Why do we stay?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: SERENITY
Posts: 58
Why do we stay?
I'm upstairs in my woman cave that I made for myself while my AH is sleeping it off. He was in the hospital for 7 days because he was having a personal party with his girlfriend. Her name is Vodka.
To bring you up to date=Ive been married for 27 years on March 30th. I had to do the math because really it doesnt matter to me anymore. I used to know right off hand how long I was married. WOW! that was an eye opener.
I was kicked out but not really kicked out March 17th of 2010, he says that he didnt kick me out. He dont remember. Scary, right?
Moved back in May 2011.
We have two kids. Ages 20 and 21.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I really miss my apartment. I miss the Serenity, the happiness, the relaxation. There was no chaos, no drama, no yelling. There was so much of nothing that I started getting panic attacks. Went to the doctor about that over a year ago and he said that was normal because I was always in drama and my panic button always went off.
I actually found myself.
Now that I know what its like to be on my own, I want to go back. I already asked the landlord if there is another apartement for rent to call me. There will be one ready this July or August.
I know, that now that I'm older, I dont want to go down this road no more. Ive been on it long enough. but, how do I tell him? Why do worry about his feelings?
Why does he want me to stay? We have no relationship. Havent had sex in well over a year or so.
He has mental issues, too. He takes hand fulls of pills everyday for these issues and he is only 45. He maybe takes a bath once a week, his hair is getting longer, acutally he is kinda gross. When he drinks he smells...not like liquer=like mold or death. Weird!!
]
What is wrong with me? He will never be what he was. Then I think back =what do I even miss? Our marriage had some good times. But, I was a baby when I got married. 19 years old. Really? He always says that he would support me if this was me. and he would stick with me no matter. For better or worse= he says.
What does that mean?
Now that I'm back in this mess, its tearing me apart and I'm not outside looking in. Is there anyone from the outside looking in that can give me advise because I feel like a stupid woman for moving back in. Why dont he let me go. Is it misery loves company?
abcg:
To bring you up to date=Ive been married for 27 years on March 30th. I had to do the math because really it doesnt matter to me anymore. I used to know right off hand how long I was married. WOW! that was an eye opener.
I was kicked out but not really kicked out March 17th of 2010, he says that he didnt kick me out. He dont remember. Scary, right?
Moved back in May 2011.
We have two kids. Ages 20 and 21.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I really miss my apartment. I miss the Serenity, the happiness, the relaxation. There was no chaos, no drama, no yelling. There was so much of nothing that I started getting panic attacks. Went to the doctor about that over a year ago and he said that was normal because I was always in drama and my panic button always went off.
I actually found myself.
Now that I know what its like to be on my own, I want to go back. I already asked the landlord if there is another apartement for rent to call me. There will be one ready this July or August.
I know, that now that I'm older, I dont want to go down this road no more. Ive been on it long enough. but, how do I tell him? Why do worry about his feelings?
Why does he want me to stay? We have no relationship. Havent had sex in well over a year or so.
He has mental issues, too. He takes hand fulls of pills everyday for these issues and he is only 45. He maybe takes a bath once a week, his hair is getting longer, acutally he is kinda gross. When he drinks he smells...not like liquer=like mold or death. Weird!!
]
What is wrong with me? He will never be what he was. Then I think back =what do I even miss? Our marriage had some good times. But, I was a baby when I got married. 19 years old. Really? He always says that he would support me if this was me. and he would stick with me no matter. For better or worse= he says.
What does that mean?
Now that I'm back in this mess, its tearing me apart and I'm not outside looking in. Is there anyone from the outside looking in that can give me advise because I feel like a stupid woman for moving back in. Why dont he let me go. Is it misery loves company?
abcg:
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Robersonville, NC
Posts: 11
First of all you are not stupid. You only want things to be different and you have no life anymore unless it is baby sitting him. Been there, done that. You know what you really want to do and you know you can make it on your own but sometimes the fear is the biggest issue. When I read a book years ago called women who love too much, it really opened my eyes to how I wanted to change him and love him at the same time.
You were more at peace alone, I know because I did the same thing. I went back several times and each time it was no different. The person is who they choose to be. We allow ourselves to put up with the nonsense and it doesn't get better.If they choose to get help and try to work things out then you would see a different person who seriously meant business. They either change and want things better and do something about it when you leave or they choose to stay the same, and as you already know you will be better off. I had issues of fear of being alone and hoping he would change and realized finally that not only does he need to change but more than anything for myself, I need to change. It is time to realize how important you are and that someone will eventually respect you for who you are. God's wonderful creation!
You were more at peace alone, I know because I did the same thing. I went back several times and each time it was no different. The person is who they choose to be. We allow ourselves to put up with the nonsense and it doesn't get better.If they choose to get help and try to work things out then you would see a different person who seriously meant business. They either change and want things better and do something about it when you leave or they choose to stay the same, and as you already know you will be better off. I had issues of fear of being alone and hoping he would change and realized finally that not only does he need to change but more than anything for myself, I need to change. It is time to realize how important you are and that someone will eventually respect you for who you are. God's wonderful creation!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: SERENITY
Posts: 58
Why is it so hard to just walk away?
I think if I would just understand, it would be easier.
I promised myself if I move out again there will be no communication. When he wakes up, I really want to tell him how I really feel. But, its hard. He cries. Plus, I have to mean what I say and do what I say. You know?
I think if I would just understand, it would be easier.
I promised myself if I move out again there will be no communication. When he wakes up, I really want to tell him how I really feel. But, its hard. He cries. Plus, I have to mean what I say and do what I say. You know?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Hon, you don't have to wait for him to let you go. You are a butterfly and butterflies are free to fly. You have done all you can do and if you stay, he will only take you further down with him.
