Newlywed but separated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Winston Salem
Posts: 3
Newlywed but separated
Our marriage is over & it looks like my job might not last much longer.I am hanging on by a thread .I never thought it would come to this. I fell in love with John shortly after we met almost 3 yrs ago.He came in here looking for a job where I live & work as the property manager.I couldn't give him a job because he drank & had pending warrants.He said he wanted to quit drinking & get his life back in order & actually cut down dramatically but just as I was ready to give him the job he'd waited so long for he started drinking heavy again.We'd been together for about a year when we got into a bad argument over his drinking .This led to his moving in with a 87 yr old man he met who lives in this community.He buys John all the beer he can drink.While on this drinking binge John got with another girl & she too moved in too with the old man to be with John.He landed in ICU for about 10 days diagnosed with Jaundice,Alcoholic Hepatitus,muscle wasting & weight loss due to starvation & neuropathy in his extremities. He was diagnosed with serious liver damage.I took him back home after he was well enough to be released & did everything I could to help him get better.It took a year for him to get well enough to work part time doing odd jobs (he has no drivers license)After Johns mother passed away due to health issues related to her alcoholism he pressured me hard to marry him.He made threats if I didn't marry him stating he couldn't live without me & going on & on about me being his best friend.He'd said over & over never leave me again.I married him against my better judgment thinking if he got worse I could make him go in and dry out.He knew this was why I married him so when he wanted to drink he got mean & started hitting on me so I'd be too afraid to stop him.He wasn't worrying about being arrested.He knew I was afraid after the first time he threatened me.He meant to get me fired so I'd be powerless & he could do whatever he wanted . He claims he loves me but wants to drink a lot & denies he drinks too much.He tries to control my life in every way possible & attempts to runs off my closest family or friends.He has tried to get me fired & won't let me take calls or make calls if he's around without talking loudly or interrupting my conversation.He often resorts to aggressive outbursts & challenges people to fights and/or offends them where now many people strongly dislike him where I live.No one likes him when he drinks especially me.He hides beer so I don't know how much he has on hand or has had to drink .He often drank up up at the old mans house before he moved out & went up there to live recently.He lies all the time & stays broke .If he does any odd jobs the money goes on beer first.He hit me back in September 6-8 weeks after we were married then he hit me again in Nov. when he was picking a fight with my son & I broke it up.I had a 50B put on him after the last 2 times he hit me back in January.The police came out after I called 911 & asked him if he could stay somewhere else for the night & he agreed.He went up the old mans house.I was afraid he'd come back if I left the house & possibly destroy it or not let me back in so I refused to leave the house .I didn't leave my house for a couple days .I waited till he had time to cool down & I'd had enough time to hid my valuables.I set my security system back up & barred my doors to make them safe.I also hid my little dog in case he got in because I feared he might kill him.He made threats to bust my door down if I locked it when he left .I waited almost 3 weeks before I filed assault charges .I am afraid of him. I thought the 50B hearing would result in some form of punishment but the Judge said he didn't have the power to do anything more than place a 50B against John for a year.I stressed to the Judge I wanted him out of the community but the Judge let him stay because John stated he was planning on leaving anyway.The Judge believed John was NOT is not a big enough threat to me physically to have to move out of the community in this situation because we don't live next door to each other .I'm still trying to throw John off the property where I live & work to avoid any future problems with John or any of my residents.I fear a few of my residents might be tempted to 'take sides' or use John to get me fired. Property managers often must threaten residents with eviction in order to get them to comply with the lease agreement when they weren't following the rules & regulations .Some would take advantage of this situation if given the opportunity to do so.I'm sure he wants to ruin my life because I choose not to be married to him any longer.He's threatened to kill me several times in the past if I leave him or divorce him .His 'family' doesn't want him to live with them because he acts up like this all the time .They are mad that he assaulted me & drove me away.I was good to John.His family isn't speaking to me now because of the 50B & assault charges I took out on John.I am living in fear of my life & may lose my job over this mess if it gets any worse. I have asked the court to give us a new 50B hearing to amend it since my assault charges have been filed .John no longer qualifies to live here with a record(if convicted).I was told because I filed assault charges after the civil 50B charges that the whole thing will now be heard at the assault hearing in 2 weeks.John has already got a new girlfriend .She's staying up at the old mans house too. Its very difficult for me to concentrate on my job . I had never dated an alcoholic before & knew nothing about this disease & my prayers go out to each & all of you that are a either afflicted with this disease or have a loved one who is.My heart is broken but I realize I most likely will survive.
