Do I dare hope?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Do I dare hope?
My AH has been doing very well since his last binge in Mid January. He works hard all day, then comes straight home. He has a couple of low-alcohol beers, and then switches to either pop or ice water. He is also spending more quality time with me and the kids. Asks about their day, and holds meaningful conversations. Family dinners together most days, unless one of the kids has something going on.
Do I dare hope that he is truly trying to change, or is this just the calm before the next storm? I have been doing my best to concentrate on my own health and well-being, which he has definitely noticed. I no longer make "wise-cracks" about his drinking, nor do I give him dirty looks when he does open a beer. It seems the more I show him that my self-confidence is more important to me than what he does to himself, the more he wants to be a better person.
I guess only time will tell, but for now, I am going to keep reading here, and working on being my best me.
Do I dare hope that he is truly trying to change, or is this just the calm before the next storm? I have been doing my best to concentrate on my own health and well-being, which he has definitely noticed. I no longer make "wise-cracks" about his drinking, nor do I give him dirty looks when he does open a beer. It seems the more I show him that my self-confidence is more important to me than what he does to himself, the more he wants to be a better person.
I guess only time will tell, but for now, I am going to keep reading here, and working on being my best me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Yeah, it's hard to know, isn't it?
As you'll know from reading here, a relapse is likely.
However, who knows, he may just have turned a corner. That happens too. Perhaps we don't see those stories here as much because, well, everyone involved is just getting on with their lives.
Maybe use this time to think of your own boundaries. What will or won't you accept, for your kids and yourself? What is a plan of action if there's another binge?
As you'll know from reading here, a relapse is likely.
However, who knows, he may just have turned a corner. That happens too. Perhaps we don't see those stories here as much because, well, everyone involved is just getting on with their lives.
Maybe use this time to think of your own boundaries. What will or won't you accept, for your kids and yourself? What is a plan of action if there's another binge?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
I certainly have not fooled myself into thinking that all is well and will always be well. I know a relapse is likely, but will continue to hope that the good gets better.
I don't have a plan of action if there is a relapse, except to keep working on my coping skills. I have set a few boundaries, and so far, so good on those. I will not interact with him if he's drunk, and no way, no how is there to be any drinking while driving with kids in the vehicle.
I must say that most of my coping skills, and finding the courage to be selfish and work on ME has come from being here at SR. I knew I had it in me, but my strength to let it out came after reading so much here.
Thank you all
I don't have a plan of action if there is a relapse, except to keep working on my coping skills. I have set a few boundaries, and so far, so good on those. I will not interact with him if he's drunk, and no way, no how is there to be any drinking while driving with kids in the vehicle.
I must say that most of my coping skills, and finding the courage to be selfish and work on ME has come from being here at SR. I knew I had it in me, but my strength to let it out came after reading so much here.
Thank you all
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
He is an alcoholic who has decided he can control his drinking, right? I just want to be sure I am following this correctly.
As Bill said, I hope he is able to fix it on his own.
I watched my AH do the same thing last year about this time. Had had a few serious binges, abstained totally then started controlling his drinking. It was just a matter of time until the old behaviors surfaced and the drinking increased (in my case that is).
I hope that you continue focussing on you and it sounds like you're working hard on yourself and that's great.
Thinking of you...
As Bill said, I hope he is able to fix it on his own.
I watched my AH do the same thing last year about this time. Had had a few serious binges, abstained totally then started controlling his drinking. It was just a matter of time until the old behaviors surfaced and the drinking increased (in my case that is).
I hope that you continue focussing on you and it sounds like you're working hard on yourself and that's great.
Thinking of you...
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I don't think there is a single alcoholic on the planet who can control their drinking. Eventually they will end up right where they started. They need to realize that once they have defined themselves as an alcoholic, they need to never drink again in order to stay sober. That is the definition, right? Sober means not under the influence of alcohol. So how can you be sober if you are under the influence, just a little bit?
