I caved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
I caved.
I caved.
I tried to end it with my ABF but I caved. I was pretty strong, we were talking a lot about why I thought the relationship wasn't getting any better, only worse. and Wow, he turned into MR. perfect. (I grew up mormon, i am not anymore, but my new and improved ABF could've been a mascot for the mormons all last week.) So... stupid, needy, and typical ME... I fell back in love or let myself soften...whichever. Anyway, he lost it yesterday, started kicking my furniture around, and yelling. No, he had not been drinking yet -it was still early - like 9:00am. What started it: I asked him if he was talking to any woman imparticular on FB... He gets verrrrry defensive about FB. He feels it is a social network for all of his Losangeles x-girlfriends, or so called friends... I am supposed to believe he doesn't talk to any of them when I have seen that he is always communicating with some woman over text, IM, twitter, or email. THERE is always someone flirting with him.So I had to ask.... and he freaked out. I took a deep breath and through tears told him to get out. (take your beer!-I also added) ...ooops... I feel bad about that one. I'm not one to be nasty. But i was angry.
I still want out, I am so chicken to just do this and MAKE it stick. I am so codependent it's embarrassing. UGH.... Feeling so weak...any encouragement would help me today. Needing some postive talk.
I tried to end it with my ABF but I caved. I was pretty strong, we were talking a lot about why I thought the relationship wasn't getting any better, only worse. and Wow, he turned into MR. perfect. (I grew up mormon, i am not anymore, but my new and improved ABF could've been a mascot for the mormons all last week.) So... stupid, needy, and typical ME... I fell back in love or let myself soften...whichever. Anyway, he lost it yesterday, started kicking my furniture around, and yelling. No, he had not been drinking yet -it was still early - like 9:00am. What started it: I asked him if he was talking to any woman imparticular on FB... He gets verrrrry defensive about FB. He feels it is a social network for all of his Losangeles x-girlfriends, or so called friends... I am supposed to believe he doesn't talk to any of them when I have seen that he is always communicating with some woman over text, IM, twitter, or email. THERE is always someone flirting with him.So I had to ask.... and he freaked out. I took a deep breath and through tears told him to get out. (take your beer!-I also added) ...ooops... I feel bad about that one. I'm not one to be nasty. But i was angry.
I still want out, I am so chicken to just do this and MAKE it stick. I am so codependent it's embarrassing. UGH.... Feeling so weak...any encouragement would help me today. Needing some postive talk.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: England
Posts: 116
Hi Ellensburg,
Dont judge yourself too harshly about caving in - talking for myself, I lost count about how times I caved in too, Its a process I had to go through,I am a human being first and foremost.
Sending you all best wishes
Dont judge yourself too harshly about caving in - talking for myself, I lost count about how times I caved in too, Its a process I had to go through,I am a human being first and foremost.
Sending you all best wishes
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Big bear hug for you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. We all make mistakes, as long as you learn from them, and move forward then you are on the right track.
If you are not already doing it, please consider counseling and al-anon.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
If you are not already doing it, please consider counseling and al-anon.
Best of luck to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Ellensberg))) - I caved a lot of times, more out MY need to not be alone, even though it would have been better than what I was going through. I did it enough times until it was just "too little too late" and I was done.
You do deserve to have a life without all this stuff, but it often takes us a while to believe that. I read through a gazillion posts of others who had broken free from the addict and that helped me realize that life goes on and it can be pretty cool when we start taking care of ourselves.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You do deserve to have a life without all this stuff, but it often takes us a while to believe that. I read through a gazillion posts of others who had broken free from the addict and that helped me realize that life goes on and it can be pretty cool when we start taking care of ourselves.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
I caved in so many times I would be embarrassed to say how many until one day something finally snapped for good in my brain and it was over. The pleading and promises had no effect on me anymore. I was free from the chaos, confusion, and endless dead end discussions and felt like a long heavy weight had finally been lifted. We all have our breaking points and our own time of getting there. Al Anon helped me a great deal and so did codependency therapy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Go easy on yourself Ellen, these things happen.
