Wing

My exABF called me crazy when

he got drunk & blackout 3 times a week; 3 weeks in a row. I tried to explain my feeling and my worry. He couldn't communicate. So, I wrote him letter and explained that I needed a break for maybe 2 weeks, so that we could calm down & think about what we want in our life. I reminded him in the beginning and ending of the letter that I love and care about him. Just to make sure that he wouldn't be too sensitive & think that i just wanted to walk away when he needed someone.

My exABF called me crazy when

He told me that he'd only drink 1 beer. In the end, he was drinking beers, Jager Bomb, gin tonic... grabbed another drink when we got into cab. Bought 4 more cans of beer at the convenient store before we got home. Then, called the friend to come up again & drink. I hid the beer. I refilled his beer can several times with water but he didn't notice. (& he's a chef)

my exABR called me crazy when

he came back home drunk and got paranoid. He dragged me out from bed, accused me of fxxking other guys & went S&M activity just because I have some bruise on my legs. He wanted to kicked me out when it was 2:30am. He didn't want to have a talk for 2 weeks. I went to pack my stuffs when he was drinking with friends on street.

We finally broke up.
We've been being together for only 3 mths. Now, it's 5 months after we broke up. But the crazy toxic relationship never ended till last Fri. We were always in touch with sms. He msg me when he woke up, when he got off work. I asked what he wanted, I said that I couldn't take it anymore. If we still like each other, we try to work it out. If he wanted to be fren, it's not yet time. He just said "I don't know" as always for every single question.

[Now I worry if I'm getting crazy]

Crazy incident 1
In Jan, he's been sexting me. (he also did this when we just broke up. I begged him stop hurting me as I have done nth bad to him) I got so angry, I felt no respect, I felt sad... I went to his restaurant, went into his kitchen & requested for a talk. His freaking friend was there (he always tried to provoke me whenever my ExABF was away, even has asked me if i wanted cocaine, wtf) Once I saw this crappy guy, I couldn't be calm! I showed my middle finger & called him dxxkhead. Threw my phone at my ex & pushed him, asked him to talk with me.

We talked for 2 hours on street. It was ok, first time talked face to face since we broke up 4 mths ago. Surprisingly he could talk, NORMALLY! He said that he's not drinking anymore, he found it's a waste of time. He said that he only drank 1 beer in past few mth (which is not true. He drunk called me at 4am the day before, after a fight over the sms. I didn't pick up) He said that he wanted to see me but he knew that he'd **** me off. He said that he wanted to have a nice gf but he can't handle reship. I said it's good closure. We say goodbye. He told me not thinking too much. BUT, HE SEXTING ME AGAIN WHEN I WAS IN CAB. He said that he avoided hug & ran coz he was afraid.

He kept sexting. I felt angry, i felt no respect, I felt sad... What he regarded me as? I finally dialed a number I found for him half a year ago, when he told me that he needed help and told me to find him therapy. Ridiculously, now, I dial this number to help myself instead of him. Again, he said that I was crazy!!!

Crazy incident 2
I had my counseling. Social worker said, she could tell that i love him & care about him so much. I thought, yes.... Then, last Monday. He msg me, said that he was sitting in a park at mid night. He was confused. He thought that he deserved all crap in his life. Said that he's having hard time & wished to have a fresh start. I do love this man, deep in my heart. I wish to support him. Next night, he kept asking me to meet him. But it was mid night & i was in bed. I said that he can't be that selfish. He can't expect others to running around him as the centre of the world. I asked "if i need u at mid nite, would u do the same for me?" He said yes! (HELL YEA! WHO WOULD BELIEVE?) I told him that I could meet him next night instead. Ok, I met him on Wed. He wanted sex, I said it's not right. But in the end, we did. I was with tear which he didn't even noticed. He said that I was twisted as I met him after all these crap. (I AGREE. I MUST BE CRAZY NOW)

Crazy incident 3 (BIG DRAMA)
Thur, he had dayoff but he said that he's busy for all paper... & he woke up early with me at 8am. I went to work & he went to Police station with fren (refused to tell me why. but he had a piece of glass in his lip. I dunno whether it's kitchen accident or what. He refused to answer) He msg me again at nite But i already slept. (though later I found out in fb that crappy fren was at his home & had bday celebration)

So, Friday.
We talked in sms. & at mid nite, I asked how his work was. He asked what I did. I said that I went counseling after work, then I was watching DVD at home. He said "Wow". I slept after DVD. We said goodnite.

So, the drama began....

(I had opened a fb a/c with random girl pic and name. I msged him with this a/c the week ago & asked if he wanted to have some fun. He said that he's not gonna pay. He thought that (she)'s a *****. But he finally asked for phone no.! I gave a phone number & he gave his. I was texting him with that number that nite. But he didn't go out to meet. Said he's not drinking, not going to the red light district.)

