jo4191

In May 2011 my Uncle D died. at age 50, from liver disease that the doctors determined to be caused by alcohol. Shortly afterwards, I dropped my entire life to move from my parents home in IL to live with my Aunt J (Uncle D's wife and my mother's sister).

Before D passed away, J was a frequent drinker. Together they would polish off a box of wine a night. J swears that D didn't drink "all that much" but obviously he did if it killed in. J doesn't seem to even realize that drinking is what killed D. And now after his death she drinks approximately 2/3rds a box of wine a night.

She admits that this amount of drinking is a problem and tells her siblings that she is cutting back. But I have not see this at all. This drinking is severely effecting her life. Her children have distanced themselves from her, one of her children wont allow his kids around her. The only good news is that she doesn't drive.

I need to find some way to get her on the wagon. I can't live with her like this. Leaving isn't going to help anything, in fact if I leave things will only get worse. My fear is that I am going to wake up to a dead aunt in the living room. Even though she has heard all these fears from me and several of her siblings she still doesn't do anything. She drinks.

I need help in order to help her. Any suggestions?

chronsweet

You can't make anyone do anything unfortunately.

dollydo

I would suggest that you seek Alanon meetings in your area.

There is nothing you can do to help her, this is her problem to resolve, when and if she is ready to seek recovery, she will.

She will be an "A" all her life, it is just a matter of whether she is sober or not. This is a progressive disease, it will get worse, whether you are there or not.

Work on you, read others posts and the stickies at the top of all the F&F forums.

jo4191

So... do nothing, let her drink herself to death.

NTurn

Hi Jo4191..sorry to hear you are going through this. I understand your worry..Have you thought about attending Al-Anon? It's good to be able to talk to people face to face who are experiencing similar things to what you are trying to deal with. I know you want to help your aunt but the reality is she really has to want to stop. You can offer her support by telling her about various groups in her area like AA or talk to her about speaking to her doctor who will also supply support numbers etc. At the end of the day the final decision will have to come from her. Only she can change things and make the decision to stop
Wishing you all the best and hope you find the support you need from SR like I did

nodaybut2day

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but I am glad you've found this site. It's been my lifesaver many times over.

It has been suggested that you find an Al-Anon meeting in your area; I heartily agree with that suggestion. You need IRL support to deal with this situation. When you go, you'll no doubt learn about the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE the drinking
You can't CONTROL the drinking
You can't CURE the drinking

The only power you truly have is over yourself and your own actions. You say you can't live with your aunt the way she is...if you cannot affect her actions with words (i.e. asking, showing, begging, pleading, arguing, etc.) then perhaps it's time that you also distance yourself from this person, at least emotionally.

We're talking about an adult woman here, and she is clearly choosing to dive head first into a bottle of a daily basis. That's not something you can ever change; she has to want to change it for herself. If and when she decides she's hit bottom, there are many resources out there for her, a bunch of them free.

In the meantime, stick around...read the stickies and post as much as you like. SR is always open!

PurpleWilder

I know it hurts to see someone you love going down the tubes, but until she decides to stop, she won't. Nothing you do or don't do will get her sober or make her stay sober if she decides she wants that.

Perhaps it would be best for you to move out of that situation? She is a grown woman and should be responsible for herself. Gutting your own life is not the solution here.

Thinking of you today....

wow04

I know this is a hard reality. I am watching my brother go into the ER at least once a week due to his drinking. It is a very hard thing to do. I told him I will no longer take him to the ER due to his drinking.

I am a recovering addict and I know the best thing for me, was to let me face the issues. I had to go through everything I went through, to get where I am today.

Go to Alanon and be with people who are going through the same things.

Prayers are with you!

m1k3

In reality, yes. If that is her choice than that is what she will do. She will not get sober until she is ready to get sober and there is nothing you can do about it.

I found with my wife there was nothing I could do or say to get her to stop the drinking and pill popping. Nothing. After multiple rehabs, visits to detox, trips to the ER I finally learned my lesson and let her walk her own path and I began to work on myself. I was frantic and angry and just insane with her problem.

Once I let go and accepted it was her problem I started to heal. I am now centered, calm, happy and serene. I live my own life and my life is good. I can't control what others will do or not do but I can control how I choose to react to it.

Your friend,

Portia123

I agree with the posts. There is really nothing you can do unless she is willing to help herself. Going out on a limb here, not knowing you or your Aunt, perhaps in a moment of when she is sober, let her know your concerns and that you love her; and then go to Al-anon and work on yourself. Only she can do the work to stop drinking. Also, not to sound heartless, but if the death of her husband didn't open her eyes, perhaps nothing else will. Pray for her, be kind and take care of yourself ... God bless you and your family... XOXO

jessiec

It's terrible, isn't it -- watching someone you love drowning, and there's no way to jump in and save them. I'm new to this, dealing with an ABF, and I'm just now begin to accept there is no way I can rescue him or fix this situation.

Cyranoak

Go home.

Tuffgirl

We don't have the power to save anybody but ourselves. There are no magic words here we can give you to get your Aunt to stop drinking. If anyone of us had succeeded at that- this forum wouldn't be here.

It sucks, I know. But there is nothing you can do, except go live your own life.

Impurrfect

(((jo4191))) - I know that the thought of just letting her drink herself to death goes against everything we feel when we love someone.

The sad fact is, you can do everything that seems "right", worry yourself into a frazzle and if she wants to keep drinking, she will. I've had to let people go as they continued the downward spiral of alcoholism/addiction. Some got better, some died.

I'm also a recovering addict and it wasn't until I got really sick and tired of the consequences (which involved family letting me DEAL with the consequences), I didn't even think of recovery.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but I agree with everyone else. Maybe check out some al-anon meetings, keep reading and posting here, and take care of you. She will do what she wants to do.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

NYCDoglvr

There is nothing you can say or do that will stop an alcoholic from drinking. First of all, alcoholics can't cut back. Are there any Al-anon meetings close by?