quetzal

I'm feeling so BLAH tonight. I was in a relationship with an sober/alcoholic for this last year a few months back he fell off the wagon. At the time I didn't realize the extent of his alcohol issues. Yes he was always depressed and YES he pretty much ruined EVERY holiday or HAPPY EVENT... Funny how you get used to things like that, as if it's the norm. I had never experienced this type of person before and I kept telling myself that things would be better. I do love him very much, right before X-mas he started binging and put 3 holes in my wall and said the most HORRIBLE things to me. He left in a flurry, I didn't speak to him for about a week and after he sent me txt, emails and phone calls I met up with him, he wanted to pay me for all the damage to my home. We walked in the park, cried and he said that he didn't deserve me, that he needed to get help. We haven't seen each other since , for the first few weeks he would send me weird txt at night or would call me. I never answered as I was so traumatized and upset about it all. Now he doesn't even bother to try to contact me anymore. I feel so used, taken advantage of. I understand that I am responsible for alot of what happened. I put up with so much that I know now were ALARMS... I truly miss this person and I feel like he just looks at this like he just burned another bridge. I'm doing my best to get my life together, staying busy and all. It just hurts I guess to know that he could just throw us away so easily as If I never really existed in his life. I am proud that I have kept my distance but the silly girl in me just wishes that he would have tried harder for himself to make the changes to love himself and love us

LostinBA

Sorry to hear you are in pain. I understand what you are going through. I'm sure there will be more informed people giving you feedback, but I do understand. What I can tell you from my personal experience is that the pain will fade, and you will go through an anger stage where you are pissed at the guy for being so dumb. Be happy that you didn't spend 5 years or more with him to have to go through this. Unless you were forcing him to drink, you aren't responsible for that! It's a decision that he made to "escape" from the things that he couldn't handle. Really has nothing to do with you. When you can look at it from an outside perspective, you will see that you did what you had to do to adapt to the situation that you wanted to work. Lot of "you" in that last sentence. Now do what you need to do to be happy. There was a commercial on the other day about "plenty of fish in the sea". It's true, but now perhaps we will be a little faster to throw back the fish that won't make us happy. It feels like you lost your best friend, but a true friend wouldn't put you in this situation. Keep posting, take what makes you feel better, and throw away what doesn't help. Right now, it really is about "You". Love yourself. Totally opposite of everything were taught as kids, but what we should have learned in life earlier. Smile, laugh, and don't isolate yourself. You will get through this and find someone who is willing to equally sacrifice for your needs as well.

Threshold

I am so sorry. I am going through pretty much the exact same thing and it is so painful. It's hard not to take the rejection personally, especially when we feel we have been an asset in their lives and they are leaving us for something they acknowledge is killing them.

Like you I am doing everything HEALTHY that I can think of to keep busy and fill that space in my life. I am hurting very deeply. I work with mine, and see him interacting with others while ignoring me. He says it's shame, but it feels so hurtful just the same.

I go home, cry over it and push forward knowing that in time I will feel better and be stronger. The thought of another relationship at any time in the future is repulsive to me.

I am working on my own recovery. I am powerless when it comes to him. he is powerless too.

LostinBA

Threshold, you aren't powerless at all. That's just a feeling. You can realize that he is playing a mind game with you, using excuses. That's what A's do. You have the ability to talk to whoever you want and do the things you want. Choose to win! Don't let his issue keep you down. Interact with others. He doesn't deserve to control you that way. You can't change him, but you can change yourself.

quetzal

Wow this really helps, thank you both for taking the time to write. The weeks pass and I count them as if I can see him drifting away. I have been going to AL-Anon for about a month and with-in the first few days had found Melody Beattie and listened to her co-dependency No More as If it were the most popular song on the radio. SHe got me through X-mas and now I hurt in a more silent way.

Thank you LostinBA for your "You will get through this and find someone who is willing to equally sacrifice for your needs as well" I know in my deepest heart that you are so right.