Just when I got into bed. Dunno from where I got the idea to login that a/c. & wtf, he messaged (that girl) when he was talking with me, right after I said that I met counselor. He wrote "hey you"

I used that phone card to msg him.
He asked what (she) was doing.
(She) said "when will u meet me?"
He said "come over".
(She) asked for address
He said xxx street.
(She) asked for detail address.
He said "I may not stay awake for long though"
(She) said what do u want then
He said "you could come over but what about $$$?"
(she) said, no... just tell me the address.
HE TOLD THE DETAILED ADRESS WITH DIRECTION AND DESCRIPTION OF THE COLOUR OF GATE! & ask "DRINK?"
He even told her to bring beer & he had a champagne at home!!! (Brain damaged??? Free ***** + free beer?)

I used my phone to msg him. Told him that I wasnna see him, could I come over?
He said that he had headache & took medicine. He needed to sleep.
I said "As i told u, u wouldn't be there if i want u"
He said "i'm about to sleep, i really don't feel well. Just this time please. I'll have dayoff on Sunday. Let's wait till tomorrow. I will call u. We meet up for dinner or something?" "Wing, I almost sleep." have a good sleep, Wing. I'll call you tomorrow"

Hell, yea. I was in cab...
I went there, knocked the door. He opened immediately. How excited?!
He saw me... & said "ahhh, i just fin the last game"
I said "LIAR!! U just told a random woman to come over!!!"
I threw my phone, I asked him why he was lying, told me that he needed my attention but doing this. Slept with me & called up ***** & planned to sleep with me again on Sun!! I slapped in his face sharp!!!

He jumped up. Turned to a monster & grabbed my collar, lifted me up & shaked me!!! I called Police. He got calm again & sit down.
But I kept blaming at him & slapping in his face non-stop... countless times.

It ended like disaster.
& I should be happy that it finally end. No return?!
I am sure that he won't contact anymore as he's so pissed & he think that i'm crazy...

I'm crazier than him. FINALLY...

I went counseling again today... the social worker said that I'm doing things opposite to what my heart want. She said that I'm torturing myself. She said that I have to accept that I actually love him & just wanna be with him.

BUT ALL I WANT NOW IS TO END THIS ****. WALK AWAY & DON"T LOOK BACK, AS THE POLICE SAID. I WANT TO LEAVE IT ALL BEIND.

I don't want to be told that I love him, i want to be with him, i feel guilty. How?

I'm crazy now... as he wished... I will call psychologist tomorrow.

I needed not to be such crazy.
1) There were 3 times, when we were still together. I told him with tear in eyes that I couldn't handle it anymore. I afraid so much... I knew that I was getting emotional. He told me to stay. He said that if i really care about him, i would want to see him change. I should have faith on him.

2) that night when we talked for 2 hours on street, i took it as closure. I told him that we'd probably stop contact for a while. But he msg me again when i was in cab.

3) I proved his true face with a fake non-existing woman. I could just stayed in my warm bed instead of going to his place. But I was so angry coz I felt that he was using my sympathy. Did he just regarded me like those *****? say "Come over!" & i am there for him?

suki44883

Wow, what a crazy train. You don't have to live like that, you know. A lot of people aren't able to be with the person they love, but they are able to survive. I have to wonder if it is really love or addiction. You are addicted to him and he is addicted to something else. The only way to get past this is to go through it. Block him on your phone and email. Stop communicating with him in any way. Allow yourself to grieve the loss and then go on with your life. This guy is not relationship material and the fact that he can make you so crazy just shows how disfunctional this relationship is.

Thumper

Oh jeez what a lot of drama.

Treat yourself with love and quit talking/texting/messaging that man. Just stop all contact. Do not look at his facebook account, do not go see him, do not text him. Block his number so you do not even see them. You sought closure but you can't wait for him to give it to you. You are not at his mercy. You can close this door all on your own.

And find a new counselor.

Keep posting here - there is a ton of support and the stickies at the top are full of information.

Wing

Dear Suki,

This is what I'm telling myself & my mom. I'm addicted to him, I know he's toxic but i still fell.

I hate myself for this... Everybody I know can't believe this. I'm a pretty, confident, intelligent girl that there are always guys chasing after me. So now, everybody just says "I don't understand why u like him. & there's nth u need to worry about." Nobody understand... neither do I

I could just say "it's addiction"

suki44883

There is help for addiction. You have to want it and be willing to do the hard work though. I agree that you should probably get a different counselor. You need someone who will help you through the detachment process. Are there any al-anon meetings where you are? They would be quite helpful and possibly more helpful than a counselor, unless that counselor is well versed in addiction. It doesn't sound like the one you are currently see is. In any case, you can get past this but you have to be willing to totally detach from him in all ways. Unless you do that, you'll keep going through this over and over again.