Seriously, he's kicking furniture and yelling, he is not in control. I have this picture in my head of a child having a temper tantrum. Only this is not funny, this is abusive behavior.
He maintains contact with all these women, he is constantly texting and flirting with other women, really, WTH??????
He does not sound like relationship material at all.
I support your decision to kick him to the curb.
Hang in there, time to concentrate on you. You certainly deserve better than he can offer. Keep reading and posting. More will be revealed...........
Seriously, he's kicking furniture and yelling, he is not in control. I have this picture in my head of a child having a temper tantrum. Only this is not funny, this is abusive behavior.
He maintains contact with all these women, he is constantly texting and flirting with other women, really, WTH??????
He does not sound like relationship material at all.
I support your decision to kick him to the curb.
Hang in there, time to concentrate on you. You certainly deserve better than he can offer. Keep reading and posting. More will be revealed...........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you. Please don't beat yourself up, this is par for the course for so many of us. It's a process. I had to get it deep in my soul that "this isn't going to change". And, that it's really about me, my feelings, beliefs and actions, not about the alcoholic at all.
Again, recovery is a process. It's progress, not perfection. You can do this!
Again, recovery is a process. It's progress, not perfection. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Don't ever be ashamed of "caving in". I did it more times than I can remember. My ex was extremely abusive, verbally, emotionally, financially, and occassionally physically. I believed him each time that he apologized, and he would become the man that I knew and loved, he would even go to therapy.
I also belong to an abuse forum. It got so bad that I was embarrassed to even post there, but still I stayed.
Each time I "caved", I now consider it as "another nail in the coffin, that was our marriage". The "coffin" was finally sealed shut after 25 1/2 years of marriage.
Even after I left, I still wanted to hear "the words", the "promises", anything. I heard nothing, except the words that stayed in my head, that I was the cause of all this, and that I was the problem.
But, you know what, I could have taken all the anti-depressants in the world, and it still would have not made him "nice".
I was not the problem, I was not the blame.
There wasn't anything that I could do, or not do, that would make things any better. BTDT, and it didn't work.
When I left, I only wanted 2 things. I wanted him to care about me, and to treat me like a human. He wouldn't or couldn't, and I guess right now I just don't care. That's how low that I felt when I was with him. I even wanted this when I left him.
I came to realize that what I wanted most of all "validation" was not going to happen. I wanted this from someone, who stomped on my heart, stomped on my soul.
I started listening to other people, my family, my friends, strangers. No one had a bad word to say about me. I found out that people actually like me, love me, and care about me.
I needed to let the "validation" go.
No matter what you do, or don't do, you will always feel the love here. You are precious.
I also belong to an abuse forum. It got so bad that I was embarrassed to even post there, but still I stayed.
Each time I "caved", I now consider it as "another nail in the coffin, that was our marriage". The "coffin" was finally sealed shut after 25 1/2 years of marriage.
Even after I left, I still wanted to hear "the words", the "promises", anything. I heard nothing, except the words that stayed in my head, that I was the cause of all this, and that I was the problem.
But, you know what, I could have taken all the anti-depressants in the world, and it still would have not made him "nice".
I was not the problem, I was not the blame.
There wasn't anything that I could do, or not do, that would make things any better. BTDT, and it didn't work.
When I left, I only wanted 2 things. I wanted him to care about me, and to treat me like a human. He wouldn't or couldn't, and I guess right now I just don't care. That's how low that I felt when I was with him. I even wanted this when I left him.
I came to realize that what I wanted most of all "validation" was not going to happen. I wanted this from someone, who stomped on my heart, stomped on my soul.
I started listening to other people, my family, my friends, strangers. No one had a bad word to say about me. I found out that people actually like me, love me, and care about me.
I needed to let the "validation" go.
No matter what you do, or don't do, you will always feel the love here. You are precious.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by tabatha 
I caved in so many times I would be embarrassed to say how many until one day something finally snapped for good in my brain and it was over. The pleading and promises had no effect on me anymore. I was free from the chaos, confusion, and endless dead end discussions .
i told him I felt like he beats me down, HE just couldn't understand why or how that could be??? I am convinced he doesn't hear himself. I could never talk to someone the way he talks to me. I want out so bad, scared to be alone for Christmas though. UGH.
