m1k3

Hey guys, I need some wisdom and advice here. I have been separated from my AW for ten months now with minimal contact and I think I’m ready to go forward with the divorce. My biggest issue is that I keep having this OMG how will she get by thoughts. That is the hook that is keeping me from going forward right now.

I am reaching the point where I NEED to do this and I am going to have to deal with this issue. I just want this to be over. However I keep getting that knot in my stomach that I am somehow responsible for her. Gaaaah! Sounds like I need to work on my detachment and letting go.

I know there is no way I will ever get back with her and to be honest if I never saw her again I would be just fine.

Any help on how you got past this roadblock would be appreciated. Other than that I am in a pretty good place right now.

First step should probably be to talk to a lawyer. Is it a good idea to send her an email that says this is what I’m doing and to start thinking about how to divide things up?


EDIT: Oh yeah, right now there are no issues or fights or anything like that going on. We have our separate lives that so far almost never cross. I would just like to make this as quick and easy as possible and I am willing to be reasonable in this process.

Thanks for any advice or experience, your somewhat anxious friend,

wanttobehealthy

Sounds like you have already figured out the first step... Talk to a lawyer.

And no, do not communicate that with her.

I have been asking myself lately (when I would consider talking to AH about something) "what is my reason for talking to him about this?". Usually it boiled down to: a) I felt guilt or b) I wanted to convince him to behave in a cooperative way and thought I could convince him to do so.

Neither of those are good reasons to contact an x or stbx.

Contact your lawyer, and have the lawyer contact your wife.

She will probably tell you you are being callous or mean or uncaring... But I think that if you contact her directly it's not going to accomplish anything. Do you think she will say "Okay, Mike, great idea-- I will take reponsibility for my life and let you go and live yours"? I think more likely if you call her you will get this "I can't believe you are throwing away our marriage after all this time and not giving me another chance, I can't believe you are throwing me to the wolves, how will I survive?" etc...

Are you subconsciously looking for her to give you a reason to NOT go fwd with a divorce? I know sometimes my contacting AH was bc I hoped he'd say something that would convince me NOT to follow through with what I knew I had to...

Baby steps: Call a lawyer and set up a meeting. It's a long road to divorce so it's not like having a meeting with a lawyer will result in instant filing. Just do that one step and then go from there.

Thinking of you... *hugs*

sirpher

For me, going through the process of the divorce has made that feeling of "How will she get by" less and less, and with the court date to finalize the divorce less than a couple of weeks away, I know there will be that sense of relief of when it is done. Just keep pushing forward.

Freedom1990

Mike, I am a two time divorce survivor.

It has been a tremendous gift learning how to take care of myself minus a significant other in my life.

I am strong, independent, and capable of far more than I ever dreamed of.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, in spite of those OMG moments, okay?

Sending you hugs of support!

fedup3

Hi Mike, I can only tell you what I did when I decided it was in the best interest for me and my X. I went and got a lawyer and after that I told my husband I was divorcing him, which he never believed I would do but I told him not to get a lawyer because it would only give money to them and not us. I was very generous to him in the divorce and it saved us a bundle of money on lawyers and court costs. So, if your wife is the least bit agreeable it might make things that much easier. Now, with worrying about her and what will happen to her after the divorce, well I also went through anxiety about that but the funny thing is he is doing 90% better since I divorced him than when we were married. I think it took this crisis to shake him to begin to realize he had to take care of himself for the first time in years because I wasn't there for him anymore. It might be the best thing you can do for your wife.

aasharon90

My situation is opposite from yours. I was
the AW that wanted out of our 25 yr marriage.
Sad to say, however, between my HP and I,
only He knew how unhappy I was in that marriage.

My spouse was not an alcoholic nor were my
kids. They were the "norm" in our family never
skipping a beat with their own busy schedules.

I got sober 8 yrs into our marriage thru family
intervention and as I continued on with my recovery
program, our little family lost communication and
understanding.

We were living on different plains.

Anyway, my HP heard my cries and pleas and
eventually granted me a gift to return back to
my own hometown via a ticket to a new job.

