LostinBA

Quetzal, hopefully things are going great for today. I'm sure most people can empathize with what you are feeling, "perhaps this one text" will open up the lines of communication again. It seems like that would work with a normal relationship. I don't think I've read a single instance on here that it has helped with an alcoholic relationship, unless it was the alcoholic "needing" something. All you can do is the best that you can do. It honestly doesn't seem to matter what is said or done, it's not about you or even the two of you togehter, it's about him. It probably makes him feel better about himself to get those little texts from you. Don't give him that satisfaction.

Cyranoak

...you don't need it.

One of the things to work towards is becoming a person that doesn't "need" approval or acknowledgement from others.

I've been working on it for years and while I'm not there 100 percent, I'm there more often than in the needy place.

Good luck.

Cyranoak

wanttobehealthy

I don't know if this helps at all but I haven't reached that point either. I thought for a very long time that I had to have it all sorted out and feel okay and be content before I could move forward (literally and figuratively).

Then I realized that all I needed was to not want to live as miserably as I was (I guess it's no different really than when an A decides to get help for the same sort of reason) and in deciding that, some days definitely feel good and some days suck, but they suck in a very different way than they did when I was consumed with my AH.

I might not make any sense... I just wanted to share that you don't need to look as far ahead as feeling great and knowing you're all you need. One day at a time has taken on a whole new meaning for me even since leaving AH (or rather him leaving). When I start to look too far ahead I get overwhelmed and sad and stressed out. When I worry about each day-- and sometimes just parts of days at a time, I feel a lot more put together.

xo

FindingJoy

All of your feedback and encouragement is so helpful. It's so disturbing how I still get a positive change from reading his sappy sweet full of s$&t texts/emails. From reading co dependent no more I've learned that I subconsciously recreated the relationship with my mom who was not an A but is a diagnosed narcissist and workaholic. She would tell me all sorts of thi gs on how she loved me and would be very affectionate but than often put work before me to the point where she was absent enough for me to get molested by one of her employees. She needed that employee so badly that once she knew she still didn't fire him.
Only sharing this to help paint a picture.
So at 25 I moved in with ExAB #1 and I truly didn't have enough awareness to know he was an addict until a few weeks after moving out. He was much easier to leave than my recent ExAB as #1 was very mean and cut off emotionally except when drunk. Whereas my recent ex is a far more evolved addict with more tricks up his sleeve.
So the classic psychotherapy 101 trung to get the love from my mom that I always wanted through my relationships. My recent ex is a true male version of my mom except his addictions are food pills alcohol. His punishments for me not doing things his way are the same as my mom...withholding love, ignoring, and cutting below the belt with comments that they know will bring you to your knees.
Although my mom is now 71 she is still the same and there is nothing I can do to change her. I can just live the lovable parts and let go of the rest.
I will say this when my mon sends me sweet cards or emails it does make me feel good so does that mean I'm not fully detaching with love?

wanttobehealthy

I have a similar mom & followed similar r/s patterns as you.

I deal w my mom this way: I know what I can and can't expect from her. I can now get a call or card from her & take it in the moment as nice but am detached in a way that doesn't make me get hurt when she withdraws that love as quick as she gives it.
Once I accepted she never was nor ever will be the mom I wished I had had it made me oddly able to see her in a more vulnerable light than I had before & I still have hurts and sadness about so much of what she did to me as a kid but I somehow have been able to see that, feel it, acknowldge it & also take what she does have to offer & leave what doesn't work. Not sure this is coming across clearly. I'm on my phone & very tired do I apologize if I make no sense! There are parts of my mom that I understand better now for having been through what I have w AH & I think she is deeply flawed but loved me in the way she knew how & I choose to accept that & create some kind of r/s in the present that's separate from the past. My father on the other hand has continued to be the same narcissistic ass he always was & the only healthy choice w him is total detachment & NC. Ironically it's my mom who was more overtly abusive to me as
a kid but she has owned that whereas he cannot & thus I have zero need for his presence in my life.

Just my experience & if it helps in any way I am glad.

Ellensburg

I can so relate to your story, i too had a mother who was bipolar, but abusive. I never felt like i could please her... (AND I PLAYED THE SAME CHARACTER IN THE PLAY THAT I JUST WALKED OFF THE STAGE FROM) So interesting on how we could still crave love and attention from someone like our moms. He yelled, just like my mom, he pushed and shoved me and came at me screaming while pointing in my face (scary) just like my mom, he ignored me for days sometimes when he was mad. Just because I said something wrong. He would always say..." i just need a minute." Which translated to: I need a day or two to hang out in the bar and get really really good and smashed. I used to take it personally that he would rather do that than be with me and my kids. It was so insulting! But now I understand the disease better. I never ever want to experience a relationship like that again. I turned into the worst codependent that i HAD EVER known.
Thank-you for your words joy: I am so glad for you that you are healing... Time and space are truly the answer for our own selfdiscovery.
HUGS

meganw1972

I can totally relate. My AF and I had a strong relationship before he relapsed. He went to rehab seemed to be getting better, the relapsed again 1 wk out from rehab. He stayed a few days, then one day I came home from work and there was just a note saying he was breaking up with me. Nothing in person, doesn't respond to my phone calls, nothing. I am amazed by this, because we weren't fighting, I was being supportive of him without enabling, and we still really loved each other.

consciously I think I am trying to reach him to get some closure and to discuss practical things, like hello, getting his stuff out of the house. IN reading this thread, I realize that subconsciously, I am hoping he will tell how wrong he was, apologize, go out and get sober, and that we can live happily ever after.

We can't. He broke up with me by note, 1 week before my birthday. I know I deserve better, but I really need to conquer that part of me that says, if only he would call.

After reading this, I am not going to call him again, will pack up his stuff and send it to his Mom's house. I can't change him or fix him. If he wants to talk to me, he will have to call me. I deserve better than this, and so do you!

Ellensburg

I love this: I typed this out in Bold above a picture of me in a park...(a happier time, when I felt more peace in my life)
It say's "Hoping that he finds the grace to leave me in peace so I can do my own healing, and work on my own recovery. Also granting him space and peace for HIS recovery."

The other day my counselor asked..." Wouldn't it be great if G... didn't ever call you again?" (with a huge smile)

I have thought about that question a lot... Now, day 8... I agree... YES it would be great. BLOCKING HIS NUMBER. No more worries, no more waiting, no more tears. Moving on with a new perspective.

quetzal

Wish me luck tonight, he contacted me because I have his taxes and doc... he and I are meeting up to exchange. I'm trying my best to not CODIE out on it and build false expectations and fantasies that aren't real.I haven't seen him in 6 weeks and miss him terribly, hope I go there and see him and all the things that aren't right with us. I need that, I need to see it tonight- Trying not to find validation with him as I know that it's all about me now... It has to be

quetzal

NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!! I gotta let that go