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Just needed a hello from him

Old 01-22-2012, 11:51 AM
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Just needed a hello from him

Sent him a text this morning telling him that I missed him so much and that I hope he has a great day. No response. I guess I was looking forward to hearing him a little. I feel the distance now and am mourning the idea that we will not be close again. His addiction keeps him down and I struggle with that. I know I need to re-focus on me again. I just wanted a little affection or attention from him ... sad
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Old 01-22-2012, 12:33 PM
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I've been you & sent that text & felt that loneliness. And now looking back & being honest w myself here's what I know:
1). I knew before I sent the text or email that I likely wouldbt hear back. And in those moments when I already knew he'd pulled away, that's when I reached out. I did it bc I was codependent & figured if he wouldn't stay connected to me on his own then id reach out to him & try to make him connect w me.

2). I was reaching out to him to get something I thought I needed. In fact I was trying to solicit a response from him that could satiate my voice telling me this was unhealthy & I needed out.

3) I wanted to convince myself he was caring & loving & capable of caring about me. But bc he wasn't showing this on his own I tried to pull it out of him.

There wasn't a single time I reachedout to him as you describe doing when I wound up feeling good; infact I'm pretty sure I almost always felt worse.

A relationship that's worth being a part of doesn't feel like this.

Xo
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Old 01-22-2012, 12:44 PM
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I also can't remember a single time I reached out to him when I felt he was pulling away that I ended up feeling good. In fact it always made me feel worse because I would then start ruminating over why his voice was flat, why he didn't sound excited to hear from me, why wasn't he the one to contact me and make me feel better? and on and on the cycle went. I agree with wantobehealthy in that a relationship worth being part of DOESN'T feel like this.
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Old 01-22-2012, 12:48 PM
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hugs quetzal, me too, been there, done that.

it can be so hard to move on
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Old 01-22-2012, 12:53 PM
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I'm very sorry you're in a situation like this. You can't understand it and have no control over outcomes. An alcoholic is the wrong person to expect care and attention from. While an alcoholic is drinking/using, the bottle is his/her higher power, much more important than a person.

I really hope you dive into Al-anon. And start seeing people who are capable of a relationship. Alcoholics aren't.
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Old 01-22-2012, 01:07 PM
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Made me cry as I know posting and reading your thoughts would. I agree with you all, I know that I HEAR it but am not LISTENING and fully UNDERSTANDING it all... I know time will help - AL-ANON has been a great help. I have a women's group tomorrow night and I so look forward to it. I was feeling so down today, haven't felt this low for awhile. Wanted all that you had stated above and I know that I need to pull it all from within ...xoxo

Thank you for your continued honesty and unconditional support
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Old 01-22-2012, 02:32 PM
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He responded and wished me a great day too, So true what you all said. It's just not enough and never has been.
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Old 01-22-2012, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I've been you & sent that text & felt that loneliness. And now looking back & being honest w myself here's what I know:
1). I knew before I sent the text or email that I likely wouldbt hear back. And in those moments when I already knew he'd pulled away, that's when I reached out. I did it bc I was codependent & figured if he wouldn't stay connected to me on his own then id reach out to him & try to make him connect w me.

2). I was reaching out to him to get something I thought I needed. In fact I was trying to solicit a response from him that could satiate my voice telling me this was unhealthy & I needed out.

3) I wanted to convince myself he was caring & loving & capable of caring about me. But bc he wasn't showing this on his own I tried to pull it out of him.

There wasn't a single time I reachedout to him as you describe doing when I wound up feeling good; infact I'm pretty sure I almost always felt worse.

A relationship that's worth being a part of doesn't feel like this.

Xo
I've been there too for years and years, hoping to stir something inside him to see the love and care being showered on him and hoping that would move him to stop him drinking himself into oblivion 24/7.

I'm so grateful I've found SR. There is so much collective wisdom here. I have learned so much from all of you.

I know I cant control his drinking. I cant cure his drinking. I didn't cause his drinking.