Thank you Threshold for speaking of the "Powerlessness" you're right he is as well. It's crazy how I seem to think he has the control, when I know that I do. That he is out of control and that is why we are were we are now.

A few days ago I reached out to wish him a good day and he didn't answer. It was the first time in weeks that I had called him. He didn't pick up, it hurt and I felt a bit rejected but I know that it was best. He was so special to me, I shouldn't have done so much for him. Gave myself away like I did. I am grateful that this relationship has made me see all the things I need to work on. If I don't make changes for myself I will continue to repeat these patterns. I have to love myself more and take care of me. I haven't for so long. Looking back I see it more and more.

LostinBA

Hang in there. Reaching out is understandable. We probably all do it, but that's because we have a soul, empathy, and truly care. Take the time to reach out to people who respond to you in the same manner. I found that I had isolated myself from those I love, and now when I want to reach out to her (yep still find that I do) I reach out to them and share what I wanted to share with her, with them. Kinda weird way of dealing with it, but when I'm done, I get the same from them. It feels much better to get feedback, than to be rejected. The rejection is his way of controlling you. As long as he knows you are going to contact him, then he knows you are thinking of him and he feels like he's winning. Truth is in my opinion, the only way anyone wins in this is they start caring about themselves and lives life. You, me, everyone here can do it. We just have to break the chains we have put on ourselves. Unfortunately, chains are sometimes quite strong, but we can break them.

quetzal

YESSS!!!! You are so right, I completely agree. It's a control thing. I know he resents that I didn't respond for so long. I know I'm dealing with someone who is so immature and I get frustrated with myself knowing that I play into it. All my past relationships have been with such caring indiv. who never wished me harm or did any of these things. It has really opened my eyes and freaked me out. The fact that I have been dealing with it and accepted so much for so long. As mature and put together I thought I was, when this person came along I allowed so much. I still miss our pieces but when I think hard I can see a list of bad pieces more then good. I'm still coping with the dissapointment and loss of this made up "DREAM" I had... Blows me away

artygirl

Hello Quetzal.

I came out of denial after 5 yrs. of being in a relationship with an A. He lived an 1 hr. and 1/2 away so we mostly saw each other during weekends, holidays and vacations. I saw that he drank a lot but I chalked it up to letting go from his highly stressful job. When I finally confronted him on his drinking ( last April) he told me he didn't want to lose me and he would get help. It didn't take long for him to realize he wasn't willing to find a solution to his/our problem and he broke up with me in July. He has already moved on to another relationship and in only a few short months. It has been very hurtful and I am not sure he will be able to hide his Alcoholism for 5 yrs. like he did with me because his disease has progressed.

I guess what I am trying to say is to focus on gratitude that you figured things out early on. I am slowly healing and Al Anon is working wonders for me. I have a sponsor and I am beginning to work the steps.

Best wishes.

Threshold

Sorry, my post was unclear. I meant I am powerless when it comes to changing him. No I am NOT powerless in my own life. I am in recovery myself and moving forward.

If I was not in recovery myself, I would probably be fruitlessly and repeatedly trying to fix him, manipulte him, etc, but my own addiction recovery has opened my eyes, as much as it hurts, I have to let him go and get on with MY life.

quetzal

Hey Artygirl, Thank you for your story. It still feels so fresh and I'm staying busy, I find myself doing things that I haven't done for myself in a long time. Your story makes me sad. I guess I'm still not ready to completely accept it. I have my moments where I hope he proves me wrong and suddenly gives it his all. The way it ended was so abrupt and awful. I've been through a few "Normal" break ups but this one was so much more painful and out of control. He binged, got violent and thrashed the house 3 days later tried contacting me ... to no avail - Then changed his RELATIONSHIP STATUS...on FB (WHICH TOTALLY HURT ME) such drama!!! and then kept trying to contact me with messed up txting and emails... It was so damaging, that night, the trauma of his words and his actions after the fact. When we finally met up - To give me $ for the damages to my place... we just cried and I feel like he had given up. He was so ashamed and said he could hardly look me in the eyes...he said he wanted to see me and still be close to me. He never said HE WAS CHECKING IN SOMEWHERE ASAP...for help - That's what I wanted to hear ... But he didn't - he just put me on his list of BURNED BRIDGES and now he's just gone. I know that I'll feel differently some time but I have never been treated this way, I feel so disrespected and hurt.

