quetzal

Numb and then anger... Still crying doses here and there. I don't miss him or "Us" in the way I had. I just feel so used and like it all was a waste. I know this is the anger talking, I know this was a lesson that I needed to learn. Since the separation I knew that I needed to get my life back on track, actually I knew that before but didn't do anything about it. I've been furiously working on my life... more then I've done EVER before. I know this last year wasn't a "waste" but I still feel as If I need to make things up, like I was too focused on his problems. I'm still so hurt but don't have that dropping pain and loss like I had before. I know he still thinks of me and wonders what I'm up to. I'll never understand this illness... How damaging it has been all my life. I Live by LOVE and so the idea that someone could give up on them self for alcohol... blows my mind. Im blessed to not have this problem.

I couldn't let go in LOVE as I had wanted to, I wish I could've but our last interaction was so confusing... he wanted his cake...blah blahh blahh (this infuriated me) I realized I would have continued to have a light inside of me...waiting for him, I couldn't torture myself any longer... I love myself too much, I completely severed the relationship and I am proud of myself for it... I am.

Thanks for reading

Willybluedog

I spent 15 years with my x wife 7 dating, 8 married, initially I saw all of it s wasted time, later I realized I never would have been the person I am now with my second wife if I had not gone through all that with my first wife. We joke that our first marriages were "for practice" for this marriage.

Willybluedog

You finally realized that he was a vampire, so many of us date and marry people like that, they are incapable of giving, all they do is take. We try so hard for so long until we are a just an empty husk.

I am so proud of you for finding your way out, you deserve so much better than what this guy was offering.

You are strong, you are beautiful, and you are human!

Big hugs to you,

Bill

FindingJoy

Ive been reading your posts all along and I'm very proud of your strength.

Like you I will never understand addiction and I'm grateful.

After 6 weeks I now truly believe that I deserve to be with a healthy positive honest and joyful partner.....no need to suck the happiness out if my life with a addict not serious about recovery. Bye bye see ya peace love and no more quacking.

You are awesome and deserve to have that celebrated everyday but we have to start by doing that for ourselves then we will attract others who will do the same.

BIG HUG

Tuffgirl

At some point, once the anger goes away, you may be able to see the benefits to this experience. At the very least, you have now identified what you can't have in your life, right?

You are doing great - keep on keepin on! This too shall pass...and one day you will wake up and it will all seem a distant memory with little emotion attached to it.

quetzal

Thank you Willybluedog, your words inspire me, give me hope in knowing that I will find someone who is on my same level.

FindingJoy - you made me cry thank you for spending time to read about a small moment in my wonderfully huge life. Writing back to me as if you have known me for years... It means so much.

Tuffgirl - Yes that is the bright side. This has made me come to some conclusions for the future that if not for this I would have never realized. It's just pain and it will go away.

Love to you all... I really take so much from you all when you post back. It brings me steps closer to the closure that I seek.

jessiec

You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story of strength!

Impurrfect

(((quetzal))) - I actually made more progress in anger than I did the other feelings. I spent decades with three XABF's (slow learner) and it took me turning to drugs to numb the pain, hit my bottom there, before I finally realized..I'm a codie.

I can now look back on those years as learning experiences. It took time, all kinds of emotions, and the great people here at SR to see things the way I do now.

You're doing great. I went through the grief process of "what could have been" and anger and regret were just some of the emotions. Today? I have no regrets. I had to go through what I went through to be the person I am today.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

quetzal

Wow, you know sometimes you forget that so many read ... and just read. Thank you all for the support today has been a difficult day. This is exactly what I needed.

Huggs and Love