That was the first thing I learned when I started reading posts here 2 years ago.

No point in trying to reach him to see if he cared about me at all. He only cares about his next drink. Same as every other alcoholic.

Once I realised that, and that wasn't easy, I knew I had to step back.

What an awful disease this is.

I'm at a stage in life where my kids have left home and my husband and I should be settling down to a happy retirement.

Instead, his alcoholism has advanced to such an awful degree that he has had 2 DUIs in 2 weeks, he has never seen his 7 month old granddaughter and our kids don't want anything to do with him.

I've given up trying to cure him thanks to SR, but sadly his life seems to be on a downward spiral.

Not my fault.
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Old 01-22-2012, 11:31 PM
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I get the feeling, you are right it will never be enough, everything we need is already within we just need to remove the toxic people/toxic thoughts ...

Investing in yourself will get you there and all this will be a distant memory, so glad you have support in real life.

Stop going to the HW store for bread!!
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Old 01-23-2012, 12:32 AM
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Yes I know that I haven't reached that wonderful feeling/realization that Im all that I need. That everything lies within me. I hope to get there truly one day... One day at a time
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Old 01-23-2012, 05:41 AM
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Quetzal,
I wish I had some wisdom to offer you but I actually came here seeking solace.
I appreciate your post.
When I became sober, my alcoholic drug addict bf began to pull away and spend more time with his running buddies.
I never dreamed it would happen, I thought our love was unconditional.
So now it's over. I know how you feel, having to wait for a response for a text message. A real dignity killer.

Fundamentally, drug addicts/ alcoholics just cannot be in a relationship. First of all, relationships involve socializing. That involves some kind of planning and showing up and being on time. Forget that. Also socializing (movies, dinner, etc) costs money, and he has all his money tied up somewhere else. But the most important part of a relationship is face to face quality time. Addicts are always busy copping, scoring, getting high, and coming down. You will be left with whatever scraps of time he can spare, if that.
Hugs and I'm so sorry.
If my post has a harsh tone, it's because I'm really lecturing to myself, I'm right there with you. Just been broken up for about a day.
Take care of yourself.
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
1). ...I figured if he wouldn't stay connected to me on his own then id reach out to him & try to make him connect w me.
This is how I still feel whenever I get the urge to contact my RAF. I still miss the daily contact I used to have with him. There is a tiny bit of communication that takes place between us, related to his former employment, but it's impersonal right now. What I really want is to have that personal connection back, so every now and then, I still feel like I should reach out, thinking that maybe *this time* he will reply. But I know I can't make him reply. So even though it's hard, I haven't contacted him.

quetzal, I am also glad you have found SR, please keep reading and posting. It takes time but someday I do think you will be able to realize that you are "all that you need." Sending you strength.
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:13 PM
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Quetzel,

Oh I hear you... I am curious how your day is going right now! I am in the exact same spot you are right now. My xABF and I just ended things very recently, actually went up to see him about a week ago and THAT was a mistake. He acted very in love with me, but next day... no texts about anything love-related. We codependents crave that, need that, as long as we try to hang on to an unhealthy addictive relationship, we will try to get what we can. (the validation is medicine to us, drugs I mean...) Soooo, Here is what I am doing... maybe it will help you...
1) do something very unusual...just for YOU... something you know that you would be bragging about later... It's okay... you deserve to talk to others about how great and amazing you are. Do something fabulous for yourself. (I went to a book/signing/reading downtown at a very hip bookstore. HAD a blast. I felt EMPOWERED!

2) PLEASE believe me when I say, each day gets easier. AND time is on your side sweetie. I ended it for good 5 days ago. (third attempt) I made it very clear, and was a bitch about it. HE knows he has been awful to me, even though he denies it. HE KNOWS! So that's all I needed to cross over that line to "betterment, or should I say UNdependence." AGAIN... let me clarify.... I FELT VERY EMPOWERED. DAY 4 was easier than day 3....pick a day in the near future when you know it will feel better and you can breathe and have moments without thinking (obsessing) about him.