nicam

It certainly is a real eye-opener. I had always dated great guys too. All of them except for XABF. My therapist helped me see that I had been sabotaging my healthy relationships out of fear and codie issues from childhood. When I found an A who was so deep in the hole to take care of, to lift out of the trenches, to provide constant chaos and drama, I was hooked!

I think we beat ourselves up for allowing them to treat us so badly for so long. We feel ashamed, critical, confused. We fantasize about them coming back a changed man/woman, seeing the light and making it up to us. My ex did this, 6 months sober, but guess what? Within a couple months he was binge drinking. The abuse started up again and got worse and worse until it almost cost me my life. And yes, A's throw people away like trash once they no longer serve their purpose. They are incapable of love in active addiction. It's a horrible feeling to feel discarded, like you gave this person so much and they took it all with no intention of ever giving back before moving onto a fresh enabler who is still ignorant to their bull*@#!

These relationships wreak havoc on your self concept. We have to learn how to forgive ourselves and accept that we are human and did the best we could with what we were given.

quetzal

Yes Nicam - I never knew people like this existed and if they had I had never in a million years would have thought I would allow this and even accept it as a norm. It really has hurt me beyond anything has ever. He has completely disconnected after having a year 1/2 relationship... 5 weeks ago we were together and "In Love". I don't understand how you can say and do things with someone, be committed and then be able to disconnect so quickly with no closure or even a few real heart to hearts. It was like being stabbed... that's the only way I can describe it. I figure he has done this so many times before and this is his way. I am no victim though, he warned me that he had "burned bridges" and me being the "Savior" laughed it off and said hey we all have baggage. I wrote him an angry letter last week, I needed to vent as he and I never spoke on all that had occurred. He answered back very calm and said he loved me and still wanted to be close to me... It was so confusing. He then asked "I don't know what you want from me?" I have been thinking a lot about that line as I'm not sure what I want... I know that the way we were can never happen again - So even though I am afraid he will hurt me again, It's hard to let go of the good things that I loved. I've been practicing letting go with love, It's so hard because I feel so damaged and I just want to feel healthy and strong again. I wish I didn't care about what he was thinking or doing, I hope my feelings change soon.

LovingYoungMan

My heart truly goes out to you all. I know exactly what you are going through and can relate to everyone. My ex is a recovering alcoholic with 4 strong years in her program, goes to meetings 5 times a week and still threw me away like yesterday's garbage. These people have serious emotional issues if not mental disorders. It is hard to understand because we don't have them. I know I certainly am not perfect because I chose her in the first place but I saw all the amazing qualities in her and I STILL don't want to give up on her. I know that healthy relationships have to be about great communication though and she just couldn't seem to do it. Her insecurities and fears rule her life. Our time was blissful and I feel that someday she will make some sort of amends, but probably not until it's way too late. Maybe she won't, but it doesn't make it any less of a horrible tragedy.

I'm having a tough time getting over all of the constant affirmations she gave me about how much she truly loved me. I believe in my heart that she really does. It's like her mind is saying no but her heart is saying yes. I don't think she loves herself enough though to be capable of loving me in a healthy way. I feel totally destroyed and used by someone who fools the world into believing that she has things pretty figured out. She refuses to even see me (which says to me she actually cares) and has been as cold as an Alaskan winter. She says it's not what she wanted and pretends like what we had meant nothing. COMPLETE AND TOTAL B.S.! Some things you just can not fake, no matter how hard you try! She seeks out all this attention from people who she doesn't really care about and who only add unhealthy drama to her life. She gets some sort of sick validation being around these people who do nothing to build her spirits or add to her well being but pushes away the ones she truly loves. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to live life like this. I can't fathom living a life where I destroy every good thing that happens to me because I feel like I don't deserve it. She broke up with me three days after telling me that she loved me in front of her family and that she was looking forward to building a life together. We were picking out planters for our house and looking at new beds together and she held my hand as she walked me to my car. None of it makes one bit of sense.