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
I am currently living with AW in the same house, post legal separation (yes that is as strange as it sounds) -- and she is also on the "do it yourself" recovery program. As she likes to say, "I'm not doing that bad!"
Indeed, she is waking up, doing housework, running errands, hooking up with friends, and living a life. As I joke sometimes, at least she is "vertical", because she used to be passed out for hours at a time when it was much worse.
The problem is, she can easily cross the line with a few extra gulps of vodka, which turns the whole thing into a joke. So NO, she doesn't get credit for being sober, and her mountain of denial is (if anything), as big as ever.
My codie self is delighted whenever she makes the LEAST bit of effort towards sobriety. After the hell of out-of-control alcoholism, even a 10% effort not to drink makes me really happy! But then I realize, this is just a momentary stop on the merry go round that WILL start spinning again at some point in the future. At least that's my experience after about 15 years. NO permanent recovery, 100% failure rate as far as do-it-yourself recovery is concerned (or professional rehab recovery either), so I am totally cynical.
Do you dare hope? Why not? Follow your heart, but try to stay detached at the same time.
Indeed, she is waking up, doing housework, running errands, hooking up with friends, and living a life. As I joke sometimes, at least she is "vertical", because she used to be passed out for hours at a time when it was much worse.
The problem is, she can easily cross the line with a few extra gulps of vodka, which turns the whole thing into a joke. So NO, she doesn't get credit for being sober, and her mountain of denial is (if anything), as big as ever.
My codie self is delighted whenever she makes the LEAST bit of effort towards sobriety. After the hell of out-of-control alcoholism, even a 10% effort not to drink makes me really happy! But then I realize, this is just a momentary stop on the merry go round that WILL start spinning again at some point in the future. At least that's my experience after about 15 years. NO permanent recovery, 100% failure rate as far as do-it-yourself recovery is concerned (or professional rehab recovery either), so I am totally cynical.
Do you dare hope? Why not? Follow your heart, but try to stay detached at the same time.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I am currently living with AW in the same house, post legal separation (yes that is as strange as it sounds)
Without increasing your living costs, and while keeping the door open.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
I'm hoping...but at the same time I'm still wary of saying that.
My AH had a major meltdown (relapse, gambling binge, no-showing for work) in August to the point that he almost lost his job. I knew that he'd had a problem and have seen him drunk a few times but did not imagine anything like this.
He stayed with his parents for a month. I was devistated but it brought me here and to Al-anon and I've grown so much in ways I really needed to regardless of what happens between us.
He didn't drink at all for several months. Now he has decided that it's okay to have a beer or two occasionally. I'm not completely comfortable with it - I think it would be smarter to completely resist the temptation - but it's also not my decision. He's made many steps toward cultivation new ideas for dealing with his stressors and moving forward in other areas.
I'll join you in hope
My AH had a major meltdown (relapse, gambling binge, no-showing for work) in August to the point that he almost lost his job. I knew that he'd had a problem and have seen him drunk a few times but did not imagine anything like this.
He stayed with his parents for a month. I was devistated but it brought me here and to Al-anon and I've grown so much in ways I really needed to regardless of what happens between us.
He didn't drink at all for several months. Now he has decided that it's okay to have a beer or two occasionally. I'm not completely comfortable with it - I think it would be smarter to completely resist the temptation - but it's also not my decision. He's made many steps toward cultivation new ideas for dealing with his stressors and moving forward in other areas.
I'll join you in hope
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
Do I dare hope that he is truly trying to change, or is this just the calm before the next storm?
the reality is that he is still drinking daily. on the weekends, he goes to the other house and lord only knows how much he drinks there.
while it is true that everyone's situation is unique in how they choose to handle it, what is the frequently the same is the pattern that the alcoholic follows. i might react one way to that and you another, but the disease tends to follow a pattern.
in this case, he is following a predictable pattern...he feels you changing, feels threatened and is cutting back. this pattern is normally followed by things settling down in the household. next step in the pattern is the drinking increasing.
keep focusing on yourself. i found individual therapy very helpful...more than helpful...it was a relief.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
We can't really predict the future for your husband. We can share our experience is all.