I'm not so sure he will.
I'm not so sure he will.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I knew some alcoholics like John when I was growing up in the Appalachian mountains.
What I know is that they live much longer than people ever think they will, they sometimes shoot other people and they sometimes shoot themselves, and they do not ever change. Not the ones like John.
If you want to have a better life, the only choice you have is to get yourself out of that job, that community, and possibly even that state. He will continue his patterns of destruction until he dies. And he may not die any time soon.
I think this is your reality. I'm sorry. No amount of regret will change things for you. So I hope you can find a new place for yourself, new people, and a new life. If you stay, nothing will change. And you will continue on the merry-go-round with a violent man.
Winston-Salem surely has a domestic violence center you can contact for some help and problem-solving and planning. I so hope you do.
I have seen so many stories like yours, from where I came from. And the women just seem to think they have to take it.
Hope you get out of there. God bless.
What I know is that they live much longer than people ever think they will, they sometimes shoot other people and they sometimes shoot themselves, and they do not ever change. Not the ones like John.
If you want to have a better life, the only choice you have is to get yourself out of that job, that community, and possibly even that state. He will continue his patterns of destruction until he dies. And he may not die any time soon.
I think this is your reality. I'm sorry. No amount of regret will change things for you. So I hope you can find a new place for yourself, new people, and a new life. If you stay, nothing will change. And you will continue on the merry-go-round with a violent man.
Winston-Salem surely has a domestic violence center you can contact for some help and problem-solving and planning. I so hope you do.
I have seen so many stories like yours, from where I came from. And the women just seem to think they have to take it.
Hope you get out of there. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
My heart is broken but I realize I most likely will survive.I'm not so sure he will.
Find a way to get him out of that community, or remove yourself.
Please contact the domestic violence center there in Winston Salem and tell them your story, tell them everything, they will help you.
You cannot and will not help a drunk who does not want to stop.
I know because I was one unstoppable drinker, until I wanted to stop.
Beth
I am thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to Sr. I am so sorry your situation brought you here, but what a great place to be for support and resources.
When I read your story, I see nothing but misery if you continue to stay on this path. At some point, you will need to stand up and say "enough!" and then get proactive about making the changes necessary to protect yourself from harm.
Keep reading here and keep posting, and maybe try an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Education is very empowering and will help guide you onto the right path for you. And believe me, you'll know when you are on your right path - everything just works. And its peaceful.
Take good care,
~T
When I read your story, I see nothing but misery if you continue to stay on this path. At some point, you will need to stand up and say "enough!" and then get proactive about making the changes necessary to protect yourself from harm.
Keep reading here and keep posting, and maybe try an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Education is very empowering and will help guide you onto the right path for you. And believe me, you'll know when you are on your right path - everything just works. And its peaceful.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Like English Garden, I suspect your best bet is going to involve leaving the area and starting new somewhere else. Your husband sounds really scary and capable of harming you. Please find some local support for domestic violence victims: I Googled and came up with this for your area: Family Services - Domestic Violence Services For Victims - Winston Salem, NC
Please be careful and make sure you have a way to defend yourself. When you are in a safe place, check out Al Anon. It really helps with understanding alcoholism and how you can work on healing yourself.
Please be careful and make sure you have a way to defend yourself. When you are in a safe place, check out Al Anon. It really helps with understanding alcoholism and how you can work on healing yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Just read what I've highlighted.
1. I couldn't give him a job because he drank & had pending warrants.
2....he has no drivers license
3....he got mean & started hitting on me
4...I also hid my little dog in case he got in because I feared he might kill him
5...picking a fight with my son & I broke it up
and I'm not even addressing the illness due to drinking and the new gf OR the fact he's moved in w/ some guy on the property...
Honey, you are one of us.
Most of us would have run for the hills at one or two...but you just held in there...
you may not have ever been in a relationship with an alcoholic but it may be time to consider trying an alanon meeting.