We have to continue to work on ourselves and focus on what makes US happy though. I recently made the decision to make "loving" my lifestyle and wow do I feel good! I give love to everyone now, even if I don't like them. Watch how you change people's attitudes! They look at you like "who the hell was that guy?!" I'm learning to love myself more everyday, stand up for what I believe in and gracefully detach from those who are toxic. Be the change you want to see in the world and you will feel more free then you ever have.

quetzal

Oh LovingYoungMan,

We share the same story. I found him a year and a half ago.He was broken and me being the nice person, took him in. He is a very attractive 26 year old, graduated from a prestigious school. You look at him and think he has it all together. I didn't meet him at a crappy club, I was introduced to him through my best friend as she was his boss when they were lifeguards. She knew him for 10 years. She approved and painted the picture that he had painted to the outside world. After I took him in for what I thought were issues that were temporary, he told me he was going to quit drinking for us. I didn't understand this as I hadn't seen "THE BIG PICTURE" yet. I agreed and he became a DRY DRUNK, which was a nightmare. I took it in anyways thinking that in a few months this rough patch would go away. I had never been around such sadness and self loathing. I had always been joyful and grateful for all I had. His energy crept into me slowly and I felt I disappeared. His world was my world. I stopped painting, stopped creating and playing music in my house. My plants died and I felt so engulfed in making "US" happy or at least at a place where life didn't feel so awful. Every holiday he was grumpy or found a reason to not be there in mind or spirit. He ruined my 30th birthday and I accepted it. Canceled my own party, so obsessed with making us work. Finally this December he destroyed us in one swoop. All those months he said he loved me, that he was so happy that I was in his life. That night I had accepted a new job and we were planning our future together. A few hours later he was punching holes in my wall and called me a stupid bitch. Spit on my car, broke 3 doors and blood stained my walls. Never had I experienced such pain and anguish. I had to ask friend for help, which was so embarrassing. He never came back. He and I met once where tears were shed, promises made, that he didn't keep. He Blocked me from FACEBOOK so that I couldn't see him anymore. The first 4 weeks after all of it he would send me hot and cold txt messages. I held my ground and kept away. I was so hurt. I can't trust him. I do believe he loves me and I am proud to see how far I have come in such a short period.

I sent him a letter 3 weeks ago. It was filled with rage, resentment and pure anger. I did it in that way as he doesn't play fair and I knew a verbal altercation would have destroyed me. I say the truth and I say things in love. When he is angry there are no lines he doesn't cross or boundries in his words. He says the most awful things. I knew that I just needed to say things without his 2 cents. Oddly he responded in love. Said he loves me for so many reasons and that he still wanted to be close to me. He hoped to see me soon. He also said " I don't know what you want from me"?

I think the first few weeks I just wanted him to come back apologize, makes amends and do what a healthy person would do, PUT THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER. I realize now he is not capable of such things. Thankfully I have let MOST of that go. I do not want anything form him anymore.