He said he wants to resolve the discussion later, OMG! what!? I told him we were beating it to death... we have now argued about the same thing for about 2 and half hours. I told him it would be good if we could just resolve it now. He said he isn't ready. Wants to stay home again tonight and not be with us for dinner, (again) - Can't compete with beer I guess... WTH? I will just let him stay there, he doesn't deserve to be around my wonderful kids. (he is all happy and comedic around them, and a very rude, arrogant and opinionated around me.) I'm convinced he loves to battle, and he loves to be right. I always feel bad after any fight. I've got to get out.
thank-you for writing me back. thank-you everyone! I am going to counseling to muster strength. Need INNER strength. We are exploring codependency.
oh, btw, I feel like if I go to al-anon that I am empowering him some how. Like I am accepting that I am stuck with this creap. Does that make sense?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Al-anon isn't about him, it's about you. I don't go, but have been on SR for a long time. I see it as not so much about admitting I'm stuck with the crap, but that I'm realizing I do deserve better and I want to find out what has made me accept unacceptable behavior and get to a point where I realize it's unacceptable and want better for me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
It does, but you'll find that not all of the people there will be still with their A's. Many people keep going to meetings after they let go of their A and get out. There is still alot to learn there, for YOU.
I remember that feeling---the no hope, don't know what to do, helpless feeling. Take your power back. Don't engage in the stupid facebook or other arguements.
I caved so many times. Once I had taken the kids (my daughter and his son) to a hotel because he was in the middle of a binge and I didn't want to deal with that or have them witness it. I had decided I wasn't going back then. I called for 3 days, waiting for him to be sober enough that I could come home and pack up. When I went back to pack, I caved. he made promises to stop which seemed very sincere, so I brought him gatoraid and nursed his hangover and stayed several more months.
You aren't alone. There are people here who understand---and also real life people at Alanon.
I remember that feeling---the no hope, don't know what to do, helpless feeling. Take your power back. Don't engage in the stupid facebook or other arguements.
I caved so many times. Once I had taken the kids (my daughter and his son) to a hotel because he was in the middle of a binge and I didn't want to deal with that or have them witness it. I had decided I wasn't going back then. I called for 3 days, waiting for him to be sober enough that I could come home and pack up. When I went back to pack, I caved. he made promises to stop which seemed very sincere, so I brought him gatoraid and nursed his hangover and stayed several more months.
You aren't alone. There are people here who understand---and also real life people at Alanon.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I completely feel ya sweetie. I have threatened to leave, given time limits to the time he has to get sober to leave, have left for a couple days and YET, still I remain. Most days are really just sucky in a relationship sense. I do most of the housework, care for our son for the most part, pay all the bills, etc etc. My ABF looks at other girls whenever we go somewhere and acts like he isn't with me. I have gained some weight since we first met and after having a baby (I actually lost 15 lbs thru juicing this last month, YEAH!) BUT he used to do the same thing when I was very thin and super attractive. People didn't understand why I was with him. He would act like he could always get someone better. I think that is part of the plan with people who have low self-esteem and addiction issues. They build themselves up in their own heads to deal with themselves and make those who love them feel low so they can control us, beat us down and ultimately it keeps us around longer.
I have finally started to get in touch with the real ME again. The person who people used to say, "GEE, you are always smiling." I have had people pull me aside, strangers, and say what a beautiful person I am and that I exude such positivity. Seriously, that USED to happen before I met this man. Since meeting him, I have felt like a shell of my former confident, happy, positive, responsible, determined self. BUT, I am not going to let him ruin me anymore.
Just remember, we are all human. We are not perfect. You will find the strength when you are ready. As will we all.