For some reason this man, even with all those strikes against him seemed appealling to you. That is NOT normal.
Please...visit alanon so you don't relive this same situation w/ a different man.
PS: kudos for walking away. now the hard part....STAYING away. I would start looking for a new job and just start over.
1. I couldn't give him a job because he drank & had pending warrants.
2....he has no drivers license
3....he got mean & started hitting on me
4...I also hid my little dog in case he got in because I feared he might kill him
5...picking a fight with my son & I broke it up
and I'm not even addressing the illness due to drinking and the new gf OR the fact he's moved in w/ some guy on the property...
Honey, you are one of us.
Most of us would have run for the hills at one or two...but you just held in there...
you may not have ever been in a relationship with an alcoholic but it may be time to consider trying an alanon meeting.
For some reason this man, even with all those strikes against him seemed appealling to you. That is NOT normal.
Please...visit alanon so you don't relive this same situation w/ a different man.
PS: kudos for walking away. now the hard part....STAYING away. I would start looking for a new job and just start over.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Winston Salem
Posts: 3
Hi,
My regional manager said today she mailed a registered letter to the old man stating he is jeopardizing his own lease by allowing those 2 to continue to live there in the park. My son is very frustrated with this whole mess & sending my company a registered letter threatening a lawsuit against all parties involved if anyone in my family gets hurt should they as property owners fail to take the proper steps to remove the threat of violence.The police say they have repeatedly asked her to leave but she comes back.The girls car just blew an engine motor so she has no way to get anywhere unless someone drives her now.It's also a 30 minutes drive to her old home to work.She has only a 5 minute drive to work when she stays here.The old man drives her to work during the day light hours & her friends help cover so she slips in the park at night(they drive in first & look for me)I'm not going to stay up at the entrance guarding it to keep her out .It will take a fair amount of time to legally evict the old man . I'm not going to waste my time with a trespassing charge that will keep occurring.I have to throw them all out to remove the threat of violence once & for all. If I should file the papers myself it would possibly looks like I'm retaliating( jealous) I'm insisting my supervisor file the legal eviction papers instead so the old man can't sue on these grounds.Meanwhile the culprit who caused this mess by his out of control drinking problem got a continuation today in court for the assault charges I filed against him.He is getting very skinny & reeks of alcohol (the bailiff threatened to arrest John today for it) In a matter of 4-8 weeks he'll be back in the hospital .Me & my son have lived here 15 year & don't want to move out. I'm dreading when my boss gets the registered letter my son just mailed.When she does I'm in big trouble.I 'm expected to keep my son on a leash so to speak.Clearly he's on my side.I'm so aggravated with John.My staying away from John is the least of my worries now.I'm trying to stay alive & not lose my home or job.I feel like John's going to die but I can't be concerned for him at this time because I'm trying to save myself from him.I must do what I have to do to protect myself & my own family.If I had but one wish it would be that this old man will come to his senses & kick them all out before he loses his home of 35 years or better yet that he be put in a nursing home since he's the one letting them stay here.Meanwhile John keeps getting more pissed off every day since I've pretty much walked away from the marriage & not looked back.He's lost everything.Even his dog. As you stated I took it longer than anyone else would have but only because I knew it could cost me my job. I refuse to let him run me off my job or out of my home.I cannot start over at 55 in this economy with bad credit.
I wouldn't qualify for a place myself nor could I afford it if I get fired.I have no choice but to stand & fight.Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.Hopefully the eviction won't take long but my relationship with my boss will be toast.My home is very inexpensive to maintain.Possibly if I get fired I can get unemployment benefits & still live here.My emotional,physical & financial stability are major issues here.Moving won't solve anything except remove the physical risk of injury to us.I'm between a rock & a hard place.No one seems to have the answer.
