.
If going to meetings doesn't work for you, there are other alternatives... try searching for speaker talks online or Alanon podcasts.
I really like the speaker talks.
-Brian
I can remember being so wrapped up in the drinking, and the arguing about the drinking, and arguing about arguing about the drinking... that I had no idea about detachment, I wasn't even close to that concept.
last night i became upset when he came home and mentioned that he turned down tickets to a st. patrick's day festival because he *knew* i wouldn't like it because he would be drinking. in all honesty, i wanted to attend to work on my detachment and prove to him that i wasn't going to meddle or say anything about his drinking.
Sure he baited you... but being mad because he couldn't let you practice your detachment... that is not really detaching.
I hear the question asked here alot "What are you getting out of this relationship?"
For me there were two insights related to that question:
1) That I deserved better
2) That there was something keeping me coming back to relationship ... I was addicted to the drama.
It wasn't until I took a hard look at myself (and not the addict) that things began to change for me. That vehicle was Alanon, and I sat through many meetings where after the other 3 people shared, we sat in silence for 20 minutes and I didn't say anything. Those were sometimes the most peaceful 20 min of my week. Starting slowly with the slogans, going to a step study meeting, getting a sponsor, actually doing the steps - I am seeing changes in my life.
If going to meetings doesn't work for you, there are other alternatives... try searching for speaker talks online or Alanon podcasts.
I really like the speaker talks.
-Brian
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
One thing I personally realized as a recovering person myself is -I need to follow directions of the AA program and not go to parties or celebrations where there is alcohol - " watch slippery places and people."....I had 9yrs. sober- and relapsed. Now I am paying very close attention to the suggestions - and I have 7 yrs. back "in." When I get complacent about meetings I go to MORE meetings. When I want to isolate I pick up the 100lb. phone and talk to people. I work the steps. I run my character defects through the steps. I know today what I need to do to take care of me.
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