I want his love when he can give that. I miss him in my life and I miss hearing about his life. I miss telling him about my life. I miss having peace as I am so peaceful in nature. This block that we have faced I am lifting. I decided to let go in love. I called him and said this to him. He was aggressive and angry (as he always takes this approach first). I didn't matter to me anymore. He can take my love and twist it into snakes and demons. This was for me to say to own. To gain power in positive love and support. Be who I always have been. I was glad to hear his voice. I heard his monotone style and realized he is exactly where he was that night he shattered himself. He hasn't moved forward. He was still beating himself up over the past. I was no longer in that space. He resents me for moving forward, I heard that last night. It's funny what you think, what your head can tell you. I thought I wasn't important to him. But after speaking last night I realized how much he holds in and does not let go. Ho much healthier I am and how much I love myself. It was liberating. By the end of the conversation he was softer and just listened to me tell him how blessed I am to have had him in my life. Every so often he would chime in with a negative comment about himself. I ignored it and stayed the positive course. I told him that I have let it go and that I hope he can too as these were "ACTIONS" and not who he was. I love him for him, for us, for so many other reasons. I was stronger then I have felt in months. My life is busier and more put together. I feel I'm making up for lost time. I made that choice, it was a path I had to take to learn a lesson and be accountable for my own actions. After we got off the phone he text me that he was Thankful that I had been so mature and that he wishes he could have dealt with things differently. He also thanked me for saying all that I did, that he may forgive himself more quickly now. He is filled with more shame then I could ever imagine. I allow myself to make mistakes, forgive myself. I love me. He does not. In my fantasy I see him making changes and realizing that I am someone that he will fight for. This is a fantasy. He said he could never forget me and I believe that. I can only take that now as he can only give me that.

LovingYoungMan

Wow Quetzal. Our stories are not far off at all. I teared up a little when I read that last part about your fantasy of him making changes and realizing what he is giving up. That sounds like the words directly out of my mouth because I love her with all my heart. I actually sent her an amends letter of all the things that I wanted to take ownership of to clear my side of the street (even though she was way more hurtful with her actions). With good communication, forgiveness and boundaries, I believe those things could be overcome. I definitely wish she fought for us a little more. I am the kind of person that works on his mistakes and when I choose to date someone I will put in effort forever unless there is some sort of physical abuse. Some would say I'm weak but I'm just loving. I don't give up on love and am pretty dang happy with myself. I spent a lot of time trying to do the most thoughtful things for her to show her I really meant all the loving things I said. Things like, I had a picture of us framed when we went to the beach of her jumping into my arms and kissing me. She was ecstatic when she saw it and ran over and put it on her tv. The frame was sliver with an iron cutout of the word love across the top. The day she basically broke up with me she had been feeling sick and I cooked her her favorite dinner and had walked to the store in the rain to get her chocolate. I didn't do this because I felt like I was her doormat but because I feel it is what people do for the ones they love. I am letting go in love but it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. I lost my best friend. I too would just love to hear her voice and smile at her. I've thought a lot about dropping by her work just to say hello but I don't want to be a stalker. If God wants us to see each other, it will happen but I don't want to force it.

In my amends letter I added a section that had some anger and told her that there was no possible way that I didn't have feelings for her. I originally asked for five minutes of her time so I could make my amends in person but she said, "If you still have feelings for me, then it is probably a good idea that we not see each other." I was really hurt by this. I couldn't believe she would question if I still had feelings for her. I don't believe you can talk about building a life with someone and just suddenly not care for them. I listed all the reasons why exactly I still had feelings for her and said I felt she was afraid to love me. I told her that she lives in fear and has a lot of unresolved issues to deal with. I even went as far as saying that those issues may have even been why she drank in the first place. I know I have a lot of issues myself to work on but I am not afraid of them and I am not afraid to be 100% honest. When people tell me that I am messing up, I really try harder to be a better man. She didn't like my message so much and told me that she "wasn't in love with me", "doesn't have anything to do with her fear of love or her insecurities", and it "wasn't what she wanted". Don't believe it for one second; She is running from love, commitment and responsibilities. I believe she has a toxic sponsor too who helps her self destruct. Her sponsor is the person who is supposed to be guiding her through life but this is the person who flirted heavily with me when we met and I heard a story of her actually kissing a guy my ex liked before me. This woman is married and my ex justified it it by saying, "I can't control her actions." This is the person she puts all her trust in and tells all her secrets! It tears up my heart... I love her so much more than words can explain, and my love is as pure and genuine as it comes.

