fhl41

I have broken up with my boyfriend for the third time now in 8 months because of his drinking. WHY does he keep trying to win me back when he knows that i know he has a drinking problem.

It had gotten to the point where I was monitoring his drinking, checking his empties, analzying his voice whenever I called him, basically obsessing about his drinking and it was making me miserable so I ended it for good last night.

It is hard though becasue when he's not drinking he is an amazing person to be with but In my heart I know it is hopeless.

Tonight he is texting me and texting me telling me he misses me and wants me back etc etc. Playing on my emotions once again! i can't take it. It makes me start doubting my decision and makes me think i am going crazy.

I don't get it... why does he even want to be with me?? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to be almost happy to be rid of me considering that I am always on him about his drinking wouldn't it make more sense for him to go find someone that will put up with him???

i can't take it anymore, just go already.

leave me be!

mayalewiston

Hi fhl41,
You will get some amazing advice here. I've only been here for about a week and I can't tell you how much the wonderful people on this forum have helped me. Your story sounds so much like mine... and many others here. I strongly suggest that you start reading through the threads and you will see just how common your story is... that's what I did when I started posting and it really helped me to see that I wasn't going crazy, as well as the hard reality that until the alcoholic is ready to change, they are NOT going to. As an active alcoholic, they are only thinking about themselves - HE misses you but doesn't give a **** that he knows he can't give you what you want - it's all very narcissistic. As everyone will tell you, you need to focus on YOU and what you can control... As someone who HAD tried to control, monitor, and analyze my AH for years, trust me, it doesn't work... or really even matter. They will do what they want.

I went through this crazy circle with my AH forever until I finally had enough and moved out last week. It starts with a drinking binge, then an angry few days, then a sorry / miss you / "going to quit" few days, then the drink / lie / be angry few days, and around we go again...

Hugs to you... keep posting and keep reading. It's done WONDERS for me!! I also highly recommend the "QUACKERS" thread - I'm guessing you will find some of it all too familiar!

Pelican

I recommend NC - No Contact. It is hard to maintain, but it gives you control of your serenity!

The texts, delete them without reading.
Turn off your ringer when you go to sleep at night.
Delete emails without reading.

Let your actions (no contact) show that you mean you are done with his addiction.

If you continue to get texts and calls, you may need to block his number.

Wing

I hope u could stop the cycle... It may just go on and on if we carelessly fall into it again. I also tried to break up with my ex 3 times in a month. Even after we finally broke up. The text messages never stop. He msg me every morning and night. And finally sucked me back in 5 months after breakup. And it ended with a big ugly drama.

All I got in the end is more hurt...
Best wish for u... Pls be fine

fhl41

Thank you so much for your responses, I have visited this place for months now and it has given me tremendous strength since I have been struggling with this latest relationship. I finally had the nerve to join in the conversation last night!

All your stories help me realize I am not alone in this. I am not crazy.

I cannot go back to this man I know that.

Sometimes it feels like it is all I deserve though. Growing up in an alcoholic home it is all I have really known. It is so ridiculous though because I hated my environment as a child. Why would I want to be in it now? I guess it feels comfortable at times, maybe its the drama, maybe its an addiction in itself.

Man i have allot of work to do.

LucyA

because he's managed it twice in 8 months and he thinks he'll manage it again.

If you know you aren't going back again stick to your guns and don't respond to him at all in any way. I's hard at first sometimes but it's also empowering when you realise you really are strong enough to do it.
You really do deserve so much better.

suki44883

Excellent! He keeps trying because it keeps working. Why wouldn't he keep doing what works?

Only you can decide if you are done. If you are done, then BE done and block him from contacting you in any way. Keeping communication lines open only encourages him and keeps you upset. If you are done, then BE done.

nodaybut2day

IMO, be done with it and block his number. He needs to understand that you will not be swayed. Give yourself the gift of peace.

Linkmeister

I was in your shoes close to four years ago-can't remember the number of times HE broke it off with me when he was drinking. It got to the point where he ran out of excuses as to why we should not be together-each and every time, he told me he loved me - I took him back because I believed him.

Once I started going to Al-Anon and visiting here @ SR, I realized one thing-I had choices. I could continue the cycle and enable his drinking or, I could set boundaries and not accept the unacceptable, which was his drinking and the behaviours it brought out. The more I did that, the nastier he got, the insults got worse, the drinking got worse.

About a year ago, I finally had the courage to say "enough" and broke things off with him after constant relapses and what followed. It wasn't a huge blowout or anything like that in fact, considering our turbulent history, it was very anti-climactic.He felt that he did not need any recovery program to stop drinking and hated the fact that I was attending Al-Anon. I chose not to continue in this relationship because it was going nowhere, except in this circle.

That was a hard break for me to achieve, but I did it. Went total no contact in order to maintain my sanity. Two weeks after I did that, he was trolling dating sites and FB, looking for his "soulmate", saying he had been "single for two years." Truth in advertising there....LOL....One year later, I have no regrets about what I did and I feel good that I had the courage to do this.

Just last week, I saw him in the grocery store - he looked like he just fell out of bed. We talked for a minute or two - the smell of stale alcohol was overpowering. For a minute, I wanted to ask him to go for a coffee to sit and talk, but I realized that it would be starting the cycle all over again. Told him I had to run, as I had other errands. That was a huge step for me to do, but I did it and it felt good.

A's are good at manipulation and blaming - in my experience, they want someone around to lay the blame on, to enable them in their drinking. As long as you're there to answer him, he will keep coming back to you. Block all ways he can get hold of you for your serenity and peace.

Freedom1990

One of my sponsors often reminded me that it wasn't the "why" that was important; rather it was "what do I need to do now" that mattered at the moment.

I am responsible for my happiness, health, and well-being. When I place that in someone else's hands, I am headed for big trouble.

I also needed consistent help in looking at my codependency patterns and changing those. Alanon, therapy, and the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie were and still are lifesavers for me.

Sending you hugs of support!

Tuffgirl

I'm with Freedom on this one. Why worry about his motives? Focus on yourself and what you intend to do now.