I have finally started to get in touch with the real ME again. The person who people used to say, "GEE, you are always smiling." I have had people pull me aside, strangers, and say what a beautiful person I am and that I exude such positivity. Seriously, that USED to happen before I met this man. Since meeting him, I have felt like a shell of my former confident, happy, positive, responsible, determined self. BUT, I am not going to let him ruin me anymore.
Just remember, we are all human. We are not perfect. You will find the strength when you are ready. As will we all.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
When you are really ready you will know it, until then you will continue to do the codependency dance.
I have been there and when I had enough, I put on my tap shoes, and, tapped off into the sunset....it was the smartest thing I have ever done.
He seems to have some anger problems, please be careful, you may be playing with fire, and I don't want you to get burned.
I have been there and when I had enough, I put on my tap shoes, and, tapped off into the sunset....it was the smartest thing I have ever done.
He seems to have some anger problems, please be careful, you may be playing with fire, and I don't want you to get burned.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
I typed a long reply then lost it.
You are SO NOT ALONE on the caving. I've been doing the same dance for 3 months, every time, hearing "I still love you, I made a mistake, I don't know how to fix things", etc. There is a new woman, who apparently was sitting there waiting for the fight that broke us up (when I wasn't told it was a "break up").
I get so angry at myself for letting myself even listen, much less give him chance after chance. I CAN'T know what to believe from him, anymore. I wonder if I ever could have believed anything. Weekend before last, I caved when (for the first time in all this), he actually brought up that he was done with her and wanted to have a chance to get back together. The next day..it was clear that his being here, was the result of a fight with her..that they apparently settled.
I spend time, trying to build my strength to finally shut the door for good. I literally rehearse how to tell him that I AM WORTH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS IF HE LOVES ME OR NOT, and that he doesn't need to call me again. How to make it a clean break without going back over the details of what lie and why/when/how.
Drunk or sober..I suspect many of them simply no longer know what truth is or isn't. Age isn't always the factor. I am in my 60s. I simply WANTED to believe it could work, and quickly realized the drinking would crash it. It seems that the typical hope is that, if we can get the booze out of the way, it is all fixed. It isn't.
We all WANT to believe. We all need to accept that we don't always get what we want. And no amount of doing the right thing, is necessarily going to change that.
I hope next week that I can come back and tell you that it is finally DONE, and the pain has stopped.
I can't tell you that I will live up to that. I wish I had enough confidence in myself to be sure of anything.
You are SO NOT ALONE on the caving. I've been doing the same dance for 3 months, every time, hearing "I still love you, I made a mistake, I don't know how to fix things", etc. There is a new woman, who apparently was sitting there waiting for the fight that broke us up (when I wasn't told it was a "break up").
I get so angry at myself for letting myself even listen, much less give him chance after chance. I CAN'T know what to believe from him, anymore. I wonder if I ever could have believed anything. Weekend before last, I caved when (for the first time in all this), he actually brought up that he was done with her and wanted to have a chance to get back together. The next day..it was clear that his being here, was the result of a fight with her..that they apparently settled.
I spend time, trying to build my strength to finally shut the door for good. I literally rehearse how to tell him that I AM WORTH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS IF HE LOVES ME OR NOT, and that he doesn't need to call me again. How to make it a clean break without going back over the details of what lie and why/when/how.
Drunk or sober..I suspect many of them simply no longer know what truth is or isn't. Age isn't always the factor. I am in my 60s. I simply WANTED to believe it could work, and quickly realized the drinking would crash it. It seems that the typical hope is that, if we can get the booze out of the way, it is all fixed. It isn't.
We all WANT to believe. We all need to accept that we don't always get what we want. And no amount of doing the right thing, is necessarily going to change that.
I hope next week that I can come back and tell you that it is finally DONE, and the pain has stopped.
I can't tell you that I will live up to that. I wish I had enough confidence in myself to be sure of anything.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Men who have addiction issues are masters at identifying/selecting women who are weak and needy, thus they can play both ends against the middle. Most women base their self esteem on having a man, a man generally bases his self esteem on having a job, a career.
