married10

Just wondering how some feel about this and/or if you have done it yourself.
My AH and I are days away from our divorce being official in the courts rule. Not settled but entered in. Now he hasn't drank since August (but he hasn't gone to any type of counseling or AA) which sadly doesn't affect my decision to want to end our marriage. He is completely against us divorcing, I have tried a couple times to discuss the distribution of our things of whom gets what and the last time I mentioned it, he said he wanted to talk to his lawyer first. (but of course kept saying he don't want this, the divorce that is)

I have been thinking about actually sitting down with him and telling him why, why I cannot see us staying married and having a truly happy life. He has heard some of it but I still don't think he comprehends. I can see us being friends in the end, but I can't see my self ever loving and trusting him as a wife should, that is the part I don't think he gets. Is it my place to have to explain this to him again or should I just keep moving ahead and not have this discussion? Even though he isn't drinking, there are times I see his way of thinking is still like the mind of state when he was actively using. I would think after 1 1/2 years of being unhappy, that even the dumbest people would see it. I guess sometimes I think, if he truly loved me and wanted the best for me, he would let me go.

Thanks all!

StarCat

Every situation is different. I tried to talk to my XABF (alcoholic ex-boyfriend), and he didn't hear a word I said. He cried, said he understood, and then attempted to propose to me.

The difference, though, is that I felt better leaving because I had tried to have the conversation.

So I would say that it's more important what you feel comfortable with, and you need to ensure that if you have the conversation it is for the right reasons. If you're going in with expectations as to his reaction to this conversation, then the odds are good that you'll be disappointed, and so you shouldn't have the conversation. If you want to talk to him about it simply because it will help you to feel better, then absolutely, you should attempt to talk to him - just don't be surprised if his reaction is not what you hoped.


tl;dr - If the conversation is for your sake and your mental health, absolutely have it! If you're hoping the conversation will change things, "make him see the light," or any other specific reaction on his end, it's probably not worth it.

married10

Thank you StarCat - this part made the most impression on me -

tl;dr - If the conversation is for your sake and your mental health, absolutely have it! If you're hoping the conversation will change things, "make him see the light," or any other specific reaction on his end, it's probably not worth it.

suki44883

Not really. He's only going to hear what he wants to hear, just as he's already been doing. I think it's entirely normal to want to fully explain our side of the issue, but it doesn't really matter in the long run.

Grab ahold of your new life, make the decisions you need to make for your own well-being, and let him do whatever he is going to do. It sounds like he's living in denial and there is no way to snap them out of it, they have to do that on their own.

Sotiredofitall

For me, the deciding factor was that he got *help* dealing with his need for alcohol. AH had tried to change his behavior so many times that it was like a broken record. I came to the decision that I was at a zero tolerance for alcohol...and he had to get help. I guess this time he realized I WOULD leave. I'm still not fullly engaging, its been a month. But this is the biggest effort he has put into it.
You have to decide if there is enuf love/energy left in you to see if those feelings can return......if he remains sober.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is a good place to be. Read through the many posts and gather your thoughts. Hugs to you in your journey!

nodaybut2day

In my case, I had to ask myself what I was hoping to accomplish by talking to XAH....turns out I was hoping for some validation or closure from him, which, if I was honest with myself, wasn't ever going to happen. I chose to give myself my own validation instead of knocking myself against the brick wall of his delusion.

Thumper

In my case it was not worth it. Nothing I said would help him understand or accept the divorce. He still sometimes asks and I still ignore. I don't know how to say it any differently and it tramples on my mental state to try and so I just don't do it.

I do feel badly about it. I still wish I could figure it out because it doesn't feel right that a person is divorced and doesn't understand why. It is what it is though and I've just accepted that.