My regional manager said today she mailed a registered letter to the old man stating he is jeopardizing his own lease by allowing those 2 to continue to live there in the park. My son is very frustrated with this whole mess & sending my company a registered letter threatening a lawsuit against all parties involved if anyone in my family gets hurt should they as property owners fail to take the proper steps to remove the threat of violence.The police say they have repeatedly asked her to leave but she comes back.The girls car just blew an engine motor so she has no way to get anywhere unless someone drives her now.It's also a 30 minutes drive to her old home to work.She has only a 5 minute drive to work when she stays here.The old man drives her to work during the day light hours & her friends help cover so she slips in the park at night(they drive in first & look for me)I'm not going to stay up at the entrance guarding it to keep her out .It will take a fair amount of time to legally evict the old man . I'm not going to waste my time with a trespassing charge that will keep occurring.I have to throw them all out to remove the threat of violence once & for all. If I should file the papers myself it would possibly looks like I'm retaliating( jealous) I'm insisting my supervisor file the legal eviction papers instead so the old man can't sue on these grounds.Meanwhile the culprit who caused this mess by his out of control drinking problem got a continuation today in court for the assault charges I filed against him.He is getting very skinny & reeks of alcohol (the bailiff threatened to arrest John today for it) In a matter of 4-8 weeks he'll be back in the hospital .Me & my son have lived here 15 year & don't want to move out. I'm dreading when my boss gets the registered letter my son just mailed.When she does I'm in big trouble.I 'm expected to keep my son on a leash so to speak.Clearly he's on my side.I'm so aggravated with John.My staying away from John is the least of my worries now.I'm trying to stay alive & not lose my home or job.I feel like John's going to die but I can't be concerned for him at this time because I'm trying to save myself from him.I must do what I have to do to protect myself & my own family.If I had but one wish it would be that this old man will come to his senses & kick them all out before he loses his home of 35 years or better yet that he be put in a nursing home since he's the one letting them stay here.Meanwhile John keeps getting more pissed off every day since I've pretty much walked away from the marriage & not looked back.He's lost everything.Even his dog. As you stated I took it longer than anyone else would have but only because I knew it could cost me my job. I refuse to let him run me off my job or out of my home.I cannot start over at 55 in this economy with bad credit.
I wouldn't qualify for a place myself nor could I afford it if I get fired.I have no choice but to stand & fight.Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.Hopefully the eviction won't take long but my relationship with my boss will be toast.My home is very inexpensive to maintain.Possibly if I get fired I can get unemployment benefits & still live here.My emotional,physical & financial stability are major issues here.Moving won't solve anything except remove the physical risk of injury to us.I'm between a rock & a hard place.No one seems to have the answer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
.Moving won't solve anything except remove the physical risk of injury to us
what about looking for a new job as a property manager? i just did a quick search online for your area, and there are a few positions available for property manager or assistant property manager.
also, why don't you contact the domestic violence people in your area...they might be aware of some resources available to you. they also might be able to help you get further with your restraining order and court case.
i know you don't want to leave your home, but he sounds quite dangerous.
stay safe
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome, so glad you are here, big hugs to you and your son.
I second all the good advice already given so I won't repeat it.
Counseling has helped me tremendously over the years, I have started again recently to help me deal with issues relating to my alcoholic mother, it has helped me make beeter choices and reinforce those choices.
What are you doing for your personal safety, I assume as a property manager you are on the move all day. Do you carry a cell phone all the time? If not please remember even deactivated cell phones still dial 911. Do you have a plan for self defense? If you do not feel comfortable withe firearms, please consider a Kimber Pepper Blaster II, it has two shots of pepper spray and a range of 15 feet, you can wear it on your belt.
Also please consider a self-defense class for women, my sister took one at the YMCA and said she felt better prepared and much more confident.
I will say a prayer for you and your family, please know if you need an ear or a shoulder that I will be here.
Big hugs,
Bill
I second all the good advice already given so I won't repeat it.
Counseling has helped me tremendously over the years, I have started again recently to help me deal with issues relating to my alcoholic mother, it has helped me make beeter choices and reinforce those choices.
What are you doing for your personal safety, I assume as a property manager you are on the move all day. Do you carry a cell phone all the time? If not please remember even deactivated cell phones still dial 911. Do you have a plan for self defense? If you do not feel comfortable withe firearms, please consider a Kimber Pepper Blaster II, it has two shots of pepper spray and a range of 15 feet, you can wear it on your belt.
Also please consider a self-defense class for women, my sister took one at the YMCA and said she felt better prepared and much more confident.
I will say a prayer for you and your family, please know if you need an ear or a shoulder that I will be here.
Big hugs,
Bill
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