Wing

The counselor i'm seeing is in the drug & alcohol session. But I don't find it helpful today. I cried half a box of tissue paper there.

She told me that I had my fault too. She said that we just physically broke-up but not emotionally. We have been actually co-dependant on each other emotionally. She told me to take 3 mths to settle my emotion first & then think about our relationship, see how to fix it.

I said "what? Do u mean that 3 mths later I have to apologized to him?! It already ended & I just want to move on. If there's a pill that could help me forget this all, I'd just swallow it immediately. I want to walk forward!"

She said "what's wrong with it if I've done sth wrong too and apologize"

Ok, I did set him up.
I did say "I'm so smart to set u up and u are so stupid to fall into this trap"
I did say "u drug addict, why don't u just kill yourself so that there's no more prob in your world"
I did slapped in his face countless times.

I may be toxic to him too... I called him with hidden phone number on Sat & last nite. He relapsed... he sounded so drunk in club.

& yes... all the above didn't help me feel better,,, i may feel guilty (i'm not sure.. but everybody said so)

But even if I hurt him with my hurtful words and the trap, he deserved it!!! I suffered more!

I was always so supportive for him when we were together. I've done a lot for him, I just didn't mention here. I'm the best he could ever get. (that's probably why he was so insecured & clingy & controlling me all the time, afraid that I got stolen by other guys. I was so silly to think that he might just care about me too much & i tried my best to make him feel more secured)

EnglishGarden

Wing,

So very sorry for the intense emotional pain and chaos in your young life. It is a tragic way to live your days.

When anyone--person or animal--is attacked, the adrenaline in our bodies skyrockets and we are no longer able to think. We go into a "fight or flight" response. We attack or we run.

Women who are abused cycle in and out of this. They sometimes run from their abuser. They sometimes attack him back. This is what our brains cause us to do when our emotional and physical survival is threatened.

What your counselor is missing is that you are a victim of domestic violence. She is speaking to you as if you were a woman with ordinary relationship problems.

These are not ordinary relationship problems. Your life is being destroyed by a violent relationship.

Wing, no one but you can take you away from this chaos. But to do this, you may need the strong support of someone who understands what this violent relationship has done to your mind and your spirit. You are broken down from abuse and you need support to be able to help yourself.

Is there a domestic violence center for women in your location? Is there another counselor there to speak with?

There are many of us here who have been in abusive situations and we acted in ways we never imagined we would. Some of us hit our spouses when we had never hit anyone in our lives or thought we would. Some of us have stalked our spouses to see what they were doing. Some of us have hired people to stalk our spouses. Many of us have acted in insane ways because we were being abused and we lost our minds and our souls.

We all had to seek help.

God bless you and I hope you find the right help. You deserve it.

Wing

you are smart. My counselor is a marriage & relationship counselor at a drug & alcoholic centre.
But i went there for leaving the wound behind and walk away; not going back to fix the broken toxic reship after I fixing my emotion chao which was caused by him.
I got burnt & i learnt. Just wanna stay away

EnglishGarden

Stay safe, Wing.

We all have a Mr. Hyde in us. You are not alone.

Wishing you a peaceful life with decent people.

Wing

It's 3 + 5 months. Drama continued even after breakup.
Weird? Sigh...

So... ok... It's Wed now. Crazy drama was on Fri.
Today... I started to miss him again (what a crazy cycle)... I miss the nice version of him. I can't believe that he turned so bad. Am I trying to dig treasure out from a trash bin?

But perhaps it was all fake when he was so nice and sweet to me in the begining?
He was so clingy and offered me house key within 2 weeks since we dated. He told me that he couldn't handle seeing me only in the weekends. Was it just because he was trying to use me to distract himself from drug & alcohol? Whenever I was not there, he got drunk.

inpieces314

I think there may be something wrong with him, really wrong with him, that may have nothing to do with alcohol. However, I am sure that the alcohol makes him worse, but a lot of his issues sound like some mental disorder. He is never going to get better if he doesn't treat both disorders, the alcoholism and whatever is wrong with his mind.

That said, you also have a mental disorder, and although I don't know the name of it yet, I know the symptoms. Insanity caused by the actions of an alcoholic. I know-I have it too. And it is true, he is toxic to your well being. You have to know when to stop dealing with someone who is only going to hurt you. And that is hard too, because I am learning that one as well, and I can tell you how hard it has been for me. But you do end up feeling better in the end without all the drama.