Noodler

Hi, Im new. Its my husband of 33 Years who is an RAH for the second maybe third time in 2 years, currently on antabuse. I have learned a lot from this forum in the last 2 weeks as I became desparate that it had happened again. And that he only admitted it as he went to clinic to get the tabs and then came home to tell me in crisis/panic mode, again. Im only just learning about the illness and consequences of alcohism and my part in it as code and coming to terms with that. My husband is a nice, gentle, submissive? man and it has been extremeley diff to realise what has been going on. I believe he has been alcoholic for a least 6 yrs(but probably many more) without my even knowing, thought he was jst a drinker. Hid it very well for years. Was a quiet man, never came above the paraquet so to say. And I let that happen. Hence you can see we havent had a relationship for that long. I brought the kids up and paid the bills, did everything to run the house, family, him etec. and he worked brought the money in. But that was it. I NEVER got it, got what was wrong, we jst got in this rut. Till his crisis broke 2 years ago and you will know what road I ve been on since. Still no agressiveness or violence though, so I cld put up with it. But hes now been in recovery 2 weeks and the chance of a small place has come up for him with friends and we dont know whether he shd take it for a while, for recovery or maybe to make the break, s it something we should do. I know I need to address my code behaviour and this prob is the way. But how hard is this too make a decision. Do partners get over this and stay together atall?
Thank you for listening, still stunned from the reality of whats really happening behind the haze of pretending.
Thank You I have learned so much from here, it has educated me and I am joining Alnon also. The info and understanding was like a light as family are good but not educated on this. Thanks again.

naive

hi noodler and welcome...

glad you're here and glad you are going to go to alanon. you could also talk to your GP and ask for therapy with a psychiatrist. that's what i did and i got weekly counseling which was very helpful.

is your RAH attending AA? you ask if partners get over this and from what i've seen, yes, some do but it is normally with the help of AA that the alcoholic is successful.

personally, i'm not a big fan of antabuse, because it's hard on the liver and an alcoholic's liver is already worn out. if he goes to AA, he will be given tools to help him achieve sobriety.

micealc

Hallo Noodler,welcome.....There is no easy Solution.
It will take Time ...........Ye both need Guidence.
Meeting others in Simular Situations is the way to go.
Seemingly AlAnon for yourself....And AA For Him.
Ye Could Both do Counciling...
You can only Make up your Mind what you want to do.
He will have to Go his own way....Hopefully attend AA.

Noodler

Thank you for your comments, get that, that, I can only make my mind up for me and he has to do the same, will take that road today. And yes, he has been going to AA for 12 mths. It tailed off jst before relapse, but he returned straight away. So yes he is doing what hes got to do, right? So here goes, I now understand from reading posts here that when sober, its a diff world for him and he can only deal with that. So I now realise when I used to complain about "him not being here when he was" and its as if this home isnt his home and he just " does the right thing" that was true, he isnt here in the here and now cause hes dealing with his world. I know these sound like small things but I carnt believe they ve been answered on here. So "on here" is my way forward isnt it. Thank god I ve found a place where im understood. I will leave this decision about taking the room up to him, I think. he isnt hard to live with im just fed up of living within his life. But I have to accept I need to go to alnon and work this out. Its just all consuming isnt it, I find im always in a muddle lately, carnt juggle things anymore, trying to make decisions as he always leaves all that to me? Thanks

Noodler

Just read the new post by Ruby and that could just be me. So interesting and enlightening reading the answers, realising you are just a minute ahead or a minute behind some people on this road. How grateful am I to of found this site. I feel im already starting to feel slightley empowered, I carnt wait to come on this evening, very very grateful.