Is there some reason you must rent an apartment in that complex? Is there no other place you can move to? There are lots of apartments out there. Find one and get back your serenity. You can do this.
Is there some reason you must rent an apartment in that complex? Is there no other place you can move to? There are lots of apartments out there. Find one and get back your serenity. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: SERENITY
Posts: 58
To Suki4483: The apartment complex is owned by one older man and his wife. He is like a Grandfather. He is not a slum lord. Its a safe place, safe city where I was brought up. Its semi-cheap. $650.00 for two bedrooms, 1 and 1/2 bath, and basement. No bugs either. Me and my son loved it. My daughter has her own place....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
From what I did and from I learned is...We are very weird creatures! LOL
We are human, we have hopes, dreams and passion. Once upon a time
we shared that with someone we loved.
It's hard to let go of that..It really is...
But you have to get your mind clear and look at the big picture ahead of you.
When I stayed in one spot and stared backward's...I did the same as you...
Like the saying goes..It's okay to look back, just dont stare!!
I got out of my cat box and began to look ahead. What is best for me??
Living with an active alcoholic was NOT and is NOT the best for me...
I had to LET GO and LET GOD...take care of me
Why doesnt he let go of you? Umm,, think about that question!
They cry, beg, plea...Who likes to drink alone & who will they have to pick on if your gone...It's a pretty much a toxic love. It's not a healthy love. Think about it...
YOU Hold the key to your life...He just holds you as a hostage!
I always say to myself: I LOVE MYSELF THAT MUCH, to never live in that ever again!
Once I let go of his sickness, he cried, beg and all of the hate/love slinging words..
Seriously, if they loved themselves...They would get sober, let alone shower!
I told my xah this, He doesnt love himself, How does he expect anyone to love him back, let alone even loving a dog?
I can feel sorry, guilt, confussed over the deal. But I refuse to let myself think
that way. It is his problem and not mine....
My job is to fix me, find peace, love and joy in life..>Not try to fix an alcoholic...or
fall for their manlipulation & thousands of head games...
When I researched the medical facts of alcoholism and the brain. It helped me alot.
It helped me realize, it's not just all about AA, getting sober or Alanon. It is medically
proven, that my xah brain is medically pickled...So why do I keep on holding onto
the past??...I dug deep in my soul and thought about it...I put that together
with my Alanon....and I found peace. I could finally let go & let God...Take care of him
and most important take care of me.....
I found peace within myself knowing that if I die as an old maid, that is fine. I die a HAPPY one!! Instead of married to someone who smells like mold or pisses their pants!
If I wanted a puppy to raise..I would go to the pound...
Remember, it's okay to look back...just don't stare...
We are human, we have hopes, dreams and passion. Once upon a time
we shared that with someone we loved.
It's hard to let go of that..It really is...
But you have to get your mind clear and look at the big picture ahead of you.
When I stayed in one spot and stared backward's...I did the same as you...
Like the saying goes..It's okay to look back, just dont stare!!
I got out of my cat box and began to look ahead. What is best for me??
Living with an active alcoholic was NOT and is NOT the best for me...
I had to LET GO and LET GOD...take care of me
Why doesnt he let go of you? Umm,, think about that question!
They cry, beg, plea...Who likes to drink alone & who will they have to pick on if your gone...It's a pretty much a toxic love. It's not a healthy love. Think about it...
YOU Hold the key to your life...He just holds you as a hostage!
I always say to myself: I LOVE MYSELF THAT MUCH, to never live in that ever again!
Once I let go of his sickness, he cried, beg and all of the hate/love slinging words..
Seriously, if they loved themselves...They would get sober, let alone shower!
I told my xah this, He doesnt love himself, How does he expect anyone to love him back, let alone even loving a dog?
I can feel sorry, guilt, confussed over the deal. But I refuse to let myself think
that way. It is his problem and not mine....
My job is to fix me, find peace, love and joy in life..>Not try to fix an alcoholic...or
fall for their manlipulation & thousands of head games...
When I researched the medical facts of alcoholism and the brain. It helped me alot.
It helped me realize, it's not just all about AA, getting sober or Alanon. It is medically
proven, that my xah brain is medically pickled...So why do I keep on holding onto
the past??...I dug deep in my soul and thought about it...I put that together
with my Alanon....and I found peace. I could finally let go & let God...Take care of him
and most important take care of me.....
I found peace within myself knowing that if I die as an old maid, that is fine. I die a HAPPY one!! Instead of married to someone who smells like mold or pisses their pants!
If I wanted a puppy to raise..I would go to the pound...
Remember, it's okay to look back...just don't stare...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
And ya know..That is "MIDDLE" age..not dinosaur age...50...LOL
I have 2 kids about the same age as yours. None of them live at home.
Just me and my 2 sweet dogs. Who are always nice & friendly when I come home.
My house is spotless. I invite friends over and we have a nice time, without
me having to make excuses or measure the whiskey bottles anymore.....
My kids come home to visit. We eat nice food. We laugh and play games.
And we dont have to hide or no one is getting mad or saying mean things.
Our time together is so precious. We laugh and joke without mean glares.
Wish I would of moved into my own place 16 years ago...
The "MIDDLE" age think isnt that bad...lol
I have 2 kids about the same age as yours. None of them live at home.
Just me and my 2 sweet dogs. Who are always nice & friendly when I come home.
My house is spotless. I invite friends over and we have a nice time, without
me having to make excuses or measure the whiskey bottles anymore.....
My kids come home to visit. We eat nice food. We laugh and play games.
And we dont have to hide or no one is getting mad or saying mean things.
Our time together is so precious. We laugh and joke without mean glares.
Wish I would of moved into my own place 16 years ago...
The "MIDDLE" age think isnt that bad...lol
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He always says that he would support me if this was me. and he would stick with me no matter.
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