Some where I read that over 65% of men have cheated at one time or another, I believe that a cheater is a cheater, alcohol or drugs might magnify their desire to cheat, however, I believe that it is either there in the first place or not.
Some where I read that over 65% of men have cheated at one time or another, I believe that a cheater is a cheater, alcohol or drugs might magnify their desire to cheat, however, I believe that it is either there in the first place or not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Ellensburg,
I also have given a million chances and caved time and again!
Its good that you are "seeing" that this is a destructive path that is going in circles.
I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and I am going to advocate for your children right now. I grew up in an alcoholic chaotic and at times dangerous home with a very volatile alcoholic father and codie mom. I used to pray for someone to rescue me but no adult ever did. My head used to whirl with the complexities of the adult issues and I ALWAYS want to rescue and fix to the point of a "messiah complex" at times.
I am very, very concerned and work with children who often have no voice in these matters and right now they should be number one with you. Have they been witnessing his alcoholic behaviors and how you respond to those episodes? You are modeling relationships to them and I can assure you they MISS NOTHING that goes on in their world.
Please, please visit some alanon meetings as they will help you enormously if you give it a chance. I so very wish someone had encouraged me to go back in the beginning of my first mistakes in relationships.
I wish someone had given me this adivce 30 years ago as my life might have been completely different in a good way!
All you need for a wonderful Christmas are those precious kids!
I also have given a million chances and caved time and again!
Its good that you are "seeing" that this is a destructive path that is going in circles.
I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and I am going to advocate for your children right now. I grew up in an alcoholic chaotic and at times dangerous home with a very volatile alcoholic father and codie mom. I used to pray for someone to rescue me but no adult ever did. My head used to whirl with the complexities of the adult issues and I ALWAYS want to rescue and fix to the point of a "messiah complex" at times.
I am very, very concerned and work with children who often have no voice in these matters and right now they should be number one with you. Have they been witnessing his alcoholic behaviors and how you respond to those episodes? You are modeling relationships to them and I can assure you they MISS NOTHING that goes on in their world.
Please, please visit some alanon meetings as they will help you enormously if you give it a chance. I so very wish someone had encouraged me to go back in the beginning of my first mistakes in relationships.
I wish someone had given me this adivce 30 years ago as my life might have been completely different in a good way!
All you need for a wonderful Christmas are those precious kids!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 15
I don't have much to add, other than to agree with what so many others have said: I've been there. Many times. I understand how hard it is to let go of those last little shreds of hope.
Please don't beat yourself up. At some point, we have to stop being stuck in the shame of our mistakes and focus on doing what's right. I'm just starting on this path & know I have a lot of work to do, but I have to have faith that I can do it, and it will be worth it. You can do it, too. Think about Al-anon. I've only been attending meetings for a short time, but I've already gotten a lot out of it. Try not to get involved in the drama, focus on you & your kids.
Please don't beat yourself up. At some point, we have to stop being stuck in the shame of our mistakes and focus on doing what's right. I'm just starting on this path & know I have a lot of work to do, but I have to have faith that I can do it, and it will be worth it. You can do it, too. Think about Al-anon. I've only been attending meetings for a short time, but I've already gotten a lot out of it. Try not to get involved in the drama, focus on you & your kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Eugene, OT
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Ellensburg,
I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and I am going to advocate for your children right now. I grew up in an alcoholic chaotic and at times dangerous home with a very volatile alcoholic father and codie mom. I used to pray for someone to rescue me but no adult ever did. My head used to whirl with the complexities of the adult issues and I ALWAYS want to rescue and fix to the point of a "messiah complex" at times.
All you need for a wonderful Christmas are those precious kids!
I am ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic) and I am going to advocate for your children right now. I grew up in an alcoholic chaotic and at times dangerous home with a very volatile alcoholic father and codie mom. I used to pray for someone to rescue me but no adult ever did. My head used to whirl with the complexities of the adult issues and I ALWAYS want to rescue and fix to the point of a "messiah complex" at times.
All you need for a wonderful Christmas are those precious kids!
HOPING for a Christmas with the kids, where I am not lonely or regretful for ending this...
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