And that was all it was as the job wasnt what
I was to be in. This ticket allowed me to return
home and go thru a civil, easy, mutual divorce
quickly.

Today, we are both remarried and living happy,
lives with no communication and living in different
states.

There's no hatred, remorse, regrets in our decisions
as we both have moved on to live heathy happy lives.

MsGrace

Mike I'm so sorry you are having to go through this...it is terrible. I've recently gone through the same thing and from my own experience here are a couple of suggestions: (I'm also a financial professional who works in the divorce arena...but not giving professional advice here!)

1. If possible, start your process with a good counselor. There are so many difficult feelings during this process, if you can have help and support turning down the temperature on emotions, the legal and financial decisions that will need to be made have more perspective and can be easier to make.
2. Determine her level of rational thinking. Is she capable of discussing serious issues with a somewhat level head and thinking? It is always the best course of action if you can peacefully mediate (with a professional, neutral mediator) than run right into court. With addiction, this may not be possible. So...can you talk to her? I had to go the attorney way, he just wasn't rational in any sense of the word, but if he had been, this is the course I would have chosen. It is more peaceful, and much less expensive.
3. You'll want to pull together all your information: most recent statements of all assets, all liabilities, real estate and current budget for both parties. Regardless of which process option you choose...you'll have to have all of this and in a well-organized fashion. Being thorough and comprehensive with this will also help keep your costs down.
4. If you have children, make a list of all their day to day needs, activities ect. You'll have to arrive at a suitable parenting plan, so see how to best keep their routine and needs at the forefront of every discussion.

I hope this was helpful....best of luck to you through this.

nodaybut2day

Necessity is the mother of invention. As such, your AW will do what she needs to do to survive, because she HAS to. She's a grown woman and if she needs anything, she can make some calls, look stuff up on line and ask someone.

On your side of things, I'd avoid telling her that you're speaking to a lawyer. I imagine she is aware that you'll eventually go that route, so why create more drama by informing her beforehand? I agree with WTBH that your AW may react to being served with legal proceedings, but heck, it can't be avoided. If you want and if it's possible in your area, you could serve her yourself or perhaps make sure that she knows she's about to be served (if you think she won't try to avoid service...).

You already know what to do Mike.

akrasia

Dear Mike, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I bet you will be amazed at how resiliant she is.

tjp613

I think that if you just do the next step without worrying about the whole enchilada at once, it will be more manageable for you. Not everything has to be decided today, so don't worry about the assets and how she's gonna take care of herself. Just concern yourself with making the appointment and filing the petition. One step at a time.

Her attorney will make sure she's "taken care of", believe me.

Willybluedog

Mike,

My advice, if you have made up your mind, FILE, then you can decide how to go forward,
as Ms Grace said, how smooth it goes will depend alot on her level of rationality.

One thing I appreciated when my wife divorced me was that she chose to come to the house and serve me herself rather than have a process server hit me with it at work in front of everyone.

I hope it works out ok for you, it is a gut-wrenching experience because it brings back all those emotions, but you obviously have been doing all the right things for your own recovery so that will help.

I will be here if you need someone to vent at about it.

Bill

lillamy

Get a lawyer. Getting a lawyer doesn't mean you're going to take her for everything you legally can -- it just means the process goes a lot smoother (albeit more expensively).

As for the hurdle... I see this in many men at Al-Anon, more than women. I think you guys were raised with more of an attitude of Taking Care Of And Responsibility For Your Woman and that it's hard to get over. But maybe think of it this way: She is an adult. By worrying about how she's going to make it, you make her less than an adult. You make her someone who is not capable of taking care of herself; a child, or an incompetent person. Alcoholism may have made her less capable than she once was, but she is still an adult who could choose another path than she has to date.

By holding her under her armpits, you're preventing her from discovering her own strength and abilities. It's the logical next step in not enabling her in any way.

When I left my AH and filed for divorce, a friend of mine, an ACOA, said "This might be the greatest favor anybody has ever done him."