After her hurtful words and her questioning my amends, I sent her this short message. It is one of the most meaningful things I have ever written. I was having a really tough time when I sent this but I really wanted her to know how I feel about her. I know there are not a ton of men that actually care like I do in relationships and it just seems like such a waste. What do you think of my message?

"Dear ______

I want to thank you again for supporting me while I got involved with Al Anon. Without you I don't know if I would have ever gone, and it means the world to me. My intention with my amends was to take ownership of what I did wrong and I did so to the best of my ability. I may have fallen short but I am a work in progress. I've learned I have a ton of things to figure out and organize in my life before I can be in a healthy relationship with anyone. Right now I need to focus on my relationships with God, and myself. I responded to your comment on whether or not I still had feelings for you because I wanted you to know that my feelings are as genuine as they come. I meant every loving thing I said to you. I apologize if I assumed anything, and again for any controlling behaviors I ever had with you. I have never, nor will ever judge you for anything and am very proud of you. I do not have a mean word to say about you and I hope you stay strong in your recovery process as well. No matter how you feel about me, what you say or do to me, I accept you just as you are. My love for you is unconditional.

I believe in you."

quetzal

You love her so much. I think your message was a good one. We cannot control them, It's so hard not to reach out but if they're genuine in their love, they will seek us out. It's not about us (SO HARD TO REMEMBER THIS).They need space.

I am so sorry that she cannot recognize and value the great opportunities that she has had and could have with you. I know that months from now you and I will be in a better place. Listening to my Ex's voice recently reminded me of the place he's in. He is the same, no change "Enlightenment" in his views. The fact that we know this is a healthy learning lesson is such an amazing thing to realize. When I said that I had learned so much about myself these last few months, he said "Oh really I thought I just F**ked up your life, that's what I do best". I told him that he hadn't and that "I was fine, in fact great!". He seemed bothered and in fact envious of this.

I can take the bad pieces learn and make them right, forgive and move on. You're the same way. They both simmer in their own puddles of self hate. You are a sweet and caring person, she knows this. To treat you the way that she has is taking a very large toll on her even if she chooses not to admit it. I guess this is what they mean when they talk about being burned in relationships... I had never experienced this. He loves me so much, but would rather have me away so that he doesn't have to "TRY" he has no energy to "TRY". I doubt she does either. Healthy relationships are challenging... to put an addiction and emotional problems atop that, makes it doubly hard. Too much and you and I have suffered enough. Take space and breath, you are doing all that you can do. The universe works in wonderful ways and we are still in the tunnel going through this. We will look back and be grateful for the lessons that we have learned.

LovingYoungMan

That might be the most inspirational and empathetic response anyone has given me yet. Anyone. That was so beautiful and made me cry. You picked the perfect words and we are literally going through the EXACT same thing. So strange, but incredibly comforting to not feel alone. I am working relentlessly right now on myself and have learned so much in the past two months. Friends and family (even strangers) are telling me that there is something different about me. I make an effort to tell people I appreciate them and really mean it. It doesn't matter if it is a close friend or a grocery story clerk, I am being the change I want to see in the world. I am making an effort to raise people's spirits when they are upset and turn everything positive. I am setting healthy boundaries and not letting the anger of others bring my mood down. It is very freeing.

I must have read your response like 10 times today and it made me feel good every single time. I am very grateful that you came into my life. I am here for you if you ever need to talk or have any questions for me.

Cheers to us for being able to truly love them with all of our heart and mean every word. We are as real as they come.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

-LovingYoungMan

quetzal

We can thank them for getting us here. I honestly am so glad to see what I need to work on. I will not hurt myself this was anymore. We love ourselves and need to make "US" a priority. I am so happy to read your post, it made my day too!

Hugs to you and sending positive energy to the both of us...the universe will provide what we need