Over the years my xah's disease had many peaks and valleys. Something would happen (a move, a baby, a new job) and he'd cut way back on his drinking, participate more with the family, etc., but it did not last. He could not maintain that level of controlled drinking and he'd slowly slide back down into the valley of alcoholism and each time it was a little deeper.
One of the things I regret is that each time there was a peak, a relatively good time, I put all my hope in that. I put all my hope into him maintaining that and us having the life I pictured. I just knew when he lived on that peak that he'd get even better and stop drinking all together. How could he not after getting a glimpse of how great things were? I don't think the peak feels quite the same to the un-recovered alcoholic as it does to us. I think the valley is where he felt 'right', not the peak. His heart may have told him he wanted the peak, but he had no recovery and he was a fish out of water up on that peak. He'd start the slow slide down and that feeling was better to him but once sliding, he had not power to stop and he kept on going until his perceptions were skewed etc. etc..
Anyway, my regret is that I did not put hope in myself. I did not make the world right for myself, on my own, so that I was good regardless of if he was on a peak or sliding into the valley. I don't know that I could have/would have left him any earlier but my own slide into this disease would have probably been a little less traumatic. I was being sucked into that ocean of alcohol just as surely as he was and I paid the price and so did my children. I wish I would have stayed out of the ocean and on the beach instead.
Put hope in yourself. Make your life a good one, keep your wits about you, clarify your boundaries, protect your boundaries, find some serenity and learn to maintain it all no matter what he does. That is the difficult task in front of you. To do that hard work you have to focus on yourself though and not him.
Over the years my xah's disease had many peaks and valleys. Something would happen (a move, a baby, a new job) and he'd cut way back on his drinking, participate more with the family, etc., but it did not last. He could not maintain that level of controlled drinking and he'd slowly slide back down into the valley of alcoholism and each time it was a little deeper.
One of the things I regret is that each time there was a peak, a relatively good time, I put all my hope in that. I put all my hope into him maintaining that and us having the life I pictured. I just knew when he lived on that peak that he'd get even better and stop drinking all together. How could he not after getting a glimpse of how great things were? I don't think the peak feels quite the same to the un-recovered alcoholic as it does to us. I think the valley is where he felt 'right', not the peak. His heart may have told him he wanted the peak, but he had no recovery and he was a fish out of water up on that peak. He'd start the slow slide down and that feeling was better to him but once sliding, he had not power to stop and he kept on going until his perceptions were skewed etc. etc..
Anyway, my regret is that I did not put hope in myself. I did not make the world right for myself, on my own, so that I was good regardless of if he was on a peak or sliding into the valley. I don't know that I could have/would have left him any earlier but my own slide into this disease would have probably been a little less traumatic. I was being sucked into that ocean of alcohol just as surely as he was and I paid the price and so did my children. I wish I would have stayed out of the ocean and on the beach instead.
Put hope in yourself. Make your life a good one, keep your wits about you, clarify your boundaries, protect your boundaries, find some serenity and learn to maintain it all no matter what he does. That is the difficult task in front of you. To do that hard work you have to focus on yourself though and not him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. I am not new to his peaks and valleys. I have been through this before. The difference this time is that I have decided to continue working on my coping skills, and making sure that no matter what he CHOOSES to do, I will have a positive life.
I will no longer let his decisions to drink or not to drink influence whether I am a productive person and parent. My boundaries are clear, both to him and myself. That doesn't mean I have let my guard down or that I've stopped caring, just that I am no longer consumed by anxiety over it.
I will no longer let his decisions to drink or not to drink influence whether I am a productive person and parent. My boundaries are clear, both to him and myself. That doesn't mean I have let my guard down or that I've stopped caring, just that I am no longer consumed by anxiety over it.
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