3) Learn something new... google something in the arts, or about your favorite animal... or something! fill your brain with information... anything other than about him. ( learn about codependence too, I am reading "codependent no more" )

4) SET 3 short term goals for yourself, and 2 longterm goals... focus on those.

These things are working for me.
p.s. day 7 is about 36 hours away... thank god. I can do this.... I have decided even if he texts me, I am not responding... I LOVE myself more than this disease. REMEMBER this is but a blip... blink of an eye... on our whole journey sweetie. ...hugs!
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:30 PM
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Bianca

Originally Posted by Bianca105 View Post
Fundamentally, drug addicts/ alcoholics just cannot be in a relationship. First of all, relationships involve socializing. That involves some kind of planning and showing up and being on time. Forget that. Also socializing (movies, dinner, etc) costs money, and he has all his money tied up somewhere else. But the most important part of a relationship is face to face quality time. Addicts are always busy copping, scoring, getting high, and coming down. You will be left with whatever scraps of time he can spare, if that.
Thanks for your words, going through the same thing, it is hard to be so attached and then lose that person, even if you know it is RIGHT. Read what I wrote to Quetzel. I think those things have made this last week more manageble. HUGS to you.
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:21 PM
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Oh my goodness, So many of us in the same struggles... yes yes ... I downloaded Co -Dependent No More - Melody Beattie about the 3rd day he walked out of my life, it got me through some dark December nights... hearing her words kept me sane (to a degree).

Ellensburg you said "My xABF and I just ended things very recently, actually went up to see him about a week ago and THAT was a mistake. He acted very in love with me, but next day... no texts about anything love-related." That's similar to what I went through. After her said and did some bad things on the fateful "XMAS BINGEFEST 2011" he and I met up so he could pay me the damages to my wall, he and I walked, talked, cried, kissed and hugged for hours in my car... then I got home and saw some things that he had FB posted and I wasn't happy, I expressed it as I was so upset/broken after all that had happened. That was his excuse to say that maybe this wasn't gonna work because of the way I WAS ACTING... lol!!!! then he said... He needed to be selfish and have space....I can look back now and just see how twisted he is, after all I have put up with he is so easy to judge my behavior, my feelings all because of the abrupt break up...and the last year of ROLLER COASTER DRAMAS!

I know we are all wishing and/or mourning, I know I'm still hoping.... but I see the light getting dimmer and dimmer for me. I know he see's no light for himself it's shut out and he sits in sadness and regret. I know he loves me but that's all. He has to hit his own rock bottom and unfortunatley he is young (26) and still so immature. I am young but the difference is I have the tools to help myself and love myself unconditionally. I do know he tried his hardest and that comforts me. I cannot say that he didn't try, he did, he did all that he could do... I love him for that. He is a sweet man but is so tired already..exhausted from life I love life and being around someone who acts as if they're an old person is no good for me. I really thought I could "Pull him out". All I can do is pull myself out...He needs to want it. He is so focused on hating himself. Thank you all for sending the love and words, this will help us all get through it...
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:43 PM
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On an note... I was SO GLAD!!!! The holidays are gone, it was such a tough year and I was cringing when the year flipped to 2012, but I knew that it would be 20x better then the end of 2011... I finally got a GREAT JOB - Part time so I can still paint and do art shows, I enrolled in community college to finish my schooling, Have been focused on my art in my business plans... I've been so much busier... Oh and I go to Al-Anon 1 a week, that has been great!

I am grateful for this relationship my father is an active AH and being with this person brought out a lot of issues that I didn't even know I had. Made me ask questions and search within...to see what I needed to work on. For that I am truly grateful.

