silkspin

I used to be more active in the forum, but as I got better I got busier! It's nice though to revisit the community that gave me so much support in the past!

And, as I get better, my relationship has gotten better, my household is peaceful, my AH improving, daughter a happy-go-lucky little girl. All great things. The relationship that's gotten tougher is with my sister.

I think the reason why is that we were clones before I found al anon. We were both critical, judgemental, codependent, manipulative, controlling, gossipy, full of ego. I have let many of those traits go all together - and those I haven't let go I've improved upon. But she hasn't. My sponsor says that the gap widens between those in program and those not, and when you don't 'dance the dance' with them when they engage, they try harder. I'm trying to break free of her control and have realized how she tries to hook people into her reality. But it's such a hard road, and despite this strain we are very close and so are our families.

I'm hoping for more perspectives here. For example, tonight she 'interrogated' me about my husband's xmas party tomorrow. Not a light, fun, conversation, but always probing. What time is your babysitter coming? Is she coming alone? (she's 14 but she's done this for us before and her family is closeby and we're comfortable with her) - what time are you coming home? Gee, I don't know. You haven't told your babysitter what time you're coming home? I said that I wasn't expecting a terribly late night and of course I'd inform her of when we'll be home. Sister - you have to drive her home (comment made as a statement as if I don't know this?)..ok, here I said, I understand the concept of babysitters, and I'm almost 40 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So then, she tells me she feels I have a snarky tone. Hook. I just don't know how to handle these kinds of statements. She said she feels sometimes I talk to her with a 'tone' and that I wouldn't talk like that to a friend. I simply said of course not, everyone is an individual and I talk with them based on who they are. I said I would tell her directly if I had an issue or she hurt me in any way, I wouldn't be passive aggressive. But my response was a bit of an exasperation that I'm bombarded with such minutia from her when, why should she even care???? And in her mind, all her side of the conversation is perfectly acceptable, but then when I counter with a comment to deflect all her questions, all of a sudden I'm an offender.

My sponsor has guided me that when my sister wants something from me, to keep my response simple. Such as, no thank you, I don't want to do that. Period. nothing else. But I still just don't have the right strategies to deal with, for example, the kind of conversation I just had with her. I don't want to call out her behaviour because I want to let her be her own person and not judge, but I just don't know how to respond. And then she presses any response, regardless of what it is. She admitted she is a sensitive person so may be more affected by my 'tone', so I took that opportunity to nudge her - saying yes, do you hear yourself, it's you who is being sensitive. Which means you must deal with how you feel in reaction to how I speak. Not expect me to change my 'tone' (whatever that means anyway) to make her feel better in speaking with me. In any case, I'm still working to resolve my issues around her, as she is a person I've known and been close to since birth. So that heightens everything. I know I have to work my feelings about her myself, instead of screaming at her to mind her own damned business and that I think she's so critical and judgemental and controlling. I did say at one point I'm sorry you feel that way, but her probing leaves me at a loss and I start struggling with how to manage without creating chaos.

Sorry this is long, but I just had to vent. And perhaps someone has some thoughts from their own experience.

Learn2Live

Good lord Silkspin!! It even SOUNDS exhausting; your head must be spinning! Your sponsor sounds like a smart woman.

I have no ESH to share on this one, other than to say, I have simplified my life immensely since I first started working on my Recovery. And I've found what brings me true Peace & Serenity. That has meant Letting Go of MANY old relationships that were no longer working for me, yes, including family members and very close friends who I loved dearly. I just cannot, and will not, handle that much chaos and confusion in my life anymore. Not saying that is what you should do in your situation, just sharing where I am. I am sorry your sis is this way. Hope someone is along shortly with a better response.

seek

To each question you could say, "Why do you ask?"

silkspin

I don't think it's a situation where I want her out of my life - she is important to me and we do get along in many cases. I know that I am forging new ground in my recovery and she is stuck in old behaviour, and I'm caught in that horrible middle ground of an old and new self. Also, for many years we lived in different cities and we moved back to my home city about when I went into recovery.

If I ask why she asks, I've done so before, she gets defensive - no reason, can't I ask a simple question? Then calls me defensive! It just feels like a hamster wheel sometimes. And I know I must work on me even harder when it comes to her - because she still makes me feel uncomfortable - that I'm being judged and scrutinized. It's horrible because I see how I used to be, and it has really opened my eyes in how I used to treat my AH. At least I learned a lesson!

suki44883

This may be where boundaries come in. Maybe decide what subjects you won't discuss with her, and when she hits on one, change the subject. With consistency, maybe she'll get a clue that you're perfectly willing to remain close, but there are some subjects you just won't talk with her about.

seek

Maybe see if she will join you in "therapy" - a couple of sessions to improve communications. You can tell her that you love her but you are exasperated and you could probably both benefit from learning new ways to relate to each other.

When she gets defensive, if you have good boundaries, you can just say something like, "I'm sorry you are upset and I love you" (and then whatever else you need to say). Use "I" messages (i.e., "When you ask me so many questions, it makes me feel hurt or crazy or whatever") . . .

silkspin

My sponsor has told me to not worry about helping her, but when she starts going on about other things in her life like her husband, I mention that al anon is good at giving healthy life skills, and how much better I am now from my previously unhealthy, codependent behaviours (which incidentally were exactly like hers, i.e. "I used to do that all the time and now I know a better way and things have improved). She has said she'd go to a meeting but hasn't yet; she hangs on to her behaviour with an iron grip; again like I did before al anon chipped away at the armour. But I know I can't force it.

Seek, that's something I can use though, thanks.