I'm convinced you'll find a way.

laurie6781

(((((Mike)))))

You are a very caring compassionate person. I understand your concern about how your STBX will get by. She will get by just fine. Believe it or not, us A's, especially when sober and clean are very resourceful.

Go see your attorney, get everything set up, including how you are willing to split the assets (property) etc and then have her served with all of it. It will then be up to her to figure out whether what you are offering is fair or she also needs a lawyer.

One step at a time my friend. Go see your lawyer first.

Remember, we are with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

m1k3

Thank you everybody for your support. I know the next thing to do now it's just a matter of doing it.

Lillamy hit the nail on the head with that one. She just isn't my responsibility any more.

MsPINKAcres

Prayers of comfort and guidance for you Mike!

and not to be rude or heartless, but as some of the others have said ~ she will figure out a way to take care of herself! I'm almost 48 yrs old and have done very well taking care of myself almost ALL my life. I've taken care of myself and my daughters and even my exah for over 17 yrs when I was trapped in my own co-dependency to realize what I was doing.

4 yrs post divorce and now remarried to a wonderful man ~ I will tell you I am still SELF-supporting ~ if something happened and I needed to be on my own again ~ I could do it!

AND so can every other person if they really want to bad enough ~

Just my thoughts ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

m1k3

Well, I just sent a email to contact an attorney. Here we go. I actually feel more excited than nervous but I'm sure that will change.

Thanks again to everyone for your support.

Your friend,

djayr

What worked in my case, is that I went to an attorney and basically did all of the math and drew up the entire plan -- so all she had to do was accept it. I wrote everything up and put it into a 3 ring binder, a copy for her, and a copy for me. I put down all the steps that would have to happen: 1) financial disclosure; 2) marital settlement agreement; 3) going to court, etc. Mine is a marital property state and I offered her something that, if anything, was more than half, plus maintenance payments.

She tried her favorite trick - DENIAL - throughout the entire process. And she was grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, grief, acceptance), so the whole thing was crazy. But I just kept saying to her:

1. This is fair.
2. This is going to happen for sure, I am not going to change my mind, I need this, this is the next step for us.
3. If we get into a fight over money and things, the lawyers will get everything and there won't be anything left to fight over.

I took her out to breakfast about 5 times to go over the plan with her. Even though she didn't take it too seriously, in the end, she signed the papers about 10 minutes before the final hearing.

The alcoholic mind is too paralyzed to make big decisions. In my case, by taking the lead, putting a good offer together, and then persistently selling it and sticking to my guns, I was able to get through the process. She never did get a lawyer.

The simpler you can keep the numbers, the better off you will be. In my case, I was the 50% owner of a 40 year old family business which was quite valuable, so it was really nerve racking and it could have been a train wreck if she got a femi-nazi lawyer -- fortunately she did not.

God bless and good luck!

lillamy

Yes. This.
My AXH did get a lawyer, but basically just fiddled around with details.

Oh, one piece of good advice that I got: Regardless of how fair you want to be, when you present someone else with a plan, they will want to change SOMETHING. So make sure you have The Presented Plan but also (in your head) your Must-Haves, the things you will not compromise on. That is, make sure your Presented Plan has things in it that you can compromise on to show your good will.

nodaybut2day

It's like dealing with a 3 year old! Clarify for yourself which are the hills you are willing to die on (i.e. "I will not let you hang out in a poopy diaper all day" or "I will not let you play with those cisors") and expect that you'll be fought on every.single.other.thing. With toddlers, you have to remind yourself that the emotional and impulse control simply isn't there...seems like it's the same situation with a lot of active alcoholics.

EnglishGarden

In Al-Anon, the 12 traditions always seem to have good common sense that applies to our personal lives.

"Every group should be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions."

Etc. Take a look at the Traditions and see if you can correlate them with your decision-making.

Another Al-Anon suggestion I really like is "the greatest good for the greatest number." Remaining married seems actually to be serving no one's greatest good at this point.

Good luck! And whatever power struggles you can avoid (esp involving material possessions), DO!