I have always been so in tune to the Universe, the day that he flipped on me was the day that I had excepted a new job (after being unemployed and unhappy for a year and a half). A week before that I had hit a low and asked the UNIVERSE to push me towards what I needed to move forward. If it had asked me if I wanted the changes to be done the way it had, I would have said NO!!!! I didn't want to let go... He was a huge block in my life path and I had to break out from him one way or another. I knew he was blocking me months ago but didn't have the strength to separate myself. The universe works in mysterious ways... I am happier, For the first time in so long have started to feel GRATEFUL again, being in his energy always made me feel anxious and desperate... The world is not this way, it is magical and beautiful and I'm seeing that again. I can NEVER go back to that state of mind, I will not let anyone effect me or take me over in that way... That was a choice I made - I love him and I hope he continues to be in my life in some capacity, but that is for the universe to decide... I realize that I cannot force things that should come naturally ... The key is to take care of myself and not direct care to others in that unhealthy codie way, I see now how detrimental that can be, I am happy to see what patterns I need to change/overcome. I want a healthy loving relationship with someone that doesn't leave me with holes in my walls, blood on the floor a week before Xmas.
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:00 PM
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A BIG thank you for your posts and replies. I finally left my EXAB 3 weeks ago and stuck by my word for once. I have not seen him and only spoke to him once on the phone for 15 minutes where he did all of the talking telling me about all of the progress he's made and a lst of his Thearpy appointments and AA meetings. Isn't it funny how addicts will be the first to share and even brag about doing something positive (even if it's something us normies do daily like cat box or garbage) but are also the first to lie avoid deny a bad behavior.
What does this teach us that they do know right from wrong but choose the behavior that suits them at that time without any thought of someone else.

I'm struggling with his text messages. I would be lying if I said I didn't like reading them as they are all very sweet and loving. I have written back several times with a "thank you." Am I suppose to ignore them completely? I know that if he was going to change his life for himself this would have already happened with or without me. He's 46 and I'm 34. Now he's saying this is his rock bottom and he's really ready. Well that may or may not be true and that is his business. I'm thinking if this is really his time to change it will be obvious but I don't want to set my self up again as he's given me the line several times..

I'm know enough not to see him or speak with him but Im not sure what to make of " I really get it now and I'm ready to be the man you deserve blah blah blah".

Any insight would be very appreciated.
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Old 01-23-2012, 11:09 PM
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Space is important... If it's meant to be it will be.. He txt me for 3 weeks straight and was loving, recounting memories, emailed me pictures of us...facebooked me a poem that I had written last year... to remind me of how I had felt, follow your gut feeling... hopefully he can pull it together but obsessing over getting back with you is not where his focus should be. He needs to know that you have lines that will no longer be crossed, are you ready to be that person? All is manipulation good or bad... I saved a few of his messages and am proud that I have deleted so many others... One day at a time - Separation brings Insight
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Old 01-25-2012, 10:20 AM
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I made it...

Quetzel, and Bianca: I made it 7 days with No contact. Hope you guys are hanging in there also, sounded like things are getting easier? This is the longest/strongest I've ever been 7 days is huge. I feel pretty damn good. I saw Kelly Pickler on Good Morning America She sang a song called "TOUGH"... "Nothing wrong with a lady having a little backbone..." (yay KELLY) anyone finding themself in a codependent relationship, trying to get out, should listen to this song and download it. I believe now that I am better off without his ugly, irresponsible, violent behavior in my life. Whew.... Gettin me some backbone!
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Old 01-25-2012, 11:06 AM
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I've so been in your shoes. It is incredibly hard to let go.

I realized that in my loneliness, I was hanging on to a fantasy, not reality. My fantasy was that my AH cherished me and adored me and would climb mountains to keep our marriage together. The reality, of course, was that my AH cherished and adored his other woman --- booze.

I feel like I went through the stages of grieving. It has been incredibly painful with many months of feeling bleak. Eventually, there were rays of sunshine. Now there are whole days of sunshine. Hang in there. Take care of you in the best ways you can figure out. Let yourself grieve, but don't get lost in it. It will get easier with time.
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